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Picking my battles 14yo DD


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#1 steppingonlego

Posted 24 November 2019 - 12:29 PM

My 14 yo DD is a bit of a handful.

We have had a lot of issues this year she has had time with a Headspace counsellor and I think has improved.

Tech and laziness is a big issue here.

I take the tech from her room at dinner time during the week and I am supposed to take it at about 1030 on weekends sometimes I forget like last night and I can see from time last active on Instagram she was on it til 2am.

She is quite sneaky in how she uses it. I have an app that allows me to block devices from the internet but she does things like download episodes of Netflix to watch later when it’s switched off or turns her iPhone off wifi unless she is using it so I can’t block it as it doesn’t show up to be blocked on the app.

If I don’t remember to remove it from her room or want an early night on the weekend then things like staying up til 2 happen.

I am trying to pick my battles but having tech overnight, especially with a child with no self control, is not one of them.

I was out and when I saw how late she had been on Instagram I asked DH to go into her room and take the tech. It was 1030 he made her get up as well.

She has now gone out in a huff and is posting melodramatic things on Instagram like “my parents think I am lazy and lie in bed all day but I just like being alone”

Her sleeping until noon is another issue she literally does come
Out of her room and interact with us at all. I have been trying to get her up earlier.

However reading on here it seems everyone has teens that sleep all day

Sooo I guess what I am asking is if I choose to pick my battle (tech coming out is a non negotiable) and let her work out when to get up even if it is 2pm and is driving me mental am I not doing my job as a parent?

Given all the mental health and physical challenges she has had this year perhaps the sleeping in is not that big of a deal?

#2 FeralZombieMum

Posted 24 November 2019 - 12:36 PM

When did she last have her iron levels checked? If she's not sticking to her gluten free diet, then it could be low, and could be linked to a few of these "issues" she is experiencing.

#3 lizzzard

Posted 24 November 2019 - 01:09 PM

Lazy
Sneaky
No self control


If you think this, don't think your daughter doesn't know it. If my mum told me I was lazy, sneaky and had no self control....I'd probably figure I may as well live up to her expectations.

#4 Ellie bean

Posted 24 November 2019 - 01:18 PM

View Postlizzzard, on 24 November 2019 - 01:09 PM, said:

Lazy
Sneaky
No self control


If you think this, don't think your daughter doesn't know it. If my mum told me I was lazy, sneaky and had no self control....I'd probably figure I may as well live up to her expectations.
That’s really not helpful, parenting teens isn’t easy. I can see my (younger) kids flaws but still love them, being blind to it and mistakenly thinking your kid is an angel never helped anyone!

OP I’d let the sleeping in go personally, and focus on other stuff

#5 Mmmcheese

Posted 24 November 2019 - 01:20 PM

Another who'd let sleeping go and focus on other stuff. Don't teens need extra sleep? I'm sure there's studies!

#6 Silvers

Posted 24 November 2019 - 01:36 PM

I also let the sleep ins happen on weekends and I am very firm on no tech in bedrooms at night.  I make sure all phones are out of the rooms at 8.30pm so they can wind down or read a book.  My 15yo DS has just got a part time job so I think this will teach him responsibility and may put an end to long sleep ins if he has to work.

I think the key to parenting teens is to let the small things slide, be firm on your ground rules and let natural consequences occur so they can develop responsibility.

#7 ~Jolly_F~

Posted 24 November 2019 - 01:39 PM

View Postlizzzard, on 24 November 2019 - 01:09 PM, said:

Lazy
Sneaky
No self control


If you think this, don't think your daughter doesn't know it. If my mum told me I was lazy, sneaky and had no self control....I'd probably figure I may as well live up to her expectations.

I think this is a very valid point. This is very much what I did. I knew the what my parents thought were my negatives ( all parents have parts of their children that annoy them, it’s not about pretending those parts for don’t exist) and even though I disagreed, they kind of gave my an out and I figured I might as well just be like that.

I hated and I mean hated being forced to get out of bed on weekends and holidays to interact with my family, I love by family and enjoy spending time with them but when I was forced I was an a*se!!

Because of that I don’t try to force my teens to get up on my schedule (obviously there are times they have to but overall It’s not something I care to make an issue) and interact and honestly feel it works in our favour because when they are with us, it’s by choice and they are pleasant and I love hanging with them.

Edited by ~J_F~, 24 November 2019 - 01:52 PM.


#8 steppingonlego

Posted 24 November 2019 - 01:49 PM

Thanks so much for the replies.

We had a good chat I told her I understood she has had a lot going on this year on top of just trying to get through puberty and that dealing with peer groups at school, school work and her own changing emotions is draining and so from now on o won’t make her get out of bed she can do whatever she needs to recharge but the tech comes out as per house rules at dinner time during the week and 1030 on weekends.

Also asked if she wouldn’t mind sticking her face out occasionally as I am very fond of it and her.

Then we ate ice cream

#9 littlepickle

Posted 24 November 2019 - 01:50 PM

I have a nearly 17 year old DD and 15 year old DS who have what most people would consider very strict rules around technology:
Both: no mobile phones, tablets, computers in bedrooms (they both know that once they finish high school these rules will be relaxed and they are free to have a wall mounted TV in their room etc)
DS (15). Mobile phone off and on charger at 7pm. He doesn’t access it again until morning.
DD (17) elects to turn hers off at around 8 as she heads off to the shower / bed.
DH, myself and the kids all have the same password for all our electronic devices. We don’t have any parental controls on.
Sleeping in - DD has always been an early riser and DS can only sleep in until about 10 on the weekends. However I would comfortably let him go to 12.
Bedrooms- this is DD’s sanctuary and sacred place: she could spend a large chunk of the weekend in there reading and only come out for family meals etc. DS bedroom looks like a hotel room and he literally only sleeps there.
Jobs: they both have to empty the dishwasher everyday and jointly clean a bathroom on the weekend.

They both have jobs but still get pocket money from us - this is based on behaviour not chores.

Teenagers are hard to parent because just like toddlers they come in all types of temperaments. If you could reduce the technology use and the Late nights you may get an improvement - likely you will need to negotiate a middle ground.

Goodluck

#10 Backtoschoolchef

Posted 24 November 2019 - 02:27 PM

View Poststeppingonlego, on 24 November 2019 - 01:49 PM, said:

Thanks so much for the replies.

We had a good chat I told her I understood she has had a lot going on this year on top of just trying to get through puberty and that dealing with peer groups at school, school work and her own changing emotions is draining and so from now on o won’t make her get out of bed she can do whatever she needs to recharge but the tech comes out as per house rules at dinner time during the week and 1030 on weekends.

Also asked if she wouldn’t mind sticking her face out occasionally as I am very fond of it and her.

Then we ate ice cream

I don't have teens yet but just wanted to say I can see you are really trying hard to do the best by your DD.  Its not coming across at all that you think badly of her. I think most of us can relate!

#11 lizzzard

Posted 24 November 2019 - 03:34 PM

View PostEllie bean, on 24 November 2019 - 01:18 PM, said:


That’s really not helpful, parenting teens isn’t easy. I can see my (younger) kids flaws but still love them, being blind to it and mistakenly thinking your kid is an angel never helped anyone!

OP I’d let the sleeping in go personally, and focus on other stuff
You can recognise your child’s behaviour is a problem without labeling the child in such a judgemental way. In my experience people in general seem to respond better when they don’t feel judged in fundamental ways - is lazy, sneaky etc. I’ve got a (non angelic) teen as well. They can drive you crazy.... I’m trying to offer the OP a different perspective that might help.

Eta I can also see you love your daughter dearly and are really trying to figure out to how manage her behaviour... I don’t mean to be critical but to point out that maybe you are unconsciously communicating judgement when you don’t mean to :)

Edited by lizzzard, 24 November 2019 - 03:36 PM.


#12 Freddie'sMum

Posted 24 November 2019 - 04:21 PM

I think you have handled this really well OP.

We have a 14 year girl here and have similar issues with tech.  My rules are no tech - phone / tablet / anything - are left in the bedroom over night.  We found Miss-14 on her device at 10pm at night after we had put her to bed !

Teenagers absolutely need extra sleep so if she is getting up in the morning to go to school, then I wouldn't be worried about her sleeping in on the weekends.

What time does she usually go to bed?  Because 10:30pm to be off her tech, seems late to me.

#13 steppingonlego

Posted 24 November 2019 - 04:56 PM

During the week she is in bed reading by 9 no tech after 7.

Weekends 1030.

She has bouts of insomnia and her psychologist said it was ok to get up have milk read a book when she was awake at night but no screens.

She also said to learn to listen to her bodies sleep cues so as long as she is in bed reading I don’t say lights out at any particular time but they are usually out during the week by 930-10

#14 EsmeLennox

Posted 24 November 2019 - 05:10 PM

I’m seeing a lot of discussion in this thread which makes me think that these teens, young adults, are being treated like children.

Even at 14, I think it’s reasonable to negotiate with them...give a bit on things that don’t matter so much... does it really matter if they stay up late on the weekend? Let them have some control. They will learn. If you’re flexible around small things, it’s easier to draw a hard line when really needed.

I think we’re becoming more and more prone to treat teens like small children. They need to make some of their own choice and mistakes.




#15 MarciaB

Posted 24 November 2019 - 05:23 PM

I would (and do) not care about the sleep-ins on weekends.

However I too was pretty tough on no devices at night time in the bedrooms, even on weekends at age 14.  However I extended the time on weekends to 10.30 as you have done.  Through the week - no tech after 8.30pm (so a little later).

Maybe trial some later times in the holidays.

I also try to make a point to do "something" Sunday afternoons as a family.  It started when they were small with a family outing choice (picnic, trip to the beach, to a movie - etc).  Now we aren't so structured (my eldest is 18 and often works Sunday afternoon) - but I still try to do something with my 16yo if she is home.  So this afternoon (DH, DD2 and I) went for a walk and grabbed a coffee/juice on the way back.

Otherwise she would have been watching TV/on her phone/laptop all afternoon.

#16 MarciaB

Posted 24 November 2019 - 05:29 PM

View PostEsmeLennox, on 24 November 2019 - 05:10 PM, said:

I’m seeing a lot of discussion in this thread which makes me think that these teens, young adults, are being treated like children.

Even at 14, I think it’s reasonable to negotiate with them...give a bit on things that don’t matter so much... does it really matter if they stay up late on the weekend? Let them have some control. They will learn. If you’re flexible around small things, it’s easier to draw a hard line when really needed.

I think we’re becoming more and more prone to treat teens like small children. They need to make some of their own choice and mistakes.

They also need some guidance and sometimes if they can't self-regulate the tech in order to get adequate sleep - they do need parents to step in.

If the OP's dd has problems with sleeping/insomnia (as she has said she has sought professional help for) - she needs some help in managing this.  In my experience - having a regular sleep/wake time during school weeks (with some flexibility on weekends - but not extreme) is the way to manage this.

(Parent of 2 teens here age 18 and 16 and the 18 year old has turned out to be rather independent and responsible despite having parents who stepped in on many occasions to take technology away so she would get adequate sleep!).

#17 Lifesgood

Posted 24 November 2019 - 05:42 PM

The sleeping in part is not really all that worrisome. No harm can come of it - the opposite in fact, teens need plenty of sleep.

Tech through the night on the other hand is not ok at that age. She is a vulnerable young person who definitely still needs supervision and protection and a decent break from the relentlessness of social media.

Our rule has been - and will continue to be - no tech in bedrooms. That means no TV (we have never had TVs in bedrooms), no phones, tablets or computers. DD13 has started taking her Chromebook into her room to "study" but after finding her watching youtube/shows/wasting time I have put a stop to that as well. She studies in the living areas and I am setting up a study room for her to use.

The devices all get put away at 9.00pm during the week and thats it till the next day. If she has to cram for school late into the night (not ideal either!) it happens at the dining table.

I'd continue to battle over tech.

#18 EsmeLennox

Posted 24 November 2019 - 08:17 PM

View PostMarciaB, on 24 November 2019 - 05:29 PM, said:



They also need some guidance and sometimes if they can't self-regulate the tech in order to get adequate sleep - they do need parents to step in.

If the OP's dd has problems with sleeping/insomnia (as she has said she has sought professional help for) - she needs some help in managing this.  In my experience - having a regular sleep/wake time during school weeks (with some flexibility on weekends - but not extreme) is the way to manage this.

(Parent of 2 teens here age 18 and 16 and the 18 year old has turned out to be rather independent and responsible despite having parents who stepped in on many occasions to take technology away so she would get adequate sleep!).

Indeed...which is what I meant by when you need to draw a ‘hard line’, and guidance comes through negotiation and discussion.

(Parent of 3 teens here...who also steps in when required, but also allows them to make some decisions and learn through natural consequences, or, when necessary ‘the hard way’.)

Edited by EsmeLennox, 24 November 2019 - 08:18 PM.


#19 lozoodle

Posted 24 November 2019 - 08:36 PM

Agree re guidance. Heck, even adults need it with tech at night sometimes. I know full well I get a better sleep and feel better in general when I avoid it, yet I still use it...

No advice as I'm not at that stage with my kids yet, just hope you find something that helps

#20 Prancer is coming

Posted 24 November 2019 - 08:41 PM

I have a 13yo.  I would let the sleeping thing go.  But at the same time, would try and have some things happening so they want to get out of their room.  Let’s go shopping/bike riding/out for lunch or whatever.  You also know your DD and her mental health issues. There is a difference between sleeping in and shutting herself off from the world and all social interactions.  

I don’t do tech in the bedroom neither.  It interferes with sleep plus you don’t want them getting into any social media dramas in the middle of the night.  I have now put the onus on her to have it on the kitchen bench before she goes to sleep.  Before, I would need to remember and so easy to forget.  I made it clear if she forgot to put it out, she would lose it for a few days.  Sure enough she forgot and since  she lost it for a few days has never forgotten again!

My kid has always been feisty and I pick my battles.  I do always try to find some time at night to chat one on one before bed as that is when she is most likely to tell me if there is anything wrong.  If she is having a period of really pushing my buttons, I make an effort to make sure we do something nice and have some moments that are not all negative.

#21 ajo

Posted 24 November 2019 - 09:36 PM

Try and have a set time her phone is to come out at night and be placed on charge ( we chose the kitchen ) for weeknights and a bit later for weekends - the onus is on her to action this and if she doesn’t she losses the phone for a period of time. We found this mostly worked and meant we at least were trying to ensure sleep was happening.

I also wouldn’t mind the odd sleep in but perhaps one day sleep late and the next get up for family time, on the weekend, Goodluck I thought toddlers were hard but they are mild in comparison to teenagers!!

#22 aquarium2

Posted 25 November 2019 - 08:37 AM

I would make her responsible for having the phone/tech out of the bedroom by the right time.

With my 17 year old, no phone after 9pm on any day and never to be in his room overnight. If he forgets, then he loses it for 24 hours. I don't have the time or the will to be running around after him to make sure his phone is in the right place.

Agree the staying in their rooms is difficult, we give him chores around the house like light gardening, cleaning window frames, sweeping the deck etc. Plus no food upstairs and all meals are eaten together. No devices at the table including adults. He also cleans up and packs the dishwasher afterwards.

We go for long breakfasts out once a weekend and that helps break up the long periods on his own.

#23 Lady Monteagle

Posted 25 November 2019 - 09:03 AM

Big sleep-ins on the weekends can be crucially important to someone with insomia and related sleep issues.  My parents were super strict on all things except they didn't care how late I slept on the weekends, which is the only thing that worked to the positive for my mental health as a teen.

#24 Tinkle Splashes

Posted 25 November 2019 - 09:10 AM

I had a similar DD (21 now). At that age she was very creative about getting online. She has multiple smart devices, which were given to her by friends to try to get around my rules around tech. I kept finding them but wasn’t toooo worried because she didn’t have the wifi password.

I eventually found out that my neighbours had given her their wifi password when she babysat for them one time. Sneaky is an apt word sometimes.

You have my sympathies OP.

#25 SFmummyto3

Posted 25 November 2019 - 09:21 AM

View PostMarciaB, on 24 November 2019 - 05:23 PM, said:


I also try to make a point to do "something" Sunday afternoons as a family.  It started when they were small with a family outing choice (picnic, trip to the beach, to a movie - etc).  Now we aren't so structured (my eldest is 18 and often works Sunday afternoon) - but I still try to do something with my 16yo if she is home.  So this afternoon (DH, DD2 and I) went for a walk and grabbed a coffee/juice on the way back.

Otherwise she would have been watching TV/on her phone/laptop all afternoon.

Thank you for this suggestion! I have three mid/older teens and I think have been mourning the loss of our together family time. It's difficult when everyone is on different schedules and I've been trying to come up with when the best time might be to suggest a regular outing or meal out. So I'm going to propose this Sunday afternoon time to everyone and stick to it, at least most weekends, and see how we all go.

I find parenting teenagers 1000 times more difficult than when they were little!




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