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*Another update* - Wdyt ghosted by SIL?


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#1 ~ Ohana~

Posted 26 May 2019 - 09:46 PM

So for the last 2 weeks I’ve been ghosted by my SIL, absolutely zero clue as to what I’ve done? I didn’t get in touch the first week as the baby has been sick. Sent a msg on Thursday - no response. Sent a msg this afternoon asking if I’d hurt her or done something - no response, but has been on Facebook all evening.

I’d rather not call. DH has said not to bother or let it upset me, but it is (it’s his sister). MIL has been short with me too 😞 MIL and SIL are besties. What do I doooo?

Edited by ~ Ohana~, 09 June 2019 - 11:34 PM.


#2 StoneFoxArrow

Posted 26 May 2019 - 09:56 PM

What's your relationship usually like with SIL (and MIL)?

There isn't really much you can do though about the lack of response. You've asked, you can only really wait, you can't really force a response.

I'd personally try not to worry about it and just wait it out. It may be nothing sinister. But if it keeps going, or gets worse, perhaps your DH might ask what's going on?

#3 FoxinSocks

Posted 26 May 2019 - 09:57 PM

I’m really sorry op - being ghosted is awful. But it is only very very early days.

I was ghosted / given the silent treatment by my sister for a number of years. She has recently started talking to me again, sometimes even friendly-ish, but again no explanation. I Have been so hurt that I don’t think I can let her back in to my life as it was before.

My only advice is to not push it. Give her some space, and see whether it gets better in a few weeks. Then maybe try again.

#4 ~ Ohana~

Posted 26 May 2019 - 10:01 PM

I’d probably describe our relationship as a bit of a power struggle to tell you the honest truth. She dominates the family dynamics, but my husband and I don’t always conform. DH describes her as a drama queen. But most of the time we can see past our differences and get on quite well.
I do have a young family and I work long hrs, so I can give the “cold shoulder” vibe, but I always respond to messages.
I hadn’t actually thought to involve DH, but I also know that he doesn’t care and probably wouldn’t ask on my behalf...

#5 ~ Ohana~

Posted 26 May 2019 - 10:05 PM

I’m happy to give it time and give her space, except SIL, MIL and us all live within a street of each other and I bound to see her soon.

I just feel like I’m really on the outer 😕 wish she would just tell me what I did so I could apologize and we could move on. Sigh, doesn’t help that bub has HFM, tonsillitis and a bacterial infection so I’m super sleep deprived...

#6 can'tstayaway

Posted 26 May 2019 - 10:39 PM

Could you be feeling extra sensitive with the illness, sleep deprivation etc?  

Maybe she’s been busy too?  My kids used to accidentally delete some messages so the sender thought I was ignoring them but I hadn’t seen the message. Life also just gets busy and emails I read and think, ‘I’ll wait to sit down and compose a proper reply’ and then forget.

If you’ll see each other soon enough because you live close, just be friendly when you next meet and if there was something bugging her, it might pass.

#7 ERipley

Posted 26 May 2019 - 10:44 PM

I agree she’s probably just busy. If she has ghosted you she sounds incredibly immature so I wouldn’t worry about that either. You’re tired and taking care of sick people. If she genuinely wants to add to your misery by ghosting you right now then I suggest you keep her at arms length in the future.

#8 Riotproof

Posted 26 May 2019 - 10:48 PM

Does anyone else ever reply in their head, not type it and press send in their mind?

#9 YodaTheWrinkledOne

Posted 26 May 2019 - 10:49 PM

Let it go for now.

If she's truly ghosted you, then she's pretty immature and just playing power games. Ignore it. Who needs that kind of drama in their life anyway?

You're super tired, you've got a sick bub. You have other priorities and playing mind games with your ILs shouldn't be one of them.

#10 can'tstayaway

Posted 26 May 2019 - 11:01 PM

View PostRiotproof, on 26 May 2019 - 10:48 PM, said:

Does anyone else ever reply in their head, not type it and press send in their mind?
Yes!

#11 FEdeRAL

Posted 26 May 2019 - 11:27 PM

Me too! And I apologise as soon as I realise (although this could take a week!!) and explain exactly that way. I manage to keep my friends so far lol

#12 FEdeRAL

Posted 26 May 2019 - 11:39 PM

OP - you said you didn’t get in touch the previous week because you were busy with sick baby etc - do your SIL and MIL expect you to be in contact EVERY week??

High maintenance.

Given that you msg her twice, the second one asking if you caused offense, and still received no response, I doubt it is a case of forgetting to reply.

What is the reason your MIL being short with you? Another mystery? Sounds like they both need to grow up.

I’d try my best to “forget” about them. Not worth the stress especially with your long work hours and a sick baby to deal with. If anything, you should be short with them for not checking in with you!



#13 nasty snaugh

Posted 26 May 2019 - 11:52 PM

View PostRiotproof, on 26 May 2019 - 10:48 PM, said:

Does anyone else ever reply in their head, not type it and press send in their mind?

More often than I care to admit in my real life

#14 CallMeFeral

Posted 27 May 2019 - 12:09 AM

View Post~ Ohana~, on 26 May 2019 - 10:05 PM, said:

I’m happy to give it time and give her space, except SIL, MIL and us all live within a street of each other and I bound to see her soon.

I just feel like I’m really on the outer wish she would just tell me what I did so I could apologize and we could move on. Sigh, doesn’t help that bub has HFM, tonsillitis and a bacterial infection so I’m super sleep deprived...

Two options

1. She's not ghosting you, she's just busy or in crisis and you're not a priority. But if your MIL is being short too maybe it's

2. She's an immature drama queen. In which case, she's not worth your time. She seemingly knows that ghosting you makes you chase her and makes you feel desperate to win her approval again, apologising to her regardless of whether you think you've done anything wrong, and showing her that she is the valuable one and you aren't. The more you do that, you reinforce her dramatic behaviour - it feels good to have someone chase you - and you reinforce your own underlying feeling of unworthiness.
So turn it around. Say "Bye Felicia" and move on. Ignore her, the same way you would a child throwing a tantrum. It will probably still bother you, but pretend it doesn't - fake it till you make it - and learn to soothe yourself rather than seeking her approval to soothe your insecurity. Once deprived of the attention she'll probably be back, probably with more requests that make you feel like sucking up to her and winning her approval. See if you can notice the feeling she creates in you, and how she does it. You'll be less easily manipulated once you see the patterns. Obviously your husband has already figured out how not to be manipulated by it - maybe ask him how he does it - he might have given it more thought and work than you think.

#15 #YKG

Posted 27 May 2019 - 12:12 AM

View PostRiotproof, on 26 May 2019 - 10:48 PM, said:

Does anyone else ever reply in their head, not type it and press send in their mind?

All the time, if I read a msg between walking to meetings, getting in the car, shopping, house work, most life stuff I’ll reply in my head or go “k I’ll reply when I have a second” and either don’t reply, or reply a substantial amount of time later, think weeks.

It’s not intentional but sometimes trying to juggle a few things at once, msgs tend to fall through the cracks.

#16 Silver Girl

Posted 27 May 2019 - 03:32 AM

View Post#YKG, on 27 May 2019 - 12:12 AM, said:



All the time, if I read a msg between walking to meetings, getting in the car, shopping, house work, most life stuff I’ll reply in my head or go “k I’ll reply when I have a second” and either don’t reply, or reply a substantial amount of time later, think weeks.

It’s not intentional but sometimes trying to juggle a few things at once, msgs tend to fall through the cracks.

I do this too. To tackle it, I have a to-do list under Notes in my phone. If I see an important message/email, I quickly jot down, “reply to x’s sms”.

On the weekend when I’m doing my admin, or if I have a moment on the train etc, I sit down and start responding and ticking off the list.

This approach has helped me enormously in combating the stress of an overwhelming thought load, and the guilt of forgetting to get back to people.

OP, I hope you have some resolution soon with your SIL. Being ghosted and overlooked is so hurtful.

#17 MrsLexiK

Posted 27 May 2019 - 06:26 AM

If I received a message on Thursday and then a “what have I done wrong” message on Sunday. I probably wouldn’t have replied because I didn’t have the energy on Sunday to reply nothing and get into it all. I would probably phone you this week when I had some time where kids where not hanging off me whilst I spoke or send you a message where I thought about the words so they didn’t offended you.

#18 Caribou

Posted 27 May 2019 - 06:44 AM

What I’m about to say will sound blunt, but I mean it kindly.

It does seem a bit high maintence. I mean, I ghost my mum every time she texts me more than 2 days apart. I have nothing new to report and frankly just because you live within a distance from each other doesn’t mean you all
Have to be super close.
It sounds like you want a type of relationship they’re not after. They’re happy to have you as a DIL& SIL, but what MIL and her daughter do, doesn’t need to include you as well, they can be besties and they don’t have to include you in their besties group. It would be nice sure, but there’s no law saying it’s required.

It’s best if you make plans and life with them just being the occasional meet up. Life is too short to fret over trying to be buddy buddy with them. Feel hurt sure, I would too, but I’d also just focus my energy on what makes me happy.

I hope you can get past the hurt you feel they’ve caused, and possibly accept that the type of MIL and SIL relationship you hoped for is probably not going to come to fruition, and that’s ok.

#19 FeralZombieMum

Posted 27 May 2019 - 07:17 AM

View PostCallMeFeral, on 27 May 2019 - 12:09 AM, said:


2. She's an immature drama queen. In which case, she's not worth your time. She seemingly knows that ghosting you makes you chase her and makes you feel desperate to win her approval again, apologising to her regardless of whether you think you've done anything wrong, and showing her that she is the valuable one and you aren't. The more you do that, you reinforce her dramatic behaviour - it feels good to have someone chase you - and you reinforce your own underlying feeling of unworthiness.

So very much this.

The best course of action for a drama queen, is to ignore them. They tend to be "victims" in every thing. So in this case, she's probably out complaining to everyone that you exposed her to the illnesses your baby has. It will be all about her, and getting the attention, and being a victim. She and your MIL haven't bothered to check in, so they sound pretty selfish, and not worth your mental space.

It could also be your DH has said something that has upset them. I know my DH relayed incorrect information to my MIL a few times. He twisted what I had said, and my MIL became very distant. In the early years I tried to make an effort with MIL and SIL. If we'd made plans with MIL, she often changed them to fit in around SIL - who saw MIL almost everyday at one stage.

When I woke up to the fact I'll never have the relationship with them that I wanted, I backed off. We see MIL maybe 6 times a year, and I am ok with that.

#20 Lifesgood

Posted 27 May 2019 - 08:07 AM

View PostRiotproof, on 26 May 2019 - 10:48 PM, said:

Does anyone else ever reply in their head, not type it and press send in their mind?
I had just done that when I read your post.

#21 Kiwi Bicycle

Posted 27 May 2019 - 08:08 AM

Is there a difference of views that for some reason has been highlighted or made worse later? I must admit the anti gay relgion thing has reminded me about my SILs beliefs and what she is teaching my niece and nephew. I am feeling really angry about it, but to stop me saying something I shouldn't I have pulled back contact over the last couple of months.

#22 Hands Up

Posted 27 May 2019 - 08:12 AM

I would back away slowly. The fact you felt the need to send a “what have I done” text suggests it’s not a healthy dynamic. You will never be truly “in” with people like that. Rely on your own family and friends and be distant but friendly. It’s ridiculous you are second guessing yourself with a seriously ill baby. They should be offering to help!

#23 Mollyksy

Posted 27 May 2019 - 08:21 AM

I can feel your hurt OP. But PP gave given excellent advice. Take a step back, concentrate on your little family and let MIL and SIL get on with it. You dont need to join the drama. Between your sick bub and long work hours, you don't need this ridiculous high school cr@p. Look I know it's easier said than done but you might want to look into counselling to give you the tools to deal with them.

Me, with long hours and a baby that sick, I'd be the one annoyed (whether rightly or wrongly!) with MIL and SIL for not at least checking in to see how bub is but ideally bl00dy helping out!

You sound very lovely but stop turning yourself inside out for people who don't appreciate it or you. Instead, turn that effort, time, bandwidth and emotion to your immediate family, bub and DH.

#24 Kreme

Posted 27 May 2019 - 08:40 AM

I’ve got a tricky SIL. My brother turns himself inside out to keep her happy and for a while the two of them were expecting DH and I to do the same. I just made it clear that I could live quite happily without her approval. And since then our relationship has been much better. Not living in each others’ pockets is key for us.

Just take a break and focus on your own needs. You’ve asked and she’s ignoring you. If you fuss around her it will only encourage the childish behaviour.

#25 ImperatorFuriosa

Posted 27 May 2019 - 09:00 AM

I would just let it go. She isn't your sister to worry about. My SIL was great at ghosting me for the first few years of my relationship with DH. Eventually I just stopped communicating with her whatsoever. Now a decade later I just don't bother msg her at all. She's just not worth my time.




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