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10yo inappropriate attire


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#26 LittleMissPink

Posted 05 August 2019 - 07:56 AM

In our house Dancewear is for wearing to dancing/gym only. Swimwear is only for swimming.

I refuse to buy midriff tops for my children. And thats the thing. If they have these clothes, then someone bought them for them.

#27 Fourteenyears

Posted 05 August 2019 - 08:09 AM

Quote

I refuse to buy midriff tops for my children. And thats the thing. If they have these clothes, then someone bought them for them.

Lol, normal shorts become short shorts and normal shirts crops just through the miracle of time.  As kids grow, their clothes get shorter!  

Especially if there is a younger sibling to grow into them so they aren’t regularly being sorted and sent to charity.

Having said that, I actively buy them.  My ten year old daughter has an assortment of booty shorts and fitted crop tops that she wears while training.  The rule has always been that they are strictly for gym.  

Interestingly, it seems to get it out if her system completely.    She spends so much time in fitted, utilitarian clothing that when she actually gets to choose what she wears she wants long, loose, flowing stuff.

#28 Julie3Girls

Posted 05 August 2019 - 08:29 AM

Firstly, I’d be pushing the “they don’t fit” aspect - if the clothes fit the 5 year old, they get passed on.
Then take her out and buy new clothes. Do a bit of advance shopping so you know what is around,  and take her to the shops that have the more appropriate clothing that you are happy to buy. Even things like midriff tops - there are some that are ok, others that are maybe not so much. And again, keep an eye on when she outgrows them and they are showing too much.

I think there are some limits you can put in place as sunsafe.
Others as simply appropriate clothing - I think shorts should be covering your backside, regardless of boy or girl.


#29 Mollycoddle

Posted 05 August 2019 - 08:43 AM

View PostFourteenyears, on 05 August 2019 - 08:09 AM, said:


Interestingly, it seems to get it out if her system completely.    She spends so much time in fitted, utilitarian clothing that when she actually gets to choose what she wears she wants long, loose, flowing stuff.

This is what it was like for me back then, I did 3 types of dancing as well as gymnastics, the dancers were probably the most conservatively dressed preteens in our small town.

#30 Lifesgood

Posted 05 August 2019 - 08:46 AM

Like some other PPs I made the decisions as to what was or was not acceptable attire for my DD when she was little. She could choose her clothes but as I was paying for them I had the final say. That meant no micro-shorts, mid-riff tops or age-inappropriate styles. Swimwear = no bikinis (in any case a sun shirt has always been compulsary).

In addition she has never been allowed to leave the house wearing dance shorts as pants. I have also made her wear long tops over leggings and have taught her that leggings are not pants, except for exercising. The fact that her friends were doing this routinely was never allowed as a reason for her to do it.

When she started to challenge me as to 'why' I explained about adults who see children as sexual beings and how they may look at her body with less than innocent intent. She was revolted by this idea. As she should be.

We also have raised her to know that her value is not linked to her physical appearance, or her appeal to men (or women).

At age 13 she dresses age-appropriately and in a way that she feels comfortable and that we are comfortable with. No doubt we have more work ahead of us but I see it as an ongoing journey that begins when they are toddlers and continues into young adulthood.

#31 Apple14

Posted 05 August 2019 - 09:26 AM

My DP and I were just discussing this the other night.
It’s a hard thing to navigate, but I agree with the PP.
You have the money so you get some say. If you don’t think it’s decent, don’t pay for it.
It will be about negotiation by both of you as to what is acceptable.

#32 MarciaB

Posted 05 August 2019 - 09:33 AM

In our house, until they were old enough to earn money I bought clothes and I would say no if I thought it inappropriate.  

We also have conversations about respecting others.  Eg when going out to dinner with family - it is appropriate to dress neatly and with care (ie brush hair so it is neat, face washed and clean no tracksuit pants or gym gear - no short short skirts so undies are flashed when they sit down).

I also push the sun angle because we need to!

#33 Bam1

Posted 05 August 2019 - 09:33 AM

She is 10 I would let a kid dress like a kid - so it would be more her motivation than the clothes I would concern myself with. If she was wearing clothes because she wanted to look sexy I would draw the line even if I would let her wear them if she was just wearing them as clothes.

Clothes still have to be appropriate for the occasion and for her age but if others are going to sexualise her because her legs are showing thats their issue not a 10yo who is wearing her clothes for her.

#34 ekbaby

Posted 05 August 2019 - 09:41 AM

I would let her wear what she wants. Unpopular opinion I know. But I think the responsibility for sexualising children or harassing them lies 100% with the people who do that and not with the child. There is no outfit that is 100% “sexualisation proof”, people will harass teen girls wearing jeans, one piece swimmers, hoodies etc.
People wear clothes for fun as well as function.
I see it as similar to pre school age girls (or boys) wanting to wear sparkly tutus, only pink clothing, shiny sandals, costume jewels etc
Some feminists might say girls should always be dressed in gender neutral practical clothing and it’s true there is no “need” for pink sequinned unicorn tutus and shiny hair bows and glitter make up but I feel like it’s shaming things that are traditionally “feminine” and saying the only way for a woman to be taken seriously is if she dresses like a neutral robot.
I think most tweens/teens go through years of experimenting with dress and it’s part of their personal growth. Whether that be goth, punk, surfie, Fluro or skimpy shorts and animal print midriff. Let them do their thing, maybe in 5 years time they will look back and be appalled at their own style, but that’s all part of growing up
Disclaimer: yes parents hold the purse strings, I’m not spending ridiculous amounts of money on designer items. Buy them some practical basics and allow a bit of an allowance for fluff/fun items of their choice

#35 Manicmum

Posted 05 August 2019 - 09:47 AM

My girls think that girls that wear crops and cheek showing shorts looking ridiculous and are show-offy.

#36 *Ker*

Posted 05 August 2019 - 10:01 AM

I pay for the kid's clothes so anything I deem inappropriate isn't coming home with us! I told DD that short shorts are trashy. She does have one kinda midriff top, but it meets the top of her jeans.

#37 Freddie'sMum

Posted 05 August 2019 - 10:01 AM

This is a damn good question OP.  We have a 14 year old who has no interest in fashion at all - but her younger sister (Miss-11 turning 12) is very much into fashion.

I don't buy shorty shorts.  I don't buy midriff tops.  They just don't get purchased in this house.  I pass on clothes from DD#1 to DD#2 and I also buy DD#2 her own clothes so she doesn't feel that she lives in her big sister's hand me downs all the time.

I remember walking along the street (many years ago) with my then-12 year old niece and I saw a man look her up and down and it sickened me.  I wanted to shout at him "SHE'S 12 !!  She still has a dollhouse in her bedroom and barbie dolls. Don't look at her like she's an adult woman !!"

I think my 12 year old niece was wearing jeans and a t-shirt :(

It may make me sound old fashioned but I don't want our girls to have to deal with that behaviour / the male gaze - for as long as possible.  I want them in clothes that they can go and play on the monkey bars at the park, or go to the shops without that male gaze.

#38 robhat

Posted 05 August 2019 - 10:48 AM

My 11 year old daughter has never been allowed anything midriff, nor overly short shorts. In our case sun smart IS the reason entirely. She's fair skinned, fair haired, blue eyed with freckles and moles and her grandparents have already had cancers removed. She's high risk for skin cancer and we tell her so. She's required to wear sunscreen on any bare skin if she's going outside for more than 20 minutes. That in itself is enough for her to choose to wear clothes that cover more of her skin.

The rules aren't any different for her brother. The difference lies in what society thinks a girl should wear and what the shops sell. I'm not entirely convinced that young girls 'choose' to wear the clothes they do simply because they like them. You can't ignore the power of marketing and peer pressure.

#39 Sentient Puddle

Posted 05 August 2019 - 10:58 AM

Great question CallMeFeral.

I have exactly the same qualms as you and I don't want to be that parent who tells my daughter to cover up her body - but I don't want my daughter to dress in what I deem inappropriate either (such a double standard I know).

Luckily in some ways my DD who is 12 (and taller than me) is very very fair and burns very easily and we use the sun smart line to get her to cover up in Summer.  I don't mind her wearing leggings - she is free to wear anything sport like but it just must cover skin.  I know when we are out and about she gets looks as she is tall and has a very athletic but curvy physique. I want to yell at men that she is only 12 and to keep their looks to themselves - but cat walk and advertising models are often only a few years older - so men are used to sexualising young women (regardless of what they wear).  I also don't allow makeup - I want her focussing on what her body can do and not what her body looks like and we have lots of conversations around those issues.  When she is older and earning her own money to buy makeup etc then it will be more difficult but at the moment I control what is purchased and what she wears.  I also "retire" clothing when it gets too short/small.

Parenting is hard sometimes!

#40 WannabeMasterchef

Posted 05 August 2019 - 11:00 AM

View PostCallMeFeral, on 04 August 2019 - 11:08 PM, said:

This sort of classifying women as worthwhile or not based on their clothing style is exactly what I'm trying to avoid - that's where the feminism bit kicks in I guess.

Ive never seen a boy referred to as 'skanky' !

I have the same sort of issues with my 8yo and Ive had to put some rules in place like if they want to wear stupidly short shorts wear some leggings underneath so you will be warm.

This may not work with a 10yo as they are going to be more conscious of emulating the current fashions. I also have a 6yo who copies the 8yo so Im watching this thread with interest.

#41 OceanTwentyFour

Posted 05 August 2019 - 11:25 AM

What’s wrong with leggings for a younger child? My 8 year old DD lives in them in winter unless it’s really cold and will wear them to school on milder days in winter.

#42 Lady Sybil Vimes

Posted 05 August 2019 - 11:26 AM

I can see that it would be a battle with an independent fashion-conscious kid but I wouldn’t allow my sons or my daughter to wear sexualised or skimpy clothing. I don’t have any feminist concerns about telling a pre-teen child that they don’t get to have the final say about what clothing is appropriate and that in our family no one wears booty shorts.

Clothes are a kind of cultural language and I want my children to learn what types of clothes are appropriate in different setting and make conscious choices about when to accept or reject those standards but I think a ten year old is too young to do that independently.  

I’d probably just tell her you can see she needs more clothes so you’re going to clear out the things that she’s grown out of and then you can go shopping together for some new clothes. Then I’d set the ground rules of what we were buying before we hit the shops. Maybe also buy her some books on fashion - the type that show different outfits for different occasions? Or a history of fashion? It might spark a few conversations or broaden her horizons.

#43 seayork2002

Posted 05 August 2019 - 11:28 AM

View PostOceanTwentyFour, on 05 August 2019 - 11:25 AM, said:

What’s wrong with leggings for a younger child? My 8 year old DD lives in them in winter unless it’s really cold and will wear them to school on milder days in winter.

And tracksuit pants?

sure not the nicest looking item but can't see what is actually wrong with them?

#44 ~J_F~

Posted 05 August 2019 - 11:29 AM

View PostOceanTwentyFour, on 05 August 2019 - 11:25 AM, said:

What’s wrong with leggings for a younger child? My 8 year old DD lives in them in winter unless it’s really cold and will wear them to school on milder days in winter.

Nothing people are just plain weird and judgemental about leggings...

#45 28 Barbary Lane

Posted 05 August 2019 - 11:50 AM

I’m always wondering if maybe leggings are not what I think they are, like do they mean stockings? I think leggings are just like pants that you pull on with no zips etc? If so am not sure why kids can’t wear them!

#46 wilding

Posted 05 August 2019 - 12:06 PM

View Postseayork2002, on 05 August 2019 - 11:28 AM, said:

And tracksuit pants?

sure not the nicest looking item but can't see what is actually wrong with them?

View PostOceanTwentyFour, on 05 August 2019 - 11:25 AM, said:

What’s wrong with leggings for a younger child? My 8 year old DD lives in them in winter unless it’s really cold and will wear them to school on milder days in winter.

Nothings wrong with them :shrug: considering they are classed as athleisure or streetwear and not as underwear.

Edited by wilding, 05 August 2019 - 12:07 PM.


#47 Fourteenyears

Posted 05 August 2019 - 12:12 PM

My daughter is wearing leggings at school today (school doesn’t care, as long as they are navy).   She wore her school pants to a scouting event yesterday (sigh) and there was nothing else clean and suitable.

They are fine.  They aren’t a smaller version of adult sexy clothing - nothing sexy about leggings!    They are very clearly utilitarian, they aren’t skintight, and they will keep her legs warm.  

I don’t think short shorts are skanky, but I do understand the unwanted attention worry.   I once, unthinkingly, stopped at a supermarket with my daughter on the way home from gym.  She was in a long sleeved leotard and gym shorts.    I got stopped and asked if she has considered modelling, which has never happened when her loooong legs have been less accentuated by her attire. (She, luckily, was oblivious)

I guess at the moment, I am her shield.  In a couple of years when she is still young, but out and about without me, I imagine that low grade harassment will begin, regardless of whether she is in leggings, short shorts, or loose flowing sundresses.   I remember from my own early teen years that anything that doesn’t actively scream ‘little girl’ seems just as likely to get attention as clothes designed to be sexy.


#48 *Nasty*Squeekums*

Posted 05 August 2019 - 12:16 PM

View Postekbaby, on 05 August 2019 - 09:41 AM, said:

I would let her wear what she wants. Unpopular opinion I know. But I think the responsibility for sexualising children or harassing them lies 100% with the people who do that and not with the child. There is no outfit that is 100% “sexualisation proof”, people will harass teen girls wearing jeans, one piece swimmers, hoodies etc.
People wear clothes for fun as well as function.
I see it as similar to pre school age girls (or boys) wanting to wear sparkly tutus, only pink clothing, shiny sandals, costume jewels etc
Some feminists might say girls should always be dressed in gender neutral practical clothing and it’s true there is no “need” for pink sequinned unicorn tutus and shiny hair bows and glitter make up but I feel like it’s shaming things that are traditionally “feminine” and saying the only way for a woman to be taken seriously is if she dresses like a neutral robot.
I think most tweens/teens go through years of experimenting with dress and it’s part of their personal growth. Whether that be goth, punk, surfie, Fluro or skimpy shorts and animal print midriff. Let them do their thing, maybe in 5 years time they will look back and be appalled at their own style, but that’s all part of growing up
Disclaimer: yes parents hold the purse strings, I’m not spending ridiculous amounts of money on designer items. Buy them some practical basics and allow a bit of an allowance for fluff/fun items of their choice

Completely agree. I let dd (9) choose her own stuff also. I just speak up on weather appropriate. So in winter she needs a jumper, leggings as it keeps her asthma at bay and basics clothing. I even let her choose her hair colour, yesterday we did pink and purple streaks

I was raped at 12 wearing a jeans and jumper so I don't feel clothes invite unwanted attention, that will happen regardless of what someone wears.

And yep, the responsibility to not sexualize kids and their outfits is 100% on adults.

#49 Kaz83

Posted 05 August 2019 - 12:17 PM

Rule number #398 Ive learned from EB. No leggings on kids. Ill add it to the list.

#50 *Nasty*Squeekums*

Posted 05 August 2019 - 12:24 PM

View Post~J_WTF~, on 05 August 2019 - 11:29 AM, said:

Nothing people are just plain weird and judgemental about leggings...

Hands up, I hate them. I feel they look funny on me, don't like the tightness at ankle, I don't wear skinny jeans for the same reason. And when people choose the wrong size and they go see through, I cringe.
But
Dd loves them and wears them daily. I know my issue with them is all me and she shouldn't have her choices limited cos i dont like something thats harmless
I even let her break the school rule of no leggings as from what I've heard from some others it comes down to distraction and boys. Well no, that's not a valid reason and I dare them to challenge me on it. Just like they can challenge me on her hair colour lol.




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