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Contemplating kids at 50....talk me out of this.....


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#26 Mishu

Posted 21 March 2019 - 01:12 PM

I have just one child and would have loved more but life didn't work out that way. While we are in a position (financial, career wise etc) that would be ideal for another child, it's not an option for us (I'm 48). I'm focusing on enjoying every moment with my son, even as we are facing down the barrel of the dreaded teenage years :laugh:  

My son (almost 13) has always said he wants to be a dad when he grows up - from about the time he was 6 or 7 in fact. So now I am focusing on being a very involved grandparent when the time comes - I'll get my baby fix then.

#27 Freddie'sMum

Posted 21 March 2019 - 01:15 PM

Hi OP

My very first response is along the lines of "have you lost your freaking mind ??!!"

My more measured, thoughtful response is if your marriage has been rough for the past 6 years - a new baby will kill your marriage.  Fact.

I am wondering if it your desire to have another baby is also running alongside the fact that you have turned 50.  I am turning 50 next year and it frightens the life out of me.  I have managed to not freak out when turning 30 and then 40 because I was busy moving countries, working, looking after baby / toddler but 50 is a different kettle of fish.

For me, it's what have I achieved with my life at the age of 50?  I can't look back on any great career highlights - I have worked in a couple of different industries - but I will never reach CEO level - and for me - that's OK.  

Babies are hard work.  Toddlers are hard work.  Children are hard work.  One of my goals now is to try and get fitter, to plan for life "after children", to raise kids who can be independent and actually leave home and (hopefully if DH and I are still together) to actually leave Sydney and move to somewhere much smaller and quieter.  

The media loves to glamourise stories of 'older mothers' but if you dig a little deeper - most of these women have either incredible financial resources or family support or some other help.  I don't think it's a good idea to have another baby so you current 2 children can possibly have a sibling in the future.  I have 4 siblings - I am only close to my 2 sisters.  Just because people are family / siblings does not mean they have a good relationship.

As PPs have pointed out, there are also medical reasons why getting pregnant at our age and giving birth are harder.

Don't do it.  Concentrate on the lovely family you have now.

#28 ~Jolly_F~

Posted 21 March 2019 - 01:30 PM

I would be consider the what if’s, long and hard...

What if the kid isn’t born healthy?

What if the kid has significant special needs?

What if the kid need extra support?

Who is going to offer this, if you can’t due to health or age related reasons?

For me, it’s a hell no... I couldn’t think of anything worse than having kids at that age but I am done and I have no desire for more, just the thought makes me want to remove my uterus with my bare hands!

#29 annodam

Posted 21 March 2019 - 01:46 PM

Personally I wouldn't, for the pure fact your body at 50 is not the same as it was when you had your last child 8 or so years ago.

I'm mid-40s, my eldest turns 18yo in July & I also have a 10yo as well, so a bit of a gap there & although yes they're good mates & get along, my body being pregnant in my mid-30s was harder than it was with DD when I was in my late 20s.

Just another thought.

#30 Sweet.Pea

Posted 21 March 2019 - 01:47 PM

I agree with the other posters that say to register for foster care/respite care.

50 is too old, and having a baby will not enrich your or your current children's lives.

You will have sleepless nights, the expense of a newborn, the expense or getting pregnant, the expense of your divorce (if you are having trouble now, it's likely not to survive), the resentment of your other kids.

#31 Veritas Vinum Arte

Posted 21 March 2019 - 01:51 PM

View Postliterally nobody, on 21 March 2019 - 11:48 AM, said:

As someone who had a much younger sibling where myself and my brother (same ages as your kids at the moment) had to step up and pretty much be mini parents to our sibling- it did nothing but cause resentment as we did miss out on alot. Even now at 28, 38 & 40 - there is still a divide and resentment that he wrecked our childhood.

As adults the two older say the younger always got preferential treatment and she does, everybody we know sees it and there’s resentment as she literally milks it.

My SIL always gets sick of being asked if her parents are her grandparents. she finds it really embarrassing and at one point didn’t want them at school events as it irked her.

Yep I was 7 my brother 10 when my sister was born. Great at first but then resentment started. Being 15/16 and not being able to take job shifts because you are required to babysit your sibling. Encouraged to stay at home as a young adult so you effectively act as a 2nd parent to sibling.

My sister and I only developed a close relationship after she grew up and had kids, but even then DH and my SIL both comment on WTF and how my sister is doted upon by folks and gets away with blue murder. Resentment is still reasonably high. You try and build a bridge but it is still there simmering away.

On the other hand my folks talk about missed opportunities because they had to wait another child to grow up. They have friends similar ages to my brother and I, so their friends were free to travel and enjoy retirement/grandchildren while my parents were still effectively parenting their youngest. Now the youngest has young children (and parents are still umbilically connected) they are still rushing around after my sister and not living their life... which as they turn 70 is definitely causing them to slow down. At 60 they still felt fine but 70 is another matter altogether and they are falling apart.

35 was my last child. I learnt that from my mother’s experience. No way would I consider a child at 50 (am currently 44 with kids 9/11/13) and the thought of another would have me rocking comatose in the corner.

I think it would be more damaging to your existing  children and extremely selfish on your part to do this.

That is before you get to the stress on your body and the stress on gour relationship.

As PP say these articles show happy mothers in hospital with support, not 5/10 years later when they are run ragged.

Edited by Veritas Vinum Arte, 21 March 2019 - 01:53 PM.


#32 Silverstreak

Posted 21 March 2019 - 02:12 PM

I'm sure I read that Virginia Trioli from the ABC had a baby at 49, but I'm not sure if that baby was her first. I'm assuming that she's on a very good wage (although it is the ABC, lol.)

I dunno, I personally wouldn't do it. I had a baby at 36 and almost seven years on, gee I am tired. And things are getting easier! I can't imagine dealing with a newborn at 50, or a seven year old at 57.

Some more thoughts: I have a child with additional needs. Had a great pregnancy and he's physically very healthy, but these things just happen sometimes. Will you be equipped, in your 50s and 60s, to raise a child with additional needs if necessary? This could include therapy appointments, early intervention etc. Because I'm in my 40s doing it and that's one reason that makes me tired.

Can't remember if you'll be using your DH's sperm (or if you mentioned it), but there can be risks associated with ageing sperm too.

Sleep deprivation. My god the sleep deprivation. Now, I had a baby that didn't always sleep so well and that was bad enough when I was 36. I would not want to be that sleep deprived at 50, no way, no how (or 51, assuming you have a baby in another year.) Forgive me if I mention that your kids are older and have probably been sleeping well for years and feeding a newborn around the clock is a distant memory for you, but I think it will be much worse trying to deal with it in your 50s.

Your rocky marriage. I'm not sure if having kids is the reason behind your rocky marriage, or if you and your DH have just grown apart, but throwing a newborn in the mix isn't the best thing most of the time. It sounds like you're prepared to go it alone with three kids, but is that what you really want? Of course, you and your DH may separate regardless. This is a tricky one!

Pros. New life is a wonderful thing and something I do wax lyrical about, when I'm not stressed and sleep deprived, lol. I"m sure a new baby will bring much joy and contentment. I would only have a new baby at the age of 50 plus if I had a lot of money to spend on night nurses, daycare and potentially raising three kids as an older single parent. Sorry for the long essay and good luck with whatever you decide.

#33 JBH

Posted 21 March 2019 - 02:36 PM

My husband has a much younger sibling. He loves her very much and they are very close, so he is happy for the relationship now, but growing up there were significant downsides. First, there was a lot of fertility treatment and miscarriages and he is old enough to remember how hard it was on his parents, which was hard on him too. Then he had a baby and toddler to contend with just when he was getting to the important parts of his schooling, so needing to work around the noise and interruptions a young child brings. He was also expected to do a lot of childcare and running around. He says that at the time the only thing he resented was not being able to study in peace. He actually doted on his sister and loved having her around. However, when he looks back on the toll it took on his mother, he wonders if they might not have had a better relationship if she had been less tired, less worried about money, less physically impacted by pregnancy and child rearing.

#34 BahumChchgirlbug

Posted 21 March 2019 - 02:36 PM

I'm 50 (51 in June). I'm exhausted. The last 10 years have been tiring, my girls are 21 and 18, and I am on my own, but I couldn't cope with a baby now. I wanted three as well but things happened that stopped that.

The teen years were easy with my second, but exhausting with my first. Between 12 and 20 were do draining and she hasn't even lived with me the last 18 months.

I'm enjoying discovering myself as a person again to be honest, this is my new phase of life and I'm going to love it!

Each to their own but I know I couldn't do it, the baby is the easy part.

#35 No Drama Please

Posted 21 March 2019 - 03:26 PM

Hi OP, my kids are 8 and 10 same as yours, I’m nearly 50, and I’d love another child too! My kids are freaking awesome, they really are, they are so cool and funny. I would have 20 more if I could. I’d like to have them cloned.

I’m really feeling my age though lately TBH. From 45 it’s been a pretty rapid spiral. I’ve gone from not knowing where a GP would be in my local area to being on a first name basis with all the Receptionists! Physically I don’t think I could summon up even enough calcium to have another baby, let alone the energy to get though the pregnancy and sleepless nights.

So what I’m doing now is trying to map out what comes next. The future. My next instalment. I can’t have another baby, I really can’t. I want to but I can’t. My kids are getting older, and might want to move out and start their own exciting lives so what can I do next, what would I like to do next? Get fit? Move overseas again? Study something?

I’ve found that by putting some planning into that it’s making me focus on what I can have and do instead of what I can’t. You’ve mentioned you are having some difficulties with your DH. You could have a think about that as well, moving forward, together, alone. Just all the options you could have down the track.

It’s hard though I know, I wish I’d started earlier but then I suppose I wouldn’t have the awesome kids that I have now, or done any of the stuff I did before I had them, I would have missed out big time! Best of luck x

#36 Kreme

Posted 21 March 2019 - 03:36 PM

I’m 51 and my kids are 12 and 11. I found pregnancy and parenthood really manageable in my late 30s/early 40s. But now - no way.

I would have liked to have a third, but for me it was too risky. I had two healthy kids from two pregnancies close to 40. I was so lucky! It was too much of a risk for all of us to throw the dice again. Especially for the kids, to potentially change their lives irreparably to pursue a whim of mine.

I grew up as the baby with a decent gap to the next sibling (not as big as you’re proposing) and it was actually a pretty lonely childhood. And I was an inconvenience to my siblings for most of the years we were growing up. We are close now, but I see so many benefits to the small gap that I have between my kids.

#37 Winging it Mum

Posted 21 March 2019 - 03:38 PM

For me personally it would be a no. I have only had the one child at 35 & there were complications that were not forseen.

Now he's great but he's also hard work. I have always said maybe he might have benefited from an older sibling not a younger one but then that would have been quite unfair on the older one to.

We have no family other than parents so I'm worried what the future holds when we're not around but there's nothing I can do about that & when I get really old, I'm not envisaging much assistance from DS. I could be wrong though - here's hoping!

#38 BahumChchgirlbug

Posted 21 March 2019 - 03:40 PM

Adding physically I feel fine, I've lost some weight again , exercise a lot, am rarely sick and the thyroid has been manageable for years, it was the mental exhaustions my oldest put me through, but that's not unusual with teens!

#39 Dianalynch

Posted 21 March 2019 - 03:56 PM

I wouldn’t for all the reasons PPs have said. However this is about you. It’s an EB cliche, but counseling might give you a framework to make some decisions.

#40 c.sanders

Posted 21 March 2019 - 04:08 PM

Honestly I would say no. I don't think it's the right choice based on your situation. If you are keen to give back I would suggest looking at fostering or adoption or other forms.

#41 ImperatorFuriosa

Posted 21 March 2019 - 04:35 PM

So many levels of no.

#42 chloe69

Posted 21 March 2019 - 04:39 PM

Thanks all for the considered and thoughtful responses. I do appreciate them - particularly those who shared experiences from their own lives - so much of value in the experience of others. My take out from this is a  general view of "hell no", enjoy the happy life you have now and don't stuff up your kids future. Thanks for the insight.

#43 justmeplus4

Posted 21 March 2019 - 04:41 PM

You say what is driving you is being able to give your 2 kids more sibling support?

I’m sorry but I’m not sure I understand the logic? You want to give your pre-teens a baby? To support them? When you will be in your early 50’s and expect to be a single parent? Looking after an elderly mother as well?

If you want a baby then fine, say you want a baby but don’t pretend you’re doing it for your current kids! They’ll most likely be looking after that baby, baby sitting, being defacto aunts or uncles, with added responsibility.

My partners mum had a baby at 50, then his mum died. He and his siblings had to raise their younger brother. They did it but it was not without wishing life was different and they sure didn’t feel grateful at the extra “sibling support”...

Sorry if I sound harsh. I think the desire to have a child is always selfish regardless of whether it’s your first and you are 20 or your third at 50. I just don’t understand justifying it as some selfless gift to your older kids.

#44 justmeplus4

Posted 21 March 2019 - 04:44 PM

View Postc.sanders, on 21 March 2019 - 04:08 PM, said:

Honestly I would say no. I don't think it's the right choice based on your situation. If you are keen to give back I would suggest looking at fostering or adoption or other forms.


Why do you think an adopted child deserves any less than a biological one? Why do you think it would be less work? It’s often more as at 50 Op would be adopting a much older child, one that you can almost guarantee would come with layers of trauma.

I must be ina bad mood today but I really get annoyed with the throw away line of “just adopt or foster” when the situation described is considered less than ideal.

#45 Cimbom

Posted 21 March 2019 - 04:53 PM

View Postjustmeplus4, on 21 March 2019 - 04:44 PM, said:

Why do you think an adopted child deserves any less than a biological one? Why do you think it would be less work? It’s often more as at 50 Op would be adopting a much older child, one that you can almost guarantee would come with layers of trauma.

I must be ina bad mood today but I really get annoyed with the throw away line of “just adopt or foster” when the situation described is considered less than ideal.

I was thinking it was due to age but I could be wrong (i.e. rather than being 50 with a newborn, the OP could be say 50 with an 8 year old) which could possibly mitigate some of the issues. Also, the OP would not need to go through the risks of pregnancy, childbirth and the unknowns around this, which could be a risk when having a child in your 50s. :shrug:

#46 annodam

Posted 21 March 2019 - 05:06 PM

Another one I just thought of, if you have a baby soon by the time your eldest is in Senior HS say (Yrs 10/11/12) you will have a small child (aged approx. 6/7) running around, keeping a child that age quiet for long periods whilst the older ones are trying to study is not easy.
Ask me how I know!



EFS:

Edited by annodam, 21 March 2019 - 05:07 PM.


#47 Sweet.Pea

Posted 21 March 2019 - 05:18 PM

Justmeplus4 - I 100% agree having kids at any age is for our own selfish reasons and not for the present or current children.

There is nothing wrong with being selfish, but I agree everytime I look at the world.

#48 Hands Up

Posted 21 March 2019 - 05:35 PM

God no. Every level of no.

#49 Kabu84

Posted 21 March 2019 - 05:43 PM

I have a 1 year old and a 3 year old so I am in the thick of things. I am 35 and fairly healthy/fit for my age. I will not have a third, the baby years are fresh in my mind and I feel like I almost need to record these words for myself to remind myself why I can't go back there. I am just starting to see a glimpse of light in terms of time to myself and a break in the exhausting nature of it all.
Yes, babies are cute and can bring some happy times to the family. But let's not forget:
- Sleep. I have almost not slept a full night in 3 years. People always tell me I look tired, because I AM always tired. Not just tired but exhausted. And I can never seem to catch up on sleep - when I try to I have a little person screaming for me at 4am/6am etc.
- We have daily tantrums. Thrashing, kicking, and completely overwhelming and exhausting. Last week they both had huge tantrums at the same time. I tried to comfort them and they both just kicked and screamed. I went outside to try and find a free neighbour who could give me a hand as I was in tears. No one was around to help.
- I often cannot manage to get some food into myself until lunch time as I am dealing with nappies, crying, spills and cooking various food that will often be thrown on the floor.
- When I have time to myself just to do a grocery shop I feel like I am in a paradise fantasy land for an hour. A grocery shop.
- I have not had time to get my hair cut and colour for 6 months. Sometimes (often) I don't get a chance to brush my hair for days and it becomes a matted mess.
- I spend every evening when the husband returns home from work cooking, tidying, cleaning spills and mess, hanging up washing, watching a cooked meal get thrown on the floor and then wrangling two tired and cranky toddlers into bed. When all is done it is nearly 10pm. If I haven't fallen asleep next to the kids trying to get them to sleep, I am too tired to do anything else anyway.
- Getting in the car is a 20 minute struggle. Sometimes it is just not even worth it and I am often too exhausted to bother anyway.

Aaaahh that feels better to get that off my chest.

Now the good part: the 1 year old has just started playing on her own a bit more so I have started reading novels again. My life is coming back thank goodness!

#50 Lady Sybil Vimes

Posted 21 March 2019 - 05:53 PM

View PostSilverstreak, on 21 March 2019 - 02:12 PM, said:

I'm sure I read that Virginia Trioli from the ABC had a baby at 49, but I'm not sure if that baby was her first. I'm assuming that she's on a very good wage (although it is the ABC, lol.)

And her partner was 65!

I had my last at 43 but 50 would be a hard no from me.

I understand what it’s like to feel your family isn’t complete but I think you’re imagining a very rosy version of what the future could be. Reality would be much harder and messier.




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