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How to get over wanting another child
53 replies to this topic
Posted 13 December 2019 - 09:50 PM
It’s an interesting topic for me at the moment- with #2’s impending arrival.
I wanted 4, DH wanted 2, it always seemed logical that we would compromise on 3.
But.... this pregnancy has been the hardest thing I have ever done. I hate being pregnant, I’m miserable, it’s affected pretty much every aspect of my life for the last 38 weeks and I’ve just been waiting, waiting for the end. I’ve felt unwell for 8 months, I can’t move, I’m a bad mum, wife, colleague, because I’m just so bloody sore, exhausted and miserable. I’m prone to depression and it has literally taken every skill I have ever learned in my many years of counselling to not spiral downwards- the light at the end of the tunnel is getting me through.
DH and I pretty much decided months ago that this would have to be it, because it’s been so, so awful. I joke that even if I forget about how horrible pregnancy is, DH won’t ever let me get pregnant again because of how hard it is for both of us.
But.... there’s this sadness crawling over me as this pregnancy draws to an end. I haven’t even met my daughter yet and I’m already sad that the decision is all but made that this is it. I’m so sad that I’m so miserable with pregnancy because I always looked forward to being pregnant (expectations did not equal reality!!)
I plan to get a mirena as soon as I’m allowed to after the baby is born, so that the vasectomy question doesn’t come up yet and I can enjoy the baby days while burying my head in the sand. The idea of calling it 100% is too confronting for me yet. I foresee a significant amount of grieving will be had, and I think I will have to give it a large amount of my attention.
Well done to those of you who have made it through the hard decisions and reality x
Posted 13 December 2019 - 10:45 PM
I don't think that question has a clear answer. After we found out both of our kids had ASD and the same chromosome deletion, DP decided he didn't want anymore. The geneticist we talked to said with both our genetic make up any future kids would have a higher risk of ASD.
I don't begrudge his decision at all. It's his choice and that's that.
It took me a long time to accept I would be having no more kids. I was angry at life taking the decision away from me. Maybe the next kid might've not of had ASD, but I didn't want to bestow that gift upon another child and I couldn't handle the stress.
I would get angry and resentful. I drank heavily and went in to rages over it then break down crying. I went through a phase of drinking and begging DP.
I don't think I'll ever quite get over it. But I'm in a slightly better place.
Posted 14 December 2019 - 08:07 AM
My two are 14 months apart. It took me a while to realise that what I wanted was that first magical year I had with DS where he was the centre of our world. Having two so close together was really hard and a bit of a blur if I’m honest. Poor DS2 didn’t get many magical moments. I felt a bit ripped off as a result, but at the same time my head was telling me no no no. It was the right call for us. I know now with two full on kids that a third would have been too much.
Posted 11 January 2020 - 02:18 PM
I've only just come to this thread a bit late, OP, but sounds like you are still in a bit of limbo. I have 3 boys, but would really have loved to have a daughter. I was really conflicted about going for a 4th, and I absolutely LOVE having a newborn, so felt very clucky. What really helped was deferring the decision... So I basically said that if I still felt the same way when the youngest was 2yo, we could try for the 4th (DH was very much happy with 3 but would have been supportive if it was something I really wanted). Of course, by the time the youngest was 2yo, I was exhausted and life was so busy... the first was at school, second at preschool, youngest getting into everything and basically making it very difficult to do anything fun with the older ones. I realised I was truly done. Every time you have a baby you go back to square one! I realised I was happy to start moving forward. Also, I think once you come out of the "baby bubble" and re-enter the world where there are lots of interesting things to focus on other than babies, it is easier to leave that stage behind. Now I love having older kids (11,9 & 6) and feel sorry for people with babies and toddlers! I still feel my heart lurch when I see a very sweet newborn, but no longer wish that they were mine. I enjoy planning holidays we can take, and love that we can spontaneously go out without packing an enormous bag and factoring in nap times. Good luck with your decision!
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