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Help! Separating from husband with 2 young children


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#26 Mollyksy

Posted 08 June 2019 - 03:49 PM

My dr said if the referral is to a particular business name then you can see any of the psychs there but you couldnt go to a different psych so I second the advice to ring around and make an appointment. Tell them you have a mental health plan referral (a white lie, you will by the time you get there!). All the best.

Edited to English!

Edited by Mollyksy, 08 June 2019 - 03:49 PM.


#27 CallMeFeral

Posted 09 June 2019 - 12:19 AM

View PostMollyksy, on 08 June 2019 - 03:49 PM, said:

My dr said if the referral is to a particular business name then you can see any of the psychs there but you couldnt go to a different psych so I second the advice to ring around and make an appointment. Tell them you have a mental health plan referral (a white lie, you will by the time you get there!). All the best.

According to this you can see anyone
https://groups.psych...ss-Services.pdf
But it's an area of general confusion so probably best to get referred where you want. Definitely seeing a different psych within the same practice is common practice without changing referral.

You don't need to lie to them, you are able to see a psychologist without a referral anyway, the mental health care plan just allows you to access a rebate for a portion of the fee.

#28 StoneFoxArrow

Posted 09 June 2019 - 08:44 AM

View PostCallMeFeral, on 09 June 2019 - 12:19 AM, said:



According to this you can see anyone
https://groups.psych...ss-Services.pdf
But it's an area of general confusion so probably best to get referred where you want. Definitely seeing a different psych within the same practice is common practice without changing referral.

You don't need to lie to them, you are able to see a psychologist without a referral anyway, the mental health care plan just allows you to access a rebate for a portion of the fee.

Yes, you can definitely see anyone on a referral (I've done it multiple times), you just need to make sure you have your mental health care plan to take to each new one (if you change/see someone different).

#29 newmumandexcited

Posted 09 June 2019 - 08:27 PM

This came up elsewhere but I’d really try to seek help - I had three under 2.5 and somewhere along the way we said we can’t get divorced until they are four or something. Then we could reassess.

My twins are 2.5 and it’s hard but you do need to give this more time potentially - it’s such a hard time of life. I’ve found it to have improved with time and a holiday.

#30 LouLou86

Posted 10 June 2019 - 01:47 PM

Thanks again for all of your replies. Such a horrible headspace to be in. Husband says he needs to work out where his head is. Yesterday I said can we please sit down and talk tomorrow, it basically ended in tears as he said don’t keep pushing it or I won’t like what I hear. I ended up sobbing in the other room and he came out to at least hug me and listen to everything I had to say. Today when asked what we were doing I said I was happy to give him space or whatever and he said no we can still ‘hang out’ so we went for a walk to the park. (Things of course weren’t normal). I know I just need to give him space, I feel like he has a lot of anger at the moment with how things are. Yes I have been really disconnected, going to bed as soon as the kids are asleep, taking the chance to catch up on other things when he is home playing with the kids, always finding an excuse to can date night as I can’t fathom having a drink then being up every 2 hrs with the baby. But I know he should have brought some of thisbup beforehand (believes he did but I wouldn’t listen, and then just gave up). I know marriages are never easy and if he doesn’t think it’s/me are worth fighting for then what can I do!?
I want to give him space but at the same time am afraid that a bit of space will make him see it’s just the kids he’ll miss :( I get the feeling he still loves and cares about me but that’s all that is holding him back from moving out and on, not wanting to hurt me.
So hard navigating the unknown.

#31 blueskies12

Posted 10 June 2019 - 07:38 PM

LouLou86, I think what stands out in your post is that your DH hugged you when you were upset and also you both went to the park. That doesn't sound a relationship completely folding, but I am by no means an expert.

I think what it shows is that you are both absolutely exhausted and have had zero time to invest in yourselves let alone your relationship.

The fact that you are going to bed as soon as the kids go to bed means you don't even have time for yourself...so no wonder you can't give anything to your husband.

I think you are being too hard on yourself in your post. I think you are smart to go to bed when the kids go to sleep to try and get as much sleep as possible. Also, I know I catch up on jobs when my husband plays with the kids....when else can we get it all done? In terms of date nights...how hard is it to try and get dressed up, lipstick on etc for a 'night out' knowing that you have a whole shift ahead?? Don't beat yourself up. You have been doing a terrific job to stay afloat mentally.

I would suggest getting help for your baby's sleep....only when you are both getting sleep can you tackle the rest.

Big hugs.

#32 newmumandexcited

Posted 10 June 2019 - 09:06 PM

Something I realised in deciding to stick it out together is I realised I just needed something to change and I couldn’t get rid of he kids. That my life was untenable so the only thing I could do was take out the husband.

Realising that it was just the hope that it would be different made me realise it wasn’t the relationship as such, and that breaking up would not actually solve anything quite like, well time passing and them not being tiny babies.

Edited by newmumandexcited, 10 June 2019 - 09:07 PM.


#33 justbreath

Posted 10 June 2019 - 09:30 PM

I feel like you are living my life (or I’m living yours, it sucks both ways) :(

I’m holding out hope for both of us. I’m so sorry you are here too x

#34 LouLou86

Posted 10 June 2019 - 09:31 PM

I just tried to speak to him again but I feel like he has so much anger inside. He said we’ve been saying for ages wait until the kids are older etc but he’s been unhappy for awhile. Last week when he said he was considering leaving in all my tears I said I’m going to be alone with the kids in a sh*tty apartment and my daughter won’t be able to go to preschool etc - he thinks the only thing I care about is what my life will look like (money) though I’ve told him he is my best friend and my rock. He knows I’m not one to care about money.
I just don’t see how we’re going to come back from this. How I’m meant to give him space. I can see it in his eyes he just ‘doesn’t want to hurt me’

#35 Pocket...

Posted 10 June 2019 - 10:08 PM

I think he hasn't realised you've been in survival mode for a long time. He's thinking "I feel like like she's putting me last and that makes me not happy" and you're thinking "kids, kids, house, dh, kids, eat, sleep, health, aaaaaaggggghhhhhh!"

I also think he's been really unfair to bring this up and then tell you he needs time, but you can't ask or talk about anything or plan for what he's saying may be a future without him.

I think having counselling for yourself is a really positive thing to do. Time to look after you and work out what you want to do. I sought counselling and it really helped me and my relationship. Not in that it helped me work out a way to make dp happy with what I needed to say to him and ask of him, but it help me be ok with the idea that it's ok to say my piece even if it makes someone else angry or sad or guilty. It made me ok with not just trying to please others. It's been the most valuable thing I've learnt in my life.

He shouldn't get to have all the say and expect you to toe the line and just wait.

I'm sorry you're going through this. It's a horrible place to be in.

#36 YodaTheWrinkledOne

Posted 10 June 2019 - 10:12 PM

View PostRichardParker, on 05 June 2019 - 10:34 AM, said:

Two kids under three is probably the hardest time in any marriage.  If there's still love there and no fundamental issues like abuse then I'd try and stick it out and work on it - it sounds like you want to.  You can always get some therapy just for yourself - often individual therapy is the best form of couples therapy.
agree with this.

DH and I were in a bad place when the kids were young (DD1 was 3, DD2 was 1). The words separation and divorce were starting to be tossed into arguments, that kind of thing.  I was spiralling in my negativity and taking it out on DH, although I didn't see it like that. Upon saying that, DH was also acting like a d*ck and didn't recognise that either.

DH wasn't interested in counselling but I had a few sessions myself. It was really helpful in re-setting my thoughts about things, and helping me to change tack with some of my communication strategies with DH.

I also ended up writing DH a long letter about how I felt - my frustrations with myself, my frustrations with him, my insecurities (my body was pretty ****ed up after 2, I was still coming to terms with that). I wrote down what I wanted from him as my partner and as the father of my children (2 different roles), and also what I would do/provide for him as well (as his partner and the mother of his children). I also wrote about my future expectations for where we might be in 3-5 years, and how we weren't tracking like I had expected, how having kids put way more pressure on his than I thought possible and how scared I was. I was open about how sh*t our relationship currently was, as we were both exhausted, sleep-deprived and were taking it out on each other.

The letter gave DH time to process his reaction in his own time.

A couple of years later, we were in a much better position and could see that our relationship was getting back on track.

That approach isn't going to work for everyone.

It very much depends on how invested you both in in the relationship and if either of you has already checked out.

View PostRichardParker, on 05 June 2019 - 10:34 AM, said:

Is there any way you can leave the kids with someone and spend a night or weekend away together?  The hard slog with kids can be so draining.
Honestly, a single weekend away would have done jack-sh*t to help my marriage at that time. We should have gone back to the same sh*t, different day routine. It was the daily routine and how we communicated with each other that needed to change.

#37 YodaTheWrinkledOne

Posted 10 June 2019 - 10:22 PM

It sounds like you have had a couple of very intense conversations in the past couple of days. You both need time to process what's been said and how that makes you feel, figure out where you want to go from here (individually, as a couple, as a family - in that order).

Relationships are give and take. How you did this pre-kids will be different to how you do that after children (and after each new baby comes into the family).  The give-take balance changes over time, but it's often more dramatic when kids come on the scene. You have to re-negotiate your expectations within yourself, as well as with your partner.

#38 CallMeFeral

Posted 10 June 2019 - 10:59 PM

View PostLouLou86, on 10 June 2019 - 09:31 PM, said:

I just tried to speak to him again but I feel like he has so much anger inside. He said we’ve been saying for ages wait until the kids are older etc but he’s been unhappy for awhile. Last week when he said he was considering leaving in all my tears I said I’m going to be alone with the kids in a sh*tty apartment and my daughter won’t be able to go to preschool etc - he thinks the only thing I care about is what my life will look like (money) though I’ve told him he is my best friend and my rock.

What struck me about this is
1. Anger is usually a surface emotion, that covers up something else - a hurt, or a need. What do you think the need is underneath? Or if you know, do you think he does? Lots of times people only feel the anger and don't themselves know what the need is that they are really hurting about. And anger asks to be directed at someone else.
Sometimes (if you can bear to, it takes a lot of patience), getting curious about this need allows a person to themselves get in touch with what need they have that is not being fulfilled. If you can find a way to reflect back the feelings he is having rather than the content (which is presumably angry) it might let him blow off enough steam to get to the underlying hurt. Sorry this sounds really abstract but there is a book called Non Violent Communication by Rosenberg that is all about this, and your comment made me think of it. You probably aren't in the brain space to try different communication techniques right now, but should you ever want to I recommend you check it out. I just feel like maybe if he got to the hurt underneath whatever is happening for him, he might find himself in a position to take more ownership of it himself.

2) You're allowed to worry about what your life will look like. You're in survival mode - originally from having little children, and now your financial security is being threatened. That's not small. As parents, providing for our kids is everything, and it's terrifying to think we might not be able to offer them the quality of life we want to. That's not selfish, it's parenting. Don't let him make you feel like that's you being selfish. Thinking of your basic needs and those of your kids is what you should be doing right now. Don't let him guilt you about it.

#39 Ellie bean

Posted 10 June 2019 - 11:17 PM

Where’s your space? When you can’t even get space to get enough sleep? DH briefly tried on the “you don’t give me any attention “ when we had 2 infants and **** it made me angry. What helped us was Dh staying home and looking after the children alone and realising how ****ing exhausting it was. Is there any way he can take a week off work, you go away for a week alone to a hotel (do NO prep for him at all) and he might start to get a clue as to why you have been disconnected.
Sorry I realise none of that is very helpful, the same old story from men just makes me so cross xx
Eta He can think of it as prep for what every second week will be like when you’re separated if he’s thinking 50/50 care. Bet you a million bucks he won’t like it.

Edited by Ellie bean, 10 June 2019 - 11:19 PM.


#40 Lady Sybil Vimes

Posted 11 June 2019 - 12:25 AM

View PostLouLou86, on 10 June 2019 - 01:47 PM, said:

Thanks again for all of your replies. Such a horrible headspace to be in. Husband says he needs to work out where his head is. Yesterday I said can we please sit down and talk tomorrow, it basically ended in tears as he said don’t keep pushing it or I won’t like what I hear. I ended up sobbing in the other room and he came out to at least hug me and listen to everything I had to say. Yes I have been really disconnected, going to bed as soon as the kids are asleep, taking the chance to catch up on other things when he is home playing with the kids, always finding an excuse to can date night as I can’t fathom having a drink then being up every 2 hrs with the baby.

This is all completely normal, nothing wrong with any of it. Of course you go to bed when the kids are asleep and you don’t want to stay up drinking when you’ve got another night of broken asleep in front of you. Of course you catch up on stuff when he’s playing with the kids. Why wouldn’t you? Does he need an audience?

He doesn’t seem very empathetic to how tough it for you either. He sounds like he’s either jealous that he’s not getting your attention the way he used to or just doesn’t get the reality of parenting young kids.

You’re placing too much blame on yourself.

Edited by Lady Sybil Vimes, 11 June 2019 - 09:38 PM.


#41 LouLou86

Posted 13 June 2019 - 11:14 AM

I really appreciate everyone taking the time to respond and share your experiences, I have found it helpful to read through them hence I thought I would post an update.
Saw the GP on Monday and for referral to a psyc. Managed to get last minute appointment yesterday and husband came home but early to cover with the kids. He asked me how it went after and I of course started crying again. He is happy I am going, to work on my personal things. I asked him what ‘space’ looks like and to let me know exactly what he does/doesn’t want (psyc advised).
He said he is not sure as yes he wanted to go for a walk but then on walk he kept thinking of the times we’d been for walks together and he’d just be enjoying the walk and I’d get annoyed as he wouldn’t be talking/chatting with me and think he doesn’t want to spend the time with me etc. I suggested let’s put a time on it ie 6 months. He said he wouldn’t still be under the same roof if he didn’t want to try but isn’t sure what that looks like and isn’t into forced things (which I know).
I know he still loves and cares about me so much but I can see that spark gone and I feel like he has a huge wall which needs to come down as he is viewing the last 2 yrs as completely bad. Yes I haven’t been great to live with and taken things out on him, but he’s always been my rock and I am working through the reasons I’ve been like that (lots of baggage...). I feel like he just has all of these not great memories clogging his vision. I am hoping, my only chance will be if we work slowly at it and down the track he can come to a session just to help leave the past in the last and just learn from it and move forward.
Has anyone else had their husband come back from saying I love you (which I know he does or getting up to the kids to let me sleep in this morning after baby had a horrendous night) but I’m not in love with you?

#42 Lady Sybil Vimes

Posted 13 June 2019 - 05:24 PM

It’s good you’re getting individual therapy for support. Is he taking any responsibility for his part in the relationship breaking down? It sounds like the focus is all on you and what you have or haven’t done. That doesn’t sound very realistic to me.

I wish you all the best.

#43 Ruf~Feral~es

Posted 13 June 2019 - 06:33 PM

Quote

Has anyone else had their husband come back from saying I love you (which I know he does or getting up to the kids to let me sleep in this morning after baby had a horrendous night) but I’m not in love with you?


Yes, definitely.  I have never said it out loud to DH, but I have felt that I am not in love with him at times.  And he as said as much to me on occasion.  We have had some difficult times - the worst of which was when our kids were young.

We have been happily married for 21 years, and now have two teenagers, 16 months apart.  As someone said previously, the main reason we are still together is that we have not wanted to leave each other AT THE SAME TIME.

it has not been easy, but it's been worth it.  It does sound that you and your DH are floundering, but neither are sure of what to do.  That is not a bad thing - keep working on yourself, and if he will come around to counseling, give it a go.

And be kind to yourself.  You really sound like you are taking on the brunt of the blame  - you are both married, you are both parents - it's not all your fault.

And you can both come through this.  It really sounds like he loves you under all the other stuff.  That can come back to the surface when you can find a way to clear the way.

#44 opethmum

Posted 13 June 2019 - 08:46 PM

I think he is avoiding responsibility and sometimes people use the space as to avoid taking responsibility. I would also keep seeing your counselor and work out your options and see where you truly lie and prepare for the worst. If something is not ringing true about him or he is starting to behave differently then something is up and I would investigate your instincts.

I know that some friends painful experience their spouse saying the I need some space to start an affair and test the relationship with the affair partner and keeping their options open and seeing whether the affair turns into something more and better than their spouse. I am not saying he is doing this but this is a common tactic to keep the spouse from asking too many questions and guilt them for any behavioral changes and to ignore their gut instincts until it is too late.

I would stop all sexual contact until he is ready to recommit to the relationship, letting him to continue to need his space whilst giving him physical intimacy is just having his cake an eating it too, he needs to be fully committed to you and the family he helped create before he even gets one iota of a kiss. He needs to go without, I know you have needs but that is easy taken care of yourself. I would ask him to sleep on the couch until he is committed one way. If he says it is unfair then tough tittles he wants space he gets it. If some one had the hide of telling me that they loved me but not in love with me then that ship sails, it can dock again but with some serious work or it can sail off for good.

He needs some serious perspective and understanding of what you go through, perhaps you need some space too and going out for some evenings whenever you like maybe in order, let him do the bed time routine, let him shush the baby, let him feel what the day is like. This weekend get up and get ready, feed kids breakfast and just go out without them go read a book in the park, have a sleep in the car/train, have some you time and don't return until you're truly ready, then get up again on Sunday, get ready and go out again and do whatever suits your fancy, you're technically giving him space, that is what he is asking for. See if that tiny dose of reality works,

Do it, you can. Use this opportunity to grow yourself, get to know yourself again.

You can do it. You are not alone.

#45 Freddie'sMum

Posted 13 June 2019 - 09:03 PM

Oh OP - I can hear your distress in your posts :(

The absolutely worst times in our marriage was when the girls were baby / toddler and when we have had money worries (no job, lots of bills).  You are really in the trenches now with two infants.  I second what a PP has suggested and ask him to stay home for at least one week (e.g. Saturday 1st to Sunday 8th) on his own and look after the kids.

You go to a hotel / friend for the week and just have a proper break.  I did this when our girls were 2 and 4.  I went to visit family in NZ and DH had to do everything for the kids at home. It was such an eye opener for him and made him appreciate me more.

Best wishes OP.

#46 YodaTheWrinkledOne

Posted 13 June 2019 - 09:42 PM

I also think you need to give yourself some space too. You have both had a bit of cry, you're both trying to figure which way is up. I would not talk about your relationship specifically for a few weeks and focus on yourself for a while.

#47 LouLou86

Posted 27 June 2019 - 09:22 PM

Just an update, husband is still ‘int the house’ and ‘wouldnt Be here if he wasn’t trying’. We haven’t really had too many in depth conversations about what trying looks like or things like that. I have been trying to give him space from that as he’s aired what he thinks, ive said I’m sorry and what we cn work on and I’m seeing a counsellor. I’m teying just to work on myself and being happy - I think he was right to bring everything to a head and I haven’t been happy as I’ve been sooo exhausted and perhaps even something to do with my changing identity, but I have been shutting down/escaping a bit and I think also taking out resentment on my husband. So I do genuinely feel happier about some things and am realise now I shouldn’t be sweating the small stuff.
It is hard though. Husband obviously still has a wall up although he doesn’t seem to have As much anger. I find I get so anxious during the day with everything going around my head and analysing everything he has said/done. Lots of things I’ve been doing/saying he says he feels like they’re fake/forced changes...
We had to go away to his parents for a night over the weekend and he said it was ‘good’ but it was just a glimpse and we’ve still got 2 bad years to make up for. He seriously has blacked out anything good the last 2yrs. But anyway I felt he was at his happiest so far when we arrived home...now back in the day to day routine and stress.
I’ve realised it’s going to be a long road ahead. I still very. I hope think he could turn around and say he doesn’t love me like that anymore. I also think communicating is our biggest challenge as he is hard to open up.
We’re booked in for Tresillian next week which I am largely looking forward to so we can have some space from each other!




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