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Annoying aquaintance.


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#126 ERipley

Posted 15 August 2019 - 11:33 AM

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Edited by ERipley, 19 August 2019 - 08:41 PM.


#127 ERipley

Posted 15 August 2019 - 11:38 AM

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Edited by ERipley, 19 August 2019 - 08:42 PM.


#128 overlytired

Posted 15 August 2019 - 11:41 AM

View PostERipley, on 15 August 2019 - 11:30 AM, said:

No need to be her friend, but deliberately making her feel uncomfortable in a public space is mean.

Fair enough, but consider that the other parent has:
  • Barged into OP's car, uninvited;
  • Repeatedly expected to be let in to OP's car while she was obviously on the phone and busy, hovering by the car;
  • Repeatedly interrupted OP while she was setting up for the kids to play and organizing other parent volunteers, after being told again and again that it's not an appropriate time to have a chat;
  • Insulted minority groups in conversation for years;
  • Followed OP around while OP was clearly busy setting up;
  • Tried greeting OP with an unwanted / uninvited physical contact (cheek kiss); and
  • Called OP repeatedly, with the expectation that OP would pick up this person's kids.
Sorry OP, I'm not stalking you LOL.

#129 ERipley

Posted 15 August 2019 - 11:45 AM

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Edited by ERipley, 19 August 2019 - 08:42 PM.


#130 overlytired

Posted 15 August 2019 - 11:48 AM

View PostERipley, on 15 August 2019 - 11:33 AM, said:

We can all pull random definitions off the internet: https://www.google.c...ing?hs_amp=true

True.
https://bullyingnowa...itionOfBullying

Bullying is an ongoing and deliberate misuse of power in relationships through repeated verbal, physical and/or social behaviour that intends to cause physical, social and/or psychological harm. It can involve an individual or a group misusing their power, or perceived power, over one or more persons who feel unable to stop it from happening.


Behaviours that do not constitute bullying include:

  • mutual arguments and disagreements (where there is no power imbalance)
  • not liking someone or a single act of social rejection
  • one-off acts of meanness or spite
  • isolated incidents of aggression, intimidation or violence.

However, these conflicts still need to be addressed and resolved.



#131 overlytired

Posted 15 August 2019 - 11:56 AM

View PostERipley, on 15 August 2019 - 11:45 AM, said:

I’m aware of all that and as I already said several times, the OP doesn’t need to be friends with her and she should be more clear about her boundaries. There’s only so many times I can say this.

The difference is getting the other parents involved. It’s nasty.

I don't think OP "got the other parents involved", rather body language and a handful of statements made a few people realize they felt the same way.

Not many people want to come out and say "Hey, I really don't like you and don't want to speak with or spend time with you", so we send out subtle cues and body language that most people will pick up on, hoping that the other person will recognize you're happy to remain acquaintances, or not. The vast majority of people would recognize that boundary.

#132 Chocolate Addict

Posted 15 August 2019 - 12:11 PM

OP isn't bullying, the other person is harassing her. She obviously needs to be told directly not to interrupt or to back off etc.. But then if it gets to that stage would probably be said in anger and then the lady would be upset even more.

I have no answer but I think it may come to telling her straight.

If you can do it without yelling, she may listen and understand and and try to learn social cues.

#133 Tokra

Posted 15 August 2019 - 12:16 PM

View PostERipley, on 15 August 2019 - 11:45 AM, said:

The difference is getting the other parents involved. It’s nasty.

The OP did nothing to get anyone involved. She simply responded in a conversation.

You are making it sound like they gather around and b**ch about her and giggle and point at her. I can't see anywhere that the OP has said anything like that. She was simply standing with another parent and 1 comment was made.

Clearly the OP is going to have to be more direct if she doesn't want to continue having to avoid this woman. But none of this makes her nasty or a bully.

#134 Lunafreya

Posted 15 August 2019 - 12:29 PM

There’s nothing wrong with trying to disentangle yourself with an intrusive person who refuses to accept your personal space and the rules of consent.

#135 Mollycoddle

Posted 15 August 2019 - 12:30 PM

View Postoverlytired, on 15 August 2019 - 11:26 AM, said:

Speaking to other parents allows her to get a measure of the situation and confirms that she's not alone in thinking "that parent" is overstepping acceptable social boundaries.


I think the speaking to other parents is where it crosses the line. You have the right to decide who you want to associate with based on whatever but talking to others about it opens the door to gossip and general playground nastiness. I agree with the PP who said the ostracism comes very close to bullying. It is targeting someone for isolation and that can be threatening and intimidating in itself, you don't have to physically or even verbally stand over someone for it to constitute bullying. By all means cease associating with her but own your reasons for that, don't make it appear as though you're ganging up.  Because even if that's not how you see it, you can guarantee that's how it would be coming across to the person concerned (and other watching from the outside).

Edited by Mollycoddle, 15 August 2019 - 02:18 PM.


#136 Mollycoddle

Posted 15 August 2019 - 12:32 PM

View PostTokra, on 15 August 2019 - 12:16 PM, said:



You are making it sound like they gather around and b**ch about her and giggle and point at her. I can't see anywhere that the OP has said anything like that. She was simply standing with another parent and 1 comment was made.


There was eyerolling. From the coach. A person in that position in particular should be way above that sort of behaviour.

#137 Lunafreya

Posted 15 August 2019 - 12:37 PM

Come on, people are human.

#138 Ayr

Posted 15 August 2019 - 12:48 PM

View PostLunafreya, on 15 August 2019 - 12:37 PM, said:

Come on, people are human.

Agree. People talk about other people everywhere. Not just in the playground. They do it at workplaces, in friendship groups, in the playground as parents, etc. It's life.

I often used to hear older women on the bus, when I used to catch them, chat together. One would get off and they'd start b**ching about her, next one gets off, conversation turns to that one. It's just what people do.

But of a stretch to label it bullying in this instance and obviously she's doing it to others that can sense the issue. If they want to discuss it then they'll discuss it.

#139 Tokra

Posted 15 August 2019 - 12:53 PM

It was 1 conversation with 1 person and 1 eyeroll and giggle from 1 person. Still not bullying.

#140 WTFJerk

Posted 15 August 2019 - 12:59 PM

It’s b**ching behind her back.  Something I learned in high school and am still quiet proficient at.

EFS

Edited by WTFJerk, 15 August 2019 - 09:17 PM.


#141 Lunafreya

Posted 15 August 2019 - 01:06 PM

I admit I can’t help but to it sometimes, but then do Ernie’s it can help people. Like a warning. If you say to someone “So and so was like this to me” then I’d be better prepared for her behaviour in future.

#142 Prancer is coming

Posted 15 August 2019 - 01:24 PM

I feel really sorry for the kid playing the sport.  Imagine it will be pretty hard for the mum to come back if she is given the cold shoulder.

We have a mum at school who is quite annoying.  Just long winded explanations of mundane things she has been up to and tells the same stories.  Whilst most people find her trying and are unlikely to catch up with her out of school, they are also fine to have short chats with her and set their own boundaries.  Yeah, she is annoying but she is part of our school community and has every right to be there without feeling like everyone hates her, and her child certainly does not need to see people ignoring his mum.

#143 Mollycoddle

Posted 15 August 2019 - 02:21 PM

View PostAyr, on 15 August 2019 - 12:48 PM, said:

Agree. People talk about other people everywhere. Not just in the playground. They do it at workplaces, in friendship groups, in the playground as parents, etc. It's life.


Yes people do.  I do it as well.  But I make a point of not doing it when it comes to my kids' sporting team.  If someone says something about someone else you try to remain diplomatic and non-committal.  Kids can pick up on this sort of thing pretty easily, it's not pleasant as an official trying to run games when there's all this tension boiling under the surface because of texts and emails that have been flying around.

Edited by Mollycoddle, 15 August 2019 - 02:22 PM.


#144 Ayr

Posted 15 August 2019 - 03:02 PM

You wouldn't, others would. People do it everywhere. But that's great you have your own standards as when is appropriate to b**ch or not (if there is such a thing) but others will do it differently.

#145 *Spikey*

Posted 15 August 2019 - 05:44 PM

A gentle reminder.

Ker's car is NOT a public space, nor does she do rent-a-crowd in it.

Ker has not excluded her from a group of people in her car. Unless you count her sister on the end of the phone.

The only person who is aware that Ker preferred talking to someone else, is the acquaintance - and Ker.

None of the other parents, or Ker, have suggested to each other that they collectively not speak to her. Ker did not indicate this was her plan, she mentioned that she found her difficult. Difficult is not the same as flagging an intention to not speak to her. Two people indicated that they agreed she can be tiresome - this does not indicate they will now respond by not speaking to her, just like Ker did not offer her proposed new strategy for dealing with her.

This is not excluding her from the group. This is one person who is entitled to her own space, exercising that right.

#146 *Ker*

Posted 15 August 2019 - 05:47 PM

View PostERipley, on 15 August 2019 - 09:49 AM, said:

Do you really think this woman won’t have noticed them all suddenly giving her the cold shoulder, giving each other knowing looks, happily chatting and then freezing her out? Yes, that’s bullying.

That's the thing. NO ONE is standing around happily chatting. I get there and set up. The coach gets there and organises for the girls to warm up. Then we watch our kids play. We don't chat about anything else. It's not our social time. It's our kids sport. The only thing I've ever said to the coach during the game is something like "wow, X is having a cracker of a game. She's really good!"

Annoying woman chats about EVERYTHING ELSE while there. With her back to the court, not even watching her kid play. She tries to talk to the coach about random bullsh*t, nothing to do with netball, while she is trying to coach the girls while they're playing.

I turn up, say hi, and get on with my stuff and then watch. Then I leave. That's it. I don't even know some of the parents names!

View Postoverlytired, on 15 August 2019 - 11:56 AM, said:

I don't think OP "got the other parents involved", rather body language and a handful of statements made a few people realize they felt the same way.

Not many people want to come out and say "Hey, I really don't like you and don't want to speak with or spend time with you", so we send out subtle cues and body language that most people will pick up on, hoping that the other person will recognize you're happy to remain acquaintances, or not. The vast majority of people would recognize that boundary.

Most people can tell when someone doesn't like another person. Body language gives away a lot. Annoying woman can't seem to recognise body language. Hell, she's known my daughter for years and still can't work out that she is like her mum and doesn't like people she's not close to hugging or kissing her. Annoying woman still tries it with DD. DD is always moving away from her.

ETA - SAPSASA tomorrow. Wish me luck.

Edited by *Ker*, 15 August 2019 - 05:47 PM.


#147 Riotproof

Posted 15 August 2019 - 05:50 PM

Doesn’t that seem easy though? “I’m trying to watch the kids play.”

#148 *Ker*

Posted 15 August 2019 - 05:55 PM

View PostRiotproof, on 15 August 2019 - 05:50 PM, said:

Doesn’t that seem easy though? “I’m trying to watch the kids play.”

I did use that a couple of times "X. Shush. I'm trying to watch my daughter play. And you should be watching yours." It works for maybe 2 minutes until she starts again. She has the memory of a goldfish.

#149 Mmmcheese

Posted 15 August 2019 - 05:58 PM

View Post*Ker*, on 15 August 2019 - 05:55 PM, said:



I did use that a couple of times "X. Shush. I'm trying to watch my daughter play. And you should be watching yours." It works for maybe 2 minutes until she starts again. She has the memory of a goldfish.

I called someone a bigot once. They were still trying to befriend me after that! Socially oblivious people can be enormously hardwork to put boundaries in place with. I feel for you!

#150 Riotproof

Posted 15 August 2019 - 06:02 PM

View Post*Ker*, on 15 August 2019 - 05:55 PM, said:



I did use that a couple of times "X. Shush. I'm trying to watch my daughter play. And you should be watching yours." It works for maybe 2 minutes until she starts again. She has the memory of a goldfish.

Physically moving for a “better” vantage point? It does sound really difficult.




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