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10yo inappropriate attire


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#51 AuntyJJJ

Posted 05 August 2019 - 12:32 PM

This is an odd perspective but when I was a teenager back in the mid 90s I would go to work wearing a petticoat. Literally just a petticoat and an old shirt over the top. I worked as a Doctors receptionist.

Sometimes he or his wife especially would look at me funny but it never occurred to me my clothes were inappropriate.

My skirts when I was age 14-20 were the size of handkerchiefs.

I would have LOVED my mum to gently explain the concept of professional attire at work.

I would have LOVED her to take me shopping at Target buy me some basic things - she stopped buying me clothes after age 9, and that's half the reason I wore scrappy things, I only bought $5 dresses at glebe markets!

Once I was 17 walking out to a party and my parents made me take off my see through lace top with no underwear on and put on some underwear...I honestly had no idea.

Remember what it's like to be a little kid, or teenager, you are completely unaware of how other people see you. It's about safety.

#52 BornToLove

Posted 05 August 2019 - 12:34 PM

DD is 9 and clothing can be a source of difficulty. Complicating matters is that she has some sensory issues with clothing so it can be hard to balance those needs with sensible clothing choices that make us both happy.

We talk about the importance of dressing for the occasion. I what I like to wear (jeans) doesn’t always work for the activity I’m doing (corporate office job, working out etc) so it’s important to be dressed appropriately in that regard. Things like safety (sun smart clothes, closed toe shoes etc) and overall image also play roles in what we wear.

For the most part, DD accepts this and knows what she wears at home or to gymnastics (short shorts, singlet) won’t fly at a play date or going to the park. Occasionally DD will push boundaries but we then leave her the choice of wearing what she wants or doing what she wants. Every time she is given the choice, she changes.

#53 123tree

Posted 05 August 2019 - 12:42 PM

View PostLady Sybil Vimes, on 05 August 2019 - 11:26 AM, said:

I can see that it would be a battle with an independent fashion-conscious kid but I wouldn’t allow my sons or my daughter to wear sexualised or skimpy clothing. I don’t have any feminist concerns about telling a pre-teen child that they don’t get to have the final say about what clothing is appropriate and that in our family no one wears booty shorts.


See this is the thing. I don’t know if there’s sexulised clothing for boys.


I think that some posters are being very hard on the OP. The clothes her daughter is wearing is shorts she has grown out of or gymnastics tops. She hasn’t gone out buying skanky outfits on purpose.  The fact that she is having this conversation is proof she is handling this sensitively.

It is hard. No one wants to say to their kids. Oh that was fine to wear six months ago but now you have grown boobs you have to dress differently.

#54 MarciaB

Posted 05 August 2019 - 12:58 PM

View PostBornToLove, on 05 August 2019 - 12:34 PM, said:

DD is 9 and clothing can be a source of difficulty. Complicating matters is that she has some sensory issues with clothing so it can be hard to balance those needs with sensible clothing choices that make us both happy.

We talk about the importance of dressing for the occasion. I what I like to wear (jeans) doesn’t always work for the activity I’m doing (corporate office job, working out etc) so it’s important to be dressed appropriately in that regard. Things like safety (sun smart clothes, closed toe shoes etc) and overall image also play roles in what we wear.

For the most part, DD accepts this and knows what she wears at home or to gymnastics (short shorts, singlet) won’t fly at a play date or going to the park. Occasionally DD will push boundaries but we then leave her the choice of wearing what she wants or doing what she wants. Every time she is given the choice, she changes.

This is what I was trying to say ^^ about teaching our kids to respect the occasion.  The example I gave was a family dinner at a restaurant where I said trackpants and gym gear weren't acceptable (which may have been why others were questioning what was wrong with trackpants).  Of course there is absolutely nothing wrong with them for casual weekend/after school/holiday wear - but if we are out to dinner at a restaurant - I would say no to the kids wearing tracksuit pants (which in our house aren't fancy kinds of trackpants, just your standard budget trackies which get a bit worse for wear after a while and imo aren't fit for restaurant dining).

#55 seayork2002

Posted 05 August 2019 - 01:09 PM

View PostMarciaB, on 05 August 2019 - 12:58 PM, said:

This is what I was trying to say ^^ about teaching our kids to respect the occasion.  The example I gave was a family dinner at a restaurant where I said trackpants and gym gear weren't acceptable (which may have been why others were questioning what was wrong with trackpants).  Of course there is absolutely nothing wrong with them for casual weekend/after school/holiday wear - but if we are out to dinner at a restaurant - I would say no to the kids wearing tracksuit pants (which in our house aren't fancy kinds of trackpants, just your standard budget trackies which get a bit worse for wear after a while and imo aren't fit for restaurant dining).

Sparkly hotpants and a singlet top being worn to a funeral I may say something, but don't see how just eating in a restaurant requires and more respect that just wearing clean clothes.

I have noticed I tend to be a bit old fashioned in my thinking on here but no I don't have a opinion on what people to wear to a restaurant unless it The Ritz (for example) where they request a tie.

Edited by seayork2002, 05 August 2019 - 01:11 PM.


#56 Lady Sybil Vimes

Posted 05 August 2019 - 01:13 PM

I get that these are just too-small clothes. I have skinny boys and also had to get rid of shorts they could still fit into but were getting too short. Also had to buy DS2 a selection of snazzy braces just so his pants could stay up and he wasn’t constantly flashing his undies and more to the world.

I don’t think it’s necessary to talk about growing boobs, though. Kids grow out of stuff all the time so it’s relatively easy to say, “hey, you wore this when you were x years old! You’ve grown right out of these little kid clothes. We’re going to need to go shopping for some new clothes for you!” I would focus more on “we’re getting new clothes!” to try to shift away from battling over the old things.

Edited by Lady Sybil Vimes, 05 August 2019 - 05:50 PM.


#57 MarciaB

Posted 05 August 2019 - 01:18 PM

View Postseayork2002, on 05 August 2019 - 01:09 PM, said:

Sparkly hotpants and a singlet top being worn to a funeral I may say something, but don't see how just eating in a restaurant requires and more respect that just wearing clean clothes.

I have noticed I tend to be a bit old fashioned in my thinking on here but no I don't have a opinion on what people to wear to a restaurant unless it The Ritz (for example) where they request a tie.

Fair enough!  I am not that picky about who wears what where - just trying to give an example of what I try to teach.  We don't eat out at restaurants often - but when we do all our extended family is there - so for me a bit of effort is required (trackies out - jeans would be fine - sneakers also good for kids as long as they are clean-ish).  If they tag along to the shops/coles/doctor surgery/grab takeaway or lunch in a food court etc  - they are fine with me to wear whatever (trackies/gym gear) - just try to teach them that sometimes sports gear isn't appropriate.

#58 grumpybum1

Posted 05 August 2019 - 01:20 PM

Its a hard one OP.

I just didnt buy clothing that I thought was inappropriate (really short shorts or skimpy tops). Spoke to my girls about what might be appropriate on different occasions - ie what we wear to the beach we wouldnt wear to church for their cousin's baptism.

Occasionally have said something like  'maybe if you wore bike shorts under that skirt you might feel more comfortable that people wont see your undies'. I didnt want them to feel they couldnt wear something because a man might perve or an old lady think it was inappropriate.

My DDs are now teenagers, they are pretty confident in their own skin - swimmers/ surf life savers so used to parading about in bathers.They seem to not want to wear anything too skimpy on other occasions, other than short skirts.

DD16 said to me after a festival the other day that she was concerned about her friend  (also 16) who was wearing a little crochet top that older men were 'perving' on her and making crude comments. DD did not like it and told them off. Go Girl!

#59 seayork2002

Posted 05 August 2019 - 01:21 PM

View PostMarciaB, on 05 August 2019 - 01:18 PM, said:

Fair enough!  I am not that picky about who wears what where - just trying to give an example of what I try to teach.  We don't eat out at restaurants often - but when we do all our extended family is there - so for me a bit of effort is required (trackies out - jeans would be fine - sneakers also good for kids as long as they are clean-ish).  If they tag along to the shops/coles/doctor surgery/grab takeaway or lunch in a food court etc  - they are fine with me to wear whatever (trackies/gym gear) - just try to teach them that sometimes sports gear isn't appropriate.

Sorry I was not trying to have a go and I know we have to conform sometimes like school, work, posh restaurants etc. and I certainly do not have the answers and I can't put it into words but I just find the idea of 'having' to dress a certain way does not sit right with me.

again I am not saying in all occasions

#60 Murderino

Posted 05 August 2019 - 01:45 PM

View Post123tree, on 05 August 2019 - 12:42 PM, said:

She hasn’t gone out buying skanky outfits on purpose.

Clothes aren’t skanky and neither are people who wear booty shorts or crop tops.

#61 EPZ

Posted 05 August 2019 - 01:58 PM

On a side note, If you watched 60 minutes last night. Oliva Newton-John's daughter had a mini and crop top on and even though she is 20 odd, I guess, it looked super tacky.

#62 Drat

Posted 05 August 2019 - 03:40 PM

Im just not going to buy skimpy clothes for my girls.
They are only tiny, but even now I find the length of girls shorts ridiculous. I don't think i'm a prude, but these tiny bum shorts on 3 year olds is ridiculous. Barely covers their bums when playing outside.

I don't like crop tops, midriffs etc. at all for any age, so I won't be buying them. I don't mind two piece swimmers though, I was a really skinny and long torsoed kid and often one piece swimmers often were either baggy or they felt like they were making me hunch.

#63 Jenflea

Posted 05 August 2019 - 03:44 PM

Most of the girls at DD's public primary school wear bike shorts as their uniform shorts. I think it looks revolting and won't let DD(9) wear them without a skirt on top. She can wear the basic target black shorts(with pockets!!) or the dress or bike shorts with a skirt on top.

I don't want to see a VPL or the outline of genitals on anyone unless in a gym or doing dance and even then I'd prefer the tights to be fitted properly so they don't ride up in cracks.
And they certainly aren't Sun Smart.

#64 ~J_F~

Posted 05 August 2019 - 03:51 PM

Far out I actually can’t believe some of the language people are using to describe clothing and people who wear it...

You are as much a part of the problem as the people who objectify others for clothing choices!!

#65 ~Bob~

Posted 05 August 2019 - 03:57 PM

View PostCallMeFeral, on 04 August 2019 - 10:09 PM, said:

the feminist me says "she can wear what she wants, I will not add to the chorus of voices policing a girl's clothing".

I don’t think it’s anti feminist to guide her choice of clothing. In fact, I think it’s perfectly in line with feminist philosophies to teach her about why she wears what she wears (ie, society tells her that she’s female and must be decorated and show off her body) and then show her the alternatives, that are more comfortable and sun smart. Of course, you’re going to keep it at an age appropriate level, but steering her to clothes that are more comfortable certainly isn’t anti feminist. It’s where choice feminism is flawed. We don’t make these choices in a vacuum.

#66 123tree

Posted 05 August 2019 - 04:19 PM

View PostMurderino, on 05 August 2019 - 01:45 PM, said:



Clothes aren’t skanky and neither are people who wear booty shorts or crop tops.


Sorry that was the point I was trying to make in my post. No one is skanky and girls are being pressured to wear clothes to conform to some sort of ever changing standard set by others for no other reason but to judge. The child in question is ten FFS I can’t believe the judgement is starting so early

I miss used wrong words trying to be sarcastic.

#67 JBH

Posted 05 August 2019 - 04:30 PM

It’s difficult. If you were talking about tight miniskirts and the like that restrict movement and limit the activities in which she can participate, it’s easier to navigate a feminist line as to why they are inappropriate. Clothes that are more like gym or dance wear and provide freedom of movement don’t achieve that.

I would probably try a fob off of “that doesn’t fit any more, so you can’t wear it”. Ultimately if questioned I would need to decide whether just to let it go and have her wear the clothes or say “clothes send messages and you need to think about the kind of messaging you are sending. It’s a bit like saying please and thank you - it doesn’t really achieve anything meaningful, but it sends a signal to the world.” However, I don’t thiNk I would be willing to talk about the types of sexualised signals at 10. I think I would frame in terms of “hot pants and a crop top send a signal that you are going to a gym class - jeans and a T-shirt send a signal that you are ready to relax and play, a smart dress/trousers sends a signal that you recognise this is a formal occasion to be treated seriously”.

Edit: I reread this post and found myself completely disagreeing with it. You aren’t necessarily sending out messages - other people might however think you are. This is tough. In an ideal world then as long as you aren’t going to be in the sun then you should be able to wear whatever clothing you want, as long as it doesn’t stop you needing to do what you want and need to do. It’s hard because there’s no easy answer to the question of what makes a girl or woman want to dress the way she wants to - social conditioning to be decorative and appeal to the male gaze that should be reacted against or a sense of style and fun for the sake of it that shouldn’t be fettered by judgment? Probably a mixture and therein lies the rub.

Edited by JBH, 05 August 2019 - 07:13 PM.


#68 amdirel

Posted 05 August 2019 - 04:32 PM

View PostAuntyJJJ, on 05 August 2019 - 12:32 PM, said:


Remember what it's like to be a little kid, or teenager, you are completely unaware of how other people see you. It's about safety.

What do you mean by safety? Sun safety? Safety from the cold wind? Or have I missed a memo that trackies can keep you safe from assault?

#69 Bam1

Posted 05 August 2019 - 05:02 PM

View PostAuntyJJJ, on 05 August 2019 - 12:32 PM, said:

This is an odd perspective but when I was a teenager back in the mid 90s I would go to work wearing a petticoat. Literally just a petticoat and an old shirt over the top. I worked as a Doctors receptionist.

Sometimes he or his wife especially would look at me funny but it never occurred to me my clothes were inappropriate.

My skirts when I was age 14-20 were the size of handkerchiefs.

I would have LOVED my mum to gently explain the concept of professional attire at work.

I would have LOVED her to take me shopping at Target buy me some basic things - she stopped buying me clothes after age 9, and that's half the reason I wore scrappy things, I only bought $5 dresses at glebe markets!

Once I was 17 walking out to a party and my parents made me take off my see through lace top with no underwear on and put on some underwear...I honestly had no idea.

Remember what it's like to be a little kid, or teenager, you are completely unaware of how other people see you. It's about safety.

We are not talking about raising our kids to be stupid though, we are talking about clothing itself. A burkini, being seimwear, would be inappropriate at a formal occasion.

If the people my children are unaware of have your views, I’m glad they are unaware and can act and dress like children and then continue to dress appropriately as they mature.

#70 WannabeMasterchef

Posted 05 August 2019 - 05:33 PM

View Post28 Barbary Lane, on 05 August 2019 - 11:50 AM, said:

I’m always wondering if maybe leggings are not what I think they are, like do they mean stockings? I think leggings are just like pants that you pull on with no zips etc? If so am not sure why kids can’t wear them!

Yeah I think leggings can refer to different things. What I thought were called school leggings I have learned others call dance pants or jazz pants. I assume its the stocking type people are talking about here.

#71 Silverstreak

Posted 05 August 2019 - 05:33 PM

I would take the line that clothing should be comfortable, practical and suit the occasion. God I sound old. Skimpy clothing won’t keep you warm or protect you from the sun and clothes that are too fitted are not always comfortable to move around in.

Unless a ten year old is at the beach or doing certain sports eg dance, there is no need for short shorts and crop tops and this goes for boys and girls.

#72 .Jerry.

Posted 05 August 2019 - 05:45 PM

DD has taken my lead and is pretty conservative in her tastes (despite doing both dance and gymnastics ;) ) plus she has no interest in fashion.

However, when she has shown interest in clothing that I don't think is suitable for her, I say things like
"Do you want people looking at your bum?"  or
"That will be very tight across your breasts"  or
"That design is not very suitable for you"  or
"That style is a bit dramatic"  or similar.

I don't label clothes trashy/skanky etc and I try hard not to say something that is victim-blaming, but I simply don't like skimpy clothing.  On anyone.  
DD has been subtly influenced over the years.  Will see how long it lasts.
She does get to wear skimpy clothing in dance at times, though even that is pretty conservative really, apart from leotards.

#73 *Spikey*

Posted 05 August 2019 - 05:48 PM

DD is a fan of passing along clothes that she has grown out of. It's an occasion and something she does with thought and love. She judges in two ways - does it still go around her middle, and is it still long enough in the leg/body/sleeve.

In a lot of cases, DD's tiny waist still fits into clothes that she wore in primary school; but as she got taller, her arms and legs got longer and so did her body. That also doesn't take into account the boobs and rounded hips that appeared.

You can try suggesting to your DD that you have a wardrobe cleanout and refresh, based on the two fitting criteria. If your butt and bod is hanging out now then you've grown out of them lengthwise, even if not around the waist. They are officially too small because they don't fit the way they should, and it's time to move them on to someone else's wardrobe.

#74 Lifesgood

Posted 05 August 2019 - 06:10 PM

View Post~Bob~, on 05 August 2019 - 03:57 PM, said:

I don’t think it’s anti feminist to guide her choice of clothing. In fact, I think it’s perfectly in line with feminist philosophies to teach her about why she wears what she wears (ie, society tells her that she’s female and must be decorated and show off her body) and then show her the alternatives, that are more comfortable and sun smart. Of course, you’re going to keep it at an age appropriate level, but steering her to clothes that are more comfortable certainly isn’t anti feminist. It’s where choice feminism is flawed. We don’t make these choices in a vacuum.
I think this gets to the relevant point that drives me to help DD choose clothes that are appropriate. To me this IS the feminist way.

#75 Hellbent

Posted 05 August 2019 - 06:23 PM

View PostCallMeFeral, on 04 August 2019 - 10:09 PM, said:


But she's starting puberty and getting older and taller and I can see that this is going to start attracting some unwanted attention.

No real advice from me, I just came in here to say this.  DD and her dad walked to the dog park yesterday.  I group of men in a ute slowed down and yelled out "I'd really love to """" that" amongst other crude comments.  She was wearing jeans, runners, a jumper and a zipped up parker. And as mentioned was with her dad.  Last week walking home from the bus stop with a friend, same scenario except the guys called out something about the girls showing them their "bits".  They were dressed in school uniform, trousers, school shirts, jumpers and bomber jackets.  She doesn't even bother walking to school anymore, we drop her off, as she's sick to death of the disgusting comments she receives, EVERY time she goes out, no matter what she's wearing.  My point is it doesnt matter WHAT your DD wears in regards to unwanted attention.  She's female, thats all thats required to illicit disgusting thoughts and comment on a daily basis apparently.




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