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Need a grandparents perspective


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#51 Sweet.Pea

Posted 29 November 2019 - 05:59 PM

I thought everyone had it. I know my parents did and my inlaws said they did.

They didn't. Next time I want to see a certificate.

I don't care what they did in the 1980's, we aren't living then.

#52 #mocha

Posted 29 November 2019 - 06:13 PM

If that was my family, I’d be inclined to sit down and ask calmly, without judgement and see what their reasons were.  

Usually when people say no there is a reason.  It’s totally your choice to allow or not the grandparents to see the twins. But maybe you will feel better about their choices if you understand.

#53 magic_marker

Posted 29 November 2019 - 06:16 PM

View Post#mocha, on 29 November 2019 - 06:13 PM, said:

If that was my family, I’d be inclined to sit down and ask calmly, without judgement and see what their reasons were.  

Usually when people say no there is a reason.  It’s totally your choice to allow or not the grandparents to see the twins. But maybe you will feel better about their choices if you understand.

I think the risk to the twins lives trump any reason they could give as why they would say no.

#54 born.a.girl

Posted 29 November 2019 - 06:19 PM

View Postmagic_marker, on 29 November 2019 - 06:16 PM, said:

I think the risk to the twins lives trump any reason they could give as why they would say no.


Absolutely!

Only issue I see is that Gracie really needs the support she was hoping to get from them.

That does rather require a different conversation from 'tough luck, see you in a few months', because there goes her support.

I don't have any answers for it, though.

#55 quartz85

Posted 29 November 2019 - 06:35 PM

Our parents got vaccinated, no problems.

It's important to remember that it is being vaccinated while pregnant that will give the babies immunity until they get their six week vaccinations.

The reason that they disocontinued fee vaccines for family was that it wasn't working in preventing whooping cough in new borns. So while it may seem like a good idea that they get a booster, and it would be of benefit for their health, it's unlikely to benefit a baby when their mum was vaccinated during pregnancy.

Would I stop a grandparent from visiting? At the time, I probably would have. But in hindsight if they were healthy at the time, it would have been unnecessary.


#56 McG2013

Posted 29 November 2019 - 06:44 PM

I had this convo with my mother before kids were even on the horizon and she told me she wouldn't be getting a whooping cough vax because she would know if she had it 🙄

I told her right then and there she wouldn't be around any of my kids for a long time then. When the time came she had the whooping cough vax and the flu jab because she knew she'd not be let in our house otherwise and my eldest was born in winter.

I'd send out a final text asking they get vaccinated and have proof for hospital visits and if they still don't want to, let them know you respect their decision but they won't be visiting until baby is vaccinated +2 weeks for immunity to kick in. Might push their hand, might make them annoyed but your babies come first.

#57 EsmeLennox

Posted 29 November 2019 - 06:57 PM

View Postquartz85, on 29 November 2019 - 06:35 PM, said:

Our parents got vaccinated, no problems.

It's important to remember that it is being vaccinated while pregnant that will give the babies immunity until they get their six week vaccinations.


Whilst this is true, the WC vax has one of the lowest efficacies, so it’s not unreasonable to ask for those close to be vaccinated in case the vaccination the mother has isn’t as effective as it should be.

My twin nephews were 4 months old when two of my fully vaccinated children contracted WC. The more people vaccinated the better.

It’s tough OP, but unless your parents and PIL have a medical reason for not vaccinating,then they’re being pig headed asshats and I’d be looking for support elsewhere.

Edited by EsmeLennox, 29 November 2019 - 06:57 PM.


#58 ipsee

Posted 29 November 2019 - 07:00 PM

I thought my mum had had it after I asked but she never did. She got one in a mad rush when a relative had a premmie baby years later. Which is when I found out she never did it the first time around. thanks mum!

I think for her it was just slackness, and also thinking it didn't matter all that much, they never worried about that in their day etc.

#59 Meemaw

Posted 29 November 2019 - 07:13 PM

As a grandparent I cannot imagine refusing to get a shot to protect my grandchildren.  Even when I'm asked to do things that I don't agree with I still do because they are not my children and I feel very lucky to be able to share in their lives - why would I risk that by trying to prove a point?

I would enforce the no vax no visit if it was me - I realise you need help but if something happened would it be worth the cost?

#60 born.a.girl

Posted 29 November 2019 - 07:19 PM

From the OP:

Quote

I don't want to threaten no vax no visit because we will really need the help





It would be great if the EB brains trust could come up with wily ways to get both sets of parents to oblige, while at the same time making sure the relationship stays good enough for the needed support to be available.

#61 seayork2002

Posted 29 November 2019 - 07:25 PM

View Postborn.a.girl, on 29 November 2019 - 07:19 PM, said:

From the OP:




It would be great if the EB brains trust could come up with wily ways to get both sets of parents to oblige, while at the same time making sure the relationship stays good enough for the needed support to be available.

But when granparents try and help they are labelled as interferring.

I would hope that granparents are more then people to be used when needed.

#62 Bigbaubles

Posted 29 November 2019 - 07:47 PM

No one in my family hesitated. Even my brother went out and got it without question.

Good luck OP, I honestly don't know why they wouldn't do it..

#63 #mocha

Posted 29 November 2019 - 07:49 PM

View Postmagic_marker, on 29 November 2019 - 06:16 PM, said:



I think the risk to the twins lives trump any reason they could give as why they would say no.

I totally agree with you.  But if it was me I’d still like to know why? Poorly educated, feeling forced, scared of needles, scared of vaccines, stubbon, difficult to get into the Gp, inconvenience, financially or just plain stupid.

#64 Etta

Posted 29 November 2019 - 08:15 PM

View Postseayork2002, on 29 November 2019 - 07:25 PM, said:

But when granparents try and help they are labelled as interferring.

I would hope that granparents are more then people to be used when needed.

I don't think OP has labelled her parents and PIL as interfering - she has indicated that she would like their help. People can be helpful AND interfering - one doesn't exclude the other, although this is not the issue here.

The issue with the no jab no play rule is that OP doesn't want to prevent visits because she would really appreciate their help. I don't see it as using your parents if you hope they will help. I do things for my parents and vice versa. I never feel used!

#65 Sweet.Pea

Posted 29 November 2019 - 08:18 PM

View Postborn.a.girl, on 29 November 2019 - 07:19 PM, said:

From the OP:




It would be great if the EB brains trust could come up with wily ways to get both sets of parents to oblige, while at the same time making sure the relationship stays good enough for the needed support to be available.

OP could send everyone a message similar to the one below -

We respect your decision regarding the whooping cough vaccination. While we would love you all to have the vaccine, we understand that it's not practical for everyone.

As such, after much research and consideration, we have decided that the twins will be available to meet those not vaccinated, 8 weeks after their birth. Should you decide to get the vaccination, we would love you to visit no sooner then two weeks after your vaccination, or when they are born (whichever is first).

Please be aware that this is not a decision we have made lightly, and while it may diminish the amount of helpers we have on hand, we need to respect the twins right to a healthy environment.

If you are thinking about having the vaccine, but aren't sure about the benefits, please reach out and we can share our information. We would love to have all our family and friends around us to celebrate the arrival of our babies.

#66 can'tstayaway

Posted 29 November 2019 - 08:23 PM

View Postgracie1978, on 29 November 2019 - 03:06 PM, said:

OMG that's an awesome story.  Nothing better than friends who call you out when you're being s**t.
I think what I learned from that was my ILs accept information and requests so much better from other people than from me.  I guess they don’t respect me enough to put any weight in my opinions. Annoying but hey, family.

#67 Grrrumbles

Posted 29 November 2019 - 08:49 PM

My FIL doesn’t listen to a word I say. Its only a good idea if it is his. I think it is a ‘respect your elders’ thing so some ridiculous things have come out of his mouth and I never challenge it.

We did have to ask him not to touch our infant sons penis in the bath as he was worried the foreskin wouldn’t retract. That was a fun conversation!!

#68 SeaPrincess

Posted 29 November 2019 - 09:19 PM

I’ve said this in another thread, so apologies if you’ve read it before.

Mum got her vaccination, but Dad is anti-doctor and was resisting. Even though my sister had whooping cough as an adult, my parents seemed to think they wouldn’t/couldn’t catch it because (Mum’s words) “Where would Dad catch whooping cough from?” i asked her where she thought my sister got it, and Dad had his done the following week.

Dad’s main resistance to doctors seems to be that they will advise him on health issues that he’s not willing to change. He had it done at the travel vaccination clinic.

#69 400

Posted 29 November 2019 - 09:45 PM

My MIL is severely allergic to the vaccination and when I was pregnant with DS she approached me (I had not brought up vaccinations yet) to tell me, apologise that she couldn’t get it, like she has any control over it, and explain that she understood if she couldn’t touch the baby until he had his vaccinations. I just employed her (and she was very happy to do so, it was her idea) to make everyone she knew get the vaccine to protect her because of course I’m not going to withhold her first grandchild from her for a reason that she has no control over. If she had even encountered someone who had a runny nose, even if she was well, she would steer well clear. Bless her.

Her behaviour is what makes me so mad about inconsiderate people who only think of themselves and either refuse to get vaccinated when requested or lie about it! a**holes.

I really hope they suck it up for you Gracie. You’re going to have your hands full and what a shame if you have to turn people away because they are selfish.

#70 MsLaurie

Posted 29 November 2019 - 09:51 PM

I think there can be an odd “but the other kids were fine” contrariness and guilt to it. My auntie’s two daughters were pregnant at the same time, about 6 mos apart. The older daughters baby came 2 months early, and while the vax has been talked about, it hadn’t happened when the baby suddenly arrived.
My aunt was then were really weird and insistent that she didn’t need to get it ahead of her younger daughter’s baby, as it was going to be at term and the other one was fine and what a lot of fuss.
It became a strange “treating them equally” thing.

#71 Datrys

Posted 29 November 2019 - 09:55 PM

View PostSweet.Pea, on 29 November 2019 - 08:18 PM, said:

OP could send everyone a message similar to the one below -

We respect your decision regarding the whooping cough vaccination. While we would love you all to have the vaccine, we understand that it's not practical for everyone.

As such, after much research and consideration, we have decided that the twins will be available to meet those not vaccinated, 8 weeks after their birth. Should you decide to get the vaccination, we would love you to visit no sooner then two weeks after your vaccination, or when they are born (whichever is first).

Please be aware that this is not a decision we have made lightly, and while it may diminish the amount of helpers we have on hand, we need to respect the twins right to a healthy environment.

If you are thinking about having the vaccine, but aren't sure about the benefits, please reach out and we can share our information. We would love to have all our family and friends around us to celebrate the arrival of our babies.

Maybe it's just my family, but I don't think that protects the relationship at all.  It comes across as very controlling and "You will only have a relationship on the terms I dictate."  I wouldn't be surprised if grandparents receiving that had a response similar to, "Fine, then.  Good luck.  See ya."  (Surely that's not just my MIL?)

if the OP's aim is to preserve the relationship, I would think she has to be willing to let go of control a little.

#72 TrixieBelden

Posted 29 November 2019 - 10:09 PM

Hard to see what’s controlling or ‘telling people what to do’ about passing on accurate health information that helps them protect themselves and a baby they presumably care about.

People are of course entirely free to decide that their own ignorance is more precious than their grandchild. Prizing one’s one stupidity above all things is an admired characteristic in Australia.

#73 IamOzgirl

Posted 29 November 2019 - 10:20 PM

My MIL was digging her heels in and I somehow convinced her to go to the GP and ask their advice. She rung a week later to whinge that she had,had it done "he made me have 3 shots!"

I didn't understand until I had mine and realised the 3 in 1.

Was still stunned she tried to imply she had 3 needles!

Could you try that Gracie, ask them to ask their respected GPs advice?

#74 Riotproof

Posted 29 November 2019 - 10:28 PM

View PostDatrys, on 29 November 2019 - 09:55 PM, said:

Maybe it's just my family, but I don't think that protects the relationship at all.  It comes across as very controlling and "You will only have a relationship on the terms I dictate."  I wouldn't be surprised if grandparents receiving that had a response similar to, "Fine, then.  Good luck.  See ya."  (Surely that's not just my MIL?)

if the OP's aim is to preserve the relationship, I would think she has to be willing to let go of control a little.

But given we know what whooping cough does to babies, why wouldn't you just comply?

#75 Sweet.Pea

Posted 30 November 2019 - 01:54 AM

View PostDatrys, on 29 November 2019 - 09:55 PM, said:



Maybe it's just my family, but I don't think that protects the relationship at all.  It comes across as very controlling and "You will only have a relationship on the terms I dictate."  I wouldn't be surprised if grandparents receiving that had a response similar to, "Fine, then.  Good luck.  See ya."  (Surely that's not just my MIL?)

if the OP's aim is to preserve the relationship, I would think she has to be willing to let go of control a little.

To be fair, the only relationship being formed in the first 8 weeks of life is for the adults benefit. The baby isn't going to remember whether or not they saw the grandparents at 12 weeks old, let alone 2 weeks old.

The adult not getting the vaccine 'just because' is exposing risk to the newborn. I would say they are trying to control the situation more then the parents are. When you have a child, you do whatever is best for the child, not selfish adults. If your family sees that as controlling, then they need a reality check. Respect goes both ways.




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