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Argument with husband wanting to be sole birth support


62 replies to this topic

#51 Wonderstruck

Posted 06 May 2019 - 11:27 AM

I had both my mum and hubby when DD was born.

It was a long protracted labour with complications.

Having mum there gave hubby opportunities to have a break and I could send them out for things I wanted when needed and still have someone there.

It was helpful when MIL kept calling and insisting she come when I said No that my mum could stay and help while DH went to talk some sense into her as she was going to come at like 7pm when I'd been at it for almost a day and likely needed surgery.  She is terrible in a crisis and DH an I agreed it was better she not come (and no one was at the hospital besides DH and my mum).

I ended up nearly dying and I was glad DH had support from my mum and a midwife trying to manage DD during such a hard time.

I think while both should have a say, ultimately the person in labour should have final say - they are the one in the vulnerable position and should have either the support or space they need.

#52 JAPNII

Posted 06 May 2019 - 12:54 PM

Op - I'm going to through a slightly different perspective here.

You admit you have a phobia. Are you getting some help with this?

Your DH is coming to the classes although you say he's not engaging. Yet he is going to these so clearly wants to be engaged.

I think the calm birth or similar is a great idea and would highly recommend it.

#53 JomoMum

Posted 06 May 2019 - 02:10 PM

I think his thoughts on the matter are reasonable.

His delivery was terrible.

#54 .Jerry.

Posted 06 May 2019 - 02:35 PM

I was present at the birth of my sister's babies.  Her DH was there too.  Certainly didn't detract from their experience and I was able to help!  Plus take photos.

My DP stayed in waiting room while I had C-section.  My sister was with me for DD's birth.    My call on that one.
Personally I think women are best supports for women in the birthing process.

I wouldn't accept DP wanting to be the only person there in the OP's situation.

#55 SarahBelle48

Posted 06 May 2019 - 03:30 PM

To be honest, I do watch One Born Every Minute and wonder why some women have so many support people. I've seen women with 3 or 4 support people. I only had my husband and I didn't want anyone else there. My mother had zero interest in coming in anyway lol. And with my second, she was looking after my eldest. I can understand your husband's concerns that he will be pushed in the corner and I think that you do need to see it from his side as well. But yes he could've been a lot less blunt about it. Most hospital rooms are not that big either so by the time you have the midwives and maybe an obstetrician, it can get full pretty quickly if you have multiple support people.

#56 Kallie88

Posted 06 May 2019 - 03:34 PM

I had my dh, mum, aunt, and student midwife for all three of my births. It was nice to feel my community around me and didn't detract from it being my and DHs children at all. If DH had tried to say my mum and aunt weren't allowed I would've told him to pull his head in, but that's our relationship and really he appreciated not having to do it all himself, especially the first time when it was all so new.
I hope he takes the email well and can see your POV, honestly it's not that I don't think husbands matter in this respect, it's just realistically they matter second, it's your body and you should do whatever will make you less stressed and most supported through the birth

#57 FearsomeFeralFreak

Posted 06 May 2019 - 03:56 PM

Sorry OP, I think he is being a t*at as well.
You are the focus in this process, you are the one giving birth, not him - he is the support person - and it sounds like he did a pretty poor job of being the support person last time. And its pretty clear you don't buy his excuse of being unwell.
He had his chance, he blew it and he isn't very interested in improving things this time either.
If his concerns are being pushed to the side, I suggest he realigns what his concerns should be - a supportive and safe birth for you. its not about poor diddums not getting the control and the focus he thinks he deserves.

#58 Ferelsmegz

Posted 06 May 2019 - 04:12 PM

Unless he is pushing a baby out of his body then its not up to him.

#59 DebbieDoesSanta

Posted 06 May 2019 - 05:53 PM

View PostSarahBelle48, on 06 May 2019 - 03:30 PM, said:

To be honest, I do watch One Born Every Minute and wonder why some women have so many support people. I've seen women with 3 or 4 support people. I only had my husband and I didn't want anyone else there. My mother had zero interest in coming in anyway lol. And with my second, she was looking after my eldest. I can understand your husband's concerns that he will be pushed in the corner and I think that you do need to see it from his side as well. But yes he could've been a lot less blunt about it. Most hospital rooms are not that big either so by the time you have the midwives and maybe an obstetrician, it can get full pretty quickly if you have multiple support people.

I had my husband, mum and sister for both of mine, and if I had the opportunity I'd allow my two best friends to be there for the birth if I had another. They are both motherless and sisterless, and I'd love to give them the opportunity to share a birth with me. Our hospital only allows for 3 maximum.

I've been there for 2 nephews and my great-niece. That was an absolute honour to be there for my niece along with my mum and my sister. No father - he wasn't a part of her life. The midwife commented on how lovely and supportive the environment was, and how she wished she had a relationship like that with her own mother and sister.

#60 premmie

Posted 23 May 2019 - 03:05 PM

I only had my DH there for all three. There was no question of anyone else attending. He did his job well :). I don't have sisters and my brother is a pediatrician. I actually had concerns he would be on shift when I gave birth. He actually was the 3rd time and was the first to see the baby, being in the building anyway. In a dire emergency I would have asked one of sisters in law or my MIL to be there.

My mum is fantastic in SO many many ways. But given her complications in having two very sick premmie babies is appalling in a hospital or any medical context and would have greatly increased the tension rather than diffusing it. She was looking after my older children the 2nd/3rd time around.

I can understand your husbands feelings particularly if the relationship with in laws is in anyway strained. But I agree with above his delivery is awful.

#61 mumworkingos

Posted 23 May 2019 - 04:16 PM

View PostSoontobegran, on 06 May 2019 - 08:40 AM, said:


OP he sounds like a sook, a controlling one. If he cared he would care about you being supported by people you know will actually support you.


Agree.

Ultimately it is not his decision and he needs to stop whining about how he feels and understand that it is how you feel about it that trumps everything.

#62 Dianalynch

Posted 23 May 2019 - 07:10 PM

He's making it all about him, and needs to be reminded it's not about him. It's about you. Try shushing him next time he mentions it, let him know you're tired and he's taking up way too much time and energy. Your sister will be there, and you hope he will be too. Then put your feet up and watch some tv.

#63 SM3s Fight Song

Posted 23 May 2019 - 07:53 PM

View PostOzquoll, on 05 May 2019 - 11:07 PM, said:

I never understand what all the fuss is about “being there for the birth” - I would have quite liked NOT to be there for the birth myself. I didn’t have anyone (except the midwives) in the room with me, by choice.

I would have loved to be absent.  DH was fine, until baby was born.  Each time I was really sick from medication, trying not to vomit and DH kept trying to make me to hold the baby.  I didn't want to, I was worried I'd vomit on them. I just needed a few minutes space, but he never listened.  Once I was in recovery I was so ready to hold my babies but I couldn't do it in the OR.  3 births and he still couldn't get that.

OP I think your birth.  If this is what you need to be comfortable and to feel less anxious then go for it.  PPs suggestion of talking up worries about the medical side of things and that you want your sister there to support for that sounds like a good angle to me.  Good luck.



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