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Hit at school - need some advice


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#1 South Coast

Posted 15 November 2019 - 08:31 AM

I want to delete this post so please don't quote..



Thanks for all the feedback  :)

Edited by South Coast, 15 November 2019 - 01:04 PM.


#2 SeaPrincess

Posted 15 November 2019 - 08:42 AM

I’ve never heard of play fighting being acceptable at school. I’d be more concerned about that, since you can influence how the school responds, but you can’t change what has already happened.

Being forgiving isn’t a bad thing, but it’s probably different from some of the responses that they get, including demands for the other child to be expelled. It was probably a relief to the teachers that you weren’t one of those parents.
Did the tooth fairy come? Have any of his friends lost any teeth yet. He’ll have a gap for a while if the adult teeth aren’t ready to come through, but it will be less important as his friends lose teeth. They may be hurting a bit too. Have you taken him to a dentist?

Edited by SeaPrincess, 15 November 2019 - 08:42 AM.


#3 seayork2002

Posted 15 November 2019 - 08:42 AM

I would be shocked it happened, and it would take me time to get over it so I get that, but no I do not get the paranoid bit.

But I am not sure what else you want to happen now?

#4 rosie28

Posted 15 November 2019 - 08:43 AM

I’m so sorry this has happened to your son, I’d be horribly upset too. I’m not sure what else you feel should be done? I can understand being angry but they’re very young kids, so the consequence has to work for that age group. The mother certainly shouldn’t have told you she wasn’t going to worry, and she shouldn’t be gossiping to others- that would be the bit bothering me, but you can’t control that.

I’d focus on your son and making sure he’s ok, what did the dentist say about his teeth? Are the adult ones close anyway? Perhaps some special family time for him and chatting to him to help with his confidence- where on earth did he get the idea he’s an idiot? That’s an odd word for such a young kid, is there more going on at school?

#5 #notallcats

Posted 15 November 2019 - 08:59 AM

So did he punch him or hit him with something?  Surely it takes a lot of force to hit two teeth out, especially being just little kids?

Your feelings are completely reasonable.  I'm not sure what to do... perhaps another meeting with the school to go over what happened, what will happen in the future.  If regular play fighting goes on, I would want that stopped.  We had that in prep amongst the boys and I wish I had been firmer with the school about getting it stopped, as it really carried on into year one and beyond.

If the mum is going around saying your son provoked the attack, I don't think she's going to get any sympathy at all, so I put that aside if you can.

#6 JRA

Posted 15 November 2019 - 09:18 AM

They are baby teeth, they were likely to fall out soon anyway, and it takes very little to knock baby teeth out.

Was he hit on purpose or was it something that happened, as in mucking around and body part and mouth connected?

#7 Blossom11

Posted 15 November 2019 - 09:22 AM

I wouldnt be impressed if a parent was trying to justify their child hitting another child with such force that teeth were removed so dont worry about her talking to others.  

I would be angry too but for now I would concentrate on what I could  do for my child.  See the dentist amd get his confidence back.



#8 #notallcats

Posted 15 November 2019 - 09:23 AM

 JRA, on 15 November 2019 - 09:18 AM, said:

They are baby teeth, they were likely to fall out soon anyway, and it takes very little to knock baby teeth out.



I'm not so sure about that.  One of mine had a terrible fall, with a bloody cut lip, bloody in his mouth, but all teeth in place.

#9 JRA

Posted 15 November 2019 - 09:24 AM

 #notallcats, on 15 November 2019 - 09:23 AM, said:

I'm not so sure about that.  One of mine had a terrible fall, with a bloody cut lip, bloody in his mouth, but all teeth in place.
I think it depends on age and whether teeth are getting close to coming out. I have seen a few lose them barely being touched.

#10 South Coast

Posted 15 November 2019 - 09:26 AM

 JRA, on 15 November 2019 - 09:18 AM, said:

They are baby teeth, they were likely to fall out soon anyway, and it takes very little to knock baby teeth out.

Was he hit on purpose or was it something that happened, as in mucking around and body part and mouth connected?

Baby teeth yes - I reckon they were about 6 months from falling out themselves so yes, that is a relief.  He has been to the dentist and no damage to adult teeth.

He was punched in the face, my DS said it was unprovoked and I believe him.

The play fighting is driving me nuts yes, I talk to DS every day about it on the way to school and that it is not tolerated, that he will get in trouble and that someone will get hurt, and he did.
The school is onto it but not sure to what extent.

I might ask if I can have another meeting...

#11 JRA

Posted 15 November 2019 - 09:37 AM

Quote

He was punched in the face


Oh..... that is shocking

Quote

my DS said it was unprovoked and I believe him.

No matter what he did is it appropriate for someone to retaliate with a punch, at whatever age.

That said, what is unprovoked to one person can be seen completely different from another perspective.

Unprovoked may be "I did not hit him first", vs "he called me an idiot/fart face" or whatever

as an example.

Edited by JRA, 15 November 2019 - 09:37 AM.


#12 halcyondays

Posted 15 November 2019 - 10:01 AM

I’d avoid the mother- it has nothing to do with her and everything to do with your son and the school. It’s fairly horrific being punched in the face, that’s not playfighting. I’d want to know what the school is doingto stop the playfighting.

#13 newmumandexcited

Posted 15 November 2019 - 10:04 AM

That’s not acceptable and don’t accept it.

#14 José

Posted 15 November 2019 - 10:14 AM



Im not quoting at the OPs request. OP let me know if im getting too close to quoting and ill edit.

You said you think you should have acted in a more angry manner.  Im wondered how that would have helped?
You also mention you feel like you've lost the opportunity to stand up for your son- I don't understand how this is so.

Perhaps another meeting with school would be helpful for you? Let them know you don't quite understand how the incident occurred and you would like more info. E.g. what was happening in the lead up to the injury?
And ask what steps they are taking to prevent another incident.


#15 born.a.girl

Posted 15 November 2019 - 10:25 AM

 South Coast, on 15 November 2019 - 08:31 AM, said:



I'm also feeling a bit paranoid that the mother is saying my DS provoked her son to other mums, and thats why he hit out.

Can you clarify this bit?  I read it as you are paranoid that she might be saying this, but others seem to have read it as she is saying this.

#16 AllyK81

Posted 15 November 2019 - 10:32 AM

Not nearly the same in terms of severity but my son was kicked pretty hard by the class bully last week. He is also in Prep. His teacher called us and we spoke to her. The child was appropriately disciplined and his parents advised.

I spoke to DS about making good choices around who he spends time with and knowing when to remove himself from a situation. I also explained to him that we cannot get along with everyone in life but we need to learn to live with it.

I saw the mother the next morning at drop off and she said not one word to me about it. If that was me I'd have come straight over and apologised.

Kid is black listed as far as I am concerned. DS didn't go to his birthday earlier this year (because DS has formed the view he is a bully) and he wasn't invited to DS party.

If the parents don't have the appropriate response what hope is there of the child's conduct improving?

I get it OP - but there's not much more to be done aside from speaking to your own child.

#17 mayahlb

Posted 15 November 2019 - 10:49 AM

There isn't much you can do unfortunately. But your feelings are perfectly normal. What to do going forward though?

I personally would be talking to the school again about nipping the behaviour in the bud. Play fighting is not tolerated at all at my kids school. Kids found doing it are sent straight to the office and their parents notified.

I would talk to your son as ally mentioned about making good choices on who to hang out with, that he can say no and remove himself from the situation and find other children to play with. Ever roll play how to remove himself and talk about how to be a good friend.

I would also talk to the school about making sure your child and the other child are not in the same class next year, "due to a clash in personalities" is the way I've framed similar requests over the years. We have a similar child in my younger child's year group who "play fights" and it always seemed to be my kid getting hurt.

Ignore the other parent. Don't worry about them. School and other parents is frankly a minefield and I try to stay away from most of it.

#18 overlytired

Posted 15 November 2019 - 10:58 AM

 born.a.girl, on 15 November 2019 - 10:25 AM, said:

I read it as you are paranoid that she might be saying this, but others seem to have read it as she is saying this.

I'm also confused because it sounds like OP is concerned there might be some talk about her child having provoked the hitter, but not that she knows there's talk. There's an important distinction between the two.

OP, has your child demonstrated to you how the punch happened? I'm not at all suggesting he's lying; is it possible the punch was accidental as a result of their playfighting or just being rougher than they'd intended or realized?

Can you provide more context around the other mother saying she wouldn't worry about it? I can imagine being the other mother and feeling very embarrassed about my child hurting yours and losing their best friend. If you're reassuring me that you're not worried, all's good, then I'd probably respond by saying something like "If you're not mad at my child and they can still be friends, I won't worry about it anymore". That isn't the same as flippantly saying "I'm not worried and you shouldn't be either".

#19 littlepickle

Posted 15 November 2019 - 11:02 AM

When DS was in preprimary he was playing in the home corner with the kitchen set up. Apparently this evolved into a ‘robber’ type role play and my son took a frypan to the face. Resulted in a phone call from the school and me taking him up to get 3 stitches. It was 11 years ago do I can’t remember the specifics but there wasn’t a meeting with the school or any interaction with the other parent.
Sometimes things happen - teeth are precious so I understand that you would be upset. I am sure others will be able to comment on the best techniques to assist your DS with coping with his change in appearance.

#20 #notallcats

Posted 15 November 2019 - 11:19 AM

 overlytired, on 15 November 2019 - 10:58 AM, said:

I'm also confused because it sounds like OP is concerned

OP, has your child demonstrated to you how the punch happened? I'm not at all suggesting he's lying; is it possible the punch was accidental as a result of their playfighting or just being rougher than they'd intended or realized?



The OP already said it was play fighting.  It's not good enough.  Let's not excuse boys being violent.  It wasn't an accident.  He punched him in the mouth.  Two teeth fell out. That is a lot of force. I'm not saying write the kid off for life but let's not excuse it as accidental or not intended.

#21 newmumandexcited

Posted 15 November 2019 - 11:21 AM

After some thought, I still don’t think it’s acceptable but what do you want to happen? I wonder If there is nothing that can..

#22 Jenflea

Posted 15 November 2019 - 11:26 AM

Our school has a "hands off feet off" policy but they're KIDS, they get carried away, especially when playing.
And you said they were playing. It's not ideal but they're still only in FYOS and learning.

Just today I walked past 2 year 3/4 kids play fighting before class went in, no punches thrown, more wrestling though.

#23 JRA

Posted 15 November 2019 - 11:31 AM

Quote

The OP already said it was play fighting.  It's not good enough.  Let's not excuse boys being violent.

You are so right, play fighting is not on. Both children should be in trouble for play fighting.

Part of the reason schools don't allow play fighting as things go wrong,  and accidents happen, hence the saying "it will end in tears".  It could have just as easily been the other way around if they were play fighting.

#24 Veritas Vinum Arte

Posted 15 November 2019 - 11:33 AM

I will out my hand up as a parent who has been through this.

DS1 was in prep when his 2 front teeth were kicked out. DS1 did not seem too upset about it, so I did not chase hime for details. School told me it was a playground accident, that DS1 was bending down to pick up a ball as another boy went to kick it and that is how it happened.

I did not gossip to the other parents, I left the matter alone as I did not want my DS to become stressed over the matter.

Many years later (after the family involved had moved schools) I mentioned the incident to a friend. They were surprised I had finally mentioned it. Apparently the other mother had been gossiping and telling everyone it was DS1s fault for getting her DS1 angry.... and I discovered that it had NOT been as presented to me by the school but actually something that had happened in class when using their lockers (DS1 locker on bottom, other boy was frustrated DS1 was taking too long and so kicked him in the face). What actually happened was that because I had never mentioned it, the other parents respected me and realised that mum complaining how DS1 made her son frustrated that that family was the problem. As I said they changed schools later on.

As for children coping with their change in appearance, that would have naturally happened over the next 12m as they naturally lost teeth. Even me as an adult with Invisalign took awhile to get used to the new normal (my kids thought my initial lisp was hilarious). My DS2 went from having the most wonderful smile as a preschooler, to be super self conscious of his teeth as they fell out and were replaced so now at 12yrs he hardly smiles and has a stilted smile for photos.

As I said my actions were minimal as DS1 did not seem too upset over the matter and I felt that to make a big issue of the matter would be more detrimental. At 14yrs I have asked him about it and he only vaguely remembers that his teeth were knocked out.

#25 Veritas Vinum Arte

Posted 15 November 2019 - 11:35 AM

I should also add that DS2 threw his school hat at his sister to catch, she didn’t realise it was coming and somehow it managed to catch a baby tooth in such a manner that it came out. Everyone was amazed that so little was required to bump tooth out.




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