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Argument with husband wanting to be sole birth support

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#26 Ellie bean

Posted 05 May 2019 - 11:49 PM

View Postbakesgirls, on 05 May 2019 - 11:32 PM, said:

In this situation, I would say no. The father would only be welcome in if the mother wants him there. They are not in a relationship and the woman does not owe the father a prime view of the birth, just notification of the child's birth.

In this situation the OP is talking about, they are together, he is involved and it's clearly affecting their relationship right now because they both have different views on it. I would say they both need to work out what they want to do as a team.
Its not a team situation though, she’s the one giving birth

#27 BECZ

Posted 05 May 2019 - 11:52 PM

OP, it's concerning that you feel you need to have somebody else there for just in case.  I really think you need to look into what you classify as a phobia and see what you can do to help you feel more at ease.

I felt fully confident with my ob. and had just DF with me for the birth of all four of our kids.  I'm close to my mum and one of my sisters, but wouldn't consider having anybody else there.  It's bad enough having to go through that, but having other people there would have been horrible, especially if those people weren't ultra comfortable with each other.

DF stayed with each of our babies at all times and after DS1 was born (c-section) we were seperated for close to 2 hours as by the time they stitched me up and then when they brought my bed in, my ob. didn't want that and insisted a special mattress for me and it took them forever to locate one, but he wasn't going to have it any other way.  When I finally made it to my room, DF was standing in the corner rocking DS who was desperate for a feed by then, but he managed! Along with two nappy changes by then.  No parenting classes, just instinct and your hubby may surprise you.

I know things aren't always handled the best way, but typically you have specialists in the room who know what they are doing and do generally care about you and your baby.

#28 DebbieDoesSanta

Posted 05 May 2019 - 11:53 PM

View PostEllie bean, on 05 May 2019 - 11:49 PM, said:

Its not a team situation though, she’s the one giving birth


Legally she can invite her mum if she wants to, and if the father is a big enough douche to kick up a stink, the midwife could call a security member to escort him out if needed.

#29 bakesgirls

Posted 06 May 2019 - 12:00 AM

I guess I just see it differently DebbieDoesSanta and Ellie bean :)

#30 Ellie bean

Posted 06 May 2019 - 12:04 AM

View Postbakesgirls, on 06 May 2019 - 12:00 AM, said:

I guess I just see it differently DebbieDoesSanta and Ellie bean :)
I agree with your idea of approaching it with him respectfully first. I do get where you’re coming from. I only had my husband with me and I’m lucky that somewhat to my surprise (as I wasn’t sure how he would handle it) he was actually incredible, so 2nd time around I didn’t even need to think about having anyone else. But had I felt unsupported and wanted an additional support person when our second was born, I feel very strongly that would have been my choice alone- I would raise it tactfully but it would be my decision.

#31 MissMilla

Posted 06 May 2019 - 03:49 AM

I had DH and my mum there first birth. Im glad DH was ok with that, because i was extremely anxious  and i wasnt sure how DH would handle it. Luckily DH was nervous too and agreed that it would be good to have additional support with a 'clear head' in case we both get overwhelmed.

DH was actually awesome and my mum wasnt really needed in the end, but i was so much calmer and relaxed knowing shes there. My mum just stayed out of it pretty much and gave us space and when baby was born she left me and DH to it and took over later when i went to take a shower.

Second birth DH was more confident and I knew he would handle it well, but honestly if my mum didnt have to watch DS, i probably would have asked her to be there again just for emotional support.

In any case it should be the womans decision who is there and the husband should support whatever choice she makes. I find it incredibly selfish of your husband to act like this.

Edited by MissMilla, 06 May 2019 - 03:51 AM.

#32 IamtheMumma

Posted 06 May 2019 - 04:38 AM

I'd agree with him. You wish he was your sole support too...but unfortunately he's not, so your sister/mum will be joining you both in the birth suite. If he isn't comfortable with that, he's welcome to stay at home with your first child.

Labour is a mental game as much as it is a physical one. Have people around you who support and empower you.

#33 born.a.girl

Posted 06 May 2019 - 05:23 AM

No, you're not the one being irrational.

My husband would also have been one who readily agreed with any medical suggestions, because of his communication issues. Obviously some interventions are not negotiable, but others are one opinion, not fact.

I didn't even ask him about my sister being there with me, that was for me to choose.  I told him.

If I'd given birth 'naturally', it would have started with a significant amount of intervention and I wanted someone there who'd look at the whole thing objectively and be able to convey succinctly what I wanted.

(Wasn't necessary in the end as a caesar was advised.)

I've no idea how you can get him to see that a support person needs knowledge, something he doesn't possess.

#34 No Drama Please

Posted 06 May 2019 - 06:05 AM

Hi OP, I’m sorry you have a bit of medical anxiety going on and your husband is being difficult to say the least. Rest assured you don’t sound irrational at all, you sound extremely self-aware and clear headed about the situation.

I’m not sure if you would be into this, and it might not be what you want, but if you need an independent medical advocate would a doula be an option? I’m just thinking an independent person who can advocate and support you who isn’t a family member, might be someone to help but take the emotional side of things out.

Best of luck with everything x

#35 YodaTheWrinkledOne

Posted 06 May 2019 - 06:38 AM

View PostEllie bean, on 05 May 2019 - 09:35 PM, said:

I’d be telling him “when you give birth YOU can pick the support, my body my choice.” He’s being a total idiot.

I would stop discussing it with him if he's going to bang on about what he wants. He's not going through labour, so his opinion should never outweigh your preference in this particular situation. Be firm that while he is obviously your preferred support person, you may bring in your sister or mother if necessary (if your DH is sick, unwell, too tired, passed out, not arrived yet, etc) and it's your call to make, not his.

#36 Neats09

Posted 06 May 2019 - 06:54 AM

Yes, he really wants to be there.
Prancer is coming - you really hit some points there. As did amaza.

I have written him an email explaining how his fears are valid and should be heard but also how shocked I am at his attitude and that he hasn’t reflected on how this affects me.

We only just had a minor argument two weeks ago about his lack of communication. He is not practised with it and it comes out methodical and clinical yet I’m emotional.

Yes - I have effectively given him an ultimatum unfortunately, which says he needs to talk to someone about his fears and become knowledgeable about birth before talking to me again or I will have no one in the room.

My mum and sister are very accommodating; my sister a bit of a jokester and can make light of any situation and can really ‘get me’ emotionally. They get along well. My mum is more of a stand back person, and wouldn’t ‘push’ anyone. I hadn’t considered my mum until this misunderstanding.

I do genuinely understand this is our moment together, but I think he sees it from his perspective and not from mine with a medical phobia. He’d said earlier ‘you’ll have the midwife and the trainee in the room’ as if this is all I need and I had to explain they are part of the system. (He is a clinical manager in allied health so part of his head is in the system I struggle with)

I’ll see how he replies, but I feel it’s caused a tension that will eat away at us. (Thus the pro help suggestion) I need him to genuinely understand my point of view.

I’m just not certain that husbands HAVE to be the support person. Their place in the room is certain/solid/unbreakable as the husband and father. Isn’t that enough for one person? When did we move away from the women’s close female village assisting to the husband being the only one in the room? (Apart from medical staff) 😢

#37 TrixieBelden

Posted 06 May 2019 - 07:26 AM

View PostOzquoll, on 05 May 2019 - 11:07 PM, said:

I never understand what all the fuss is about “being there for the birth” - I would have quite liked NOT to be there for the birth myself. I didn’t have anyone (except the midwives) in the room with me, by choice.

Haha yes. In a cupboard on a pile of coats like an animal would have suited me best.

I’d want to understand what he’s worried about but ultimately I think he needs to accept is that you need the right people with you and that includes him but isn’t limited to him.

I did wonder how he’d feel about a doula. ‘Professional’ support like that might seem more acceptable?

#38 GingerbreadWoman

Posted 06 May 2019 - 08:21 AM

The OP said her sister is a midwife though, so I think it is a pretty safe bet that she isn’t going to panic, or be so excited about seeing her first birth that she (unintentionally) pushes the husband away.

OP it sounds like your sister is a really good candidate for a support person for you, and I can understand why you would want her there to advocate for you and support you. I hope your husband will listen to you and that you can work something out that you are both comfortable with, and that means you have the support you need during the birth.

#39 Soontobegran

Posted 06 May 2019 - 08:40 AM

There is absolutely nothing worse than having the baby's father in the delivery room when there is friction with anyone or when he is there because it is an expectation. I have experienced the worst in behaviour that can impact the relationship the new mum has with the baby.

Women manage just fine without them if that is what she prefers.
They manage just fine with the people she chooses to have or in many cases just with her midwife and doctor.

OP he sounds like a sook, a controlling one. If he cared he would care about you being supported by people you know will actually support you.

Having said all this there are more people who have just their partner and not other members of the family as support people and it can be awesome.

#40 Kreme

Posted 06 May 2019 - 08:56 AM

I only had the opportunity to have one person with me as I had 2 caesareans. Mum had always been very clear that she’d attended her own three births and had no desire to see another one! But she was very excited to be present at the hospital, come into the room as soon as she could etc and then come and stay with us when we came home from hospital.

A couple of weeks before the birth DH admitted that he was worried he was going to be pushed aside from caring for his own baby. And that he didn’t want anyone else coming in until we’d had time together as a family of 3. So we worked out a plan that we would call mum to come when we were ready. And she didn’t come to stay until DH went back to work. I know mum was a bit disappointed but it was more important to me that DH felt fully involved than mum did. And he did become a very hands on dad so if that compromise helped then I’m glad I did it.

In your situation OP you gave your DH the chance to be the sole support and clearly he didn’t do the best job of it. He needs to own up to that and make an effort to do better for this birth or else you deserve to have someone there who will support you. I hope you can work something out that will help to ease your fears.

#41 Soontobegran

Posted 06 May 2019 - 09:01 AM

View PostNeats09, on 06 May 2019 - 06:54 AM, said:

When did we move away from the women’s close female village assisting to the husband being the only one in the room? (Apart from medical staff) ������

We moved away because couples demanded it and whilst I concur that partners are not necessary in the delivery suite for some people it has to ultimately be the woman's decision ...... it is still the most common scenario though.

Edited by Soontobegran, 06 May 2019 - 09:02 AM.

#42 Zeppelina

Posted 06 May 2019 - 09:06 AM

Agree with what most PPs have said regarding your DH - he is being thoughtless and self-absorbed, BUT it's probably coming from a genuine place of fear/worry. But if it's so important to him he needs to step up and educate himself, get involved.

OP I would really highly recommend a calmbirthing/hypnobirthing class for you, especially (but also your DH). I had the opposite first birth to you, but with a similar result - fear. It was an extremely precipitous first labour, I had no time to get used to what was going on, everything just happened and then bang I had a baby in my arms. I went into some kind of shock, didn't bond with baby at all (none of those 'love' feelings after birth), and went straight into PND which lasted for months. I was terrified of all of that happening the second time around again, so I did a few hypnobirthing sessions with a friend of mine who runs hb classes (very similar to calmbirth - it's NOT about hypnosis in the traditional sense!) and it made *such* a difference to my mental state. I went into the second birth feeling calm, in control, and confident that I could handle whatever happened.

#43 MsLaurie

Posted 06 May 2019 - 09:39 AM

Is it possible that he is also a little shook up about your first birth and the interventions required, and doesn’t want to deal with both being worried about you & baby plus keeping it together in front of your sister? Even if their relationship is good, he might not want to be emotional or stressed in front of her.

#44 4lilchicks

Posted 06 May 2019 - 10:01 AM

You arent being irrational at all and the way he phrased his objection wouldve really annoyed me. Your sister is a professional midwife, Im pretty sure shes experienced in not pushing partners aside, Id more think she would be great at including him!

#45 MooGuru

Posted 06 May 2019 - 10:18 AM

OP I think the fact he is refusing to engage in learning to support you through this birth says a lot about his commitment to being a better support person this time round and I fully understand why you gave him the ultimatum.
Whether that works or not is a wait and see thing.
DH had some strong views about birthing classes so I told him I was doing it regardless of whether he came or not because I needed as much info as I could get in preparation. He came and got a lot out of it. I also did a breastfeeding class and pregnancy exercise and yoga and a yoga birthing class thing all of which he didn't come to but which I did with a pregnant friend.

I think it is reasonable you book yourself in to a calmbirth course and tell him you're doing it and that you want him to join you but understand you can't force him to attend. If he doesn't attend get your Mum or sister to go to the course with you if you aren't comfortable going on your own.

I think you should do as much as you can so you feel empowered going into labour. If that means courses/classes etc then book in to do them. Invite him but with the expectation he'll refuse. His behaviour and choices shouldn't stop you becoming empowered.

#46 Etta

Posted 06 May 2019 - 10:24 AM

View Postseayork2002, on 05 May 2019 - 10:40 PM, said:

I had my mum and my husband it was my husband's baby not my mum's so if he had an issue she would not have been there.

Mmm - you are missing someone. There is no baby until the birthing process is complete, and as that is the job of the birthing mother it is up to her to choose the right people to facilitate this process.

#47 Squeekums The Elf

Posted 06 May 2019 - 10:49 AM

Your birth, your choice. He can go jump if he don't like it.

I find his request nasty, arrogant and pig headed

#48 steppy

Posted 06 May 2019 - 11:04 AM

I'm in the your body, your choice camp. This attitude would make me far less likely to want him there. I think if you want someone else there as well he should just suck it up.

#49 Lallalla

Posted 06 May 2019 - 11:17 AM

Your body, your choice. End of story. He doesn’t get to decide. If you decided you didn’t want him there at all your medical team would make it happen.

Also does t have to be all or nothing? And you have to make an absolute decision in advance?

#50 RichardParker

Posted 06 May 2019 - 11:20 AM

View PostNeats09, on 06 May 2019 - 06:54 AM, said:

I’m just not certain that husbands HAVE to be the support person. Their place in the room is certain/solid/unbreakable as the husband and father. Isn’t that enough for one person? When did we move away from the women’s close female village assisting to the husband being the only one in the room? (Apart from medical staff)

They definitely don't have to be - it really depends on the kind of person he is and the kind of support team you have around you.  I remember a birth class I went to where the lady said, "Sometime's the man's role is not in with the women, it's outside, guarding the cave and protecting against potential attacks."

Agree that some kind of calm-birth course, or birthing yoga class for the two of you might help - it might bring him around to see the kind of birth you're looking for and help him to understand that his close presence might not be the most helpful.  Or if he is going to be there, that he needs to be playing a support role - not making you anxious about his reaction or feelings.

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