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I’ve become mean?


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#1 newmumandexcited

Posted 24 May 2019 - 07:46 PM

I am introvert in a really social role, with three kids including twins under 4.5. I just feel like I’ve become so much blunter and meaner since having kids and I can’t seem to stop it. I:

Deeply upset a dear friend with an insensitive unthinking comment and deservedly may never regain the relationship

Am struggling to connect to my students this year

Can be snappy with my husband etc

Did anyone find kids made them a total a-hole and how did you overcome it?

Edited by newmumandexcited, 24 May 2019 - 07:47 PM.


#2 Silverstreak

Posted 24 May 2019 - 08:03 PM

Firstly, big hugs and I'm sorry about your friend.

Secondly, to some extent, yes. It's really hard sometimes to find the time for social niceties when you're sleep deprived, stressed and pulled in several directions, plus you have several kids, including young twins. There is less time, less energy, more stress, more demands, less "me" time and trying to parent with a partner who may not see what needs to be done, or parent the same way.

Thirdly, another hug. I hope a dear and longstanding friend would not give up a longterm friendship for an unthinking comment. We are all human.

EFS

Edited by Silverstreak, 24 May 2019 - 08:03 PM.


#3 22Fruitmincepies

Posted 24 May 2019 - 08:04 PM

Tiredness and pain can turn me into a much less nice version of myself, so yes. I’ve learnt to mostly keep it as an internal monologue and say less stuff out loud.

#4 Caribou

Posted 24 May 2019 - 08:05 PM

You sound burnt out.

I used to be like this. I needed time out more than anything. I needed to have ‘me’ time. Counselling helped hugely.

Talk to your husband. If you can get him to understand how you’re feeling that can go a long way to getting him to understand that kids are so, so hard. It’s not like adults who you can talk to maturely or rationally. Kids make you set things a million times and still don’t listen. It’s so hard. You just go into survival mode.

See your GP, get a mental health plan for counselling and see if you can get just time without any kids or DH.

#5 No Drama Please

Posted 24 May 2019 - 08:12 PM

Sleep deprivation. You are probably too exhausted to even look into it right now but it’s completely real and feels like you are a totally different person while it’s happening.

It does get better but don’t suffer through it. See a GP (good one) if you can and hang in there, I hear you, it sucks, but you’ll get through it and be okay x

#6 newmumandexcited

Posted 24 May 2019 - 08:24 PM

Thank you all. My kids sleep through now for the last three months or so but I basically hadnt slept for two years before that. Might it still be sleep deprivation?

#7 ERipley

Posted 24 May 2019 - 08:25 PM

OP, I can absolutely relate to this I have a boy with additional needs and 2 year old twins. I remember becoming that blunt person when my twins were born because I knew I just wouldn’t cope otherwise. There’s a timetable. If everyone isn’t falling in line then there goes the only chance you had to leave the house all day, because then you’re doing naps and feeding and nappies again. Your partner needs to be contributing to survival or he’s a problem, it’s one or the other. People outside the house? Those people have time to have showers and eat food. They need to fall in line because you are at the limit and they’re comparatively just faffing around. I became a machine.

Right now I’m trying to work my way out if this because my girls are old enough to play together and evenings are more predictable now. I see how much my kids need the version of me who had passions and a life of her own. They don’t need this angry, exhausted, bored woman. I’m trying to lose weight to be happy with my appearance and feel good. I’m trying to do yoga to help me relax. I’m trying to get back to the novels I loved instead of brain candy. I’m trying to start a business. I think finding myself again is the first step to becoming a nicer person because I need to be a human again and stop being that machine.

#8 GreenEgg

Posted 24 May 2019 - 08:25 PM

Hi OP, a lot of those behaviours I display when I’m  anxious, tired and stressed out.  Looking back I think I had some kind of pnd or pna, could that be a factor? Have a chat to your GP if you have a good one.  I have heard a psych can help with emotional regulation even as an adult.

#9 blueskies12

Posted 24 May 2019 - 08:36 PM

You do sound burnt out. You have a lot on you plate- no wonder why.

I think you need time carved out for just you.
I'm tired and most of the time the kids are sleeping through the night, but it isn't really them not sleeping through, more that you are juggling so many balls in the air.

Can you take a day off and write a self-care plan down?

#10 maryanneK

Posted 24 May 2019 - 08:37 PM

I find I have far less 'social' energy since having kids. I dont think they have turned me into an a**hole but I wear out all my polite, perky, kind, outgoing, positive and cheerful behaviour at work then on my kids. After that I have nothing much left for partner or friends. I prefer to sit in silence, alone in the evenings. I dont know what the answer is, because I know its just a matter of running out of energy and priorities. I cant fall asleep or throw a tantrum at work. I cant tell the kids to shut up or leave me alone. So DH gets that at the end of the day, and I feell lonely and sad that I dont see my friends much any more but I dont have the energy to go out and see them

#11 Lalala4

Posted 24 May 2019 - 08:41 PM

I was a much nicer person before I had kids. Now I'm much more self protective (as I see it). I think nice me is coming back a little now they're older and more self sufficient.

#12 Lucrezia Borgia

Posted 24 May 2019 - 08:44 PM

am i reading your OP correctly - 3 kids under 4.5 including a set of twins? lady - i salute you, and i’m not being remotely condescending - seriously - respect.

i think you would have some sleep deprivation going on, a lack of me time, a lack of personal space ...makes me feel stabby just thinking about it.

i found toddlers and up to around age 4 or 5 relentless, largely joyless, hard, trying ....all the negatives. they sapped my strength - often my will to live.

it does pass, which is little comfort i know - when you’re going through it. you’re  not an awful person. go to your GP for a check of iron levels, thyroid - other hormone levels.

hope it gets better for you.

Edited by Lucrezia Borgia, 24 May 2019 - 09:13 PM.


#13 Flaxen

Posted 24 May 2019 - 09:12 PM

Im also thinking its catch up ftom sleep deprivation.

I had an awful sleeper, when she finally started sleeping through it was nice for a month or so, then I became totally wiped out for a few months just like newborn stage again, as once my body realised it didn't need to run on empty it wanted more more more!
After 6 months it suddenly clicked back to feeling good again.

#14 RichardParker

Posted 24 May 2019 - 09:15 PM

I am definitely an a*s*hole.  I’d likely be much worse if I had more children which is why I’m not TTC.  

But ERipley is very right. We are not robots. Our kids need us to be ourselves, not unflinching machines who get everything done but cry ourselves to sleep at night.

#15 CallMeFeral

Posted 24 May 2019 - 09:51 PM

Stress and anxiety does this, as does PND/PN anxiety. Basically, your tether becomes shorter. I can't imagine not being stressed with kids that age!

#16 newmumandexcited

Posted 24 May 2019 - 09:52 PM

Thanks again all. My twins were born the month my son turned two and I think I also finally am beginning to look up from the ruins of my life, now the twins are 2.5, and think wtf just happened?! I do agree with the comment about machines - I think twins make you a machine.

I might go to see the gp as suggested!

Edited by newmumandexcited, 24 May 2019 - 09:53 PM.


#17 Mands09

Posted 24 May 2019 - 10:58 PM

For me yes it has. Although I just prefer to think of it as my tolerance for other people’s bullsh*t has considerably lowered.

Take care of yourrself. It sounds like you need a break from the relentless thoughtload and exhausting days.

#18 Ellie bean

Posted 24 May 2019 - 11:21 PM

View PostmaryanneK, on 24 May 2019 - 08:37 PM, said:

I find I have far less 'social' energy since having kids. I dont think they have turned me into an a**hole but I wear out all my polite, perky, kind, outgoing, positive and cheerful behaviour at work then on my kids. After that I have nothing much left for partner or friends. I prefer to sit in silence, alone in the evenings. I dont know what the answer is, because I know its just a matter of running out of energy and priorities. I cant fall asleep or throw a tantrum at work. I cant tell the kids to shut up or leave me alone. So DH gets that at the end of the day, and I feell lonely and sad that I dont see my friends much any more but I dont have the energy to go out and see them
This is me in a nutshell!
Also I’m definitely more protective of my time now, much less tolerant of people I don’t really like that much, I do think that’s a permanent change

#19 Chaotic Pogo

Posted 25 May 2019 - 07:32 AM

It’s taken me a full year to recover from sleep deprivation. I’m still not right but I can smile.

You need time out to yourself no matter how  impossible it sounds. Even if that means dropping the kids at daycare and sleeping or reading a book all day.

(Yes I know you probably never take sick leave)

#20 onetrick

Posted 25 May 2019 - 07:43 AM

I only have one at the moment, but I feel like I'm less tolerant to time wasting especially. Staff meetings after work? Pure torture as there is usually an entire list of things that I could be doing that seek more valuable to me (I dont actually mind meetings that have a point, it's the 'we havent had a meeting in a fortnight so we should have one' things that annoy me).
I'm also a lot more aware of how much time I'm expected to give up outside of work hours now that its not all possible...
So yup. More frustrated/ angry, and definitely feel mean sometimes. I need to figure out the work/ life balance thing sometime soon :-/

#21 Expelliarmus

Posted 25 May 2019 - 09:05 AM

I became a yeller. Then I became a teacher and learnt the calm, icy way to bend children to my will.

Then mine grew up ...

I don’t yell anymore but I became a sarcastic, caustic undertone b**ch.

Some days I connect better with my students than the selfish, arrogant soul suckers I birthed.

I’m not mean anymore, but I’m definitely changed.

#22 Silverstreak

Posted 25 May 2019 - 10:29 AM

Also, get your thyroid checked, mine was ruined after pregnancy and I was very teary and anxious and felt exhausted, no matter how much sleep I had.

#23 Soontobegran

Posted 25 May 2019 - 10:48 AM

Sleep deprivation does it every time, feeling overwhelmed does it, having pain does it. You are human so cut yourself some slack.

I remember those days...no twins but just lots of little people who I loved so much but I looked at them and felt 'WTF have I done ' so many times.

One day I got home from work and my tweens at the time decided to record me and my getting home from work reactions to their mess.
I didn't let them down.

It was an eye opener to me and I did try harder but it also opened up a discussion with them about why I react as I do.

Yours are younger, I doubt that they feel you are mean.....I doubt that you are causing them any grief as long as there are more loving and peaceful moments than mean ones.

Be kind to yourself.

#24 SFmummyto3

Posted 25 May 2019 - 10:50 AM

You sound burnt out, exhausted and overwhelmed.

Whilst I didn't have twins, I did have three little ones four and under and was mostly on my own so I get it!

I agree to go to the gp and have a blood test and levels checked etc.

Do you get a break at all during the week? I don't mean just a half day of kinder but an actual day or two where the kids are in a full day's care? That is what actually saved my sanity a bit. I put them into full daycare for a couple of days per week and it gave me that time to decompress mentally, catchup with washing and chores, catchup with a friend or just do nothing if that's what I wanted. That time for me saved me. So I would suggest to also do that too.

#25 IShallWearMidnight

Posted 25 May 2019 - 04:53 PM

I am far less patient than I used to be. Life is so hectic, I find it hard to keep all the balls in the air.




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