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Contemplating kids at 50....talk me out of this.....


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#76 JBH

Posted 22 March 2019 - 05:43 AM

View PostTrixieBelden, on 21 March 2019 - 09:07 PM, said:

The thing that stands out for me is marital instability. I would not have a third child in those circumstances.

My father was in his 50s when we were born; I have siblings 20 years older than me. They were not my second parents, and we have a good bond. My mother was the youngest by 15 years and adored her older sisters (and they her).

When people describe negative effects of having older parents or siblings with a large age gap, they are not describing the natural consequences of these things. They are describing sh*tty parenting or bad relationships.

Honestly I find the talk of age gaps being scarring or older parents somehow life-damaging flat-out ludicrous. May we all have such easy lives that a parent being older is a major cross we have to bear.

How healthy you are as you age is also very individual. I often read posts on eb aghast that women my age, but with older children and 9-5 jobs (50% of my work is at night and it is the norm that I do not eat, drink, wee or sit down over a 13 hour period) are exhausted, falling asleep whenever they sit down, or constantly aching. I don’t know if they are obese, have chronic disease, are anaemic, have sleep apnoea....no idea. But their experience is certainly not mine.

To be fair, I think the negative tone of the thread is largely the result of the topic saying “talk me out of it”. Otherwise I suspect posts would be more balanced.

#77 lozoodle

Posted 22 March 2019 - 06:17 AM

At 50, I wouldn't do it.
Heck I'm 38 this year and want another but I know deep down that ship has sailed for me and I really don't want to be doing the baby thing again at this age, no matter how adorable and special they are.

50 isn't old by any stretch, but I think in terms of having a child, it would put tremendous stress on things - do you really want to be dealing with a teenager at 65?

I agree that perhaps foster or crisis care could be more up your alley?

#78 JomoMum

Posted 22 March 2019 - 06:32 AM

View PostJBH, on 22 March 2019 - 05:43 AM, said:



To be fair, I think the negative tone of the thread is largely the result of the topic saying “talk me out of it”. Otherwise I suspect posts would be more balanced.

This.

The OP is seeking reasons not to.

I agree with everything mentioned. But only you know your own capabilities and desires, personal circumstances, finances, family support etc.

#79 Sancti-claws

Posted 22 March 2019 - 06:49 AM

View PostEllie bean, on 21 March 2019 - 10:45 PM, said:

Hell no. But, I’m not you. Good luck with whatever you decide!
This.

I had my first at 30 and my second at 40.

My older child was an only from 0-10, most of those years with a solo mother.

My younger child had her beloved sister with her from 0-7 and has spent the last few years mourning her older sister, who is now at university elsewhere.

My husband and I are not at a good place, due to his chronic pain issues, complete lack of sleep (DD2 has anxiety and so sleeps mainly in our room) and lack of intimacy (see previous two points) - his religious zeal is probably in the mix also.

I work, and will be working until I cannot any longer. Its our economic reality - the even worse economic reality is that one of my two jobs is through an agency so I have no job security and live in a region where women over 50 do not get a look in for employment - my other job has volunteers, and many of our volunteers are eminently employable people who have left the workplace through caring for children and could never get back in.

I would examine what was driving my desire - it can't be to share a bond with your DH, as you don't envisage him being around much longer; its not to enhance the lives of your existing children - what is it that you think will make your life better by bringing another child into the mix?

Its okay to mourn the loss of the opportunity to have more children - I have.  I dreamed of being mum to many when I was younger, but life didn't deal me those cards.

It is also okay to pause and think what exactly would give you what you are looking for at this stage and putting some energy towards that.

If it is to be the carer of a baby, investigate the fostering section.

If it is to feel needed again, look at what your community needs.

If it is to be loved, get marriage and family counselling.

If it is to be sleep-deprived and physically broken, get menopause.

(The last was a joke - sort of)

#80 Caribou

Posted 22 March 2019 - 07:23 AM

OP,

Will you report back on what you end up doing? I am curious.

While it is entirely your decision, no one knows your life better than you and your family, I can’t help think it’s not the answer for you. I am concerned you’re using the idea of a baby as positive focus to shy away from marriage troubles. It’s like you can’t worry about marriage problems when someone else needs you more.

Good luck, whatever you decide!

#81 Bam1

Posted 22 March 2019 - 07:44 AM

We can always wait for the future post - help I’m single, 3 kids, one a very expensive newborn, no family support except a mother who has me as her carer and the void I thought a newborn would fill has only gotten bigger.

#82 ipsee

Posted 22 March 2019 - 08:20 AM

Reasons aside, it may actually not be medically possible, and could cost a small fortune trying to make it happen, as well as months/years of stress in trying to get pregnant, and worrying about miscarriage etc.

I wouldn't take all that on unless everyone involved was absolutely 100% convinced it was the right thing to do.

#83 Illiterati

Posted 22 March 2019 - 08:30 AM

.

Edited by Illiterati, 24 March 2019 - 11:58 AM.


#84 Jenflea

Posted 22 March 2019 - 09:19 AM

Also, how would you be if one of your first 2 kids gets pregnant at 15 or 16(or fathers a child)? Would you want to be a mother of a preschooler and taking on a(hypothetical) grandchild because the parent/s are too young to look after them or still at school trying to finish yr 12?  While still trying to work and look after an elderly mother.

#85 gruidae

Posted 22 March 2019 - 09:29 AM

I'm picking up on a contradictory message in your post - I'm not sure if you've noticed it, so I'm pointing it out not to have a go at you but to help bring possible clarity to your thought processes.

On the one hand you say your motivation is for your two current kids to have extra sibling support. Then on the other hand you say your marriage is on the rocks therefore you're considering doing it as a single parent but you'd have the older two as sibling carers.

These are kind of opposite messages.

In the event of a relationship breakdown, you couldn't rely on always having the older two as "sibling mums". If the pressure was too much, they could very well decamp the scene to dad's house. Would you still consider this if they weren't on the scene?

My partner was raised "Quiverfull" and was a sister mum to the three youngest. She couldn't cope in the end and decamped from the family. Felt massive guilt at abandoning "her kids". Those kids, now adult, also have massive abandonment issues.

There is also a dynamic for sibling carers that's not been mentioned and that is the dynamic of having loads of responsibility but none of the power and authority that a parent has.That puts kids in an impossible situation emotionally and can encourage really dysfunctional dynamics between them..

Just some food for thought.

#86 liveworkplay

Posted 22 March 2019 - 10:32 AM

I wouldn't. Your reasoning is relying on a few parameters like siblings actually getting along, which is not a given, and the big one is that your new child will not have any special needs/medical issues. What would happen if the new baby was born needing additional care/help. Are you willing to burden your older children with the responsibility of their ageing parents and a special needs sibling?

I had my last child at 37. I am now 46 and I know that physically I could not handle going through pregnancy and the baby stages again (And I LOVE being pregnant and the baby stages) Plus you have yet to have a teen in the house. The mental and emotional stress this puts on a parent, even of a mild mannered teen, is not one you can anticipate.  

At the end of the day it is your decision but you need to be realistic and think through as many outcomes as you can

Quote

Your older kids will be adults before your new child is in high school. Not sure what you are picturing your youngest doing with them in the early years? Crafting together? And how depressing once the others leave for the new child to be living alone in a house with a bunch of retirees!


I had a friend in high school who had two siblings who were my mums age (so in their mid 30's)  and one younger sibling.  One of the younger kids was well adjusted mentally, the other wasn't. Both resented their parents choice to have them much later in life.

Edited by liveworkplay, 22 March 2019 - 10:37 AM.


#87 Soontobegran

Posted 22 March 2019 - 10:43 AM

I am sorry but I can’t see a single reason in your post to tell you anything other than it is a bad idea.

The medical side of things is a minefield donated eggs or not.

Having said that I get you completely.
Good luck.

#88 Ellie bean

Posted 22 March 2019 - 10:55 AM

View PostJBH, on 22 March 2019 - 05:43 AM, said:



To be fair, I think the negative tone of the thread is largely the result of the topic saying “talk me out of it”. Otherwise I suspect posts would be more balanced.
Yeah I would not have posted at all if it was “talk me into it”

#89 ExpatInAsia

Posted 22 March 2019 - 12:21 PM

View Postliterally nobody, on 21 March 2019 - 11:48 AM, said:

As someone who had a much younger sibling where myself and my brother (same ages as your kids at the moment) had to step up and pretty much be mini parents to our sibling- it did nothing but cause resentment as we did miss out on alot. Even now at 28, 38 & 40 - there is still a divide and resentment that he wrecked our childhood.

On another note DH’s family had a similar thing but with an even larger gap - think 16, 11 and newborn. As adults the two older say the younger always got preferential treatment and she does, everybody we know sees it and there’s resentment as she literally milks it.

the younger out of our siblings who recently both have newborns- their kids won’t grow up with the rest of our kids as the age gaps are too big and there’s nothing in common.

My SIL always gets sick of being asked if her parents are her grandparents. she finds it really embarrassing and at one point didn’t want them at school events as it irked her.

This was our experience.

Also I am parenting a strong willed teen in my 40s and sometimes I want to just give in as I am over the arguing. I can’t imagine being up for it in my 60s and I am a strong willed person myself.

#90 alwayshappy

Posted 22 March 2019 - 12:34 PM

Not a good idea!

No-one has mentioned the impact on the child created, from a woman over the other side of the world, and all the complexities that go with being a donor conceived person. If you do some research and listen to the voices of those who are created this way, who are deliberately denied a relationship with their kin, you may also change your mind.

#91 c.sanders

Posted 22 March 2019 - 12:52 PM

View Postjustmeplus4, on 21 March 2019 - 04:44 PM, said:




Why do you think an adopted child deserves any less than a biological one? Why do you think it would be less work? It’s often more as at 50 Op would be adopting a much older child, one that you can almost guarantee would come with layers of trauma.

I must be ina bad mood today but I really get annoyed with the throw away line of “just adopt or foster” when the situation described is considered less than ideal.

You are totally misunderstanding me and you've missed some key things in her post. She is considering donated eggs so she doesn't necessarily want to have a biological child. My point is that if she is so keen to have another child and genetics don't come into it then this may be another option. But my overall opinion is I don't think this is a good idea.

#92 Oriental lily

Posted 22 March 2019 - 01:03 PM

Sounds to me like you are having some sort of ‘identity crises’
Having IVF with the added mix of a third persons contributions  (eggs )is tough enough .

Add in a struggling marriage
Possibly becoming a single mother .
Age
And how all above will then effect your existing kids and something else is going on .

If anything I think ‘age’ is probably the least problematic bit !

If you had a great marriage and no previous kids then I would think go for your life ! Age is just a number !

So what’s going on that your even contemplate this ?
On paper it seems totally bonkers but their must be a need or a feeling that this baby will fill or something.

How do you feel your life will improve with this hypothetically baby ?

Do you feel as you get older your losing your identity ? That being a mother of young children gave you a space that made you feel needed/ wanted ?

Deffinetly need a professional to unwrap this puzzle .



#93 ERipley

Posted 22 March 2019 - 01:16 PM

And yet another thing, I have a friend who is the eldest of 4 with a big age gap. She had to help raise her siblings, especially the youngest. She adores them all but having had to do so much childcare as a teenager she is very firm that she has no interest in having children of her own. She says she has already done that stuff, but it makes me feel sad because the only reason most of us do this is to help the children we created grow into people we are proud of. That bond, trust and love that comes with that beautiful relationship. She’s going to miss out on all of it. She would be an amazing mother too.

I’m not saying this will happen with your children but if you really are considering putting them in the role of carers it’s something to consider.

#94 Chocolate Addict

Posted 22 March 2019 - 02:31 PM

I had my first,and only child at 40yo. It was a breeze, I could do every thing like any other mother, when the kid was about 8 ish?? I got diagnosed with arthritis in both knees. I couldn't and can't sit on the floor, do stairs (depending on the steps and the day). If I had another at 50yo I would need help or really have to adapt and that kid would miss out on a lot of stuff.

My kid is 14yo and SN, you never know what your genes are going to give you, you could end up with more than you bargained for.

I would not be doing it.

View PostJenflea, on 22 March 2019 - 09:19 AM, said:

Also, how would you be if one of your first 2 kids gets pregnant at 15 or 16(or fathers a child)? Would you want to be a mother of a preschooler and taking on a(hypothetical) grandchild because the parent/s are too young to look after them or still at school trying to finish yr 12?  While still trying to work and look after an elderly mother.
This happened within my family. Mother/grandmother was basically looking after  young kids while her daughter was working or doing schooling. My sisters youngest also has high needs so double handful. My sister was in her early 40s.
It all worked out with my family but there is no guarantee with that either.

Enjoy your impending freedom. :)

#95 WannabeMasterchef

Posted 23 March 2019 - 08:34 AM

View PostFeralRebelWClaws, on 21 March 2019 - 09:05 PM, said:

Just because there is a large age gap between children doesn't mean that the older children will look after the younger. child/ren.DSD is 16 and DS is 2. She is in year 11. She does all her study, isn't interrupted. I don't think she's ever babysat him, except for maybe if he's already been in bed and we popped out to get takeaway (and DS doesn't tend to wake up.)I have no intention of expecting her to look after him either. He adores her and loves spending time with her. But he's not her responsibility.

I am so glad you posted this. I have 6 and 8 year old girls and I am about to have baby number 3. Im very conscious of not letting them be 'second mothers' to their little brother much as they might want to be.

ETA - for the OPs situation something I haven't seen mentioned yet is that it may take a while to get pregnant, if she is able to. So the age gap might end up being 11 and 14 for example with OP being 53. Just something to consider.

Edited by WannabeMasterchef, 23 March 2019 - 08:38 AM.


#96 Chchgirl

Posted 23 March 2019 - 10:24 AM

I'll give kudos to my parents, there's a goid age gap between us older two and younger two, I left school the same yeary youngest sister started school. My parents never made or expected us to babysit.

The age gap isn't an issue as adults, and as a teenager I adored the younger brother and sister, maybe because I could enjoy it as a sibling rather than a burden. Credit toy parents there.

#97 Not Escapin Xmas

Posted 23 March 2019 - 01:09 PM

 Octopodes, on 22 March 2019 - 04:44 AM, said:

See a psychologist, get to the bottom of what is making you want a child at 50. Are you trying to fix something in your life that you don't know how to fix by having a baby? Do you want to end your relationship but don't know how and so are using talk of another baby to push him to end it? Are you unhappy in you job? Are you struggling with your existing children growing up so fast?

Yep this. You've clearly got a lot on your plate right now, seeing a psych will help you work through everything in a way that leaves you in a better place, not a worse place!




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