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Talking with partner


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#26 lizzzard

Posted 13 August 2019 - 12:32 PM

View PostNot Escapin Xmas, on 13 August 2019 - 11:54 AM, said:



You and me both. Maybe we can send them on a ‘conversation 101’ course together... It’s hard reading all these responses huh.

I’m glad I’m not the only one! We have a romantic 5 day holiday coming up next week - no kids, tropical island, All inclusive alcohol 😋...I’ve done all the organising as it’s a bit of a reward and opportunity to reconnect after a busy year. But I have just given him one job - to do some research on how we can have better conversations...starting with our time away together. I said I didn’t mind what approach he wanted to take- buy a book on the issue with some exercises to do, write some topics, play some games.... I’m open whatever he suggests...but I want him to take some ownership of the solution. I’ve tried many things over the years without much success and feel like it’s his turn....

#27 laridae

Posted 13 August 2019 - 12:44 PM

Not a lot. The kids would be basically it. Sometimes he'll talk about work or motorbikes or something. Usually he's just saying he wants something expensive and can he get it. He doesn't involve himself in the finances so that's why he asks.
We don't talk about housework, it just ends up with him getting defensive and telling me I don't do anything, when really it's the other way around, then storming out. Don't talk about much else either. The 30 mins or so we see him a day doesn't allow much time for conversation. He leaves for work at 6:30am before I get up. I get home around 6pm, we eat dinner then he falls asleep on the couch. Wakes up again about midnight which is long after I go to bed, then potters in his shed for a few hours before going back to bed. Days I don't work I'm usually out with the kids in the afternoon instead, and weekends he hangs out in his shed alone, or goes away. He's not much of a people person tbh, and I tend to do my own thing with the kids,

#28 molinero

Posted 13 August 2019 - 12:44 PM

Day at work, how the kids are going, how we are planning to do the interior design and landscaping at our new property, money food, wine, sex, music, tv, books, films, funny random stuff we have seen online that day, housework, reminiscing about our previous trips away and discussing where we want to travel to next....

#29 seayork2002

Posted 13 August 2019 - 12:47 PM

I am waiting on the CIA tracking our text messages to each other

Me - do we want pork chops tonight?
DH - we had steal last night how about fish?

DH - you said you were going to the chemist can you pick me up something for my itchy scalp

Me - where are you I said X bus stop

I think you get the drift...

#30 ~Jolly_F~

Posted 13 August 2019 - 12:54 PM

View PostCrombek, on 13 August 2019 - 12:25 PM, said:

We talk about everything. Phone contact is all we have for weeks on end so verbal communication is really important to us.


Same. At times it’s all we have and we have to communicate well or we wouldn’t make it.

For me my DH is my best friend as well as my husband.

I am sure he wants me to shut up at times because I can talk a lot but he never says that, he listens and engages.

#31 Ivy Ivy

Posted 13 August 2019 - 12:56 PM

Our kids are primary school age and weekdays are a rush every morning and night, so lots of our conversations are about family practicalities.

I've realised over time my husband is really bad conversationalist.  He interrupts others, he can't dive deeply into a conversation/idea and take time to reflect or change his opinion, he skirts around staying superficial and repeating himself a lot, or worse, just repeating back to me something I've just said.  He cannot move conversations forward, he gets stuck.  He also tells long stories with no other point than to try and illustrate a point that's already just been made.  I hesitate to write this for fear of seeming full of myself, but basically he is not as intelligent as me, and thus I find conversing with him somewhat unstimulating, and often downright boring, unless it's about the kids.

I use friends and smart work colleagues to get my cognitive conversational satisfaction.

His parents and grandparents do this too, but additionally they've no ability to read when their audience is bored, and they just drone on and on.  The stories these people tell, stories about random people I'll never meet and don't care about, as though I've a vested interest in what their neighbour's (from 45 years ago) brother's 2nd cousin's nephew did one year -  oh and here's a photo of it in one of our 97 boring photo albums - and oh let's look through 17 albums now and I'll tell you about every.single.person.in.every.single.30 year old.photo.

WHY WHY WHY

#32 Lucrezia Bauble

Posted 13 August 2019 - 01:35 PM

kids, politics, history, books, movies - funny anecdotes, works, friends (we sometimes gossip, yes), broader family, holidays, the house, other houses - lots of stuff. we’re both pretty chatty, and we have a good rapport.


#33 Gonzy

Posted 13 August 2019 - 02:19 PM

Anything and everything.

Kids, s*x, politics, religion, money, work, news and current affairs, dreams for holidays, mundane stuff like what to have for dinner and who is doing what chore.  Nothing is off limits.  The only person I possibly talk more to is my identical twin sister.

My EX-dh and I on the other hand, often radio silence. ETA - during the marriage.  After, radio silence is welcome ;)

Edited by Gonzy, 13 August 2019 - 02:20 PM.


#34 Popper

Posted 13 August 2019 - 02:23 PM

Together 20 years this October! We talk about everything. We often pick light tv to watch together which allows us to 'talk over it' cause we can't shut up sometimes which can ruin a drama, thriller, etc. We also like going to bed early simply to cuddle and chat. We have a lot of chat it would appear!

#35 Ellie bean

Posted 13 August 2019 - 03:32 PM

Whose turn it is to wipe the 5yos bum and whose fault it is that the 5yo won’t do it himself
(I’m kidding but there is a fair bit of this sort of discussion along with all the stuff we used to talk about!)

#36 Jane Jinglebells

Posted 13 August 2019 - 04:10 PM

View PostIvy Ivy, on 13 August 2019 - 12:56 PM, said:


His parents and grandparents do this too, but additionally they've no ability to read when their audience is bored, and they just drone on and on.  The stories these people tell, stories about random people I'll never meet and don't care about, as though I've a vested interest in what their neighbour's (from 45 years ago) brother's 2nd cousin's nephew did one year -  oh and here's a photo of it in one of our 97 boring photo albums - and oh let's look through 17 albums now and I'll tell you about every.single.person.in.every.single.30 year old.photo.

WHY WHY WHY

OH GOD

My MIL is like this and so is my sister, and so was my mother (to a lesser degree, she liked to hate on feminism as well as bang on about distant relatives, which at least meant an argument rather than me sitting there with my eyes glazing over).

I do. not. get. it. Why do these people talk so much? I mean, I love my MIL, and my sister's okay I guess, but it's like they're congenitally incapable of dealing with more than a second's silence.

I'm a massive introvert and not much of a talker, so it's both weird and good that DH and I still have so much to talk about. I mean, okay, sure some of it's about Batman or whining about the cliquey school parents, but nobody said we had to be either intellectual or nice.

#37 JRA

Posted 13 August 2019 - 04:13 PM

View Postdoubledelight, on 13 August 2019 - 06:59 AM, said:

Anything and everything.  Obviously the minutae of our lives together but everything from politics to religion to our usual debates on capital punishment (he's for I'm against) sport, our vege garden, what's for dinner, who's hanging out the washing, work, friends.  We never run out of things to say to each other.

Yep.

We got together in 95, we worked together, for the last 13 years (OMG) we have been semi retired together.

#38 Ellie bean

Posted 13 August 2019 - 04:43 PM

My MIL tells me recipes. Verbally. Every step.
I do not cook.
Even if I do I couldn’t remember a recipe told to me verbally.
WHY WHY WHY
My dad does the same thing with directions- but at least I can say to him “I’m not listening dad, I’ll put it in the gps, you’re only talking to yourself now”

#39 76 others

Posted 13 August 2019 - 05:16 PM

Everything.

What we did that day even though we text constantly, books, movies/TV, what's going on in the world, funny things we saw on the internet, just everything.

Which includes thing I don't want to talk about such as nrl and I will sit there with a glazed look and tell him I'm not listening and he says he doesnt care and keeps talking.

Been together 20 years and I still see us in 20 enjoying each other's company. We go for drives together, go for a drink at the pub, just sit out the back chatting.

#40 Freddie'sMum

Posted 13 August 2019 - 05:16 PM

Like a PP - it ebbs and flows.  There's been more than a decade when it's solely about the kids - honestly, more than 10 freaking years just talking about the bloody kids.

That hurts any relationship.

We used to talk and talk and talk - pre-kids.  I can see why marriages end when the kids leave home because you have given your heart and soul to them and you look at your partner and think "I've got nothing in common with you anymore and we don't talk".  

At night time, he sits on his computer watching Netflix and I sit on my computer on EB.

#41 YodaTheWrinkledOne

Posted 13 August 2019 - 06:12 PM

What do you speak to your partner/spouse about?
What sort of conversations do you have?
Most of our conversations relate to practical day-to-day things - kids, housework, what's on this week, what needs to be done, that kind of thing. Very mundane and routine.

Pre-kids we had more time and energy to wax lyrical about life's great questions, to discuss our future etc. We don't do that half as much any more, but occasionally we do (when the right time, circumstances and energy levels are there).

Often our "bonding" conversations come when we are doing things together when it's just the two of us - like gardening on the weekend, washing the cars together.  It's not uncommon for one of us to be preparing dinner while the other one has a beer/wine/coffee and we talk about non-family related stuff then - like the latest podcast we have listened to, what's happened in the news lately.

Upon saying all that, we can definitely go a week or two (or even longer) without having a D&M convo, particularly if there is a lot going on with the kids, family, work, etc.

DH is not a natural chatterbox and that was part of the reason I was attracted to him. Being together in silence has never been an issue for us either and it's a relief not to have to generate a conversation simply to fill the air with noise. (previous partners seemed to expect that I would be a 'chatty hostess' which sh*t me off once the shininess of a new relationship had worn off a bit.

View Postseayork2002, on 13 August 2019 - 10:06 AM, said:

We don't talk 24/7, we have periods where we just don't feel like talking sometimes, nothing wrong or anything we just feel like peace really and DS talks constantly so more than makes up for it.

Sometimes DH wants to talk and I don't and the other way round

This is us as well.

View Postlizzzard, on 13 August 2019 - 10:03 AM, said:

I’m envious of the replies so far. This is a real issue for us. I didn’t realise when we married how hard it was for DH to have a conversation and a lot of the effort was driven by the courting stage.i completely understand he can’t keep it up but it makes me a bit sad because I am a talker by nature and wish I could have better conversations with my life partner.
I suspect this is more common than people want to admit.

Edited by YodaTheWrinkledOne, 13 August 2019 - 06:17 PM.


#42 MessyJ

Posted 13 August 2019 - 06:28 PM

I get the impression lately that DH wants more from conversations than I can give him. He has a wide range of interests from American politics, to home and personal security, world events, rave/dance music etc, and even better, would like to share youtube clips of most everything he's interested in!

I'm currently a SAHM and have a few close girlfriends I chat with about my life, fave tv shows, our friends etc. I don't feel particularly interested in any of DH's interests and since I'm the main one getting stuff done round the house I feel even less inclined to sit down and watch a 15-20 min video on a subject I don't care about.

I try hard to show interest, ask questions etc - but not all the time...

On the other hand, we've been married 15 years, we have the same goals and values in life and have chatted on and off about so many big things over the years, and still have many interesting chats about random things day to day, plus kids of course... but yeah, I don't feel like we're connecting with our conversations lately... :closedeyes:

#43 darcswan

Posted 13 August 2019 - 07:47 PM

We're both tired and rundown. The most I can do is hide under his shirt sometimes, which is very comforting.

But for us, conversation is not the most important indicator of our relationship health

I am someone who likes to ruminate over ideas and savour words. My DH is action oriented and likes to be hands on doing things. He'd never sit and watch sport, for instance!

So our best bonding moments are shared experiences - cooking together, doing home handiwork, boardgaming, going on a hike, just being close.

Our conversation tends to be about our day, the cats, current events and the future (ie. businesses we'd like to build if we had the time and money).

#44 PurpleWitch

Posted 13 August 2019 - 09:11 PM

I was obsessed with telling him, last night, what various body parts are worth. (compensation wise)

HALF OF YOUR PENIS IS WORTH 100K!!!

He is the grown up, not me.

#45 Gonzy

Posted 13 August 2019 - 09:26 PM

Why only HALF of a penis, and which half.

Please tell me he was into that conversation? Sounds pretty funny to me.

#46 purplekitty

Posted 13 August 2019 - 09:32 PM

View PostPurpleWitch, on 13 August 2019 - 09:11 PM, said:

I was obsessed with telling him, last night, what various body parts are worth. (compensation wise)

HALF OF YOUR PENIS IS WORTH 100K!!!

He is the grown up, not me.

That just started a discussion.
Always up for a penis conversation.

#47 caitiri

Posted 13 August 2019 - 09:40 PM

View Postlizzzard, on 13 August 2019 - 10:03 AM, said:

I’m envious of the replies so far. This is a real issue for us. I didn’t realise when we married how hard it was for DH to have a conversation and a lot of the effort was driven by the courting stage.i completely understand he can’t keep it up but it makes me a bit sad because I am a talker by nature and wish I could have better conversations with my life partner.


Your not the only one.  I find it very lonely.

#48 literally nobody

Posted 13 August 2019 - 10:47 PM

Hmm depends on my mood. We can have really animated conversations about anything and everything.. but I have to be in the right headspace. He’s a big extrovert and Im not, even tho pre kids i used to be. He doesn’t understand how having kids so close in age to each other and 2 with special needs and the other with anxiety has beaten me numb..

there are days I cannot shut up and then there are days that if I could possibly transport myself to a deserted island Id be outta here. lol. but yeah all depends on my mood. Im an extremely moody person.

#49 Ellie bean

Posted 13 August 2019 - 11:46 PM

View Postlizzzard, on 13 August 2019 - 12:32 PM, said:



I’m glad I’m not the only one! We have a romantic 5 day holiday coming up next week - no kids, tropical island, All inclusive alcohol ...I’ve done all the organising as it’s a bit of a reward and opportunity to reconnect after a busy year. But I have just given him one job - to do some research on how we can have better conversations...starting with our time away together. I said I didn’t mind what approach he wanted to take- buy a book on the issue with some exercises to do, write some topics, play some games.... I’m open whatever he suggests...but I want him to take some ownership of the solution. I’ve tried many things over the years without much success and feel like it’s his turn....
Dh and I do talk quite a lot but I don’t expect him to be everything to me (I’m not saying you do, hope this comes across the right way). I talk to my best friend on the phone for about 30 minutes each day while driving and it’s a completely different conversation to the ones I have with dh, if I didn’t have that DH could not fill that void, but then she couldn’t be to me what DH is either iykwim. I think “horses for courses” is fine, I wouldn’t want to live and parent with anyone else even though there’s some aspects of me that dh doesn’t really get or even know at all and some stuff I’m interested in that he doesn’t even know about (I’m sure he could probably say the same about me)

#50 Holidayromp

Posted 14 August 2019 - 02:56 PM

Together almost 20 years here and we can talk about anything and have quite interesting topics.

I cannot wait to get away without the kids.  The last time was for our honeymoon for five nights and dd1 was only 2.5.

After the hell and back this family has been through we are reconnecting again and it’s as if we are discovering each other for the first time.   But despite it all we could still chat for hours.




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