Jump to content

Monster in law


  • Please log in to reply
18 replies to this topic

#1 moineau

Posted 21 June 2019 - 10:08 AM

Struggletown today.

My DH and I are arguing.. Over his mother.. again...

She and I used to get along.. There was posts on facebook and messages about how I was a 'ray of sunshine into their lives' and 'A part of their family'

Then one day... she posted on Facebook slamming how I parent my DD and Step daughter - Words to the effect of: For far too long I have stood idly by and watched you bully, berate, belittle and b**ch at the kids.. etc...

By bully and berate she specifically means not allowing my SD a hot chocolate or Milkshake because she SPAT in her swimming teachers face. (Yes, literally) She was 6 at the time, so 100% old enough to know better and it wasn't a playful 'spitting water out of the mouth while swimming' thing. Her teacher pulled her up on pushing and gave her a missed turn.. So SD spat in her face and told her she was mean.

Since then, it obviously hasn't been the same, I didn't talk to her at all for months and now.. I tolerate her for my DH.

She also constantly messages his ex, send my step daughter presents to her mums house so she doesn't have to get something for my DD as well. (My DD is mine from my previous marriage, however, DH and I have been together since she was 2, and she doesn't know any other Nanny.. It actually really messes with my DD, she has asked multiple times why Nanny doesn't love her as much)

This current argument is because my SIL has had a baby - and the MIL messaged my DH, and his ex announcing the birth...

my DH is defending the action by saying that she probably just figured that he would tell his 'family' - Sure... But if that is the case, it would be his responsibility to tell his DD right?

The MIL also messages us both with updates about her laundry - So clearly, there is no 'oh he will just tell her' mentality going on.

We also waited to tell my DD about her new cousin so we could tell them both together.. Then.. She already knew. AND my DH KNEW THAT SHE KNEW. He KNEW that his mum had messaged his ex already.

WHY MAKE DD WAIT THEN!?

So.. I am cranky. I HATE having his family name, when I'm not actually treated as part of the family. I HATE that no one ever says anything to her and it's my DD and I that are left feeling hurt and unwanted.

I told that to my DH and his solution is that he can just stop treating me like his wife if I'm going to 'carry on'

FAMILIES! GAH.

#2 Tokra

Posted 21 June 2019 - 10:26 AM

That is horrible :no2:

#3 lozoodle

Posted 21 June 2019 - 10:30 AM

Oh gosh that does sound horrible, I'm sorry OP :(

#4 Octopodes

Posted 21 June 2019 - 10:34 AM

Sounds like you also have a husband problem...

#5 skicat

Posted 21 June 2019 - 10:34 AM

Your husband is the person to speak to his mother about these issues. Some couples counselling first ,as I don't think he will listen to you.

#6 gracie1978

Posted 21 June 2019 - 10:35 AM

She sounds deranged.

I'm so sorry OP.  Everytime my in laws do something frustrating I just go into my head and daydream about putting them in a nursing home one day.

#7 moineau

Posted 21 June 2019 - 10:52 AM

View PostOctopodes, on 21 June 2019 - 10:34 AM, said:

Sounds like you also have a husband problem...

He is great 90% of the time, but he really struggles speaking to anyone if it might end in conflict (except me)

They don't treat him overly well either, but he is so chilled - He just leaves it all be..

View Postgracie1978, on 21 June 2019 - 10:35 AM, said:

She sounds deranged.

I'm so sorry OP.  Everytime my in laws do something frustrating I just go into my head and daydream about putting them in a nursing home one day.

Perhaps I should try this... although, the sisters would take care of all of that.

#8 rainne

Posted 21 June 2019 - 11:00 AM

View Postmoineau, on 21 June 2019 - 10:08 AM, said:

I HATE having his family name, when I'm not actually treated as part of the family. I HATE that no one ever says anything to her and it's my DD and I that are left feeling hurt and unwanted.

I told that to my DH and his solution is that he can just stop treating me like his wife if I'm going to 'carry on'

FAMILIES! GAH.

Um. What?

#9 Apageintime

Posted 21 June 2019 - 11:00 AM

I think your husband really needs to go into bat for you here

#10 CallMeFeral

Posted 21 June 2019 - 11:04 AM

That's horrible OP. Your MIL is deliberately undermining you and your husband is enabling it.

Would he be amenable to couples therapy?

#11 Octopodes

Posted 21 June 2019 - 11:10 AM

OP, he sounds controlling and dismissive.

A great husband doesn't respond to his wife's concerns and frustrations by threatening to 'not treat her as his wife' because she is 'carry on'.

#12 TheGreenSheep

Posted 21 June 2019 - 11:17 AM

Holy moly she is one cow monster in law.

To be fair, your DH has been conditioned by her to accept her appalling treatment. I suggest supporting each other with couples counseling. Maybe even show I’m this thread when you feel less raw.



#13 Ruf~Feral~es

Posted 21 June 2019 - 11:24 AM

Quote

I told that to my DH and his solution is that he can just stop treating me like his wife if I'm going to 'carry on'



Yes, sorry OP. I know this was a rant about your MIL.  And I get it - I have a pretty awful one too.  Plays her children against each other, plays her grandkids against each other.  I have stories........................

However my issue here is with your DH.  He married you.  You are his family now.  It doesn't mean he can't have a relationship with his mother - far from it.  But if he doesn't respect you and show it, she never will!

DH's mother has come and stayed with us for up to 3 months at a time - and yes, it was REALLY tough.  DH found it really difficult at times to navigate around us, and not take sides, and keep the visits 'happy'.  

But he never disrespected me.  He would let me debrief in the bedroom at night.  He would take his mother out a lot and give me space.  

If he ever said he would "stop treating me as his wife...." I think we would be well and truly divorced by now.

You DH needs to stand up for you, and your family unit.  It is his responsibility to manage his mother, not yours.  

I really feel for you - and I hope you don't feel that this is a pile-on about your DH.  But it does stand out from your post......

If he is great 90% of the time, he needs to pick up his game in this area too, as it is having such a big impact on you and your child.

#14 StoneFoxArrow

Posted 21 June 2019 - 11:48 AM

View Postmoineau, on 21 June 2019 - 10:52 AM, said:


He is great 90% of the time, but he really struggles speaking to anyone if it might end in conflict (except me)

They don't treat him overly well either, but he is so chilled - He just leaves it all be..

Your situation sounds very much like mine. My MIL is like this but without the ex to communicate with. Although if there was one, my MIL would definitely be doing the same thing. She does with my DPs brother.

I don't communicate with my MIL by text/phone anymore, she made it impossible. I see her, with my DP and am civil to her, but we don't attend family events.

My DP sounds just like your husband. He doesn't do conflict. His way of dealing with his family has always been to just let them walk all over him. I can see how it's happened, he just finds it so much easier not to buy into the drama, so he doesn't engage.

But it's caused huge issues for us in the past, when his family have treated me badly and his response has just been "Just don't worry about it. There's no changing them. Nothing I say will make a difference."
And I'm like "it will make a difference to ME!"

My advice would be to work on your husband, he needs to be on your side. You're a team. As a pp suggested, a couple of sessions with a counsellor/psych might help him see how damaging it is to your relationship when he doesn't prioritise you (and your DD).

The ongoing issue with your MIL is harder. My DD is young enough that it isn't obvious to her that we don't see MIL much. But if the current situation is causing you and your family unit more harm than good, and you can't see MIL changing her behaviour, then you make changes that are within your control. Whatever they may be.

#15 halcyondays

Posted 21 June 2019 - 12:00 PM

So how does he see that he is treating you as his wife? If he's going to stop, is he going to stop communicating with you, putting your relationship first, take account of your views and feelings? If that's the case, he's already stopped treating you as his wife, and he can just go back to mummy.

#16 magic_marker

Posted 21 June 2019 - 01:22 PM

My MIL played so many games, we disengaged.
Then she played the victim.
We stopped playing and are getting on with our lives.
Her loss.

#17 Lees75

Posted 21 June 2019 - 02:02 PM

The Facebook stuff, the presents, etc - not good.

I am wondering, though, if the text situation about the baby is perhaps an over-reaction from you, based on already feeling crappy and left out.

In your situation, I would be your DH's ex, and his parents would definitely message me if it was a similar situation. I think it is nice when ex-in-laws remain connected, because it is all about staying family for the sake of the kids. However, I am aware, that my opinion is somewhat biased by the fact that my ex-in-laws and my XH are all nice people, so I'm sorry if I am way off base here.

#18 Ellie bean

Posted 21 June 2019 - 07:19 PM

Yeah you have a mil problem and a husband problem BUT I’d be delighted she’s not texting you, you don’t want texts from such a nasty woman!

#19 Twinmum+2

Posted 21 June 2019 - 08:36 PM

This is awful as everyone has pointed out.  But what also stands out to me is this: what kind of adult has a problem with you and rather than speak to you about it posts on Facebook so that you can read it there along with her how-ever-many hundred closest friends!

Sadly I know there are some people who will do that but it is not a sign of a mature individual.




0 user(s) are reading this topic

0 members, 0 guests, 0 anonymous users

 
 
Advertisement
 

Top 5 Viewed Articles

 
Advertisement
 
 
 
Advertisement
 
 
Essential Baby and Essential Kids is the place to find parenting information and parenting support relating to conception, pregnancy, birth, babies, toddlers, kids, maternity, family budgeting, family travel, nutrition and wellbeing, family entertainment, kids entertainment, tips for the family home, child-friendly recipes and parenting. Try our pregnancy due date calculator to determine your due date, or our ovulation calculator to predict ovulation and your fertile period. Our pregnancy week by week guide shows your baby's stages of development. Access our very active mum's discussion groups in the Essential Baby forums or the Essential Kids forums to talk to mums about conception, pregnancy, birth, babies, toddlers, kids and parenting lifestyle. Essential Baby also offers a baby names database of more than 22,000 baby names, popular baby names, boys' names, girls' names and baby names advice in our baby names forum. Essential Kids features a range of free printable worksheets for kids from preschool years through to primary school years. For the latest baby clothes, maternity clothes, maternity accessories, toddler products, kids toys and kids clothing, breastfeeding and other parenting resources, check out Essential Baby and Essential Kids.