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10yo inappropriate attire


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#1 CallMeFeral

Posted 04 August 2019 - 10:09 PM

So..... where to start.

DD, for some reason (TV I guess, and maybe also dance) has always been drawn to attire that I would default to considering 'inappropriate'. She would like to wear midriff tops and super short shorts, given the choice.

The old biddy in me wants to say "you can't go out in that!", but the feminist me says "she can wear what she wants, I will not add to the chorus of voices policing a girl's clothing". So unless it's actually inappropriate for the function (e.g. she should be dressing more formally) I mostly bite my tongue. As she points out, what she wears is what a lot of people wear.

But she's starting puberty and getting older and taller and I can see that this is going to start attracting some unwanted attention. On the flipside, I can't explain to her what I'm afraid of and why, because she is still 10 at heart (even though you'd think she is 16 based on attire) and unaware of the male sexual gaze and how ubiquitous it is - and I want her to stay that innocent for as long as possible. She has her own fashion sense and is unselfconscious and I love that about her - I don't want to make her start dressing for others. But simultaneously I want to protect her from finding out what people are thinking via a negative experience. Already I know relatives who are taken aback by the way she dresses (and I can understand why because I share those feelings a bit, having grown up quite conservatively).

Do I reign it in somehow? And HOW do I explain to her the impression her attire may give without a) making her conscious of things I don't want her to have to think about yet, and b) implicitly making her responsible for other people's messed up psyche's?

#2 22Fruitmincepies

Posted 04 August 2019 - 10:15 PM

Hard! Are there other style influences you could introduce her to, widen her view of what she can wear?

#3 ~J_F~

Posted 04 August 2019 - 10:21 PM

With my girls (15 and 8) we have explained that while we should live in a world where how they choose to dress shouldn’t matter to anyone else, we don’t live in that world. There are people in the world who will use their clothing choices objectify them and possibly to blame them if something terrible happens to them. Obviously the 15yo had a lot more detail about the terrible outcomes than the 8yo.

I don’t know if it’s the right approach but they still seem to be comfortable with wearing whatever they like, youngest often in just her jocks (at home), the least amount of clothes she can get away with in public. Older DD still prefers to wears shorter shorts and crop t-shirts.

#4 Cheesy Sanga

Posted 04 August 2019 - 10:21 PM

I'll be reading the comments with interest, as I could have written the OP's post.

#5 Let-it-go

Posted 04 August 2019 - 10:28 PM

View PostCheesy Sanga, on 04 August 2019 - 10:21 PM, said:

I'll be reading the comments with interest, as I could have written the OP's post.

Me too!!  My 10yo tries to wear netball knickers as actual pants with a T-shirt.

#6 CallMeFeral

Posted 04 August 2019 - 10:34 PM

View Post22Fruitmincepies, on 04 August 2019 - 10:15 PM, said:

Hard! Are there other style influences you could introduce her to, widen her view of what she can wear?

She's VERY resistant to style influence from me. Has been since she was about 4yo, more's the pity!

View PostLet-it-go, on 04 August 2019 - 10:28 PM, said:

Me too!!  My 10yo tries to wear netball knickers as actual pants with a T-shirt.

Yes! She asked this the other day...

#7 lucky 2

Posted 04 August 2019 - 10:43 PM

At that age I let dd have one midriff top and she wore shorts but they had to cover her butt cheeks. No boob tubes.
I thought she should have the opportunity to wear minimal clothing while she was still young and generally under adult supervision.
Now a teenager, she doesn't want to wear short shorts and have a bare midriff, though I know plenty of girls her age are attracted to skimpy clothing, especially for parties.
10 is still very young even if she is starting to develop breast.

#8 BusbyWilkes

Posted 04 August 2019 - 10:44 PM

View PostCallMeFeral, on 04 August 2019 - 10:34 PM, said:



She's VERY resistant to style influence from me. Has been since she was about 4yo, more's the pity!



Yes! She asked this the other day...

Are there other people she looks up to (either in real life or through the media) that have a style that you think is more "acceptable". Google some of these actors/singers and check out their style and how she could adapt it for her age. I'd also focus on accessories for her - hats, shoes, glasses, jewellery as a way to express herself as an individual. She is only 10, so most of her clothes are probably provided by you/her dad. So the other option is to not buy her outfits that you feel are not what you want her wearing.

#9 purplekitty

Posted 04 August 2019 - 10:51 PM

Both my children needed to have their butt cheeks covered.
Male and female.

It's not about feminism for me but the sexualisation of children.

#10 cvbn

Posted 04 August 2019 - 10:53 PM

I play up 'Sun Safe' with my girls, I know what you mean though. Its hard!

#11 Demera

Posted 04 August 2019 - 10:55 PM

As the parents of two daughters (2yo + 6mo) we're dreading this when it comes and I'm interested in how more experienced parents approach it. The only way I can think to frame it is more about looking classy and thinking about the image you, want people to associate with you, eg. sophisticated, trashy, hip, skanky, fun, etc.   I'll probably stay away from any sexual connotations until they are older.

I was pretty conservative back in the day and I thought I was pretty risque wearing midriff tops (with long sleeves and long tencel jeans!). That's nothing to what girls wear these days!

#12 Threelittleducks

Posted 04 August 2019 - 11:04 PM

Our DD is the same. I recently removed some clothes and replaced with more conservative options, that still had similar fabrics and style, but were longer in the legs etc. I then let her choose her own winter jacket, shoes and a belt, as well as a swimsuit that was sun safe.
The reasons for the change that I gave her were purely practical.... you've grown out of the old clothes, these are the new size, are more sun safe and easier to wear for monkey bar play etc. I didn't see the need to explain that it was also for modesty at all.

While I completely agree that women should be able to wear what they want when they want, I'm not putting my DD in a position of potentially being objectified and the potentially negative impact on her self esteem before she has the maturity to understand that the response from others is about their behaviour and not about her.

Good Luck.

#13 gettin my fance on

Posted 04 August 2019 - 11:04 PM

I think the only thing to do is compromise.

You hold the purse strings, so unfortunately your DD will have to give a little as will you.

She can still wear minimal clothing (shorts and sleeveless tops for example) without her wearing clothing that is more suitable to an athletic track or dance practice.

Form and function.  I would be emphasising that wearing really short shorts is not all that practical in summer.  She will be sticking to seats and having to peel herself off the furniture etc.

#14 CallMeFeral

Posted 04 August 2019 - 11:08 PM

View PostBusbyWilkes, on 04 August 2019 - 10:44 PM, said:

She is only 10, so most of her clothes are probably provided by you/her dad. So the other option is to not buy her outfits that you feel are not what you want her wearing.

Yeah I'm starting to get more conscious of this and resist the begging.
The difficulty with shorts though is that the ones that were semi-decent when I bought them are pretty awful 3 years later! I recently had to confiscate a pair that she wanted to keep that fits my 5yo perfectly...
I might have to start quietly 'disappearing' some, but it's hard as she actually has very few clothes these days and notices if her favourites are gone.

View Postpurplekitty, on 04 August 2019 - 10:51 PM, said:

It's not about feminism for me but the sexualisation of children.

The sexualisation of children is what I worry about - but how do you explain that to a child who has no knowledge (and I'd like to keep it that way for a bit longer) that they are being sexualised by outside eyes?

View PostDemera, on 04 August 2019 - 10:55 PM, said:

The only way I can think to frame it is more about looking classy and thinking about the image you, want people to associate with you, eg. sophisticated, trashy, hip, skanky, fun, etc.  

This sort of classifying women as worthwhile or not based on their clothing style is exactly what I'm trying to avoid - that's where the feminism bit kicks in I guess.

Edited by CallMeFeral, 04 August 2019 - 11:09 PM.


#15 lucky 2

Posted 04 August 2019 - 11:14 PM

I don't think it's fair to burden a young child with judgements about clothes, ie put them under pressure to conform or dress in a way that avoids the judgement of others.
I think that's unrealistic and an extra pressure.
Last thing they need is to be bombarded with negative messaging and judgements such as skanky.
It teaches kids that we, adults, are judging people by what they wear when I'm trying to teach my dd to be open minded and avoid pigeon holing people.

#16 CallMeFeral

Posted 04 August 2019 - 11:15 PM

Lol. Just saw this on smh. This'll be me fast forward 10 years :p

https://www.smh.com....802-p52dbt.html

#17 Paddlepop

Posted 04 August 2019 - 11:15 PM

View PostBusbyWilkes, on 04 August 2019 - 10:44 PM, said:

She is only 10, so most of her clothes are probably provided by you/her dad. So the other option is to not buy her outfits that you feel are not what you want her wearing.

Exactly. Who is buying her the super short shorts and other inappropriate clothes? That sort of clothing wouldn't even make it to the cash register in the shop with me.

For my 9yo DD she knows that some clothing is appropriate for at home but not out in public, or that we can behave certain ways at home but in public. For example, I'm firmly in the camp of leggings are not pants for public wearing over 5yo. Leggings are great for at home. Both she and I wear them. Public? Nope, unless it's under a dress or skirt to add some warmth. DD knows that I only wear a bra when out in public, and I take it off as soon as we're home. Sitting with legs spread and knickers showing is fine at home but not in public. She's perfectly fine with the distinction between doing pretty much whatever she wants and wearing whatever she wants at home but not in public. For your DD, I'd be allowing her to wear her tight skimpy stuff at home but not when she leaves the house.

Take her shopping and get her some new clothes. Steer her towards longer shorts, and things that are less tight. Some of the new summer stock is in shops now so it might be a good time to hit the shops. Some winter stock is on sale, so buy ahead for next year with her. Ask her to pass along her smaller stuff to her sister and talk up how exciting it is that she has lovely new clothes to wear.

#18 BECZ

Posted 05 August 2019 - 02:18 AM

View PostCallMeFeral, on 04 August 2019 - 11:15 PM, said:

Lol. Just saw this on smh. This'll be me fast forward 10 years :p

https://www.smh.com....802-p52dbt.html

Sorry, a little off topic, but when I went to view this article, there was an advertisement for Myer.  I don't know if anybody else got these or something different, but one of the items that it flicked over to was a bag with animals on it.  T he thing is, they're all humping!  (Oh geez, now I'm sounding ultra precious)  Just not something I would expect from Myer.

Attached Files


Edited by BECZ, 05 August 2019 - 02:21 AM.


#19 IamzFeralz

Posted 05 August 2019 - 06:00 AM

My DD was like this at 11 or 12.  I just said “no” to inappropriate clothing.  It wasn’t very comfortable standing my ground but I did.  I am normally a relaxed parent in general and still am.

She is 16 now and tells me I did the right thing and we laugh about it.  Am pleasantly surprised as I thought I would have to wait until she was 30 to see things from a parent’s perspective.

#20 literally nobody

Posted 05 August 2019 - 06:35 AM

I refuse to buy the clothing unless we both like it. If i don’t buy it she won’t be wearing it. My dd is 10 as well, she is far too young to call the shots. Thankfully 9/10 she picks decent things.

#21 Coffeegirl

Posted 05 August 2019 - 07:30 AM

DD is 18 now and we’ve been battling this for years.   While I’m happy she is very confident in her body, neither her dad nor I really need to see her wandering the house in a lacy gstring and bra. :lol:

The biggest issue we had with finding appropriate clothing when she was younger was that the more modest styles in the shops simply didn’t exist.    Every pair of shirts was short/short.   Skirts were either knee length (unpractical for running around the playground) or super mini.   I took to ordering a lot of clothes online for her.  


#22 Sincerely

Posted 05 August 2019 - 07:41 AM

View Postcvbn, on 04 August 2019 - 10:53 PM, said:

I play up 'Sun Safe' with my girls, I know what you mean though. Its hard!

Our primary school, which always reminded students to be sun safe, always specified no mid riff tops, no singlets & sensible length shorts for mufti days and this association of messages seems to have sunk in with my kids for all occasions (not just school).

#23 Hypnic Jerk

Posted 05 August 2019 - 07:48 AM

I’ve taken the SunSmart approach.  Because SunSmart.

DD was dressed by her father for kinder on day in a T-shirt that really was a sleeveless top with added frills on the shoulder.  She came home burnt with two big blisters in her shoulders.  Since that day there’s been no spaghetti straps.  Ever.  She enforces this herself and is now 11 though I am getting a bit of pushback with swimmers.

#24 EPZ

Posted 05 August 2019 - 07:52 AM

It makes it harder when the shorts fashion is super short atm. Also if they do dance/gym.

There is a vid on FB,  with a dad that put on short shorts, to show his daughter how it looks, funny as!

My 10 YO has shortish shorts, but I get the ones with a little more leg length,  so she has 'growing room' and that seems to work.

The local high school is free dress and the amount of butt cheeks we see in summer, is unreal.  Pervert haven.  That has put my DD off a bit, which is good!

#25 annodam

Posted 05 August 2019 - 07:55 AM

My eldest is 18yo now & when she was that age, if she wanted something I deemed inappropriate I just wouldn’t buy it.  
She never wore that attire really to begin with as she wasn’t a dancer but that didn’t mean I liked everything she wore.
Can’t wear it if you don’t purchase it.
Sorry, you should be in control here, not the 10yo!
It’s only going to harder if you don’t reign it in now.




EFS:

Edited by annodam, 05 August 2019 - 07:56 AM.





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