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[WaitForMe]

Personally I think a conversation on the cold hard facts, and how the teen wants to live their life, what goals they have, and how it can interfere, is probably the best bet.

I really don't see the point in an outright ban, I personally saw zero correlation between parent strictness and usage.

[Chchgirl]

Tokra, on 09 August 2019 - 06:22 PM, said:

Think you replied using the wrong account there lol.




I agree with this.



My teen will get privacy when he can show that he deserves it.



Also agree with this, big time.

Fair call,  we're all different

[Navy Blue]

Dadto2, on 09 August 2019 - 11:07 AM, said:

The danger is, if a parent comes down hard on their child and lies to them and distorts the truth re dangers of drugs, the child may lose some respect or at the very least not trust their judgement and advice.Give them the facts. Don't tell them Ecstacy fun and they should take it, but don't tell them it's inherently dangerous and addictive.

Agree.

A friend has told her two daughters that they will get pregnant every time they have sex. A great way to lose trust (as well as not empowering them to have healthy and enjoyable relationships).

As for the original question: the approach I have taken so far is to keep communication open and honest (admittedly not 100% disclosure about my own usage though).

I have tried to instill that choices have consequences and split second decisions can have lifelong consequences. That there may be downsides or reactions to taking drugs that are not apparent until years later.

They also know that I'll be there to listen and debrief, advise, and pick up whenever they need.

I have subtly reduced the opportunity to spend time with certain kids in the past but would never 'forbid' a friendship.

Different tactics are needed with each kid, as a pp said. One of my kids is quite sporty so alcohol and pot aren't compatible with his lifestyle.

On the other hand, I was a painfully shy kid, with an unhappy home life and untreated anxiety. I was looking for a way to both belong and self medicate and had no confidence to pursue my true interests.

Oh, as a pp said, I am also happy to be used as the excuse to say no eg 'mum will send me to live with aunt Jane in New Zealand if I get in trouble one more time'.

[timtam92]

If he knows you read his phone, maybe he left it there as he isn’t sure what to do. Maybe if he is banned by his mum, it’s easier than saying no? I’m not sure, but could be a cry for help too.

[nom_de_plume]

I’m one that would approach it from a harm minimisation point of view.

I’d explain what the potential effects could be and reinforce that I’m always available and what to do if something goes wrong. Then I’d leave them to it.

I realise all kids are different but I experimented a lot with all sorts of things as a teen/young adult. The hard nose approach from my mother would have pushed me further away and had me doing things harder and faster just to spite her.

[limakilo]

What's your conversations been like with him so far?
I started experimenting with drugs at that age. It wasn't rebellion, and I had said no in the past, so it wasn't peer pressure.
I have been reading your thread and thinking "What would have stopped me?"
I wasn't worried about getting caught, I thought I was smarter than my parents and that they wouldn't know (lol).

I wasn't worried about getting into tricky situations, at that age I thought I was invincible, good old teenage brain actually makes us feel like that. I did some really stupid stuff.

I think what maybe would have made me stop was knowing the health risks, especially of smoking, and mental health and the effects it would have on my body.

Also getting in trouble at school would have sucked, so I would speak to the school about drug education programs.

A kid that age should not have a dealer, so I would mention that kid, he needs help and guidance and may not be getting it elsewhere.
Unless it is likely to result in him being expelled, it depends on your school. He needs guidance, not to be shunned.

Spending more time with my family would have helped too, it was really hard to be off my face around my family, it's exhausting trying to act straight.

Funnily enough, after I sorted my act out, I was pretty anti drugs, and now I am really interested in hemp, but not as a psychedelic, more as a health remedy.

[Tokra]

Chchgirl, on 09 August 2019 - 06:51 PM, said:

Fair call,  we're all different

It's an issue in this house at the moment lol. Bloody teens!

[purplekitty]

Navy Blue, on 09 August 2019 - 07:17 PM, said:

A friend has told her two daughters that they will get pregnant every time they have sex. A great way to lose trust (as well as not empowering them to have healthy and enjoyable relationships).

How old are they?

[Chchgirl]

Tokra, on 09 August 2019 - 08:53 PM, said:

It's an issue in this house at the moment lol. Bloody teens!

Ha ha, loads of fun hey! ! Some days I wonder how I made it out to the other end with the oldest!!

[TheGreenSheep]

~J_WTF~, on 09 August 2019 - 04:42 PM, said:

Ummm are you running two accounts here?!

So it would seem

[Mollycoddle]

Lucrezia Borgia, on 09 August 2019 - 06:23 PM, said:

would parents here suggest pointing out the recent over doses at music festivals - due largely to the unregulated nature of it, bad batches etc....? or would that be scaremongering and counter productive?

In all the cases examined in the recent joint inquest the factors indicated were to do with the amount taken, polydrug use (mixing drugs and alcohol) and high temperatures. You can't just shovel down 5 pills with a litre of straight vodka on a 40-degree day without consequences to your health and life! I agree with drug testing as it possibly may save some lives re unregulated manufacture and bad batches and it provides an intetvention/education point. But it wouldn't have saved the lives of any of those particular young people.

I do agree with you though that there's a role for education, if kids are going to take them they need to know how to do so relatively safely.

[Tokra]

Chchgirl, on 09 August 2019 - 09:26 PM, said:

Ha ha, loads of fun hey! ! Some days I wonder how I made it out to the other end with the oldest!!

Add in ASD and ADHD and ooohhhhhhhhh lol.

[SkeptiHandsOnMum]

purplekitty, on 09 August 2019 - 04:35 PM, said:

The is a really important point.
We told our children that they shouldn't ever hesitate to call us and we would pick them,or their friends, up no matter what's wrong,where or what time.

Knowing to seek medical help is important as well.

I made this promise. Though I have since started to wonder where my line is with friends. If I was called to pick up one of my teens' friends who read drug affected, what works my moral obligation be to the drug-affected's parents?

~J_WTF~, on 09 August 2019 - 04:42 PM, said:

Ummm are you running two accounts here?!

Obviously a mistake. I can understand why someone might not feel comfortable to post this under their more recognisable user name. How does pointing out that you noticed help?

Mollycoddle, on 09 August 2019 - 10:24 PM, said:

In all the cases examined in the recent joint inquest the factors indicated were to do with the amount taken, polydrug use (mixing drugs and alcohol) and high temperatures. You can't just shovel down 5 pills with a litre of straight vodka on a 40-degree day without consequences to your health and life! I agree with drug testing as it possibly may save some lives re unregulated manufacture and bad batches and it provides an intetvention/education point. But it wouldn't have saved the lives of any of those particular young people.

I do agree with you though that there's a role for education, if kids are going to take them they need to know how to do so relatively safely.

I think that, for me, the discussion is around the fact that having one component of drug or alcohol on board impacts your decision making, and you end up taking risks with behaviour or polypharmacy, and that is where things come undone.

[Overtherainbow]

I have teens who are similar ages. They can tell me some of the chn experimenting and others who are regular uses. They chose to omit names to keep things confidential for those teens because they don’t want me to judge those teens because of their choices.

If I knew the names, I wouldn’t go to the school. If I was close to the parents, I would let them know. If it was a dealer, I would let the police know.

If they were driving under the influence, I would let the police know.

I think you need to make sure your child is well aware of the risks of their choices and also how the drug will impact them. Also discuss possible poor choices while under the influence. Apart from that, it’s up to your family how you’d deal with it.

I would be looking at loss of privileges for drugs, smoking or underage drinking. I know others accept it.

All the best on deciding how to navigate this. Teenagers definitely throw us curve balls.

[Navy Blue]

purplekitty, on 09 August 2019 - 09:04 PM, said:

How old are they?

10 and 13.

[WannabeMasterchef]

Lucrezia Borgia, on 09 August 2019 - 06:23 PM, said:

would parents here suggest pointing out the recent over doses at music festivals - due largely to the unregulated nature of it, bad batches etc....? or would that be scaremongering and counter productive?

Did you read the link I posted earlier?  Es and festivals have been around for a long time (25 years) and up til now not many people had died but there have been quite a few recently.
Something has changed recently and its very scary. It may be the sniffer dogs, it may be mixing other drugs - the other big change recently is the ability of young people to buy drugs online so theres new types of synthetic things coming out all the time and like I think dad2two mentioned young people seem to be mixing these and adding in a lot of alcohol. No wonder theres issues

But yes I would definitely mention the issues you mentioned above. If young people really have to take pills you can actually buy testing kits and test them themselves. But using a kit only tells you the presence or absence of certain things, and not the amount.

[annodam]

We have relatives that smoke weed & bongs on a regular basis, so my kids have been aware they smoke the Mary Jane.
My cousin grows a small amount for himself & his wife, they cultivate it & then smoke it.
Both their daughters & my kids have declared it stinks & want nothing further to do with Cannabis.

If the dealing & smoking is happening at School, then yes I would inform & name names but I doubt it is.
You can only arm your son with the facts & trust he will make good choices in life.

[28 Barbary Lane]

limakilo, on 09 August 2019 - 08:50 PM, said:

What's your conversations been like with him so far?
I started experimenting with drugs at that age. It wasn't rebellion, and I had said no in the past, so it wasn't peer pressure.
I have been reading your thread and thinking "What would have stopped me?"
I wasn't worried about getting caught, I thought I was smarter than my parents and that they wouldn't know (lol).

I wasn't worried about getting into tricky situations, at that age I thought I was invincible, good old teenage brain actually makes us feel like that. I did some really stupid stuff.

I think what maybe would have made me stop was knowing the health risks, especially of smoking, and mental health and the effects it would have on my body.

Also getting in trouble at school would have sucked, so I would speak to the school about drug education programs.

A kid that age should not have a dealer, so I would mention that kid, he needs help and guidance and may not be getting it elsewhere.
Unless it is likely to result in him being expelled, it depends on your school. He needs guidance, not to be shunned.

Spending more time with my family would have helped too, it was really hard to be off my face around my family, it's exhausting trying to act straight.

Funnily enough, after I sorted my act out, I was pretty anti drugs, and now I am really interested in hemp, but not as a psychedelic, more as a health remedy.

Lol you must be me. Interesting point about spending more time with your family. I was allowed to do whatever as a teenager as long as I kept out of the way and didn’t bother them so of course I did all.the.things.

I’m thinking with my own kids maybe I can ramp up “family time” to an all consuming high, and maybe push some outside school interests. I’ve noticed that kids that are really into one sport/hobby seem to be less likely to hang out doing drugs, maybe less time to do it? That’s purely my observation of course but I think it might be an option worth looking into.

[Navy Blue]

^ Yes, my DS is very sporty and sees that his friends that smoke are too lethargic to do anything too active so DS is not interested.

I don't think it has to be sport though, any interest that keeps them busy is good.

I too had parents who wanted me out of their hair, so I pretty much amused myself from a young age.

[Ivy Ivy]

I started a new school when I was 13 nearly 14, and my first friend was a girl who was a bit shady.  She invited me to a sleepover early into the new school year, and my mother, who had heard she was a bit dodgy, said no, I couldn't go.  I ended up not being friends with her, and in retrospect, I'm glad my mother put her foot down.  I was pleading, crying, yelling at my mother, desperate to make friends, stoked I'd been invited over to someone's house, new school no friends there and all, but my mother looked at the bigger picture (which I couldn't do at 13/14) and chose correctly for me.  I ended up with a far less illegal group of friends at that school, not with "the wrong crowd" (though I've never loved that term) at all.

OP I personally would ban your son from hanging with this friend outside school hours.  If he sneaks around behind your back, I'd then ground him and enforce other suitable punishment consequences (no phone etc).

IMHO you can't let your kids do illegal drugs during early/mid teens, then whine if in a few years they're abusing drugs, in trouble with police and facing a criminal life trajectory.  At some point you have to make boundary lines that can't be crossed in your family.  For me that'd come at the first sight of illegal drug buying and use (and hanging with people who did that); it may be different for other parents.

At every year 10 - 11 - 12 party in my area, there are lots of drugs, usually cannabis, XTC, other amphetamines, always lots of alcohol.  If I let my kids use pot at 14, by 16 they'll be more likely to be on the harder stuff.  I don't want their brains damaged.  I don't want them to become chronic or recreational drug users.

[littlepickle]

I would have been exposed to pot from around a similar age (before alcohol actually) and used casually through high school and uni. When we were this age our source was always someone’s older sibling so there was no direct access to dealers.
I would be concerned in this case that a very young teenager has access to a dealer who may sell other drugs. There is also the potential that they may be drawn into dealing themselves to other kids at school.
I fully expect that my teenagers will experiment but we have discussed the importance of ‘test’ doses and calling for help if you or anyone you are with experiences a bad reaction.
I grew up in a household where my parents grew pot and were occasional smokers during our teenage years. My siblings and I all experimented with drugs up to our very early 20’s and then stopped.
My only advice would be lots of open discussions, being observant about where he is going after school / weekends, impact on school, significant changes in behaviour.
Good luck

[purplekitty]

Navy Blue, on 10 August 2019 - 07:37 AM, said:

10 and 13.

I hope some sex ed. has made an appearance by now then.

The 13 year old must think her mother is unhinged.