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#51 literally nobody

Posted 03 December 2019 - 12:44 PM

 Romeo Void, on 03 December 2019 - 12:34 PM, said:

I think that's lovely.  Around our way there's this weird dynamic where men talk to men and women talk to women...and they don't really mix.  I feel like I've stepped into the 50's sometimes.

OP I bet you're a wonderful hostess who makes her guests feel so comfortable they keep coming back. Royal pain in the bum...but also a compliment?

oh thank you. :) yes it doesn’t help that mum brought me up to always put something out no matter who dropped by or offer a drink or whatever. Funny enough people always comment that Im such a relaxed person yet I don’t feel that way inside. Inside im a basket case.

#52 Hollycoddle

Posted 03 December 2019 - 02:29 PM

Maybe you could try something like this?

Posted Image

#53 literally nobody

Posted 03 December 2019 - 03:39 PM

 Mollycoddle, on 03 December 2019 - 02:29 PM, said:

Maybe you could try something like this?

Posted Image

GOLD!!  i want one, haha.

#54 22Fruitmincepies

Posted 03 December 2019 - 06:13 PM

A friend recently was sitting as their children played, when the host stood up and announced that the visitor was leaving and to pick up at X time. Visitor was surprised to be bundled out the door when she actually wasn’t 100% comfortable leaving her (FYOS) child there alone. I don’t think there will be more play dates (and it was set up by the host). So you could always try that, just tell them that they are leaving :lol:

#55 ExpatInAsia

Posted 03 December 2019 - 06:43 PM

I would pick up the child for the play date and drop them home.

#56 PoolsideMasterchef

Posted 03 December 2019 - 07:01 PM

 Ellie bean, on 03 December 2019 - 12:01 PM, said:

I really like having my kids friends over but tbh it’s mostly because my weird kids behave better with friends around! I worry we are screwing ours up by nut doing enough extra curricular stuff...

IME different kids respond differently to extracurriculars. Mine see a lot of benefit from it as they have low muscle tone and dyslexia, (well DD2 too young to diagnose but its v. likely).  So I encourage them to do a few things to build up strength, although I wouldnt push them to do something they hate, but they love it.

Other kids might respond differently by being overtired.

(anyway Im sure you are doing just fine by your kids :)  )

Edited by WannabeMasterchef, 03 December 2019 - 07:02 PM.


#57 CallMeFeral

Posted 03 December 2019 - 08:50 PM

Ok so I have a hypothesis, could be way off but I'll put it out there and see what you think.
If you are experiencing this with more than one family, you are giving off a 'difficulty setting boundaries' vibe. That vibe is like catnip to 'good at getting other people to do stuff for them' people. Those people are typically good at ignoring hints and immune to subtle boundary setting, the sort of signals that normal people would pick up and get the hint on. They also have an amazing radar for people this will work with. You seem to have attracted at least 2 of these at once. The non reciprocal nature of the 'friendships' is a huge red flag for this stuff.

There is nothing in the way you report communicating that I see as particularly non assertive, but just the fact that these people do this AND are still in your life makes me suspect there is some of this at play. Do you generally find yourself avoiding conflict and subjugating your own needs for other people or to avoid seeming rude?

 FiveAus, on 03 December 2019 - 10:50 AM, said:

This person sounds like she's got a different idea of your "friendship" than you have. To you, she's the mum of the kids friend. To her, you and she are besties.

I would say this might be the case IF there was reciprocity. But it doesn't sound like there is. So it sounds more like a case of a 'taker' having found a 'giver'.

 literally nobody, on 03 December 2019 - 12:44 PM, said:

yes it doesn’t help that mum brought me up to always put something out no matter who dropped by or offer a drink or whatever.

This also makes me wonder about my hypothesis. What else did your mum bring you up to... are any of the things you would have to say to these people things that your mother would be shocked by because they are so rude?

I know I'm making wild guesses, please don't be offended I'm just wondering if it fits the picture in my head of what's happening here.

#58 Dianalynch

Posted 03 December 2019 - 09:20 PM

Op it would be fun to hang out with you, although I’d invite you over to mine, after all you’ve done enough hosting, I’d provide snacks but you know chips or something, we could talk for 5 minutes and then just read books and mindlessly internet.

#59 literally nobody

Posted 03 December 2019 - 09:32 PM

 CallMeFeral, on 03 December 2019 - 08:50 PM, said:

Ok so I have a hypothesis, could be way off but I'll put it out there and see what you think.
If you are experiencing this with more than one family, you are giving off a 'difficulty setting boundaries' vibe. That vibe is like catnip to 'good at getting other people to do stuff for them' people. Those people are typically good at ignoring hints and immune to subtle boundary setting, the sort of signals that normal people would pick up and get the hint on. They also have an amazing radar for people this will work with. You seem to have attracted at least 2 of these at once. The non reciprocal nature of the 'friendships' is a huge red flag for this stuff.

There is nothing in the way you report communicating that I see as particularly non assertive, but just the fact that these people do this AND are still in your life makes me suspect there is some of this at play. Do you generally find yourself avoiding conflict and subjugating your own needs for other people or to avoid seeming rude?



I would say this might be the case IF there was reciprocity. But it doesn't sound like there is. So it sounds more like a case of a 'taker' having found a 'giver'.



This also makes me wonder about my hypothesis. What else did your mum bring you up to... are any of the things you would have to say to these people things that your mother would be shocked by because they are so rude?

I know I'm making wild guesses, please don't be offended I'm just wondering if it fits the picture in my head of what's happening here.

Oh Im definitely not offended:) Well interestingly enough I did say to DH we are givers and not takers., But IRL i don’t avoid conflict- if anything I have been described as “very out there and opinionated”. My mum however did always put alot of effort into entertaining her visitors and I hated it when I lived at home..

Today I did send her a message that I enjoy the occasional catch up but with her having 1 child and me having 3 kids and 1 being special needs, I just feel drained with feeling I need to constantly converse and entertain people, and even though I may come across as extremely chilled- inside I am feeling the complete opposite. I also added with work, 2 lots of speech therapy, occupational therapy, karate, 2 lots of swimming lessons and an art class- I don’t have alot of “me” to give and I don’t feel bad in saying so. I have severe insomnia as well so really- Im actually quite a crabby cranky person.

I will start to say no. I said it today and felt ok to do so, and I’ll start to either pick the child up and drop him off or invite myself over!

I did not get a reply to my text even though all up til then she was sending text after text.

2020 resolution is - be even more assertive.

#60 literally nobody

Posted 03 December 2019 - 09:34 PM

 Dianalynch, on 03 December 2019 - 09:20 PM, said:

Op it would be fun to hang out with you, although I’d invite you over to mine, after all you’ve done enough hosting, I’d provide snacks but you know chips or something, we could talk for 5 minutes and then just read books and mindlessly internet.

Ha! see that would be my cup of tea.! Id love to just read books or be on the internet with the occasional laugh.

#61 I'mBeachedAs

Posted 03 December 2019 - 09:46 PM

My nearly 7 year old has never been on a solo play date. He has encopresis (soiling) and I'm just not comfortable leaving him with some unsuspecting poor person. It's very isolating for him. I need to let people know before visiting that I may need to disappear with him into the bathroom for a while.

#62 Ellie bean

Posted 03 December 2019 - 09:54 PM

...

Edited by Ellie bean, 04 December 2019 - 01:38 AM.


#63 PuddingPlease

Posted 03 December 2019 - 11:55 PM

 literally nobody, on 03 December 2019 - 12:44 PM, said:

oh thank you. :) yes it doesn’t help that mum brought me up to always put something out no matter who dropped by or offer a drink or whatever. Funny enough people always comment that Im such a relaxed person yet I don’t feel that way inside. Inside im a basket case.

Honestly if people are bringing their kids over to play and you are putting out food and drinks for them then I can understand  the confusion. If you did that I would probably treat it as an invitation to stay too, though I like to think I would pick up on any hints that you wanted me to go.

#64 literally nobody

Posted 04 December 2019 - 06:20 AM

 PizzaPlease, on 03 December 2019 - 11:55 PM, said:



Honestly if people are bringing their kids over to play and you are putting out food and drinks for them then I can understand  the confusion. If you did that I would probably treat it as an invitation to stay too, though I like to think I would pick up on any hints that you wanted me to go.

Well after about 60 minutes at least is when I have. They have had plenty of time to go.

#65 FiveAus

Posted 04 December 2019 - 06:34 AM

Can you head them off at the door, grab the child and send him off to your kids, and say to the mum "OK, he'll be fine, come and get him in a couple of hours!" then shut the door?

If I don't want someone in my house for any extended period, they don't make it past the front door. I'll happily stand on the porch and have a short conversation and move the conversation towards their car then wave them off as I escape back into my house.

#66 LadyGreyTea

Posted 04 December 2019 - 07:27 AM

I 'm sure this is irrelevant OP but I was a child of the 90s who grew up in the outer suburbs, and from what I recall it was very uncommon for parents to accompany their children on playdates. And the parents that did stay and chat did not stay for very long.

I'm just wondering why parents nowadays have felt the need to come along.
Just an observation...

Edited by LadyGreyTea, 04 December 2019 - 07:34 AM.


#67 Freddie'sMum

Posted 04 December 2019 - 09:32 AM

Just remember OP - "no" is a complete sentence.  

Friend "can we bring Johnny around to see Billy on Saturday?"

OP "that's fine, please drop him off at 2pm and I will bring him back to you at 4pm".

Friend "oh I will just stay for the drop off and ...."

OP "no thanks, just drop and run, Johnny's a big boy and Billy will be waiting for him.  I'll see you when I drop Johnny off.  Bye !"

#68 JBH

Posted 04 December 2019 - 09:54 AM

Hi OP. Another perspective - if you put out refreshments for me I would feel that you wanted me stay. So I would be thinking “damn - wanted to drop and run and get to the shops but it seems she wants me to stay and be social” but I would say “how lovely to catch up” and I would sit and chat.

#69 seayork2002

Posted 04 December 2019 - 10:08 AM

 JBH, on 04 December 2019 - 09:54 AM, said:

Hi OP. Another perspective - if you put out refreshments for me I would feel that you wanted me stay. So I would be thinking “damn - wanted to drop and run and get to the shops but it seems she wants me to stay and be social” but I would say “how lovely to catch up” and I would sit and chat.

This is me 100% but I love food and drink so am torn, I love drop and run more I think

But as PP put it way better than I could we can say 'people should not...' there are people that latch on and don't know the word 'no' we are seen vents and WDYT's on here a lot about how people act or come across.

If you give a vibe of 'go away leave me alone' that is a green light for 'oh I am going to stay and we will chat for hours and I will make you godparents to all my children'

sure we can say it should not be like that but it is

(usual note this is all just what I think)

#70 Sweet.Pea

Posted 04 December 2019 - 10:13 AM

 JBH, on 04 December 2019 - 09:54 AM, said:

Hi OP. Another perspective - if you put out refreshments for me I would feel that you wanted me stay. So I would be thinking “damn - wanted to drop and run and get to the shops but it seems she wants me to stay and be social” but I would say “how lovely to catch up” and I would sit and chat.

I agree. I also would think you didn't want to look after my child.

Perhaps you could just say, please drop and leave. Feel free to have some kid free time and in a couple of weeks we will drop off at your place and take our other 2 out.

#71 gracie1978

Posted 04 December 2019 - 10:13 AM

 JBH, on 04 December 2019 - 09:54 AM, said:

Hi OP. Another perspective - if you put out refreshments for me I would feel that you wanted me stay. So I would be thinking “damn - wanted to drop and run and get to the shops but it seems she wants me to stay and be social” but I would say “how lovely to catch up” and I would sit and chat.

Agree!!


#72 literally nobody

Posted 04 December 2019 - 10:51 AM

Ok so next time no offering any nibblies/drink or coffee. I shall update next time :)

#73 seayork2002

Posted 04 December 2019 - 10:54 AM

 literally nobody, on 04 December 2019 - 10:51 AM, said:

Ok so next time no offering any nibblies/drink or coffee. I shall update next time :)

Well it sounds good in theory

but to some people and offer of coffee means

'I am offering to be polite for the love of all things good in the world don't dare take me up up on it or may head will explode'

to others it means

'please I want adult conversation please stay I beg you'

so it depends

#74 CallMeFeral

Posted 04 December 2019 - 11:07 AM

Well done with the text!
And who knows, it may have been the food that gave them the "I can cross boundaries here" vibe. I dunno what the hell cues these people pick up because I don't see them. The text might set it straight!

#75 literally nobody

Posted 04 December 2019 - 12:38 PM

Ok so this afternoon I got a text back after I sent mine yesterday. Totally ignored everything I said and was texting about something else entirely. sigh.




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