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Setting up bedrooms with baby #3 on the way


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#26 Islander

Posted 22 October 2019 - 08:06 PM

I would avoid anyone moving bedrooms- your whole family will feel much happier if no one is feeling any more displaced than they have to. Blended families can be tough, new babies can be tough, I’d try hard to avoid any unnecessary change at this point. Baby in your office, toys in girls rooms would be my solution.

#27 Lady Sybil Vimes

Posted 22 October 2019 - 08:23 PM

View Postmoineau, on 22 October 2019 - 10:51 AM, said:

I am really conscious of making her feel like she doesn't fit, I don't want to do that

This isn’t the impression I’m getting from your posts on this.

I think your step-daughter can count how many bedrooms you have and how many kids will be living there and telling her she’ll lose her only personal space in a house that isn’t her own will feel quite mean.



#28 MGB

Posted 22 October 2019 - 08:41 PM

View PostLady Sybil Vimes, on 22 October 2019 - 08:23 PM, said:



This isn’t the impression I’m getting from your posts on this.

I think your step-daughter can count how many bedrooms you have and how many kids will be living there and telling her she’ll lose her only personal space in a house that isn’t her own will feel quite mean.

^ this.

It can be hard enough in a blended family with feelings that you never quite fit in and it not really being your home. I definitely would not be moving her because she is not living there full time. It will be an adjustment for her with a new baby and the feelings that may come with that. I wouldn’t be making waves by moving her out of her space for a new sibling.

#29 YodaTheWrinkledOne

Posted 22 October 2019 - 08:54 PM

View Postmoineau, on 22 October 2019 - 10:51 AM, said:

I gave her the option of sharing with DD, the study or the baby.

She chose to share with the baby, but as a result of behavioural issues and being really quite nasty and violent to DD we made the decision not to allow her to share with the baby as we don't feel that she can be trusted with a baby after what she did to her sister - And knowing that long term that arrangement won't work.

Not sure why you gave her the option of sharing with the baby if it wasn't going to happen.


View Postmoineau, on 22 October 2019 - 10:51 AM, said:

The girls are 7 and 9 and my SD has her own room at her primary home.

why shouldn't she stay in her own room in her father's home?

View Postmoineau, on 22 October 2019 - 10:51 AM, said:

The other factor with the baby going into the study is that the girls have all their toys in there - They share most things as they like the same things and we don't see the point in needing to buy 2 of each item so they can have them in their rooms... They play together a fair amount of the time with these shared toys in that room.

Toys are easily moved. Kids can share. I have no idea why you'd even think that you would need to buy two of any of the toys anyway. They currently share the toys now from the study/playroom, why do you think they wouldn't be able to in the future if the toys are stored in a different location?

Once our girls got their own room, we ditched the "playroom" and toys were put back into the kids' bedrooms.

View Postmoineau, on 22 October 2019 - 10:51 AM, said:

The rooms aren't quite big enough for additional desks, there is one in the study, but (And this is a little vain, but OCD..) The bedrooms are all white furniture and the study is dark wood.. for my mental health I need it to all match!!

that's fine. Kids don't *need* to have desks in their rooms, so again, that's not essential. I have no idea why you need to get additional furniture for bedrooms that are already sorted.

View Postmoineau, on 22 October 2019 - 10:51 AM, said:

I could probably do away with my desk - I do have a laptop and the printer could go in a wardrobe or in our room as its all wireless anyway...
there you go - you have already started clearing out the study/playroom already - now just prep it for baby!

View Postmoineau, on 22 October 2019 - 10:51 AM, said:

I am really conscious of making her feel like she doesn't fit, I don't want to do that - She is almost 10 though and we have spoken to her about it before.
I will be clearing out 2 rows of the cube unit that is in there for her stuff and get her a loft style bed so she can store the things that are just hers underneath.
You move your SD out of her existing bedroom and into the spare room and I am pretty sure she is going to feel like she's the one that doesn't fit in the family. She is the one being moved around to accommodate the baby, what else would she think? Unless you and your partner pitch it so that she is going into the larger room, into a 'new' bedroom and that the baby is being put into the smaller room (ie. her old bedroom), and then set up her 'new room' as a regular bedroom.

I don't see why your SD has to "share" her bedroom as a playroom or a study. If your SD's bedroom is also the study and/or playroom and it's a shared space, you are basically saying that the oldest child in the family will have the least amount of privacy, even less than the baby. That makes no sense to me. If you don't expect it of your biological daughter, why do you expect of your partner's daughter?

You have three bedrooms and three kids. I don't see the problem. Work it so that everyone has their own bedroom. Toys etc get moved back into bedrooms, office goes mobile. There is a pretty obvious solution that doesn't mean your SD will feel less than.

#30 FuzzyChocolateToes

Posted 22 October 2019 - 10:16 PM

You have 4 bedrooms and will have 3 kids. I don't see the dilemma. You need to let each child have their own room.  Anything else would be unfair.

#31 MsLaurie

Posted 23 October 2019 - 10:10 AM

OP this may be well out of line, but have you tried talking things through with a psych or someone? You seem (from an internet random!) to perhaps have some resentment towards your step daughter? A feeling like she’s taking resources (space/time/effort) away from “your” family, rather than feeling like she’s part of your family? Things tend to get pretty tricky with older kids when a new baby comes along, so it might be worth trying to knock this on the head before bubs arrives and changes everything.

#32 moineau

Posted 23 October 2019 - 11:07 AM

I actually have obsessive compulsive disorder - It isn't just a "oh no, my furniture wont match.. oh dear..." It actually greatly affects my life and state of wellbeing when things aren't in the orders that she should be.

This is also another factor as to why I am 'overthinking' things. I need things to be organised, purposeful, clean, tidy and in order.

I forget why I stop asking for advice in forums like these... Generally I just end up feeling like sh*t or feeling like I don't care enough about my step daughter. I literally do everything for her, and frequently she takes precedence over our other kids to ensure she feels happy, safe, loved and part of the family.

My SD also have behavioural issues, so if the toys are in her room there is very high possibility that DD will not be able to go in and play with them without being yelled out or hit. Plus, I don't want SD to feel like someone has been in her space when she isn't there - Also the rooms aren't big enough for all the toys to be in one of their existing rooms.

DH doesn't mind as long as SD has some where to sleep that is specifically hers. i.e not a fold out couch or a trundle bed.

As of last night however - SD is coming with us 50/50, so we are rethinking things again so the notion of her being the one to share as a space as she isn't there much, and I use the home office more than she stays at our house isn't the case now, now we feel that she does require her own space as it will be her home for half of the year.

My DD is pretty easy going, I think we will just put her in with the study in a new bed that matches the furniture in there and I will get rid of the desk and I will just work from the dining table when I need to and store my work things in the wardrobe in the nursery as the new baby's things won't need that whole space, keep SD in her current room and put baby in DD's old room.

My DH and I spent 3 hours last night measuring things out, laying markers on the floor to find a way to make it all work, keep both girls happy and when we are doing this we are also considering long term - The baby wont NEED it's own room straight away no, but he will eventually, and if we are rejigging rooms then it will be harder on the girls.

ETA - There is no resentment towards my SD - There was a time we had her full time and my DD lived with HER dad... Guess who had to share space then? - You don't need to guess, I'll tell you. It was my DD... It has nothing to do with her place in our family or who she is.. It's purely the notion that she is there the least and it's easy for others not to use that space when she is there, so it's hers when she's there, ours when she's not. It's logical not emotive.

Edited by moineau, 23 October 2019 - 11:09 AM.


#33 moineau

Posted 23 October 2019 - 11:13 AM

View PostYodaTheWrinkledOne, on 22 October 2019 - 08:54 PM, said:

Not sure why you gave her the option of sharing with the baby if it wasn't going to happen.



I explained why we changed our mind on that - We sat with her choice for a few months, and were happy to go with whatever she decided.

As I explained, as a result of some of her behavioural issues, we are no longer comfortable with that. It's something that we are working through.

#34 trillian42

Posted 23 October 2019 - 11:17 AM

How often is your SD living at your house?

If it’s a small proportion of time (eg every second weekend) then I would see it as reasonable that while she’s not there, her bedroom can be used for other purposes - as the study or the playroom. As long as it can genuinely be her space when she is there (not you running in and out to use the study, for instance), and her stuff is not messed with when she is not living there.

I don’t think there is an automatic right to have a space that’s set aside only for her use (but then, we have a 6-y-o and 10-y-o sharing a bedroom, and respite toddler in with us when they stay!) If it’s a larger amount of time, then a dedicated space makes more sense.

But I’ll freely admit I don’t know all of the ins and outs of step families and possible resentment.

Edit - you answered lots of these questions while I was posting.

Edited by trillian42, 23 October 2019 - 11:19 AM.


#35 JBH

Posted 23 October 2019 - 11:44 AM

I get that objectively given SD is not there often it might be most sensible for her to move to the office. But emotions aren’t objective, nor necessarily sensible, and they are important. Just like it’s important for you to have matching furniture, it’s important to her to have her own space, even if it isn’t objectively sensitive. I think if you want to maximise the prospects of a good relationship between your SD and her new sibling, she should keep her own space.

Edit: typed but didn’t post before your last two post, including about OCD.

Edited by JBH, 23 October 2019 - 11:45 AM.


#36 **Xena**

Posted 23 October 2019 - 11:57 AM

It might be worth going through the toys and clothes and working out storage for them. I have 5 kids in two average bedrooms (3 boys in one and two girls in the other) and they also have their toys in their rooms. We cull regularly and they each have one side of the wardrobe for toys and the other for clothes.

Could you make any space in your bedroom or living area for a study?

FTR I actually do understand wanting things to match. I found I was much happier in my home when it aesthetically pleased me and I'd gotten rid of lots of 'stuff' so there was no more clutter. This is their rooms to give you an idea of how we store it all

Posted Image

Posted Image

#37 WannabeMasterchef

Posted 23 October 2019 - 12:32 PM

View Postmoineau, on 22 October 2019 - 10:51 AM, said:


The girls are 7 and 9 and my SD has her own room at her primary home.


That's a really tricky age!  My DDs are (almost) that age and we have a baby, since the baby coming the 2 girls have been getting in each others face a lot. Honestly they would argue whether the sky is blue!

Its settled down a lot now 5 months in, but thought I would warn you that they are the age where stuff like having your own room is a really big deal.

#38 WannabeMasterchef

Posted 23 October 2019 - 12:34 PM

Xena I love the space room.  Didnt want to quote pictures  because I might break the internet..

Xena I love the space room.  Didnt want to quote pictures  because I might break the internet..

#39 **Xena**

Posted 23 October 2019 - 12:57 PM

Thank you. The constellation wall was a bit time consuming to paint but it was pretty easy and the kids love it :)

#40 JomoMum

Posted 23 October 2019 - 01:17 PM

View PostMsLaurie, on 22 October 2019 - 04:38 PM, said:

Is the study and the playroom the same room, or two rooms?

Either way, if your SD is settled in a room, I wouldn’t be moving her unless all kids are being re-allocated. At nearly 10, having space she can call her own and close the door on is pretty important, especially in a step family situation.

This. Equally as important, IMO, would be for her not to be the only child being moved. Which she would still be sharing in some capacity as a study/office anyway, if not with another sibling. If one child moves, they should all have to move I think.

#41 Dianalynch

Posted 23 October 2019 - 08:46 PM

It doesn't seem to make sense to move your dd to the study and move your desk out, and move baby to your Ds's room - it seems like an unnecessary move for your dd when baby can go straight into the study. I feel like there must be missing information for a move for your dd to be a sensible option?

#42 Lallalla

Posted 25 October 2019 - 10:51 AM

Xena I love your girls bunks! Where did you find them!?

We currently have all 3 of our girls in 1 bedroom, our 3rd bedroom is a playroom - it will go back to being the oldest kids room when she’s a bit bigger - otherwise I would totally do the triple bunk you have for the boys.

How someone is struggling with 3 kids in a 4 bedroom house boggles my mind....

#43 WannabeMasterchef

Posted 25 October 2019 - 11:20 AM

View PostFuzzyChocolateToes, on 22 October 2019 - 10:16 PM, said:

You have 4 bedrooms and will have 3 kids. I don't see the dilemma. You need to let each child have their own room.  Anything else would be unfair.

I agree - I guess the question is the use of the home office, is it a necessity for OP's work?  Could the work be done elsewhere?  Or could the room be partitioned with a screen or curtain so that each child has their own space?

#44 **Xena**

Posted 25 October 2019 - 11:23 AM

View PostLallalla, on 25 October 2019 - 10:51 AM, said:

Xena I love your girls bunks! Where did you find them!?


Thank you. DH and I actually made them. I wanted low ones and couldn't find anything that I liked that I could afford :lol:

#45 eponee

Posted 25 October 2019 - 12:18 PM

View Postmoineau, on 23 October 2019 - 11:07 AM, said:

I actually have obsessive compulsive disorder - It isn't just a "oh no, my furniture wont match.. oh dear..." It actually greatly affects my life and state of wellbeing when things aren't in the orders that she should be.

This is also another factor as to why I am 'overthinking' things. I need things to be organised, purposeful, clean, tidy and in order.

I forget why I stop asking for advice in forums like these... Generally I just end up feeling like sh*t or feeling like I don't care enough about my step daughter. I literally do everything for her, and frequently she takes precedence over our other kids to ensure she feels happy, safe, loved and part of the family.

My SD also have behavioural issues, so if the toys are in her room there is very high possibility that DD will not be able to go in and play with them without being yelled out or hit. Plus, I don't want SD to feel like someone has been in her space when she isn't there - Also the rooms aren't big enough for all the toys to be in one of their existing rooms.

DH doesn't mind as long as SD has some where to sleep that is specifically hers. i.e not a fold out couch or a trundle bed.

As of last night however - SD is coming with us 50/50, so we are rethinking things again so the notion of her being the one to share as a space as she isn't there much, and I use the home office more than she stays at our house isn't the case now, now we feel that she does require her own space as it will be her home for half of the year.

My DD is pretty easy going, I think we will just put her in with the study in a new bed that matches the furniture in there and I will get rid of the desk and I will just work from the dining table when I need to and store my work things in the wardrobe in the nursery as the new baby's things won't need that whole space, keep SD in her current room and put baby in DD's old room.

My DH and I spent 3 hours last night measuring things out, laying markers on the floor to find a way to make it all work, keep both girls happy and when we are doing this we are also considering long term - The baby wont NEED it's own room straight away no, but he will eventually, and if we are rejigging rooms then it will be harder on the girls.

ETA - There is no resentment towards my SD - There was a time we had her full time and my DD lived with HER dad... Guess who had to share space then? - You don't need to guess, I'll tell you. It was my DD... It has nothing to do with her place in our family or who she is.. It's purely the notion that she is there the least and it's easy for others not to use that space when she is there, so it's hers when she's there, ours when she's not. It's logical not emotive.

Me asking if you genuinely had OCD wasnt meant to sound snarky.   I apologise if it did.  I have a friend with OCD and it's not fun for her.




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