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Ok to attend wedding ceremony only if not invited?


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#151 gemgirl

Posted 26 March 2019 - 05:47 PM

I think it's totally fine if you check with the Bride & Groom :) I had friends bring their older kids to the ceremony only for my first wedding (after checking). It was a kid-free reception. My second wedding I had kids invited (ceremony & reception) because so many people (friends & family) had kids by then, my sister included

Edited by gemgirl, 26 March 2019 - 05:47 PM.


#152 gemgirl

Posted 26 March 2019 - 05:51 PM

View Post~Bob~, on 26 March 2019 - 05:45 PM, said:



Point noted for any Aussie weddings we get invited to!!!

I believe you get invited to the reception as that's the catered part. Anyone was welcome to my ceremonies (except my stalker ex, and we actually had security for that reason - crazy huh!). That said, I no longer would assume, and would ask, but make it clear I meant ceremony only. But etiquette-wise, I believe you would be fine if you didn't ask. I'd just hate the couple panicking that I'd assumed I could take them to the reception or something.

We have taken the kids before to every family wedding ceremony we've been to, but not friends. I think we've only been to one friend wedding since kids, and it was a ceremony + drinks/afternoon tea all in one, so we didn't consider or ask.

#153 GingerbreadWoman

Posted 26 March 2019 - 06:17 PM

View PostRiotproof, on 26 March 2019 - 10:10 AM, said:


I wonder if the church ceremonies that happen now are thought of differently because the people getting married aren’t part of the church community anymore. People see it as renting a venue.

View PostClaudia Jean, on 26 March 2019 - 02:26 PM, said:

This thread makes me feel old!

I didn't realise the ceremony-free-for-all had so comprehensively gone the way of the dinosaur in the last ten or so years!

I didn’t realise either and I only got married about five years ago! But it was a church wedding, in the church my parents married in, and where I had attended with them as a child, so in a way it was my (or at least my parents) community.

There were lots of ‘extras’ there on the day and they were all very welcome.



#154 YodaTheWrinkledOne

Posted 26 March 2019 - 07:16 PM

Plenty of people will let friends, acquaintances, colleagues and other people know where the ceremony will be held and that they are welcome to swing by if they are free and have no other plans. I have had heaps of those "invitations" over the years (including recently), where it's a casual comment/phone call/email/text message/FB post etc, just to let people know when and where the ceremony will take place. Most people realise that receptions are expensive and formal guest lists are limited.

#155 gracie1978

Posted 26 March 2019 - 07:39 PM

Now I need to know what the couple say!!

#156 WaitForMe

Posted 26 March 2019 - 08:39 PM

View PostClaudia Jean, on 26 March 2019 - 02:26 PM, said:

This thread makes me feel old!

I didn't realise the ceremony-free-for-all had so comprehensively gone the way of the dinosaur in the last ten or so years!

I don't actually think this thread reflects real life.

Wedding guests tend to come from a wide range of ages and backgrounds and whether bridezillas like it or not, their Great Aunt Sal is going to let her next door neighbour know when the ceremony is and they'll come along because they have fond memories of bridezilla running through their sprinklers naked. Or maybe even just because Aunt Sal needed a ride.

I didn't even notice (or care!) I had uninvited guests at my ceremony until my parents mentioned so and so from way back was there.

#157 CallMeFeral

Posted 26 March 2019 - 08:40 PM

View PostMollycoddle, on 26 March 2019 - 01:01 PM, said:

and the fact that it's become a trend to send out invites to either 'ceremony only' or 'ceremony and reception' gives credence to this view.  Why would we need 'ceremony only' invites if it was just a given that any Tom, d*ck and Harry can turn up to the ceremony?  If they wanted her there they probably would have sent out a 'ceremony only' invitation.  Otherwise I would assume they don't want her there at all.

Honestly I really don't think 'ceremony only' invites ARE a trend. The idea that it would now be acceptable to basically send out a message saying "happy for you to see me as long as I don't have to pay for you!" is so appallingly rude that I can't believe it is being proposed that this would be a normal default, and more likely than the alternative (i.e. only sending out invitations for people also invited to the reception).

To me the "probably would have sent out a 'ceremony only' invitation" is about as probable as them standing at the door and charging entry fees to their reception. I don't think the lack of them doing so is indicative of anything except that they are not incredibly rude!

#158 lizzzard

Posted 26 March 2019 - 08:53 PM

View Post~LemonMyrtle~, on 26 March 2019 - 11:36 AM, said:

Thanks for that analysis.

EB sure likes to analyse.
LM, you sure like to personify :p

#159 Lou-bags

Posted 26 March 2019 - 08:55 PM

View PostCallMeFeral, on 26 March 2019 - 08:40 PM, said:



Honestly I really don't think 'ceremony only' invites ARE a trend. The idea that it would now be acceptable to basically send out a message saying "happy for you to see me as long as I don't have to pay for you!" is so appallingly rude that I can't believe it is being proposed that this would be a normal default, and more likely than the alternative (i.e. only sending out invitations for people also invited to the reception).

To me the "probably would have sent out a 'ceremony only' invitation" is about as probable as them standing at the door and charging entry fees to their reception. I don't think the lack of them doing so is indicative of anything except that they are not incredibly rude!

I agree. I’ve only known of one or two ‘ceremony only invite’ weddings in the 15+ that DH and I have been to, and the similar amount my sister has been to. Actually, she works in the wedding industry, I should ask her if this is commonplace or not.

The ones that did have them were the bridezilla end of the bride spectrum, over the top huge affairs with the two tiers of guests.

One was particularly awful as the ceremony invite was not very clear so more than one guest invited to the ceremony only didn’t realize until it dawned on them ON THE DAY at the venue that they actually weren’t invited to the reception too. It was a wedding held at a private wedding venue. The ceremony was in the garden followed by canapés and drinks for about an hour. Then the ceremony only guests were expected to leave while everyone else trailed into the marquee. Soooooo awkward. I would have cried.

#160 purplekitty

Posted 26 March 2019 - 09:01 PM

View PostLou-bags, on 26 March 2019 - 08:55 PM, said:


One was particularly awful as the ceremony invite was not very clear so more than one guest invited to the ceremony only didn’t realize until it dawned on them ON THE DAY at the venue that they actually weren’t invited to the reception too. It was a wedding held at a private wedding venue. The ceremony was in the garden followed by canapés and drinks for about an hour. Then the ceremony only guests were expected to leave while everyone else trailed into the marquee. Soooooo awkward. I would have cried.
That is shocking.
Didn't anyone in heir family tell them they were being twats.

#161 JBH

Posted 26 March 2019 - 09:11 PM

I recently received a ceremony only invitation with a card advising details of the registry...   not someone i’m Particularly close to, so no worries with not being invited, but that certainly seemed a bit rude.

#162 Lou-bags

Posted 26 March 2019 - 09:39 PM

View Postpurplekitty, on 26 March 2019 - 09:01 PM, said:


That is shocking.
Didn't anyone in heir family tell them they were being twats.

It was mainly work people I think so I guess the family might not have known about it. I don’t think the couple really realized how the invites could have been misconstrued until they were.

#163 IShallWearMidnight

Posted 27 March 2019 - 01:23 AM

It wouldn't have bothered me at all.

#164 timtam92

Posted 27 March 2019 - 06:11 AM

i got married 11 years ago and we invited lots of people to the ceremony that we didn't invite to the reception - it was people like my parents work colleagues, some old neighbours etc.  we put on a catered afternoon tea for them, so it was more than just the reception.  we couldn't afford to pay for everyone to come to the reception and i don't think the people we invited would have been expecting an invite anyway.  

This is quite common in christian circles - invite a lot of people to the ceremony and then have a smaller reception - mainly due to cost.  

I say take your daughter along - i went to many weddings as a child and i loved it.  legally anyone can go to a wedding, invited or not (ceremony part).

#165 born.a.girl

Posted 27 March 2019 - 06:21 AM

View Posttimtam92, on 27 March 2019 - 06:11 AM, said:

i got married 11 years ago and we invited lots of people to the ceremony that we didn't invite to the reception - it was people like my parents work colleagues, some old neighbours etc.  we put on a catered afternoon tea for them, so it was more than just the reception.  we couldn't afford to pay for everyone to come to the reception and i don't think the people we invited would have been expecting an invite anyway.  

This is quite common in christian circles - invite a lot of people to the ceremony and then have a smaller reception - mainly due to cost.  

I say take your daughter along - i went to many weddings as a child and i loved it. legally anyone can go to a wedding, invited or not (ceremony part).

Depends a bit on whether it's a public place, like a church or a park.


I certainly wouldn't have wanted uninvited people turning up in my lounge room, which is where we got married with three witnesses and the celebrant.

ETA: Sorry, that sounds a bit blunt, giving such an extreme example, but I should imagine there are situations where space is limited, and/or the space has been specially prepared for them.

I would have gone to a wedding ceremony interstate last weekend if it had been in a church or park.  The later function wasn't huge and I certainly hadn't been expecting an invite, I'm a friend of the mother of decades, not someone relevant much to her.  It was in their garden though so it would have felt very rude to invite myself (or ask if it was o.k.).  It would really have put them on the spot and probably made them feel obliged to ask me to stay.

I've known her all her life though, and would definitely have attended the ceremony if it was possible to do it in isolation, easily.

Edited by born.a.girl, 27 March 2019 - 06:24 AM.


#166 Kiwi Bicycle

Posted 27 March 2019 - 07:07 AM

DH and I were invited to a cermony only wedding of a very good friend. It actually said, due to budget, the reception was limited but we were welcome to join the dance after the reception. Wedding was at 3pm, and after the ceremony we caught up with all our group of friends and we then found out who made the reception cut! It was horrible and we flagged going to the dance at 9pm.

And I have had two uninvited guests come to my destination wedding. MIL invited her two best friends, one who I had never meet before. They never received an invitation but booked airfares and then MIL told me. DH and I funded our wedding ourselves too. In the end I had to suck it up, seated them at the far end of the table and pay for their meals. I am still angry about it today. It was a small wedding of 12 guests too, just family and these ladies weren't part of the plan.

#167 LucyGoose

Posted 27 March 2019 - 07:08 AM

I had a ceremony in a chapel,  I invited 30 close friends and no kids.  Friends of a friend showed up with their two kids aged about 3 and 5 ,  so 4 people.  Not only did I not know the kids or the parents,  they were in my group photos. I was a bit annoyed on the day but didn’t want to create a fuss.  The also wore jeans and thongs which also really bugged me,  when the dress was cocktail.
I know an 11 yr old is different,  but I say no.

#168 born.a.girl

Posted 27 March 2019 - 07:18 AM

View PostLucyGoose, on 27 March 2019 - 07:08 AM, said:

I had a ceremony in a chapel,  I invited 30 close friends and no kids.  Friends of a friend showed up with their two kids aged about 3 and 5 ,  so 4 people.  Not only did I not know the kids or the parents,  they were in my group photos. I was a bit annoyed on the day but didn’t want to create a fuss.  The also wore jeans and thongs which also really bugged me,  when the dress was cocktail.
I know an 11 yr old is different,  but I say no.


I can imagine how such rude people would put you off.  If you're going to turn up to a wedding and hang around in the background, at least wear your better clothes.  Also, desist when someone insists on dragging you into the photos.

I also don't consider a chapel the same sort of public place that a large church, or a park might be, where people can lurk without being too obvious.

Gosh, some people are clueless.

Given all three of those aspects are different here, I think it's hard to make it comparable, but there's nothing like personal experience to make us take a stand on something.

#169 chiars

Posted 27 March 2019 - 08:02 AM

Thanks everyone for so many replies - lots of things to think about.


We are seeing the couple at Easter so my DH is going to ask them then in a very casual way. We know them well enough that I am pretty sure they will be honest if there are any issues.

#170 Soontobegran

Posted 27 March 2019 - 08:27 AM

We went to an Italian wedding where there were 80 invited guests to the church and 250 to the reception.


To be honest I don't give a hoot what people do at their weddings.....there is often more drama from invitees than there is from the couple.

Go...don't go. I have never understood why someone who doesn't particularly like the couple accept their invitation.

#171 Hollycoddle

Posted 27 March 2019 - 09:20 AM

.

Edited by Mollycoddle, 27 March 2019 - 09:41 AM.


#172 Hollycoddle

Posted 27 March 2019 - 09:30 AM

View Posttimtam92, on 27 March 2019 - 06:11 AM, said:

i got married 11 years ago and we invited lots of people to the ceremony that we didn't invite to the reception - it was people like my parents work colleagues, some old neighbours etc.  we put on a catered afternoon tea for them, so it was more than just the reception.  we couldn't afford to pay for everyone to come to the reception and i don't think the people we invited would have been expecting an invite anyway.  

Did you formally invite people to the ceremony or was it a just-turn-up affair?  If it were the former I would have just had the afternoon tea and drinks/snacks for everyone as the reception and be done with it.  My ex-SIL had her wedding at a homestead, all of it was invite only.  She had an afternoon cocktail reception at the venue with drinks and canapes then only close family and friends were invited to her parent's home for a night-time BBQ feast after that.  Those who were invited to the BBQ went straight on from the homestead to the parent's house.  I don't know when they had their photos done, whether it was at the homestead during the reception or whether it was before the wedding itself.

This thread reminds me of my in-laws not being invited to their nephew's wedding because FIL's hoity-toity sister said it was 'close family and friends only'.  They see the funny side now, it's become a bit of an in-joke now whenever a similar situation arises within the extended family.

Edited by Mollycoddle, 27 March 2019 - 09:37 AM.


#173 Hollycoddle

Posted 27 March 2019 - 09:44 AM

Quote

I also don't consider a chapel the same sort of public place that a large church, or a park might be, where people can lurk without being too obvious.

Depends on the type of chapel.  Here in ACT one of our most popular venues calls itself a chapel but it's really just a venue-for-hire for private weddings so technically it's not a public place.  IMO sacrilege for them to use the name 'chapel' but that's another issue altogether.

But yeah that's another reason why you don't turn up without asking first.

Edited by Mollycoddle, 27 March 2019 - 09:44 AM.


#174 ~LemonMyrtle~

Posted 27 March 2019 - 10:45 AM

View PostMollycoddle, on 27 March 2019 - 09:44 AM, said:



Depends on the type of chapel.  Here in ACT one of our most popular venues calls itself a chapel but it's really just a venue-for-hire for private weddings so technically it's not a public place.  IMO sacrilege for them to use the name 'chapel' but that's another issue altogether.

But yeah that's another reason why you don't turn up without asking first.

I got married in a “chapel”. It could easily sit 300, lol. Technically it used to be a church of some sort, but is now a multi denominational “chapel” attached to a public facility.
Some wedding guests were quite shocked because the invite said come to the such-and-such “chapel” and then they arrived to something that’s closer to a cathedral. I only had about 100 guests, the place was 1/4 filled. Oh an there was up stairs seating too I think :lol:

Edited by ~LemonMyrtle~, 27 March 2019 - 10:47 AM.


#175 Sweet.Pea

Posted 27 March 2019 - 12:14 PM

View Postnotsoretro, on 25 March 2019 - 06:19 PM, said:

Reminds me of my wedding where the cathedral is in a mall and we had really cool vintage cars which attracted some attention. I know at least one total random came in, he's in the photos! Bill was his name, as he introduced himself to several invited guests and made himself quite at home

I love this! It's a quirky moment to your special day ;)




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