Jump to content

Does DH have a right to sulk?


  • Please log in to reply
48 replies to this topic

#1 Olivegrove

Posted 14 October 2019 - 05:44 AM

Hello EB

I’m feeling very frustrated amongst other feelings right now.
My usually very healthy father was diagnosed two weeks ago with cancer and he will need his kidney removed ASAP.

My DH was meant to go away for a boys type trip holiday for 10 days that he has looked forward to for 6 months.

He cancelled the trip due to my dad going for scans etc and not sure of when the surgery would took place.
The surgery is now booked for three weeks time so I guess he is irritated he cancelled for nothing.
Other than the fact that I’m going on an emotional rollercoaster dealing with my Dad’s diagnosis and him being around is a necessary support system for me.

Here is the part that is really getting to me. DH is clearly sulking he missed his trip!!!! I will catch him out having a “sigh” and ask why and he will say something along the lines of “I just wish I was on my trip that was going to be so much fun. But it’s fine.”
Clearly it’s not fine! He was meant to leave last week Friday and has spent the whole weekend grumpy.
He thinks his attitude is not obvious but it really is.
I’m starting to feel really irritated and resentful and I feel like it’s not going to be long before I snap at him.
I wish he was on his trip and my father didn’t have cancer. If only!

But maybe I should just be more sympathetic and show more gratitude towards him for canceling?

Help!

#2 BadCat

Posted 14 October 2019 - 05:57 AM

He's being a child.  End of story.

Tell him to grow up and deal with it and stop giving you the guilts.

#3 Sancti-claws

Posted 14 October 2019 - 05:58 AM

Oh grrrrrrr on your behalf!!!

NO

Either you are there as a support or you are not there as a support.

He needs to either build a bridge or get out of dodge.

I get that he is a bit upset at his trip going but I think that the initial reasoning gazumps.

#4 SM3s Fight Song

Posted 14 October 2019 - 06:03 AM

Given the circumstances, no he should grow up quit whinging and support you.  I'm sorry your dad's been diagnosed with cancer.  I know I'd be distraught if that happened to my dad.

#5 BornToLove

Posted 14 October 2019 - 06:12 AM

I think I would be okay with sulking for a day or two. It was something he looked forward to and was very excited about, I think it’s reasonable to have some sadness about missing out on all that fun with his buddies, especially if he doesn’t get many chances to do those sorts of things.

However, I would fully expect that for a trip that would have left Friday, by Sunday afternoon he would be over it. He’s an adult and he knows there will be other trips and that supporting you/your dad is more important. I would sit him down and have a very frank talk, acknowledge that he’s made a personal sacrifice and you are thankful that he made the choice to put his wife and family first. But it’s time to let it go and move on. No more sighing and being mopey about it. He needs to put on his big boy pants and move on.

#6 MrsLexiK

Posted 14 October 2019 - 06:13 AM

Is he saying that but meaning something else? I know my BIL would do this. He would be really affected by his FIL being sick but he would say it was because of the boys trip. He probably at the immediate time would think it was because of the trip too. His extremely close to our in-laws (and doesn’t have anything to do with his parents), and has known them for more then 25 years (was my DH’s best mate).

#7 SM3s Fight Song

Posted 14 October 2019 - 06:50 AM

 MrsLexiK, on 14 October 2019 - 06:13 AM, said:

Is he saying that but meaning something else? I know my BIL would do this. He would be really affected by his FIL being sick but he would say it was because of the boys trip. He probably at the immediate time would think it was because of the trip too. His extremely close to our in-laws (and doesn’t have anything to do with his parents), and has known them for more then 25 years (was my DH’s best mate).

Good point.  Could he be projecting and focusing on the trip because he's really upset and doesnt know how to deal with that or how to support you.  In which case maybe telling him how you're feeling and what you need from him might help.

#8 Riotproof

Posted 14 October 2019 - 06:59 AM

He has the right to be disappointed, but he doesn’t have the right to make sure you know he is.
Perspective is everything.

Next time he does it, I would ask him why he thinks it’s appropriate to prioritise his disappointment against your fathers I’ll health.

#9 darcswan

Posted 14 October 2019 - 07:05 AM

I’m sorry to hear about your dad. A new diagnosis is a huge shock and there are many unknowns. Take heart that treatment is getting better every day, especially if your dad has been healthy til now.

I’ve been through this 3 times now with parents. I wouldn’t have cancelled a trip for my inlaws. Cancer treatment is a long process. He probably feels that the cancellation was a waste because he’s not required for the logistics of surgery.

Still, he can mope quietly for a couple of days and then you’re able to say - hey this situation really really sucks. Thank you for being here for me. Can we put the trip behind us because your disappointment is making me feel worse, and I need my energy for dad.

#10 WannabeMasterchef

Posted 14 October 2019 - 07:19 AM

He has a right to feel disappointed, but he shouldn't be whining about it because that just adds to your troubles which you don't need right now.

Im very sorry to hear about your Dad. Sending you good wishes for his recovery.

#11 Tokra

Posted 14 October 2019 - 07:47 AM

Everyone has a right to their feelings and it's not like it was a small weekend away. I'd be bloody disappointed too and be wishing I was there!

Just because he feels like that doesn't mean he isn't feeling about your father.

I would say that you are probably more sensitive because of what you are going through.

EB has a tendency to expect that everyone react to everything perfectly and if they don't, they are jerks.

I think you are both going through a stressful time and need to support each other.

 MrsLexiK, on 14 October 2019 - 06:13 AM, said:

Is he saying that but meaning something else? I know my BIL would do this. He would be really affected by his FIL being sick but he would say it was because of the boys trip. He probably at the immediate time would think it was because of the trip too. His extremely close to our in-laws (and doesn’t have anything to do with his parents), and has known them for more then 25 years (was my DH’s best mate).

That is a really important post.

#12 SplashingRainbows

Posted 14 October 2019 - 08:57 AM

I have an in law dying of cancer at the moment. It is horrendous. She’s truly been my second mum and as a result of her illness my workload has dramatically increased, covering ways she helped us, and covering for my husband.

I’ve taken a personal day today as I am utterly overwhelmed.

It’s not nice he’s sulking, but I’d say he has a lot of emotions right now too.

#13 jayskette

Posted 14 October 2019 - 09:00 AM

dh could have gone to the boys trip then concentrate on helping your dad.

#14 ~J_F~

Posted 14 October 2019 - 09:02 AM

 Tokra, on 14 October 2019 - 07:47 AM, said:

Everyone has a right to their feelings and it's not like it was a small weekend away. I'd be bloody disappointed too and be wishing I was there!

Just because he feels like that doesn't mean he isn't feeling about your father.

I would say that you are probably more sensitive because of what you are going through.

EB has a tendency to expect that everyone react to everything perfectly and if they don't, they are jerks.

I think you are both going through a stressful time and need to support each other.


This. I would really struggle to not be disappointed and to keep my disappointment hidden even though I would know it was the right decision to cancel.

It’s a tough time for you all. I am sorry you are going through this.

#15 Wahwah

Posted 14 October 2019 - 09:05 AM

It's not mature to sulk but I can understand his disappointment. He's just expressing how he feels, but does not recognise how this is impacting you.

Could you acknowledge how he feels and tell him that you appreciate him being there when you and your family need him? It might give him some validation and stop the sighing. I understand that you are the one who has the far greater stress but this small thing might stop a bigger blow out.

#16 Sandra

Posted 14 October 2019 - 09:23 AM

My thoughts are with you and your father. We went through this the other year, and my father is elderly and I was really surprised how fast recovery was and he did not require any follow up treatment as removing the kidney was all that was needed.

Hopefully it will be the same for your father as well. I think it was nice your DH cancelled everything to be there for you and I can understand his disappointment as well.

#17 YodaTheWrinkledOne

Posted 14 October 2019 - 09:39 AM

A day or two of moping around, fine, that's not completely unexpected. But if he's still sulking a week later, then I would tell him to sulk somewhere else.

But in reality, I would probably just ignore him until he got over it. Given the circumstances you have described with your dad, I wouldn't have the mental energy to call DH on his moping, nor would I want to acknowledge his moping. So, after a few days, I would totally ignore it and pretend it wasn't happening.

#18 amaza

Posted 14 October 2019 - 09:56 AM

Have you ever heard of "comfort in, dump out"? Imagine a circle with layers. In this situation your dad is the centre of the circle. You and any other immediate family members would be on the next layer. Ex1tended family would be the next, friends the next, acquaintances the next, work colleagues the next etc.

The theory is that people should be providing comfort to the their layer and the layers next closest to the centre and "dumping out" their woes to the next layer out. So for example, you comfort your dad and immediate family but if you have a complaint about something you complain to extended family or friends further out, you don't complain to your dad. Your extended family comforts you as immediate family and complains to friends etc.

In this situation your DH has the right to be disappointed. His feelings are his feelings. What he shouldn't be doing is placing the burden of that onto you. If he wants to sulk he should be sulking to his friends and sucking it up around you so that he can provide you with comfort.

I'm sorry you are all going through this and hope your dad recovers quickly.

#19 CallMeFeral

Posted 14 October 2019 - 10:15 AM

 Tokra, on 14 October 2019 - 07:47 AM, said:

Everyone has a right to their feelings and it's not like it was a small weekend away. I'd be bloody disappointed too and be wishing I was there!

Just because he feels like that doesn't mean he isn't feeling about your father.

I would say that you are probably more sensitive because of what you are going through.

EB has a tendency to expect that everyone react to everything perfectly and if they don't, they are jerks.

I think you are both going through a stressful time and need to support each other.

This is perfect.

 Wahwah, on 14 October 2019 - 09:05 AM, said:

It's not mature to sulk but I can understand his disappointment. He's just expressing how he feels, but does not recognise how this is impacting you.

Could you acknowledge how he feels and tell him that you appreciate him being there when you and your family need him? It might give him some validation and stop the sighing. I understand that you are the one who has the far greater stress but this small thing might stop a bigger blow out.

And so is this.


It would be nice if he didn't make his disappointment so visible. But if he thinks it's not visible, he probably IS making an effort to hide it, just not very effectively. It's understandable that he is disappointed to miss something he looked forward to, and that doesn't mean he wants to go, it's just that he can be disappointed AND still acknowledge that he needs to stay. One doesn't cancel out the other.

I wonder if some part of your anger at his feelings being visible is because you feel responsible for it? Even though it's indirect, and not your fault, it's your dad, so when he expresses sadness, you hear blame? Hearing blame sometimes makes it harder for us to empathise. And feeding the cycle, when someone's feelings are not validated (his disappointment) they tend to linger. Perhaps if you released yourself from that feeling that it's because of you, and a favour from him (causing guilt, blame, resentment) and moved to a "he made the choice to stay, but is sad about what he is missing" you might be able to a) disconnect from his emotion and b) acknowledge his feelings and the sacrifice he's made. And best case scenario, that might help him be able to move on from it and support you better?

All the best, I'm so sorry it's such a difficult time.

#20 SallyJay

Posted 14 October 2019 - 10:21 AM

Was it entirely his choice to cancel his trip away?

#21 Tokra

Posted 14 October 2019 - 10:30 AM

 CallMeFeral, on 14 October 2019 - 10:15 AM, said:

This is perfect.



And so is this.


It would be nice if he didn't make his disappointment so visible. But if he thinks it's not visible, he probably IS making an effort to hide it, just not very effectively. It's understandable that he is disappointed to miss something he looked forward to, and that doesn't mean he wants to go, it's just that he can be disappointed AND still acknowledge that he needs to stay. One doesn't cancel out the other.

I wonder if some part of your anger at his feelings being visible is because you feel responsible for it? Even though it's indirect, and not your fault, it's your dad, so when he expresses sadness, you hear blame? Hearing blame sometimes makes it harder for us to empathise. And feeding the cycle, when someone's feelings are not validated (his disappointment) they tend to linger. Perhaps if you released yourself from that feeling that it's because of you, and a favour from him (causing guilt, blame, resentment) and moved to a "he made the choice to stay, but is sad about what he is missing" you might be able to a) disconnect from his emotion and b) acknowledge his feelings and the sacrifice he's made. And best case scenario, that might help him be able to move on from it and support you better?

All the best, I'm so sorry it's such a difficult time.

Epic post!

#22 daybreaker

Posted 14 October 2019 - 10:36 AM

I'm going mostly against the grain here and think he shouldn't have canceled the trip - would you have cancelled a girls trip if his Dad was diagnosed? Maybe he made a hasty decision and is now regretting it, especially as the surgery is a few weeks away.

Is it too late to go on the trip now and join his friends for the last week or so?

#23 YodaTheWrinkledOne

Posted 14 October 2019 - 11:06 AM

 daybreaker, on 14 October 2019 - 10:36 AM, said:

I'm going mostly against the grain here and think he shouldn't have canceled the trip
I agree that I wouldn't have been so quick to cancelled a long-booked, much-looked-forward-to trip until I was in a better position to know what was going to happen. I doubt DH would have either. Then again, we might operate differently to the OP and her DH, everyone reacts to circumstances differently.

But what's done is done.

 daybreaker, on 14 October 2019 - 10:36 AM, said:

Is it too late to go on the trip now and join his friends for the last week or so?
yeah, I'd be looking into this too.

#24 lost_eb-er!

Posted 14 October 2019 - 02:32 PM

I'm really sorry to hear about your dad.

I probably would have gone on the trip if we were in that situation, and so would DH. If DH had asked me to stay home, I would have, but I would have found it really difficult not to sulk.

BUT - he made the choice to stay home, and I think the comfort in, dump out rule then applies.

Best of luck for the next few weeks.

#25 Olivegrove

Posted 14 October 2019 - 04:12 PM

Thank you so much for everyone’s replies.

So just a few points. He can’t join the tour/trip as it’s a 22 hour drive and they all went in convoy.

I didn’t ask him to cancel. I said let’s wait and see till his final appt with the surgeon who then said 3 weeks till surgery. If my Dad had
gone for his surgery while he was away it would have been less than ideal as I want to be around as much as possible and he would need to help with kids, lifting etc
He cancelled anyway.

Just as a side note which I think is relevant. My brother and him are good friends and my brother was meant to go with. As soon as our dad was diagnosed my brother cancelled as he wants to be around to help with family business etc
So I think part of the reason DH cancelled was because my brother did and maybe thought it was bad form if he didn’t?

We had a bbq yesterday. I have been trying to see my family as much as possible. It makes me feel like everything is normal again when we all together and just for an afternoon cancer is gone.

DH was clearly aloof and grumpy and I felt a bit embarrassed because usually he is chatty and jovial.
My brother was also there and totally normal and made no mention of the trip!

I just felt so angry as here I am thinking I wonder if we still going to have us all together this time next year. What if dad dies etc what is the operation doesn’t go well etc
And my husband is more worried about his 4x4 trip which he has done so many times before. Also he can do it again in future.

I think I’m just going to continue to ignore his sulking and pretend it isn’t happening.
But I’m finding it more and more hard to be sympathetic.




1 user(s) are reading this topic

0 members, 1 guests, 0 anonymous users

 
 
Advertisement
 

Top 5 Viewed Articles

 
Advertisement
 
 
 
Advertisement
 
 
Essential Baby and Essential Kids is the place to find parenting information and parenting support relating to conception, pregnancy, birth, babies, toddlers, kids, maternity, family budgeting, family travel, nutrition and wellbeing, family entertainment, kids entertainment, tips for the family home, child-friendly recipes and parenting. Try our pregnancy due date calculator to determine your due date, or our ovulation calculator to predict ovulation and your fertile period. Our pregnancy week by week guide shows your baby's stages of development. Access our very active mum's discussion groups in the Essential Baby forums or the Essential Kids forums to talk to mums about conception, pregnancy, birth, babies, toddlers, kids and parenting lifestyle. Essential Baby also offers a baby names database of more than 22,000 baby names, popular baby names, boys' names, girls' names and baby names advice in our baby names forum. Essential Kids features a range of free printable worksheets for kids from preschool years through to primary school years. For the latest baby clothes, maternity clothes, maternity accessories, toddler products, kids toys and kids clothing, breastfeeding and other parenting resources, check out Essential Baby and Essential Kids.