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Tellling my friend I'm pregnant


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#1 lalalove

Posted 22 May 2019 - 12:31 PM

Hoping for some direction and advice...

I am currently 12 weeks pregnant with #3. It is becoming hard to conceal the pregnancy and will probably need to announce it soon (work, extended family, etc.).

One of my very dear friends has suffered for many years with infertility and failed IVF. Recently they had a successful round of IVF but chose to terminate due to chromosomal abnormalities. This was an incredibly traumatic time for them and a totally unfair outcome given their journey to date.

I offered much emotional support to her, and my heart absolutely broke.... however unexpectedly fell pregnant just after the event.

I want to be as sensitive as possible to her situation when I tell her about my pregnancy. I know it will hurt her and I just can't find the words to say it well.

Any suggestions welcome.

#2 IamOzgirl

Posted 22 May 2019 - 12:39 PM

Hi Lala,

I am your friend in this scenario, i would recommend a text - gives the the opportunity to grieve in their own way and alone. They will be happy for you but it will hurt.

Another friend of mine sent me a beautiful card in the mail - which was amazing. but obviously only works if you have your friends mailing address. it is way more personal than a text. but yes face to face is the hardest for 'us'.

#3 Kallie88

Posted 22 May 2019 - 12:46 PM

Yes, distance can help. I had a friend fall pregnant, when we'd been ttc for about a year and a half, by accident. She told me in person and as much as I wanted to congratulate her properly, I cried. Felt like sh*t for not being more supportive and excited as a first reaction. She's a good friend and understood. But I do agree, space to process will probably make it slightly easier and not add guilt at maybe not being able to adhere to social conventions when put on the spot.

Eta: congratulations btw!

Edited by Kallie88, 22 May 2019 - 12:46 PM.


#4 kadoodle

Posted 22 May 2019 - 12:46 PM

In your situation, I called my girlfriend with an advance warning. We both cried.

#5 *Andi*

Posted 22 May 2019 - 12:56 PM

Definitely privately (eg not a Facebook announcement) but not face-to-face. I really struggled with pregnancy announcements and hiding my feelings.

#6 MoonPie

Posted 22 May 2019 - 01:06 PM

I had to do this, and it was so hard. Obviously it was far harder for her. We chat on and off most days on social media with another friend so that was the medium of choice for me. I sent her a message telling her, that I was sorry and that I knew it was hard for her and I had no expectations from her. She was sad but also genuinely please for me and came to be one of the best supports in my pregnancy.

#7 Mose

Posted 22 May 2019 - 01:11 PM

Way back when, in your friend's shoes, the phrase I most appreciated was

"I am sorry this is difficult for you to hear..."

It gave me the space and acknowledgement that while it was for the individual fantastic news, it was difficult for me to process.

#8 Gonzy

Posted 22 May 2019 - 01:12 PM

Hmmm, I am going to go against the grain - I think face to face is better.

My DH and I took 4 years to conceive our son through IVF, during that time so many babies were born - nieces, nephews, many of my friends had 2 babies in the time we tried for 1.

The friends who told me their news in person were so appreciated, they gave me an opportunity to celebrate their joy with them and in turn also made me feel like they cared enough to not assume my reactions to their news.  If I grieved (which I did), I did it in private and later, and not at the expense of our friendship or their wonderful news, which was of course worthy of celebration.

I understand why people suggest to text but I honestly think that it makes assumptions about the reactions she may have rather than trusting her to react as she needs and you to be able to be sensitive to that.

Congratulations on your exciting news.

#9 ljmcco

Posted 22 May 2019 - 02:36 PM

Text or email.
Don't expect her to have to put on a face for you. And for the love of God, don't tell her that it was an accident.

#10 Drat

Posted 22 May 2019 - 02:41 PM

Text for sure.

It gives her a chance to react to the news without having to put on a brave face in front of you when she will probably just want to cry.

#11 #YKG

Posted 22 May 2019 - 02:48 PM

Being currently on the side of trying for a baby and so many issues, I’d personally prefer a text. Last week my friend invited me over and as soon as I walked in the door she went “Surprise! I’m pregnant” it took every fibre of my being to not crumble over the next two hours. I found out she then had a sook by text to mutual friends that I wasn’t “excited enough” when she told me, being blind sided wasn’t fun.

6 of my friends are pregnant at the moment, every announcement has been like a dagger through the heart.

#12 South Coast

Posted 22 May 2019 - 02:58 PM

Agree a text or email..... then let her come back to you when she is ready...

#13 Lucrezia Borgia

Posted 22 May 2019 - 03:39 PM

i would have appreciated a text - that way i could cry a bit on my own (i hate crying in front of people) and then pull myself together and congratulate properly in person.


#14 Laurie03

Posted 22 May 2019 - 03:49 PM

I have been the friend.  
I would prefer a text so I can write a genuine heartfelt congratulations and still deal with my feelings /have a cry if needed privately.  By the time you see her face to face she will be in a much better position after the news.

#15 Ruf~Feral~es

Posted 22 May 2019 - 03:55 PM

I just wanted to say that it is lovely of you to put your friend's needs before your own, and to acknowledge that the situation that brings joy to you will cause her pain.

#16 YodaTheWrinkledOne

Posted 22 May 2019 - 04:12 PM

Another vote for Team Text.

Gives you the opportunity to frame the message that you want and acknowledge that you realise this will be difficult news for her (& her partner) and that you wanted to give her some space/time to process it before you next see each other.

I'd end the text with a comment along the lines of "I'll call you in a couple of days" so that she knows you don't intend to avoid her etc (which is one of the things that really upset my sister when people told her that they were pregnant - some people avoided her).

#17 Scouter

Posted 22 May 2019 - 04:22 PM

Text. My sister told me via text she was pregnant with no 3, I’d had multiple IVFs by that stage and I was devastated but so relieved I had time to compose myself by the time I spoke with her next.

Another friend told me during phone call about pregnancy, I felt devastated again but still much better than face to face

#18 Sweet.Pea

Posted 22 May 2019 - 04:32 PM

I think regardless of her reaction, just remember that if she is upset, it's because she isn't pregnant, not that you are.

#19 Kallie88

Posted 22 May 2019 - 04:36 PM

View PostSweet.Pea, on 22 May 2019 - 04:32 PM, said:

I think regardless of her reaction, just remember that if she is upset, it's because she isn't pregnant, not that you are.

Worth repeating!

#20 mumworkingos

Posted 22 May 2019 - 05:17 PM

I had to tell a close friend who had lost twins after many miscarriages that I was having twins. I left it as late as I could so I was sure my pregnancy was viable before I told her. It helped that I was living far away at the time but I remember how nervous I was at telling her.

I told her via email and gave her some time to process it. She immediately congratulated me but I know she found it distressing so I did not really talk about it much unless she raised it.

#21 AnythingGoes

Posted 22 May 2019 - 05:38 PM

Another vote for text or email. I also found the face to face or over the phone announcements the hardest.

#22 IamtheMumma

Posted 22 May 2019 - 05:46 PM

View Post#YKG, on 22 May 2019 - 02:48 PM, said:

Being currently on the side of trying for a baby and so many issues, I’d personally prefer a text. Last week my friend invited me over and as soon as I walked in the door she went “Surprise! I’m pregnant” it took every fibre of my being to not crumble over the next two hours. I found out she then had a sook by text to mutual friends that I wasn’t “excited enough” when she told me, being blind sided wasn’t fun.

6 of my friends are pregnant at the moment, every announcement has been like a dagger through the heart.

I'm so sorry your friend has the sensitivity of concrete. That's a d*ck move.

#23 Toddlerandme

Posted 22 May 2019 - 05:46 PM

Another who agrees that privately, and via text or email, would be best. Then she can process in whatever way she needs to before talking to you. You don’t need to word it perfectly.

Thank you for being so considerate of your friends feelings.

#24 Riotproof

Posted 22 May 2019 - 06:04 PM

I agree that some form of writing is best.

View Post#YKG, on 22 May 2019 - 02:48 PM, said:

Being currently on the side of trying for a baby and so many issues, I’d personally prefer a text. Last week my friend invited me over and as soon as I walked in the door she went “Surprise! I’m pregnant” it took every fibre of my being to not crumble over the next two hours. I found out she then had a sook by text to mutual friends that I wasn’t “excited enough” when she told me, being blind sided wasn’t fun.

6 of my friends are pregnant at the moment, every announcement has been like a dagger through the heart.

Not wanting to hijack, but I’m very sorry ykg. That’s such a selfish response from her.

#25 WannabeMasterchef

Posted 22 May 2019 - 06:05 PM

I have a close friend with long term infertility. I found the best way to approach it was to text her first to say I had some important news to tell her and then meet her over coffee and let her know. She worked out what the news was but that way she was sort of prepared.
Its not an easy thing to ever have to do but you sound like you are a very good friend to her.




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