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Ok to attend wedding ceremony only if not invited?


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#126 born.a.girl

Posted 26 March 2019 - 11:52 AM

View PostQuick hedgehog, on 26 March 2019 - 11:16 AM, said:

Ah, I think I've realised why this thread is bugging me so much.Is it really the case that any bride and groom would have the thought,'oh my god, how awful, some person not on my carefully crafted guest list got to see me standing in a park in my wedding outfit, this has totally spoiled my day'  ?The idea that the child of one of the guests, standing quietly and doing absolutely nothing more than witnessing from afar the celebration of a marriage could have any kind of effect on the wedding or the couple's experience of their day seems totally absurd to me.People spend a fortune on weddings. They spend a fortune in order to show the world the best version of themselves. They hire fancy cars so their arrival will be noticed.  Who among us hasn't twisted our neck to peer at the bride inside a wedding car as it goes by?  Isn't this what the bride wants us to do?  It's her special day and part of what makes it special is that even perfect strangers want to catch a glimpse of her.The wedding is being held in a park, perfect strangers are going to see the bride and groom just by dint of the fact that they happen to passing by, how can it possibly be so wrong that the child of one of the actual guests get to see it too?

Couldn't agree more.  The only hiccup I could see is if they think the OP has mistakenly thought the daughter was invited to the reception - unlikely but plausible.Otherwise, yeah, 'look at me', really (and fair enough, that's not a criticism).  It's exactly why I didn't have a wedding, got the three remaining parents together, told them an hour before, and that was that.

ETA: Bolded bit:   me.   Never once in my life have I thought I'd like to be dressed up like that, and have never been particularly interested in white wedding dresses, or what brides look like.   I know I'm out of kilter with most people, but I actually find the idea (for me) of getting dressed up like that cringeworthy.  I suspect my daughter will go the other way!

Edited by born.a.girl, 26 March 2019 - 12:09 PM.


#127 Quick hedgehog

Posted 26 March 2019 - 12:07 PM

So what it comes down to is that people are predicting outrage from the bride that an 11 year old girl who she is familiar with, should be among the dozens of actual strangers who have the opportunity to catch sight of her at one time or another during her wedding day.

#128 purplekitty

Posted 26 March 2019 - 12:11 PM

View PostQuick hedgehog, on 26 March 2019 - 12:07 PM, said:

So what it comes down to is that people are predicting outrage from the bride that an 11 year old girl who she is familiar with, should be among the dozens of actual strangers who have the opportunity to catch sight of her at one time or another during her wedding day.
Times have obviously changed.

The whole neighbourhood turned up to church weddings once upon a time.
It was kind of nice.

Only the reception was private and required an invite.

#129 Hollycoddle

Posted 26 March 2019 - 01:01 PM

View PostQuick hedgehog, on 26 March 2019 - 12:07 PM, said:

So what it comes down to is that people are predicting outrage from the bride that an 11 year old girl who she is familiar with, should be among the dozens of actual strangers who have the opportunity to catch sight of her at one time or another during her wedding day.

There is no guarantee the wedding will be held in an area where strangers will have access, even if it is in a public place.  Even public places can have separate areas for private functions.

And It's not about whether the child is going to upset the wedding itself, it's about whether it's right for her to be at an event to which she hasn't been specifically invited.  I agree with PPs who have said times have changed, these days people don't necessarily view ceremonies as public events and the fact that it's become a trend to send out invites to either 'ceremony only' or 'ceremony and reception' gives credence to this view.  Why would we need 'ceremony only' invites if it was just a given that any Tom, d*ck and Harry can turn up to the ceremony?  If they wanted her there they probably would have sent out a 'ceremony only' invitation.  Otherwise I would assume they don't want her there at all.

Edited by Mollycoddle, 26 March 2019 - 01:02 PM.


#130 Chchgirl

Posted 26 March 2019 - 01:04 PM

It's been about 17 years since I've been to a wedding, but if I go I'm only going if I know that person well, so I'd just ask.

#131 redleaves

Posted 26 March 2019 - 01:24 PM

View PostMollycoddle, on 26 March 2019 - 01:01 PM, said:

There is no guarantee the wedding will be held in an area where strangers will have access, even if it is in a public place.  Even public places can have separate areas for private functions.

And It's not about whether the child is going to upset the wedding itself, it's about whether it's right for her to be at an event to which she hasn't been specifically invited.  I agree with PPs who have said times have changed, these days people don't necessarily view ceremonies as public events and the fact that it's become a trend to send out invites to either 'ceremony only' or 'ceremony and reception' gives credence to this view.  Why would we need 'ceremony only' invites if it was just a given that any Tom, d*ck and Harry can turn up to the ceremony?  If they wanted her there they probably would have sent out a 'ceremony only' invitation.  Otherwise I would assume they don't want her there at all.
This x2

#132 born.a.girl

Posted 26 March 2019 - 02:10 PM

View PostMollycoddle, on 26 March 2019 - 01:01 PM, said:

There is no guarantee the wedding will be held in an area where strangers will have access, even if it is in a public place.  Even public places can have separate areas for private functions.

And It's not about whether the child is going to upset the wedding itself, it's about whether it's right for her to be at an event to which she hasn't been specifically invited.  I agree with PPs who have said times have changed, these days people don't necessarily view ceremonies as public events and the fact that it's become a trend to send out invites to either 'ceremony only' or 'ceremony and reception' gives credence to this view.  Why would we need 'ceremony only' invites if it was just a given that any Tom, d*ck and Harry can turn up to the ceremony?  If they wanted her there they probably would have sent out a 'ceremony only' invitation.  Otherwise I would assume they don't want her there at all.


Then as far as I'm concerned, it's a truly awful change that goes along with all the other ways weddings have changed in recent years.

I find the idea of 'wedding only' invites cringeworthy.

(And I'm not talking for one second of the 'you can come and bring a gift but I won't pay for you at the reception' aspect.)

Then again, I wouldn't even have dreamed of having a 'wedding' myself, because I find the whole palaver yuck so clearly I'm not going to be in favour of anything that makes it 'more special' (by being more private).

#133 Claudia Jean

Posted 26 March 2019 - 02:26 PM

This thread makes me feel old!

I didn't realise the ceremony-free-for-all had so comprehensively gone the way of the dinosaur in the last ten or so years!

#134 SummerStar

Posted 26 March 2019 - 02:58 PM

As far as I knew anyone can turn up for the ceremony if in a public place or church or something. We had people (friends of my parents and some of our friends parents) turn up at our ceremony that weren't invited to the reception. They were just interested to see the wedding. Didn't think anything of it.
I also attended my aunts wedding with my grandmother as a kid (aunt on the other side so my grandmother wasn't invited either) she took us to the ceremony then back to hers to stay since mum and dad were at the reception.

I have actually been invited to a ceremony only once before and not invited to the reception. I did not attend. People also get invited to hens and bucks without being invited to the wedding at all. I'm not a fan of hens so if someone invited me to that and not the wedding I'd not feel obligated to go (and wouldn't) at all.

#135 Hollycoddle

Posted 26 March 2019 - 03:03 PM

View Postborn.a.girl, on 26 March 2019 - 02:10 PM, said:

I find the idea of 'wedding only' invites cringeworthy.


So do I. I wouldn't do it myself but others may have different views to me hence I would err on the side of caution and not attend any part of a wedding if I wasn't given at least a 'ceremony only' invite.

Edited by Mollycoddle, 26 March 2019 - 03:03 PM.


#136 EsmeLennox

Posted 26 March 2019 - 03:06 PM

Quote

The only hiccup I could see is if they think the OP has mistakenly thought the daughter was invited to the reception - unlikely but plausible.


But it's not even a hiccup, really, because when they arrive at the reception the 11 year old won't be there.

I doubt the bride & groom will even notice the 11 year old, unless it's a very small wedding.

#137 Hollycoddle

Posted 26 March 2019 - 03:29 PM

View PostEsmeLennox, on 26 March 2019 - 03:06 PM, said:

But it's not even a hiccup, really, because when they arrive at the reception the 11 year old won't be there.


Well the hiccup would obviously be the angst the couple might feel if they do see her there and assume she is coming to the reception, as if the OP misread the invitation or something.  That's why, if the OP is going to do it, she should ask them first.

Edited by Mollycoddle, 26 March 2019 - 03:30 PM.


#138 Greatmum

Posted 26 March 2019 - 03:31 PM

If it’s in a public place anyone can stop in watch sonetimes u see people watching if U see a public wedding.

#139 EsmeLennox

Posted 26 March 2019 - 03:38 PM

View PostMollycoddle, on 26 March 2019 - 03:29 PM, said:

Well the hiccup would obviously be the angst the couple might feel if they do see her there and assume she is coming to the reception, as if the OP misread the invitation or something.  That's why, if the OP is going to do it, she should ask them first.

Or people could just be a little less uptight.

I doubt the bride/groom would even notice the kid is there.

#140 amdirel

Posted 26 March 2019 - 03:45 PM

View Postborn.a.girl, on 26 March 2019 - 06:52 AM, said:

Yet imagine how awkward: We invite the two of you to our ceremony AND the reception afterwards.  We invite your daughter to the ceremony only.


Imagine the EB thread on that one!



My kids (older, quiet, very well-behaved) were part of a bridal party once, and not invited to the reception. The wedding and reception was 1-1.5 hours each way in heavy traffic from home, and I was left to organise them and their transport myself (I drove them home then back again). They were also upset they weren't invited. They felt like a decoration. I had so much fun being stuck in traffic for hours. But I'll shut my mouth now before I say too much lol.

#141 Kreme

Posted 26 March 2019 - 03:48 PM

I got married in a park, but not the type of park that loads of people wander through, so apart from a couple of fishermen most people who were there were invited to the wedding.

I also had a bit of angst over children at the wedding, not because I’m a horrible controlling b**ch, but I was one of the last of my friends to get married and if I’d invited kids it would have almost doubled our numbers. DH and I were paying for the whole wedding and we couldn’t afford it! So we just invited mine and DH’s nieces and nephews and small babies who couldn’t really be away from their parents.

If someone had asked me if their child could come to the ceremony I would have had no problem with it, but if they’d just turned up I admit I would have been worried that there had been a miscommunication and they were coming to the reception. So I’d say just run it by the couple and tell them your DD wants to see the bride in her beautiful dress but you want to be clear she’s not staying.

#142 ImperatorFuriosa

Posted 26 March 2019 - 04:06 PM

Oh I don't know, maybe ask the couple if it's ok if she can attend? Not rocket science. If they say no then there ya go.

#143 literally nobody

Posted 26 March 2019 - 04:46 PM

omg this thread is still going!

i clearly need a better social life!

#144 born.a.girl

Posted 26 March 2019 - 04:52 PM

View PostEsmeLennox, on 26 March 2019 - 03:06 PM, said:

But it's not even a hiccup, really, because when they arrive at the reception several hours later the 11 year old won't be there and they'll realise that their concern was unfounded.

I doubt the bride & groom will even notice the 11 year old, unless it's a very small wedding.


Easily solved, as per Mollycoddle with a quick check with them.  We've no idea what they might think if and when they see her at the ceremony.

Better to be safe than sorry, as we don't know what the couple's attitudes are to others attending.  I'm a bit shocked it's an issue for anybody, but as it apparently IS for some people, a quick check seems sensible.

#145 blimkybill

Posted 26 March 2019 - 05:01 PM

View PostQuick hedgehog, on 25 March 2019 - 05:56 PM, said:

All I can think of here is, wow, how times have changed.

It used to be totally normal for absolutely anyone to attend the ceremony - obviously back in those days is was in a church as outdoor weddings hadn't taken hold.  

I remember attending numerous weddings as a child, of neighours etc, where we weren't close enough to be invited to the reception, but were connected enough to the family to want to share their joy on the day.

Also I think wedding receptions weren't such a huge affair, and people didn't splash around such enormous sums of money on them, so only a select few would be attending a reception afterwards.  It was always the more the merrier to witness the wedding itself.

Such a lovely tradition to have fallen by the wayside.  I would feel honoured that anyone wanted to attend my wedding ceremony and honestly, in this situation the couple are not even going to notice she is there.
I am glad I am not the only one with exactly this thought. In fact I had not realised times had changed in this way till reading this thread. I think I will just go on believing that extra people turning up to a wedding ceremony in a public place is both normal and something to be cherished.

#146 YodaTheWrinkledOne

Posted 26 March 2019 - 05:13 PM

View PostClaudia Jean, on 26 March 2019 - 02:26 PM, said:

I didn't realise the ceremony-free-for-all had so comprehensively gone the way of the dinosaur in the last ten or so years!
IRL, without days (pages) of random strangers contemplating the minutiae of wedding etiquette, I feel quietly confident that people do often stop by for a quick sticky-beak at a wedding in the park/church/public area, even in this contemporary era of social media, smart phones and digital communication.

Maybe not quite with the retro flamboyance of years past, but it still happens.

And the world still turns.

#147 Heather11

Posted 26 March 2019 - 05:15 PM

Quote

If they wanted her there they probably would have sent out a 'ceremony only' invitation.  Otherwise I would assume they don't want her there at all.

Or maybe the B&G think like a fair few of us here, that because it is in a public place anyone can attend the ceremony.  Why would you bother to send 'ceremony only' invites in this instance?

#148 lizzybirdsworth

Posted 26 March 2019 - 05:24 PM

I would take her and let her enjoy it. I had no idea there were extras at my wedding until they came to congratulate us after the ceremony. Didn’t bother me. One guest brought her 2 children to the ceremony and did handover in between ceremony and reception. The little girl loved seeing my dress.

#149 born.a.girl

Posted 26 March 2019 - 05:25 PM

View PostHeather11, on 26 March 2019 - 05:15 PM, said:

Or maybe the B&G think like a fair few of us here, that because it is in a public place anyone can attend the ceremony.  Why would you bother to send 'ceremony only' invites in this instance?

Indeed, like many of us here, they may be oblivious of this trend.

#150 ~Bob~

Posted 26 March 2019 - 05:45 PM

View PostClaudia Jean, on 26 March 2019 - 02:26 PM, said:

This thread makes me feel old!

I didn't realise the ceremony-free-for-all had so comprehensively gone the way of the dinosaur in the last ten or so years!

+1

We do this all the time. Most weddings we are invited to, it’s just us. So we get the kids all dressed nicely and head off to the church. Usually, there’s a few hours before the reception, so we go home and relax for a while. Then we head off when the babysitter comes.

It would be a lot to need a babysitter from 11am until 12am to cover both!

In our culture, this is very normal and no-one cares.

Point noted for any Aussie weddings we get invited to!!!




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