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Does your teen backchat you often and swear?


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#1 anon1071

Posted 26 May 2019 - 09:17 PM

I’ve got a 15 year old son that’s driving me crazy.
In fact he’s at times just awful to be around. He drops swear words in regular conversation (not directed at me) and thinks it’s totally ok.
I don’t speak like that and it drives me crazy that he does.
I can accept the the occasional f bomb that comes out in context but certainly not in regular conversation.
I know year 9 and this age group isn’t the most pleasant adolescent time but it still bothers me.
I don’t know how to handle it or what to do.
I’ve told him that I don’t like it and if he doesn’t stop then he’s getting devices taken off etc.
He doesn’t speak like this to other adults or teachers and at school.
I’m really angry as I’m a single parent and I feel partly to blame for not nipping it in the bud earlier.
I sacrifice so much for my kids and I feel like I’ve had enough. My life revolves around them and everything I choose to do or not do is based on them. I take him to all his activities, work certain shifts so I can get him there and I’m basically over it!
Any words of wisdom would be great!

Edited by anon1071, 26 May 2019 - 09:20 PM.


#2 Meepy

Posted 26 May 2019 - 10:13 PM

Mine is a year younger and we haven't had that experience yet.  I would make sure that you follow through with consequences.  Disconnect the internet if you have to. Most kids appreciate boundaries and respect the person that enforces them.  They may not like it, sometimes misbehaviour can be a bid for connection with you.

#3 **Tiger*Filly**

Posted 26 May 2019 - 10:22 PM

My 16yo son swears but not at anyone,  just in conversation, including occasional 'f**k' or 'f**king', as do my 19 and 22yo daughters.  Surprisingly it doesn't bother me. He swears appropriately. If my 12yo was swearing it would bother me. I guess I feel like my son (he's nearly 17) is nearly grown up so it's ok.

Edited by **Tiger*Filly**, 26 May 2019 - 10:22 PM.


#4 Lucrezia Borgia

Posted 26 May 2019 - 10:25 PM

we have a soon to be 13 - not swearing per se - but attitude and talking back. i think Meepy has good advice - definitely set boundaries. we are their soft place to land sometimes though...i let a bit slide because  i think overall he’s a well intentioned kid.

but - ugh. teens...who needs them.

#5 coolbreeze

Posted 26 May 2019 - 10:41 PM

my 15 year is pretty good most of the time...but tonight not so sure!
Timely post, as I feel a little over it tonight too.
CB

#6 rileys-mum

Posted 26 May 2019 - 10:43 PM

We run a demerit point system - 3 points per week. Resets on Saturday. Hit 3 points and internet is off for the entire weekend.
We have had 2 consecutive weekends of no internet. Has cost me extra data on my phone but at least they know I am serious.

#7 Chchgirl

Posted 26 May 2019 - 10:47 PM

Mine are adults now and wouldn't dare swear at me. They just know i wouldn't put up with it.

I cringe the way my nieces call their mother all kinds of words, including the c word. Our mother would have flattened us if we did that!

My oldeet has a potty mouth around het friends but that's her friends..

#8 BadCat

Posted 26 May 2019 - 10:58 PM

DC1 swears like a trooper and has done for years.

DC2 not so much but drops the odd f bomb.

They swear near me, not at me.  I swear a lot too.

I don't care.  They know when to use it and when not to use it.  A rich vocabulary is a wonderful thing.

Pick your battles really.  I would never battle over language that isn't hurting anyone.  There are bigger fish to fry.  But hey, you do you.  It's your home, you have the battles you wanna have.  Personally I'd rather let it slide and let us all just chill.  :shrug:

#9 anon1071

Posted 26 May 2019 - 11:06 PM

BadCat how old are they?

#10 lizzybirdsworth

Posted 26 May 2019 - 11:14 PM

My ds1 is 17 now but around 15 I think he was I told him that I don’t want him to swear around me, grandparents, any kids etc. if he chooses to swear with friends etc that’s his choice but not around the ones I said or around people he knows dont tolerate swearing.

#11 amdirel

Posted 26 May 2019 - 11:23 PM

No mine don't swear around me. I know my boys swear around their friends though. DD doesn't swear at all. DS1 has started to repeat swear words in conversation to me eg "Fred told Bob to p!ss off today", no f words though.

As for backchat, yeah there's probably the usual amount, or less I would say. They're pretty good kids and I am pretty strict on them. They get pulled up on bad attitude each and every time.

#12 anon1071

Posted 26 May 2019 - 11:26 PM

View Postamdirel, on 26 May 2019 - 11:23 PM, said:

As for backchat, yeah there's probably the usual amount, or less I would say. They're pretty good kids and I am pretty strict on them. They get pulled up on bad attitude each and every time.
How do you pull them up without sounding like you’re constantly nagging them? I’m beginning to feel like most of mine and my older son’s communication is him being rude and me telling him off. It’s so draining.

#13 amdirel

Posted 26 May 2019 - 11:37 PM

View Postanon1071, on 26 May 2019 - 11:26 PM, said:

How do you pull them up without sounding like you’re constantly nagging them? I’m beginning to feel like most of mine and my older son’s communication is him being rude and me telling him off. It’s so draining.

Yes it can be very tedious, but it has seemed to work so far. There's lots of me saying "excuse me???" or "do you want to try that again??" until I get the non-attitude version. Sometimes it takes a few attempts and some rolly eyes on their part, but I always get close to the response I want in the end. I think that's why it (mostly) works, because they know I'm stubborn about it so now they try and rein the attitude in *before* they open their mouths.

#14 Meepy

Posted 26 May 2019 - 11:44 PM

Our school had a short course called tuning into teens, which taught a technique where you use one word reminders e.g. dishwasher instead of getting engaged in arguments about everything. It also talked about listening and not offering solutions straight away, just giving them time to explain before anything else happened. Natural consequences were also used.

#15 daybreaker

Posted 27 May 2019 - 06:52 AM

As you drive him to his activities, could you say to him if you don't start treating me with respect and not using swear words when I ask you not to, I will not drive you to x this weekend?

He's old enough to get himself there although I'm sure it will take twice as long by public transport. After a few times of not complying and having to do this he may make more of an effort to listen to you.

#16 SelceLisbeth

Posted 27 May 2019 - 06:55 AM

I have a lot of issues with my older teen (18) and his attitude. The swearing at 15, as long as it wasnt at me, I'd let slide. I dont swear at people and I dont like them swearing at me. Swearing TO me is different.

To pull up DS, a number of techniques help. First you need to talk when both of you are getting along ok. For example "DS, I get that youre tired/busy/dont want to, but its upsetting me, and a really not ok that you keep giving me such a bad attitude" Mostly kids will just agree and not heed the conversation or tell you why you are wrong, but its an important first step. When it happens after that, I say "remember our conversation about your attitude towards me? This is what I was talking about" So you have given your teen a chance to consider their behaviour before pulling them up on it. More often than not I have found, that pulling my son up on it after the chat meant he was more receptive and apologetic. I would only punish after appropriate warnings and opportunities (like a PP, lots of 'excuse me?'s going on in this house. The punishment for my DS would be relevant. At 15 it would be the cancellation of a social activity with the reasoning "if you cant treat me properly, I am not sending you out into the world to treat others poorly too"

That being said, when a teen is really pushing your buttons, doing you 'nana occasionally can also work to help them see there is a line and they have crossed it.

#17 2bundles

Posted 27 May 2019 - 08:04 AM

View Postrileys-mum, on 26 May 2019 - 10:43 PM, said:

We run a demerit point system - 3 points per week. Resets on Saturday. Hit 3 points and internet is off for the entire weekend.
We have had 2 consecutive weekends of no internet. Has cost me extra data on my phone but at least they know I am serious.
Just change the WiFi password. Then you can use it but they can’t.

#18 Soontobegran

Posted 27 May 2019 - 09:10 AM

Back chat always, swearing to me or around me not so much. They actually swear less than me.... how that happened in our home I have no idea.
They turned into good adult humans, as awful as it feels right now OP sometimes it is a case of ignore as it will get better.
Good luck.

#19 seayork2002

Posted 27 May 2019 - 09:30 AM

My son 12 soon is not swearing but is starting to answer back and being a bid rude sometimes, I think he is slowly starting to realise people act differently as in not everyone is calm/polite etc. but although we are not forcing him to behave we are trying to make him relaise everyone is different and being rude is a choice and we don't 100% act perfectly towards him all the time we try and act within a normal range of attitude.

ah!!! this is not coming out right, I guess we are trying to help act in a way that suits who he is.

People are never going to be perfect, never lose their temper, never have a cross word, never argue but as he is not swearing down does he actually want to swear or is he doing just because others do (example only)

#20 IShallWearMidnight

Posted 27 May 2019 - 09:32 AM

I don't tolerate swearing AT people, but in conversation I don't have an issue. I have a senior class at school and if they slip up I'll repeat their sentence with a different words 'fiddlesticks, it's time for cross country'.

#21 SFmummyto3

Posted 27 May 2019 - 09:44 AM

View Postanon1071, on 26 May 2019 - 11:26 PM, said:


How do you pull them up without sounding like you’re constantly nagging them? I’m beginning to feel like most of mine and my older son’s communication is him being rude and me telling him off. It’s so draining.

Single parent of three teens here, I feel your pain!

As per a pp I just bluntly said we speak respectfully in this house. Do what you want with your friends etc.

If they backchat me I ignore it and don’t respond and then they will say ‘didn’t you hear me?’ To which I say Sorry? If you expect me to listen and respond then you will speak respectfully to me. Etc etc. That seems to have worked.

#22 JAPNII

Posted 27 May 2019 - 10:00 AM

Teens like to swear to show they are mature (as counter intuitive as it sounds) and also to get attention.

Ignore. 'yes dear' works for me. Or 'sorry - can you say that again?'

Or I will say to me 17yo, 'Honey, talking like that makes you sound cheap and nasty' which said 17yo doesn't like.

#23 BadCat

Posted 27 May 2019 - 10:01 AM

View Postanon1071, on 26 May 2019 - 11:06 PM, said:

BadCat how old are they?

They're adults now, but DC1 has been swearing around me since their mid teens.  I have no issue with it.

Look, if it's a big issue for you then by all means treat it like any other misbehaviour and punish the kid.  All I'm saying is that of all the things teenagers can do to press your buttons, swearing is about the most innocuous (if they aren't swearing AT you).

15 is almost adult.  If you really want him to stop swearing around you then I'd appeal to his adult side with talk of respecting your wishes rather than his child side by banning and punishing.  I don't know how the conversation has gone so far, but I'd not be demanding he doesn't do it, I'd be letting him know, in conversational tones, that it makes you uncomfortable and you'd really appreciate it if he could rein it in around you.


Can't help with the backchat.  Mine have never been much for backchat.

Edited by BadCat, 27 May 2019 - 10:02 AM.


#24 seayork2002

Posted 27 May 2019 - 10:05 AM

View PostBadCat, on 27 May 2019 - 10:01 AM, said:

They're adults now, but DC1 has been swearing around me since their mid teens.  I have no issue with it.

Look, if it's a big issue for you then by all means treat it like any other misbehaviour and punish the kid.  All I'm saying is that of all the things teenagers can do to press your buttons, swearing is about the most innocuous (if they aren't swearing AT you).

15 is almost adult.  If you really want him to stop swearing around you then I'd appeal to his adult side with talk of respecting your wishes rather than his child side by banning and punishing.  I don't know how the conversation has gone so far, but I'd not be demanding he doesn't do it, I'd be letting him know, in conversational tones, that it makes you uncomfortable and you'd really appreciate it if he could rein it in around you.


Can't help with the backchat.  Mine have never been much for backchat.

This is what I am trying to say but you are saying it better

For me as a teenager punishing me never worked, and it appears it does not work for DS.

If we explain why we don't like something DS is doing works much better than saying 'right no tv for a week' (example only)

#25 anon1071

Posted 27 May 2019 - 10:13 AM

Thanks for the replies everyone!

The swearing itself if it’s occasional I don’t have a problem with.
It’s just that it’s every second word. His friends even pulled him up on it! They can’t believe how much he swears in from of me.

I just find it disrespectful to be doing it constantly, it’s almost got an aggression to it. As I mentioned earlier, he never swears at me.

It’s not like I can say you’re allowed to swear 5 times a day in front of me and no more!

Parenting is so hard!  When will it get fun?!! Ever??




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