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12 year old boy

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#26 marple

Posted 11 August 2019 - 04:21 PM

View Postrileys-mum, on 11 August 2019 - 03:26 PM, said:

Why is not allowing a 12 year old to play fortnight harsh?
I would think it might limit their social opportunities. The game seems pretty harmless to me - though agree it has some violence within the characters- from what I've seen of it, but tbh I don't have a 12 yo ( have older and younger) so maybe there is something I've missed, as it was only popular here in our house  for a couple of weeks.

#27 Lovesherboy

Posted 11 August 2019 - 04:58 PM

We have never met he girl, I live in a area that I wouldn’t let my son go without supervision ever!

I live in a rural country town with very little people around

It’s the anger issues I have with this game and the addiction to play it, he plays hockey October through to March but it’s only Thursday nights

We live a 40 minutes away from anything group/clubs so it makes it hard for when I work full time for him to attend

Edited by Lovesherboy, 11 August 2019 - 05:07 PM.

#28 Prancer is coming

Posted 11 August 2019 - 05:06 PM

You are not being too hard OP.  His behaviour is telling you he cannot control himself around screens.  He is breaking them, lying and going behind your back.

All the internet safety stuff I have been to says parents need to monitor what their children are doing on line and younger children need restrictions.  

I am fairly strict with screens, with my kids not owning any.  We do have some family ones they can use, but they all have passwords.  My grade 7 child (12 turning 13 this month, so I get the age group) required a lap top for school this year, which I was in two minds about.  I have restricted it so she has access at school, but outside school hours she needs permission.  If she is doing homework or wants access at a time I am happy for her to muck around on the Net, I give access.  She has tried to get around this, and if she does something deceptive to do it, she knows it will be longer before I give her more freedom.  She did a fake account and I took the laptop off her, not even allowing her to take it to school.  There were some school issue ones she was able to lose and I figured up to her to explain to the school the consequences of her actions.  

If you can not control what devices your son is accessing at home, maybe password protect the internet.  His behaviour sounds concerning.  And I would spend some time trying to connect with him and get into some things outside the internet.

My kid walks to school and meets up with other high school kids on the way I have never met.  I would also much rather her play at the neighbourhood park than spend time online.  I see socialising as an important part of this age group and they are wanting to establish some independence away from parents.  I don’t see online stuff as offering that many benefits and seems like it is leading to addiction and worsening behaviour in your child.

#29 Mollyksy

Posted 11 August 2019 - 05:07 PM

View PostLovesherboy, on 11 August 2019 - 04:58 PM, said:

We have never met he girl, I live in a area that I wouldn’t let my son go without supervision ever!

I live in a rural country town with very little people around

Oh good OP. I've read some horrifying true stories.

#30 Lovesherboy

Posted 11 August 2019 - 05:10 PM

Yes and I’m not going to put my children in that situation, I went to a park yesterday with 6 kids with no parents around and one spat in my sons face! I was horrified, I would be worried I would come back  and he be gone or dead!

#31 Judydoll

Posted 11 August 2019 - 05:12 PM

OP don't wish to offend you or make light of your situation but I feel that you need to find a better place to hide things when you confiscate them.   In our house we hide things next to the toothbrush, deoderant can and dishwashing liquid.  Takes days for our DS to find the hidden stuff.

#32 Lovesherboy

Posted 11 August 2019 - 05:16 PM

I didn’t think I was at the stage of hiding it until this weekend

#33 Prancer is coming

Posted 11 August 2019 - 05:30 PM

View PostLovesherboy, on 11 August 2019 - 04:58 PM, said:

We have never met he girl, I live in a area that I wouldn’t let my son go without supervision ever!

I don’t live in a dodgy area.  I don’t think it is pristine neither, but I can’t compare your situation to my own.  However, I am wondering at what age you will change your stance?  Ever is a long time and I don’t think it is realistic not to let a teen, particularly an older one, not to go anywhere without your supervision.  I totally understand no one wants their kid hurt or kidnapped.  I also worry that not letting a teen go out in case something happens to them in turn impacts on their mental health and anxiety, which can also be damaging.  A very fine line to tread.

Edited by Prancer is coming, 11 August 2019 - 05:51 PM.

#34 boysescakes

Posted 11 August 2019 - 05:31 PM

I don’t think you are being harsh at all. I don’t let my boys have online games at all. They do though get some from their dad when they are with him. They are 12 & 14.
I don’t have internet connection except on my phone. They have to ask to use my data to download anything.
My oldest has a phone so we can contact him. It has next to no data on it.
I really don’t think he will suffer without Fortnite either! My kids certainly haven’t!
Tough on what you should do now, but taking his consoles etc off him is a really good start.

#35 Etta

Posted 11 August 2019 - 05:48 PM

I have at 12yo DS. I don't live in a dodgy area so he has had freedom to go out on his own for a while now. I wouldn't even be concerned at him meeting someone he didn't know as long as I knew that they had a mutual friend (although with your DS lying I understand that you can't be sure on that one).

They know people who you don't know at school - DS has started high school and has a lot of friends who I don't know. I need to be able to trust him with his friends. He also has his own phone so we can keep in touch when he is out if necessary.

He has been playing fortnite for some time now. I think it is quite okay for 12 YOs but your DS's behaviour is certainly not okay by any means. I would certainly be looking at a technology ban for some time for that behaviour. Once you have weaned him off his devices I think his behaviour will change. But he certainly needs to earn his access to these through appropriate behaviour.

Maybe you can have some talks about behaviour, expectations and trust once he has settled down.

#36 SeaPrincess

Posted 11 August 2019 - 05:58 PM

View PostEtta, on 11 August 2019 - 05:48 PM, said:

I wouldn't even be concerned at him meeting someone he didn't know as long as I knew that they had a mutual friend.

I would want to know the nature of the mutual friendship - real life or social media. We had a presenter at school describe how she received a friend request after a school social, and since they had multiple mutual friends, she assumed she had met him at the social. She thought she'd done the right thing in checking, but he turned out to be a 60yo man, not the 16yo boy he was pretending to be.

#37 Sincerely

Posted 11 August 2019 - 06:26 PM

View PostLovesherboy, on 11 August 2019 - 04:58 PM, said:

We have never met he girl, I live in a area that I wouldn’t let my son go without supervision ever!

I live in a rural country town with very little people around

It’s the anger issues I have with this game and the addiction to play it, he plays hockey October through to March but it’s only Thursday nights

We live a 40 minutes away from anything group/clubs so it makes it hard for when I work full time for him to attend

You are both in a difficult situation. It looks like the Internet has become his main social outlet. Is there a family of one of his friends whom you trust, that they can spend time at each other's place a couple of days a week (maybe someone is in a similar position to you)?
I don't think taking electronics access away will improve the situation if there's no alternative social and/or recreational outlets. My DS started running (cross country training) by himself when he was 13, but he was already tall so he looked older and has a black belt.

#38 annodam

Posted 11 August 2019 - 06:37 PM

Just on the video games:
My 10½yo in Yr 4 has friends in his class & he has mentioned they play some games.
He tells me the types/names of games but they escape me at the minute as they go in one ear & out the other.
He knows he is not allowed to play, so does not ask.
So far, it has worked but he is only 10½, I am trying to lay the ground rules now as I know it will get tougher as he gets older.
Fingers crossed he will follow in my eldest DDs footsteps & take on Sport seriously, thus limiting screen time.

I do monitor the iPad, he cannot download any apps without me placing my Apple ID password, one which he has no knowledge of.
Like I said up thread, I do not approve of any consoles or iPads for PS kids, but unfortunately an i-device is a requirement at our school, so we deal with it best we can.
Last year, a student my sons class was Air Dropping random nude pics off the net to several kids in the class, including my son!  These are Yr 3 kids!
Needless to say, I went ape sh*t & off came Air Drop.

My friend has a 13yo son whom she allowed all sorts of games from around 9yo from memory.  Well now she's struggling to get him to do anything.
It's getting to the point where getting to school is getting harder & harder!
He dropped out of sports altogether (he was playing together with my son at one point but has since stopped) & he sits in his room most days addicted, zombie like playing God knows what & chatting to God knows who!
He has also hit puberty now & towers over his mum & she is powerless to do anything!
I do not want my son going down that path, let's face it, none of us do!


Edited by annodam, 11 August 2019 - 06:39 PM.

#39 onetrick

Posted 11 August 2019 - 07:35 PM

The trust in the mutual friend by some pps scares me a little.
I'm a teacher. We had a serious issue a few years ago with a pedophile who pretended to go to our school on social media. He (pretending to be a she...) simply requested so many people 'friend' him that some agreed. Every request from then on had 'mutual friends' and so by the time school was informed, they had hundreds of our students as friends. We had to have assemblies for students, lots of communication with parents and police- t was insane!! So yeah, OP is not being too strict not letting her son meet a random in the park.

#40 Etta

Posted 11 August 2019 - 07:47 PM

I agree with what a couple of PPs have said about the dangers of mutual friends. I meant real friends like X's cousin, or someone who went to primary school with Y - and that X or Y could corroborate.

But we are in a small community where people do know each other. OP you could suggest that your DP invite these people to your place and pass on your phone number so their parent can call you if they are concerned about their child going to a place they don't know (which you would hope they would).

#41 JBH

Posted 11 August 2019 - 08:02 PM

Have you chosen a calm time to explain why you don’t want him to have unlimited access to electronics? I also have a 12 year old son, and while he would like more gaming time, he understands that our ground rules are to keep him safe from untrustworthy people, limit the potential for addiction, keep him active and maintain his connection to the family and community. I get the occasional bit of attitude, but for the most part he gets it. I find that when things go wrong is when we say no to something without him understanding why, and at the point of it happening we’re not always in the right space to explain it properly.

#42 DM. 2012

Posted 11 August 2019 - 08:38 PM

You are definitely not being too harsh.  First thing is to change the wifi password.  Hide the devices and don’t allow him to have any of them back until he has found a way to pay for the damaged laptop.  Only allow the lap top for school purposes only, if he needs it at home, then not in his room.  He needs to give it to you when he gets home from school, ask to use it for assignments etc and give it back when he has finished.  

Change he settings on his screens to appropriate for his age. Turn off the App Store and download apps for him if he wants them and you approve them.  Delete his online chat apps.  Have passcodes and passwords for these things, if he isn’t happy with that then he can’t have them.

He sounds like he needs to earn your trust and respect and lying, breaking things and sneaking screens into his room isn’t how he is going to do that. If his behaviour improves, he can have one screen back, with restrictions, and so on.

My 16 year old step son goes on Fortnite and we often hear him arguing with people and telling us he is going to get someone banned. I’m so glad that a lap top is on,y compulsory for kids who are doing the ATAR in grade 11 and 12 because he would break it for sure.

Edited by DM. 2012, 11 August 2019 - 08:39 PM.

#43 teaspoon

Posted 11 August 2019 - 08:41 PM

I feel sad about 12 year olds not being able to go to the park.

My (now 14) son would have become destructive were it not for the local skate park and basketball courts :(

#44 EsmeLennox

Posted 11 August 2019 - 08:46 PM

Christ alive. This thread is :omg: on the people who would let their kid go alone and meet someone at a park they’ve never met IRL and is supposedly a mutual friend.

huge red flag.

Edited by EsmeLennox, 11 August 2019 - 08:48 PM.

#45 blimkybill

Posted 11 August 2019 - 08:50 PM

View Postteaspoon, on 11 August 2019 - 08:41 PM, said:

I feel sad about 12 year olds not being able to go to the park.

My (now 14) son would have become destructive were it not for the local skate park and basketball courts :(
Oh yes me too. That's very sad. is it really that bad? If you are in a small community, doesn't he know just about everyone?

I think part of the problem for you is there are very limited options for your son to occupy himself and make social connections. He can't go out to the park, he has hardly any structured activities, he is in a rural area with limited activities available. Of course the internet becomes his number one outlet.
Part of a solution for him will be not just taking control of the internet, but providing adequate alternate options. He really needs more opportunities than what  it sounds like he is getting, to do constructive activities and connect with others his age. Are there other sports, clubs, scouts, youth groups, lessons etc available which may be of interest to him? You will also need to gradually loosen the reins and let him do things without supervision too. As he enters teenage years this is important.

#46 CallMeFeral

Posted 11 August 2019 - 09:22 PM

View Postmarple, on 11 August 2019 - 03:11 PM, said:

Just out of interest why do people not want their kids to have friends?

I'm confused about this sentence - who is it referring to who didn't want their kids to have friends? Or are you suggesting that not being ok with him meeting an unknown person at a not very populated location is akin to not wanting him to have friends? I'm not sure if it was in reference to this.

I can't help thinking of Carly Ryan when I hear about this stuff. Whose mother we have to thank for much better online grooming legislation than we used to have.
Here's an article that shows how deceptive the 'mutual friend' thing can be.

#47 Lovesherboy

Posted 11 August 2019 - 10:44 PM

It’s not that I don’t want him having friends but I work full time  9-4 5 days a week when is he suppose to socialise with his friends? I live 30 minuets from his high school and his friends are on the other side of the high school, he gets off the bus at 445 every day? He can’t just go to a friends after school. I don’t have issue meeting friends at a park but I have a issue of him meeting someone he has never met at a park.

Yes I have a tight community but the park is in another suburb that isn’t a good suburb and apart from that park the closest is 20
Minute drive, again wouldn’t work after school with his bus times.

After school things isn’t possible with his bus run

#48 SeaPrincess

Posted 11 August 2019 - 10:46 PM

And if anyone wants to hear the full story of Carly Ryan, Casefile True Crime podcast has covered it https://casefilepodc...-91-carly-ryan/

#49 EPZ

Posted 13 August 2019 - 10:57 AM

12 YO meeting someone you don't know via online, would be a concern to me.  Very different scenario than going to the park with friends you know well. Groups don't tend to be a target like a solo person.

We had the local police at school telling us all about kids meeting unknown people at parks,  who turned out to be adults grooming them.  They will find any avenue possible, it's a gateway to kids. They play on the vulnerability, a 12 year old won't think a situation through and assess risk like an adult.

You can still have freedom in sport/any activities, riding to school, inviting friends on weekends but you do need to meet the person before knowing for sure.

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