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Ok to attend wedding ceremony only if not invited?


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#101 doubledelight

Posted 26 March 2019 - 06:35 AM

View PostHeather11, on 25 March 2019 - 07:36 PM, said:

I remember when approaching weddings were in the announcements in the newspapers.  It was an informal invitation to friends and acquaintances to attend the ceremony.

I was just coming to post along these lines.  It was an unwritten rule that although invitations to receptions were limited due to cost the ceremony was open to anyone that wished to attend.

#102 born.a.girl

Posted 26 March 2019 - 06:52 AM

View PostHands Up, on 25 March 2019 - 04:51 PM, said:

And yet they didn’t invite her. If they wanted her there they would have done.


Yet imagine how awkward: We invite the two of you to our ceremony AND the reception afterwards.  We invite your daughter to the ceremony only.


Imagine the EB thread on that one!


I find the modern 'must be invited to the wedding' despite it being in a church which is open to the public quite bizarre.

Growing up it was absolutely common AND expected that all those who knew the couple and wanted to be at the ceremony did so, but that you obviously had to be invited to the reception.

It's not even as though it's in a chapel with limited seating, it's a park.

#103 born.a.girl

Posted 26 March 2019 - 06:54 AM

View Postseayork2002, on 26 March 2019 - 06:32 AM, said:

Maybe it is old fashioned but for weddings I do what I am asked if I am asked to give money, wear purple, eat vegetarian, have a dry bar or whatever I just do it or not go.

I don't need to complicate it but I assume invitatioms name the people invited. I don't have to agree with but it is there wedding and i assume they want their wedding to be not it is and are not 'bridezillas' for wanting it

The 'old fashioned' way, was anyone was welcome at a wedding, but you get asked to receptions.  Weddings, which were almost universally held in churches in the past, were attended by all and sundry who were interested.

I guess we're all influenced by our experience, but I know it was fabulous for the couple concerned, when I lived in an isolated community, for just about everyone to turn up to their wedding.

Edited by born.a.girl, 26 March 2019 - 06:57 AM.


#104 born.a.girl

Posted 26 March 2019 - 06:56 AM

View Postcstar, on 25 March 2019 - 08:13 PM, said:

Everyone overthinks everything way too much!

What’s the big deal if she goes, what harm could it possibly do.  How sweet that she wants to go and see someone she has known her whole life get married.


We might even get a classic EB thread out of it!

#105 born.a.girl

Posted 26 March 2019 - 07:02 AM

View Postnotsoretro, on 25 March 2019 - 06:19 PM, said:

Reminds me of my wedding where the cathedral is in a mall and we had really cool vintage cars which attracted some attention. I know at least one total random came in, he's in the photos! Bill was his name, as he introduced himself to several invited guests and made himself quite at home


Off topic, but one of my husband's friends had a wedding anniversary party in a park (justified, they'd had a hideous year, one not expected to survive, so that was the concept).

Everyone brought food and the idea was we'd move around and share each others' food.

We had a reasonably well dressed bloke moving around with his first question being 'and how do you know Murgatroyd and Myrtle?', so of course we chat.

That just gave him the info he needed for the next group, to sound like he knew them.  We all thought it was quite funny - he got a great feed out of us all.

#106 luke's mummu

Posted 26 March 2019 - 07:04 AM

View Postashoe, on 26 March 2019 - 03:41 AM, said:



Awww that's so sweet. I remember going to see my teacher's marriage ceremony when I was about 7, a number of students and our Mums sat in the back of the church. It was lovely!

OP I don't see any problem with what you've suggesting

When I was in year 6, my teacher got married. The kids stood outside the small church to form a “guard of honour “ as they exited the church. Just beautiful

#107 Hands Up

Posted 26 March 2019 - 07:07 AM

View Postborn.a.girl, on 26 March 2019 - 07:02 AM, said:




Off topic, but one of my husband's friends had a wedding anniversary party in a park (justified, they'd had a hideous year, one not expected to survive, so that was the concept).

Everyone brought food and the idea was we'd move around and share each others' food.

We had a reasonably well dressed bloke moving around with his first question being 'and how do you know Murgatroyd and Myrtle?', so of course we chat.

That just gave him the info he needed for the next group, to sound like he knew them.  We all thought it was quite funny - he got a great feed out of us all.

We had this happen at a friends fortieth in a private room (all drinks and food paid by the hosts). There was a dawning realisation at about 11pm that no one in the room knew her, around the time she became quite drunk and was trying out some crazy dance moves. The birthday girl ended up introducing herself and gently guiding her out of the room. It was very funny but also a little sad as I think perhaps this woman was just very lonely....

#108 just roses

Posted 26 March 2019 - 07:58 AM

View PostBadCat, on 25 March 2019 - 06:55 PM, said:

Of course she can go.  I wouldn't even ask.

There were several extras at my ceremony.  Nobody asked me and I didn't care one bit.
This.

I’ll assume she’s no crazy child-hating bridezilla since a) she has invited children and b) she’s chosen a public place for her ceremony. And I assume the groom won’t care because he’s known the OP’s daughter all her life.

#109 ~LemonMyrtle~

Posted 26 March 2019 - 08:27 AM

So many people saying "yes, coming to the ceremony only is fine, and very common"  yet in another thread people were outraged that you might be invited to just the ceremony, not the reception, and they wouldn't go to the wedding at all if not invited to both as its an insult somehow.

EB is strange.

#110 aprilrainatxmas

Posted 26 March 2019 - 08:35 AM

I've read quite a few UK threads where people are invited to the "evening do" but not the actual wedding ceremony.

Apparently because some churches are small and you can't depend on the weather to hang around on the church porch.

I had to reread the first one thinking it seemed completely the opposite of here.

#111 born.a.girl

Posted 26 March 2019 - 08:40 AM

View Post~LemonMyrtle~, on 26 March 2019 - 08:27 AM, said:

So many people saying "yes, coming to the ceremony only is fine, and very common"  yet in another thread people were outraged that you might be invited to just the ceremony, not the reception, and they wouldn't go to the wedding at all if not invited to both as its an insult somehow.

EB is strange.


There's a difference.

Historically, you'd never invite someone 'just to the wedding'.  The reception is the bit that's private, and costs someone a fortune, and generally speaking, a lot of people would have more people at their reception if money was no object.

I therefore see someone being sent a specific invitation to the wedding as quite odd - if you want to go, you don't wait for an invitation.  If you don't ask people to your whole wedding celebration, it's truly weird to just ask them specifically to what's generally a public place.

Mores seem to have changed, and a wedding (only) invite seems to be taking hold.


That's why the same people might be saying 'an invite to a ceremony (only) is weird', and 'just go, it's not something you get an invite to'.

Twenty years ago, no one invited people to 'just' a celebration, an no one ever thought they couldn't go to 'just' a celebration without an invite.

Same same.

#112 seayork2002

Posted 26 March 2019 - 08:41 AM

View Postaprilrainatxmas, on 26 March 2019 - 08:35 AM, said:

I've read quite a few UK threads where people are invited to the "evening do" but not the actual wedding ceremony.

Apparently because some churches are small and you can't depend on the weather to hang around on the church porch.

I had to reread the first one thinking it seemed completely the opposite of here.

Yeah they have that there- I don't get it personally as I either would want people to come or not I would feel weird picking and choosing really but again if I was invited to a part of the wedding I would go, or not.

My SIL had it there at one of hers (before i was around) the other SIL just had it with everyone invited and the reception was at a pub one of the relatives owned - it was great! (I have nothing against the first SIL's wedding but it was before I met DH)

#113 seayork2002

Posted 26 March 2019 - 08:43 AM

View Postborn.a.girl, on 26 March 2019 - 08:40 AM, said:

There's a difference.

Historically, you'd never invite someone 'just to the wedding'.  The reception is the bit that's private, and costs someone a fortune, and generally speaking, a lot of people would have more people at their reception if money was no object.

I therefore see someone being sent a specific invitation to the wedding as quite odd - if you want to go, you don't wait for an invitation.  If you don't ask people to your whole wedding celebration, it's truly weird to just ask them specifically to what's generally a public place.

Mores seem to have changed, and a wedding (only) invite seems to be taking hold.


That's why the same people might be saying 'an invite to a ceremony (only) is weird', and 'just go, it's not something you get an invite to'.

Twenty years ago, no one invited people to 'just' a celebration, an no one ever thought they couldn't go to 'just' a celebration without an invite.

Same same.

But to me it is still an event it may be a BBQ in the local park but if there invitations I would treat it as such.

It makes difference to me if it as Bondi Beach or Buckingham Palace.

If I am not invited (or my child) I don't go.

I don't see why it needs to be any more complicated than that

#114 born.a.girl

Posted 26 March 2019 - 08:47 AM

View Postseayork2002, on 26 March 2019 - 08:43 AM, said:

But to me it is still an event it may be a BBQ in the local park but if there invitations I would treat it as such.

It makes difference to me if it as Bondi Beach or Buckingham Palace.

If I am not invited (or my child) I don't go.

I don't see why it needs to be any more complicated than that


It's not complicated - in my lifetime, ceremonies were public affairs in public places - you go if you want to.  Functions are invited affairs, you wait to be invited.

Growing up, half the parish turned up for ceremonies.  It was almost considered the done thing.

#115 ~Jolly_F~

Posted 26 March 2019 - 08:53 AM

It’s not complicated. Some people seem to want to make it so but it’s not!

It’s about what is normal for some people.

I also grew up with everyone and anyone going to the ceremony and the reception being an invite only event.

Personally I probably wouldn’t even ask in this situation because it’s in a public space... but apparently I am one of the reasons society is going to hell :rofl:

#116 hills mum bec

Posted 26 March 2019 - 09:02 AM

View PostQuick hedgehog, on 25 March 2019 - 05:56 PM, said:

All I can think of here is, wow, how times have changed.

It used to be totally normal for absolutely anyone to attend the ceremony - obviously back in those days is was in a church as outdoor weddings hadn't taken hold.  

I remember attending numerous weddings as a child, of neighours etc, where we weren't close enough to be invited to the reception, but were connected enough to the family to want to share their joy on the day.

Also I think wedding receptions weren't such a huge affair, and people didn't splash around such enormous sums of money on them, so only a select few would be attending a reception afterwards.  It was always the more the merrier to witness the wedding itself.

Such a lovely tradition to have fallen by the wayside.  I would feel honoured that anyone wanted to attend my wedding ceremony and honestly, in this situation the couple are not even going to notice she is there.

This is exactly what I was thinking.  When I got married 20+ years ago in a church there were heaps of people at the ceremony that weren't invited and it was lovely.  I would assume that the reason the DD wasn't invited was to save money on reception costs, not because they don't want kids at the ceremony.  I can't think of any reason how an 11yo who can sit quietly & calmly could have any negative effect on a wedding ceremony.  If there are only enough seats for invited guests at the ceremony then I'm sure your DD will understand that she might have to watch from the back standing up.  It's a no brainer for me.  If you don't want uninvited guests at your ceremony then don't have your ceremony in a public space.  My answer would be different if  the ceremony was being held in a private space.

#117 Hollycoddle

Posted 26 March 2019 - 09:39 AM

View Postborn.a.girl, on 26 March 2019 - 08:40 AM, said:

Mores seem to have changed, and a wedding (only) invite seems to be taking hold.


It' for this reason that it would be a no for me to the OP.  I think times have changed, I don't think these days people would expect randoms to turn up to any part of their wedding unless they receive an invite asking them to either the ceremony only or ceremony and reception.  If I was going to do it I would at least ask, and I would only do it if the couple were so close to me that I could be assured of getting an honest yes or no.

Strangers at public places having a gawk?  Lots of PPs have said this was the case at their weddings so it should be a given but it really depends on the specific venue.  My SIL's wedding and my father's was held at the same public gardens, the gardens are large and the wedding was set up well away from the main public thoroughfare of the gardens so any gawking by strangers could only be done from a fair distance.  Some venues may even set up physical barriers to separate functions from the general public areas.  So I wouldn't take this as a reason as to why it should automatically be OK for someone not on the invite to turn up.

Edited by Mollycoddle, 26 March 2019 - 09:55 AM.


#118 cvbn

Posted 26 March 2019 - 09:49 AM

Just a thought.

I had lots of onlookers for my wedding, (more than at the wedding, small country town) but they were in casual, Saturday clothes.

If your daughter is dressed smartly it may cause some confusion so perhaps just let them know for that reason.

Enjoy!

#119 Hollycoddle

Posted 26 March 2019 - 09:54 AM

View Postborn.a.girl, on 26 March 2019 - 08:47 AM, said:

It's not complicated - in my lifetime, ceremonies were public affairs in public places - you go if you want to.  Functions are invited affairs, you wait to be invited.


These days people are more likely to view the whole thing as a function, even if held in a public place.  Standing out on the street out the front of a church watching the bride and groom go in is a bit different to turning up to a ceremony in a park or garden (albeit public) where there might be limited space or seating.

#120 Riotproof

Posted 26 March 2019 - 10:10 AM

View Postborn.a.girl, on 26 March 2019 - 08:47 AM, said:




It's not complicated - in my lifetime, ceremonies were public affairs in public places - you go if you want to.  Functions are invited affairs, you wait to be invited.

Growing up, half the parish turned up for ceremonies.  It was almost considered the done thing.

I wonder if the church ceremonies that happen now are thought of differently because the people getting married aren’t part of the church community anymore. People see it as renting a venue.

#121 born.a.girl

Posted 26 March 2019 - 11:06 AM

View PostRiotproof, on 26 March 2019 - 10:10 AM, said:

I wonder if the church ceremonies that happen now are thought of differently because the people getting married aren’t part of the church community anymore. People see it as renting a venue.


You and pps may well be right - the 'community' aspect of wedding ceremonies (as opposed to receptions) has probably gone by the wayside.


I agree too, with a pp, that checking with the couple would be preferable to them thinking on the day 'oh oops, hope they didn't think 11yo was invited - that's going to be awkward!'.

I'd be pretty certain they didn't invite her due to costs (if you invited everyone's kids).  If they were so opposed to anyone younger than an adult being in the crowd they'd not have any there at all, so I doubt it would be an issue for them.

#122 Quick hedgehog

Posted 26 March 2019 - 11:16 AM

Ah, I think I've realised why this thread is bugging me so much.

Is it really the case that any bride and groom would have the thought,

'oh my god, how awful, some person not on my carefully crafted guest list got to see me standing in a park in my wedding outfit, this has totally spoiled my day'  ?

The idea that the child of one of the guests, standing quietly and doing absolutely nothing more than witnessing from afar the celebration of a marriage could have any kind of effect on the wedding or the couple's experience of their day seems totally absurd to me.

People spend a fortune on weddings. They spend a fortune in order to show the world the best version of themselves. They hire fancy cars so their arrival will be noticed.  Who among us hasn't twisted our neck to peer at the bride inside a wedding car as it goes by?  Isn't this what the bride wants us to do?  It's her special day and part of what makes it special is that even perfect strangers want to catch a glimpse of her.

The wedding is being held in a park, perfect strangers are going to see the bride and groom just by dint of the fact that they happen to passing by, how can it possibly be so wrong that the child of one of the actual guests get to see it too?

And also, presumably the people against the child attending also don't ever post photos on social media or indeed ever step outside their houses because heaven forbid someone should actually catch a glimpse of them, that would just be totally unacceptable.

Edited by Quick hedgehog, 26 March 2019 - 12:03 PM.


#123 CallMeFeral

Posted 26 March 2019 - 11:32 AM

View Post~LemonMyrtle~, on 26 March 2019 - 08:27 AM, said:

So many people saying "yes, coming to the ceremony only is fine, and very common"  yet in another thread people were outraged that you might be invited to just the ceremony, not the reception, and they wouldn't go to the wedding at all if not invited to both as its an insult somehow.

EB is strange.

These sort of posts always puzzle me.

So firstly they are different things. (Some) people are saying that coming uninvited to a ceremony is common. You are then comparing it with being INVITED to a ceremony but not reception, which is a different scenario. And in fact a plausible reason the child might be welcome but uninvited, so actually quite consistent.

But secondly, even if it WERE contradictory, EB is not a person. Even as evident on this thread, it's made up of many people, who surprisingly enough have different views on lots of things. People may have one view on one thread and TOTALLY DIFFERENT people may post another on another thread. Mostly you'll find a range posting on both. The anthropomorphisation of EB as if it is a single hive mind such that it's 'strange' when there is not a single opinion across threads is very odd.

#124 ~LemonMyrtle~

Posted 26 March 2019 - 11:36 AM

View PostCallMeFeral, on 26 March 2019 - 11:32 AM, said:



These sort of posts always puzzle me.

So firstly they are different things. (Some) people are saying that coming uninvited to a ceremony is common. You are then comparing it with being INVITED to a ceremony but not reception, which is a different scenario. And in fact a plausible reason the child might be welcome but uninvited, so actually quite consistent.

But secondly, even if it WERE contradictory, EB is not a person. Even as evident on this thread, it's made up of many people, who surprisingly enough have different views on lots of things. People may have one view on one thread and TOTALLY DIFFERENT people may post another on another thread. Mostly you'll find a range posting on both. The anthropomorphisation of EB as if it is a single hive mind such that it's 'strange' when there is not a single opinion across threads is very odd.

Thanks for that analysis.

EB sure likes to analyse.

#125 purplekitty

Posted 26 March 2019 - 11:50 AM

View Postborn.a.girl, on 26 March 2019 - 07:02 AM, said:

Off topic, but one of my husband's friends had a wedding anniversary party in a park (justified, they'd had a hideous year, one not expected to survive, so that was the concept).

Everyone brought food and the idea was we'd move around and share each others' food.

We had a reasonably well dressed bloke moving around with his first question being 'and how do you know Murgatroyd and Myrtle?', so of course we chat.

That just gave him the info he needed for the next group, to sound like he knew them.  We all thought it was quite funny - he got a great feed out of us all.
We were married in the Fitzroy Gardens.
We had a number of photos taken with Japanese tourists at their request when they saw us afterwards.
Just part of being in a public space.




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