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Posted 24 November 2019 - 08:38 PM
I came across something this evening which suggests my DD15 may be considering if she is bi
I have absolutely no problem with this, it really wouldn't factor on my radar if she was, I kissed a girl or two when I was her age.
My question is, if she does ever raise this with me, how do I react?
I would naturally just say, cool, no issue with me, and I would probs tell her that I kissed a girl at her age. That love is more about people than what gender they are.
I don't know if this is the right thing to do.
I understand there can be anxiety in telling a parent something like this and I want to make sure I don't underplay it
Does that make sense at all?
I have always had a straight faced honesty with her about sex etc so if she ever asked about that aspect, I wouldn't flinch.
I just don't want to get it wrong if she ever does talk to me about it
Posted 24 November 2019 - 08:48 PM
If she's coming out as bi (as opposed to bi-curious) then don't downplay it with "plenty of girls experiment" or anything like that. Tell her what you did, yes, and maybe why (are you attracted to girls, was it curiosity, was it this one girl) etc. but it's likely she's saying she has romantic feelings too, and doesn't want those minimised. If not now, then in the future, this could play through her head. Being bi (or gay, potentially) would be her identity, not just a fleeting moment.
By the time you actually come out to your parents, you've done so much working through it in your head, on your own, potentially with others (friends/ family/ a partner). By the time you've come out, you're now certain - as certain as you can ever be to 'label' yourself. But often it's a shock to THEM, and they process it all - sometimes verbally - as you're coming out.
Edited by gemgirl, 24 November 2019 - 08:50 PM.
Posted 24 November 2019 - 08:51 PM
Thank you gem girl
That is exactly the advice I was after
I don't want to down play it but didn't want to make a thing about it either, I was to let her know that who ever she is that I love her
Posted 24 November 2019 - 08:57 PM
I kissed a girl or two when I was her age.
I would naturally just say, cool, no issue with me, and I would probs tell her that I kissed a girl at her age
I'd be really careful about saying this....I know it's not your intent at all, but it almost comes across at "it's just a phase you're going through".
I know the instinct to respond with your experience as a point of commonality, but I think a stronger focus on what she says and responding directly to that might be better as the immediate response.
Posted 24 November 2019 - 09:01 PM
Definitely not my intention to minimise, I was thinking it would show her that I am ok with it all.
I understand your point and is the reason why I am asking.
I don't want to get it wrong
Posted 25 November 2019 - 05:51 AM
I think maybe even just acknowledging to her that there is a spectrum - that is, completely heterosexual, heterosexual but experimenting like you did, completely bisexual, completely homosexual etc. - and that wherever she falls on that spectrum is ok by you and you will love her and support her no matter what. And also that if she doesn’t know for sure where she is on that spectrum just yet that is also completely fine, you are with her for the long haul.
ETA: I don’t think you will get it wrong, because you have the right attitude about it. Your priority is your daughter’s wellbeing and making sure that she knows that you support her. You’re doing a great job x
Edited by 400, 25 November 2019 - 05:53 AM.
Posted 25 November 2019 - 07:48 AM
Basically just make sure she knows that it doesn't matter to you who you love, as long as whoever she chooses to be in a relationship with is respectful and loves her.
If she's feeling confused about her sexuality, you can always give her the message that it's ok to not label yourself, and just love who you want to love.
Posted 25 November 2019 - 08:04 AM
Would it be worth trying to watch a tv show together that involves a bi character and letting it come up naturally?
Its not the same but recently we've been watching Brooklyn 99 as a family. A few days after the 'rosa is bi' episode my then 11yo asked her stepdad and I how we would feel if she came out as bi or gay. It opened up a big free discussion that continues to come up about how as long as you're happy and safe and 'consenting' (age appropriate) we have no problem with who you love. She has since decided at 12 that she is bi. And attracted to people for who they are not their gender.
Thats a very simplistic version of an obviously large topic. But it has opened the communication of our house.
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