Jump to content

freaking out about day care.


  • Please log in to reply
22 replies to this topic

#1 PandoBox

Posted 18 February 2019 - 07:36 PM

.

Edited by PandoBox, 23 April 2019 - 09:59 PM.


#2 robhat

Posted 18 February 2019 - 07:56 PM

The end of the year is a LONG way away for a child this age!

I wouldn't be worrying about daycare as such yet. Keep up with socialising at places like playgroup. How is she with smaller groups? Some kids just don't like lots of people.

Do you ever leave her with anyone? Her father? Grandparents? Another relative or friend? I suggest that you find someone you know and trust that you can leave her with for short amounts of time. Go out for an hour and leave her with grandma. See how it goes. It might take some time. I was the babysitter once for a friend's child. She left her daughter with me every Wednesday morning. Little one cried most of the time for the first few times, then half the time then only for a bit when mum left. Took around 4 months before she'd stay without any tears at all!

#3 blimkybill

Posted 18 February 2019 - 08:17 PM

View PostPandoBox, on 18 February 2019 - 07:36 PM, said:




In playgroups and around large groups of people and kids she clings to me with tears in her eyes..and I really have to distract her with toys for her to stop and start enjoying herself. I think to myself there is no way if this was childcare I could now leave because she would freak out and stay freaked out.

I have some time before we need to deal with this..how can I BEST prepare her for this? I have a day care in mind. Do I just enrol her and make her go 2 hours a week till she builds up confidence?


Two of my three children were like this. It was a temperament thing. With anxious temperaments and introverted personalities, they found large group daycare environments overwhelming. The eldest only ever went the family day care and this was always good for her. The youngest did some time in both family day care and a lovely centre, however she never really adjusted to the centre, whereas she was much more comfortable in family day care.

#4 cabbage88

Posted 18 February 2019 - 08:42 PM

Try not to worry... they get over it and build confidence. All mine seemed clingy like that but they're more than happy now at almost 2, my eldest became very confident in time. It helps when they have the same staff- but it takes time. They're usually much much better once you're not in sight.

#5 PhillipaCrawford

Posted 18 February 2019 - 08:42 PM

Investigate family day care if you feel a large group may be too much at this age.

#6 Fizgig

Posted 18 February 2019 - 09:00 PM

My eldest was a velcro baby. If I left her with anyone she would get upset. I had to go back to work when she was 14 months. From six months I started leaving her with my mum starting with 10-15 minutes in my mum's house while I was outside. I built it up to about 2-3 hours by the time she was 11 months. At 12 months I had to start getting her used to MIL as she was going to have her one day a week too. I found this really hard as no matter how hard I comforted she would not stop being upset that I was leaving. I got some advice from valued friends which was to just start leaving her even if she was upset. I had been trying to show her that I would always listen to her feelings but what she needed to learn was that when I left I would come back. I started leaving her with MIL for 10-15 minutes at my place. I would wait outside the door when I got back for a couple of minutes to wait for some calm (if she was still crying a bit) so that I wasn't going in when she was upset. I then went up to 30 mins, then 2 hours, and then the whole day. She would still get upset when I left but as she got used to it I knew that she was upset for less and less time.

You can do a gradual introduction to the routine of day care but I wouldn't spend too long doing it. Also day cares are very experienced in dealing with kids like this and they have routines that are very good. It can be hard to leave a child who is upset but you have to keep in mind that you know they are safe and cared for and they will be okay.  Some kids are going to get more upset but that is okay, and it is okay that you are concerned about how it is going to go.

#7 PandoBox

Posted 18 February 2019 - 09:05 PM

View Postrobhat, on 18 February 2019 - 07:56 PM, said:

The end of the year is a LONG way away for a child this age!

I wouldn't be worrying about daycare as such yet. Keep up with socialising at places like playgroup. How is she with smaller groups? Some kids just don't like lots of people.

Do you ever leave her with anyone? Her father? Grandparents? Another relative or friend? I suggest that you find someone you know and trust that you can leave her with for short amounts of time. Go out for an hour and leave her with grandma. See how it goes. It might take some time. I was the babysitter once for a friend's child. She left her daughter with me every Wednesday morning. Little one cried most of the time for the first few times, then half the time then only for a bit when mum left. Took around 4 months before she'd stay without any tears at all!

She is great in parks..even if they are crowded..big open spaces. She's happy in playgroup when not everyone is packed in the small room and kids are running in and out of the room. She stays with family all the time but these are family members she is use to and knows.. but if an adult she doesn't know approaches her, she gets nervous.

She seemed fine at 13m around strangers ...strangers holding her and was very chilled out and then the minute she hit 14m she changed.

#8 Prancer is coming

Posted 18 February 2019 - 09:13 PM

You are many months off needing to do this and plenty will have changed by the end of the year.  You don’t need to have her sorted now for something thst will happen at the end of the year.

The reality is that most likely she will not be excited for childcare or have happy drop offs.  And this is to be expected as she would rather be with you.  I would be confident that she will be well cared for and the carers will look after her, and leave knowing she is fine, even if crying.  Crying does not necessary mean she hates childcare, but may struggle with the transition from you to care.  And over time the carers and kids will seem to her like familiar, family like people.

Interestingly, I have a few friends that either were very anxious as children or have other children that struggles with starting school.  They have all put their children in childcare before they start school, to hopefully get the separation issues sorted before school starts.  So even if she is upset at first, it may well be helpful down the track.

#9 MrsLexiK

Posted 18 February 2019 - 09:48 PM

My youngest has been in care since he was 4.5 mo this with a mix of day care and my mum. He started in 2016 and was pretty good no real issues for that year. 2017 he had some issues. (So was 16.5 months/18 months from memory when that happened). Settled down again. Started up again sometime in 2018 and was HELL, I actually had his teacher call and I went and picked him up as he has been crying for hours and just wouldn’t settle (on day care days he would get dropped at like 7.30am) so when they were calling me at 12.30 and saying he hasn’t settled even after a sleep it broke my heart. Part of the issue was magnified by the fact that a gate seperated his play area (and the room below him) and the 2 kinder rooms play areas (where his brother was) but I think that just added to it. Just after his birthday (3) they moved him into their 3yr old kinder room and it seems to have helped a lot.

My oldest was still having days last year where he was clingy and this was a room with his teachers he spent the whole of 2017 with and it was happening in term 4!

IME they go through waves for years, I’m experiencing a good wave with both kids at the moment - with my youngest I’m predicting another downhill. I’m pretty sure developmentally there is still another one or two to come let alone based on personality. We still have mums (and at our school it’s all mums) walking kids in who are struggling into class.

A good day care will work with you (which is what mine did we got a routine and for a short time we - as in DH and I - had to work as a team to make a routine and stick to it with short days and gradually get longer) with my oldest and with most of the times with DS2 they have been fine within 15 minutes. And fine for the time they have been there. For the short period DS2 was struggling we had to make different arrangements and they helped us with giving us ideas, making sure they had a career he felt comfortable with and had formed a bond with not just a career that was convienent for them (there was a bit of give and take for a couple of weeks between DH and I when we and day care noticed an issue and wanted to solve it, obviously DH and I had to be a bit more predictable with our schedule so they could ensure x was there for that time,  to see if it would help and slowly increase DS2’s hours.) Thankfully that it was “short” lived and we have gone through the whole meltdown (moreso when I do drop offs) but his fine and I get photos and notes about him and I can see his had a fab day.

It does help if they can form a bond with more then just one career and I think that was one of the issues we had the first time we experienced it with DS2, his career actually left and did volunteer work overseas for like 4 months. And he was her favourite. He then formed a bond with again only one career and when she wasn’t there it was hell to drop him off, and when he moved rooms that’s when the real issues started. (Plus he has issues with a child and his speech is delayed so he was struggling I think if he had a bond with more then one career he would have not struggled with the child issues as much)  He now has beautiful bonds with multiple careers and multiple friendship groups and has built the tools to understand behaviour doesn’t make a child bad and they can still be a friend etc.

LSS some kids will cry at drop off every single day and as soon as you turn your back they are laughing.

#10 ERipley

Posted 18 February 2019 - 09:52 PM

All kids are different. I agree that family daycare may be a better option. Or even a babysitter at they age? None I my 3 would have handled daycare at all. Some kids are just like that.

#11 FoxinSocks

Posted 18 February 2019 - 10:01 PM

My oldest was a clinger and crier for me at daycare drop offs. Someone made the suggestion that I could try DH doing drop off instead, and I did pick up. It worked a treat! DS was much less likely to get upset whenDH dropped him off, so that has been the arrangement for years. Could you try that out?

Edited by FoxinSocks, 18 February 2019 - 10:02 PM.


#12 FeralRebelWClaws

Posted 18 February 2019 - 10:02 PM

My child is also like velcro. He tends to climb into my lap or just hang off me like a koala.

However, he LOVES his childcare. He does cry at drop off sometimes, but it's less than 5 minutes. They tell me he is completely settled and happy and he's the class clown hahaha He has been like this since he started childcare at 11 months, he's now almost 2 1/2. I actually think it's been great for him to have time away from me.

We tried a parent led swimming lesson, he HATED it. Tonight we tried a slightly more independent one, and he LOVED it! Kids can surprise you!

#13 littleboysmum

Posted 19 February 2019 - 06:07 AM

My DS was beyond reluctant to go to day care. It was extremely difficult to get him settled. The first day care we chose had him projectile vomiting u rio we had to go and get him and both of us were distraught. We ended up taking him out, giving him a few months to recover and choosing a different day care.

The new centre had his best friend there (which is why we chose it), and this really helped with his settling in. I also came for many many visits with him and only left him for a few hours at a time for several weeks. It took 4-6 weeks until I left him a full day. He still
Doesn’t love day care and cries most days when I drop him off but it’s now only for 5 min and then he has a good day. Hang in there OP. It was very difficult but so worth it. It had done wonders for his confidence and I’m so glad we gently persisted.

#14 28 Barbary Lane

Posted 19 February 2019 - 06:19 AM

We also swapped to a smaller daycare when the big one wasn’t working (wouldn’t eat/drink etc).  Maybe look into smaller centres/family daycare etc so if you really don’t like how things are going when he starts you have some more options up your sleeve.

#15 Sancti-claws

Posted 19 February 2019 - 06:28 AM

View Postblimkybill, on 18 February 2019 - 08:17 PM, said:

Two of my three children were like this. It was a temperament thing. With anxious temperaments and introverted personalities, they found large group daycare environments overwhelming. The eldest only ever went the family day care and this was always good for her. The youngest did some time in both family day care and a lovely centre, however she never really adjusted to the centre, whereas she was much more comfortable in family day care.
I think finding the right day care is imperative - I had the opposite, where my child never settled at fdc and did much better at a centre that had enough arms to hand her around to and a set routine.

Unfortunately I had no choice but for her to go to care from a young age, and it is heartbreaking when they get upset.

I have no words of wisdom - she is nine and still cries some mornings when I have to go to work (but we are dealing with an ever increasing anxiety issue here now - not just a clingy child - and I don't think it is in any way related to whether she went to childcare or not)

#16 Babetty

Posted 19 February 2019 - 07:42 AM

Lots of good advice but one more tip - when she starts at daycare you may be tempted to drop her off as late as possible, to give her a shorter day. However, my kids did best dropped off early in the morning, when it was still quiet, the routine of the day hadn't started and they could just chill out with the carers. If I left it too late and a lot of the kids were already there, running round playing, they clung to me more.

#17 Apageintime

Posted 19 February 2019 - 07:54 AM

View PostBabetty, on 19 February 2019 - 07:42 AM, said:

Lots of good advice but one more tip - when she starts at daycare you may be tempted to drop her off as late as possible, to give her a shorter day. However, my kids did best dropped off early in the morning, when it was still quiet, the routine of the day hadn't started and they could just chill out with the carers. If I left it too late and a lot of the kids were already there, running round playing, they clung to me more.

My son found the same thing. I prefered dropping him earlier for the exact same reaosn. He liked being the first there.

#18 MrsG2

Posted 19 February 2019 - 08:03 AM

My ds was like this - stuck to me like glue , cried , pulled my hair and hated going around ppl. I had to start work when he was 10months old. I started with baby steps re childcare . He did two “orientation days” where he spent one hour at the center with me, so he became familiar with the place. After that he did two weeks of half days , then he started full days when I went back to work. It was hard for him initially, I know he did cry a fair bit but the educators were lovely. They gave him cuddles and some one on one attention. I reckon it took about 2months and he started enjoying going .

Don’t worry OP, I thought ds would never ever go either but he did settle eventually and now loves it!

I recon share your concern with the educators in the Centre, they have loads of experience with this and they should be able to put your mind at ease

#19 seayork2002

Posted 19 February 2019 - 08:28 AM

From the time DS was born we had him around other people as much as possible, he went to day care 3 days a week from 12 months old , we looked at family day care and decided it was not what we wanted so he went to a 'standard' one, he went for 20 mins with me there then 1hr then 3 without me (or there abouts), he then went the 3 days, he put some effort into 'mummy don't leave me, I will miss you' then by the time I was out of sight he forgot to do it then found a fun toy or a little friend to play with.

I left the carers too it really as I thought they must have had all sorts of situations to deal with kids and the more I hung around then more clingy he got.

#20 Kallie88

Posted 19 February 2019 - 09:00 AM

Some thoughts from a care workers perspective. If you want to trail short periods more frequency helps the child more - I.e 2 hours a day vs 2 hours a week gives them a lot more familiarity with the centre. My dh refuses to put our kids in 1 day a week when they start because it's so much harder on the kids, they go 2 days and get much more bonding time with carers, get used to the environment quicker and overall adjust better. (Obviously we're lucky that we can afford to do that - just - but that's the reason behind it)
Like others have said, things will change a lot by the end of the year, I'd practice short visits with family and friends without you so she can see that you come back and she'll be ok. 'Penguin misses mum' is a good book about being ok when mum goes away for a bit. And when you get to it don't worry too much if you get crying at drop off, it's perfectly normal and the majority of kids are fine as soon as mum or dad leaves. Say a definite goodbye and leave and 99% of the time they're fine within 5 mins. Usually the most upset kids are the ones who's parents 'disappear' without saying goodbye, or the ones that don't leave, the lingerers.
If you want to go to a particular centre, go talk to them about their wait list, put your name down, but don't feel obliged to start early just because there's a spot, practice with people she knows first, worry about daycare closer to the time. Good luck xx

#21 IShallWearMidnight

Posted 19 February 2019 - 10:47 AM

I would just keep socialising and doing what you're doing. By the end of the year I'd say he would be fine to transition.
Mine all started daycare around 11/12mo but got clingy again then regained confidence around 18mo.

#22 Wonderstruck

Posted 19 February 2019 - 07:52 PM

My reflux baby was like this. She was terrible in big social situations and thought all adults she didnt know were doctors at that age. Very clingy etc.

Around 18 months or so my mum took her to playgroup (we both work full time) regularly and at the end of the year when we had enrolled her to start early this year we did play visits at day care for an hour or so where we stayed. Maybe about 6 times or so.

She started day care in Jan at 22 months. She cried at drop off for the first few days and was fully settled in within 3 weeks.

She loves day care and is thriving. She has a ball and happily waves goodbye when I drop her off.

Keep on things like playgroup. Things will get easier as she gets older.

Good.luck

#23 Mumma bug

Posted 19 February 2019 - 08:47 PM

I haven’t had a clingy child.  I remember when I did a childcare tour at the centre we went with the director said 16m was the worst age for separation anxiety. So this could just be a stage. The end of the year is still a long way away in term’s of a child’s development. Do you have any family members you could start leaving her with for a couple of hours regularly to get her used to being away from you?




0 user(s) are reading this topic

0 members, 0 guests, 0 anonymous users

 
 
Advertisement
 

Top 5 Viewed Articles

 
Advertisement
 
 
 
Advertisement
 
 
Essential Baby and Essential Kids is the place to find parenting information and parenting support relating to conception, pregnancy, birth, babies, toddlers, kids, maternity, family budgeting, family travel, nutrition and wellbeing, family entertainment, kids entertainment, tips for the family home, child-friendly recipes and parenting. Try our pregnancy due date calculator to determine your due date, or our ovulation calculator to predict ovulation and your fertile period. Our pregnancy week by week guide shows your baby's stages of development. Access our very active mum's discussion groups in the Essential Baby forums or the Essential Kids forums to talk to mums about conception, pregnancy, birth, babies, toddlers, kids and parenting lifestyle. Essential Baby also offers a baby names database of more than 22,000 baby names, popular baby names, boys' names, girls' names and baby names advice in our baby names forum. Essential Kids features a range of free printable worksheets for kids from preschool years through to primary school years. For the latest baby clothes, maternity clothes, maternity accessories, toddler products, kids toys and kids clothing, breastfeeding and other parenting resources, check out Essential Baby and Essential Kids.