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Should I resign or continue? Volunteer.


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#51 doubledelight

Posted 06 December 2019 - 05:53 AM

Is there someone else that can take DS to the Christmas Party?

#52 Amica

Posted 06 December 2019 - 06:00 AM

Stop volunteering effective immediately.

I was in a junior sporting club board meeting about 8 years ago. One of the aggressive male parents stood over a woman making suggestions and raised his fist at her and was shouting in her face. No one did a single thing. No one even told him to stop. Then when he did stop, they just got back into the agenda. I quit the board immediately, and she never returned.

About 3 years ago I became his victim, because my son wasn't giving his son high 5s and he didn't like it. My son is autistic, and did not have the complex social skills necessary to engage in that task. He beelined me, screamed in my face and threatened to kill me. No one did a thing. There would have been about 6 people within a 3 metre radius. Police took CCTV footage, but when asked what people saw, no one could recall a thing. Gutless wonders. Even the club secretary sitting at the table next me when he approached couldn't recall a thing when police asked for statements yet before they arrived she was "OMG, I can't believe that happened, are you ok". Totally betrayed. The board forced me to attend a reconciliation meeting even though police told me not to go near him. I told the board this, but they wrote me a letter and said if I didn't attend, I wouldn't be welcome back. WTF.... IIIIIIIIIII wouldn't be welcome back? I didn't even do anything wrong, you can't make it up! This was a pattern of behaviour with this guy, but he and the club president were mates. He had screamed in other women's faces too I was told and nothing happened. I was the first to ever get police involved and they did not like it. I chose the not to go back option. My kids still play the sport because they unfortunately love it and there are no other clubs, but my husband takes them and we make no further involvement. We don't do break up parties, mini tournaments, fundraisers or anything. I've not seen my kids play in 3 years now though and it sucks.

Anyway, not volunteering for them anymore was liberating. It took so much of my time. Do not accept the treatment you received, even if it was a one off. You validate their behaviour the second you lift a finger and help out and the pattern of behaviour continues. I don't think you need to leave over the incident if your son is settled and happy there, but you can certainly take a step back.

I understand why you don't want to go to the Christmas Party. Ours is this weekend and for the 3rd year we won't go. I think you should not go. Your son will be disapointed but we always do something else special instead. For me, it isn't just because HE will be there, but because everyone else will be as well and despite being the clear victim, not one of them had my back. They all wanted to remain neutral. I can see how you would feel that way too, it's gutting.

There is a quote about remaining neutral -

"If you are neutral in situations of injustice, you have chosen the side of the oppressor. If an elephant has its foot on the tail of a mouse and you say that you are neutral, the mouse will not appreciate your neutrality."

Desmond Tutu


Edited by Amica, 06 December 2019 - 06:52 AM.


#53 Gudrun

Posted 06 December 2019 - 07:29 AM

Yeah the club should have a code of conduct that should come into play for this kind of thing. If not the umbrella body will have and there is a national junior sports document too.

Yeah junior sports clubs are hotbeds for ugly politics and for people that hang around way too long and think they own the place.

I would withdraw all the voluntary stuff you do until the committee deals with it properly.  Keep taking your kid but give yourself a lot of space.

#54 seayork2002

Posted 06 December 2019 - 08:13 AM

Not saying this is right! but I don't think not going will achieve anything, again not saying this is right! but I don't think anyone will you and your son not being there as anything more than another non attendance mixed in with others

Also if my son decided himself he did not want to go then I would not take him, if he wanted to go I would as no I would not want my son to miss out.

This is the way I would feel in this situation. And no I am not saying what the person did was right but I would seperate it from he party itself

#55 Heather11

Posted 06 December 2019 - 08:21 AM

Quote

If I were you I would go to the Christmas party and just ignore this woman (but by all means stop volunteering with her if you prefer).

Even if you decide not to go, I think I would be sending DS.  He shouldn't miss out for something that someone else did.

By the sounds of it he wants to go and he may feel he is being punished.  Neither you or your DS have done anything wrong.  The other committee member isn't going to care you are not there but your DS will care that he missed out.

#56 annodam

Posted 06 December 2019 - 08:30 AM

Yeah true, I asked DS this morning if he wanted to go & he said yeah mum I do, they'll have a jumping castle & Santa will be there so on & so forth.  It is a fun day for the kids I must admit.
I really don't want to attend obviously, unfortunately DH works on Saturdays & can't make it.
DD refuses, she said straight out yesterday fk 'em, so hell will freeze over before she makes an appearance.
So I will need to show my face, we have been assigned to being a certain dish/plate of food along to share, so can't just dump & run.  
DS would want me there anyway...


ETA:  Amica, just read your post, that's terrible!

Edited by annodam, 06 December 2019 - 08:32 AM.


#57 seayork2002

Posted 06 December 2019 - 08:33 AM

View Postannodam, on 06 December 2019 - 08:30 AM, said:

Yeah true, I asked DS this morning if he wanted to go & he said yeah mum I do, they'll have a jumping castle & Santa will be there so on & so forth.  It is a fun day for the kids I must admit.
I really don't want to attend obviously, unfortunately DH works on Saturdays & can't make it.
DD refuses, she said straight out yesterday fk 'em, so hell will freeze over before she makes an appearance.
So I will need to show my face, we have been assigned to being a certain dish/plate of food along to share, so can't just dump & run.  
DS would want me there anyway...


ETA:  Amica, just read your post, that's terrible!

Can you take a friend along?

#58 annodam

Posted 06 December 2019 - 08:36 AM

Look, I can but I have other people there I can chat to anyway.  We've been around the Club for a while so I do know a few people there, I won't be sitting alone if that's what you're getting at...


ETA:  I do think by Saturday week though, they will know I'm upset as they would've received my e-Mail, just waiting until the State Team is announced this Tuesday before I press send.

Edited by annodam, 06 December 2019 - 08:39 AM.


#59 CallMeFeral

Posted 06 December 2019 - 09:19 AM

View PostTokra, on 05 December 2019 - 10:45 AM, said:

You need to start re-framing this situation in your own head.

You've done nothing wrong and she is 100% in the wrong. You have nothing to be embarrassed about and no reason to do anything other than hold your head high!

This x 100.
It's uncomfortable seeing people you despise because they are rude/cowardly. But don't take it into yourself, as if YOU have something to be embarrassed about. You don't. They do.


View Postannodam, on 05 December 2019 - 10:53 AM, said:

Oh & I deleted her off my FB & blocked her number.

I'm not sure blocking her number is wise. It removes one avenue for apology if hell DOES freeze over.

View Postliveworkplay, on 05 December 2019 - 11:43 AM, said:

See if it were me I would voice how inappropriate her behaviour was and how disappointed I was in the response from the president and other committee members, then resign from the committee effective immediately. I would then hold my head high and ignore the whole lot of them for the rest of the season.

I would not be going without them knowing what utter twats they all were.

Yeah this.

View Postcountrychic29, on 05 December 2019 - 11:53 AM, said:

I also would resign but i would make a fuss cc everyone on the email about the behaviour and direction of the club and the failure to adapt in order to recruit new members as it leaves the current members and families at a disadvantage and due to this you think it would be best if you resign and your son continues the activity with a new club.

I would actually not do this. It's not about the point you were trying to make (even if it was a good one), it's about the fact that you were abused for making it. You could have been expressing that the whole team should bodypaint themselves pink and it still shouldn't have been responded to that way. So I would avoid sending an email that makes it sound like you are still trying to argue for your changes, and focus on the fact that her behaviour was totally out of line and that everyone else's behaviour was cowardly. I get people sometimes get shocked and don't respond appropriately at the time, but nobody has even followed up, that's pathetic.

View Postannodam, on 05 December 2019 - 05:06 PM, said:

My daughters response was; I am not interested in playing for XYZ Club, she gave no reason.

Why did she not give a reason?

#60 someoneanon

Posted 06 December 2019 - 10:02 AM

Hmmm...I've been reading this thread and mulling over this. I think you should not send the email. In fact, I think you should continue to volunteer for the rest of the season. I've volunteered for a long time now, and am familiar with sports club situations. I agree that you shouldn't be treated that way, but quitting on the club sends the wrong message IMO. Particularly as you have not given the club a chance to deal with the situation.

So what I think you should do is make a formal complaint to the club via the channels they would stipulate in their manual/ rules of conduct. Most clubs have these. I would do so by quoting what was said to you and how it contravenes the sports club's rules.

If you quit and leave them in the lurch, they will learn nothing and you will solely blamed. They have no impetuous to change. If your son is going to be involved with the club from here you will be creating a negative situation for him. Showing loyalty to the club will help show that you are not just being a flaky whiney person (not what I think but covering the situation).

You're right to stand up for yourself. It was wrong. But I think sending that email and not giving the chance for the club to do the right thing is going to bite you and your kids in the a*se.

#61 Kallie88

Posted 06 December 2019 - 10:50 AM

The impetus to change should be that if they treat volunteers appallingly they'll lose their volunteers. A club which allows verbal abuse does not deserve loyalty, the president was there and had the chance to do the right thing immediately but didn't

#62 seayork2002

Posted 06 December 2019 - 10:55 AM

View Postannodam, on 06 December 2019 - 08:36 AM, said:

Look, I can but I have other people there I can chat to anyway.  We've been around the Club for a while so I do know a few people there, I won't be sitting alone if that's what you're getting at...


ETA:  I do think by Saturday week though, they will know I'm upset as they would've received my e-Mail, just waiting until the State Team is announced this Tuesday before I press send.

To be honest I never thought that deeply about it was just a suggestion

#63 Amica

Posted 06 December 2019 - 10:56 AM

View PostMands09, on 06 December 2019 - 10:36 AM, said:

^ what a load of rubbish. It’s volunteering, she has no obligation to continue doing so when she has been treated appallingly by all and sundry.

View PostKallie88, on 06 December 2019 - 10:50 AM, said:

The impetus to change should be that if they treat volunteers appallingly they'll lose their volunteers. A club which allows verbal abuse does not deserve loyalty, the president was there and had the chance to do the right thing immediately but didn't

Agree completely.

#64 CallMeFeral

Posted 06 December 2019 - 12:46 PM

View Postsomeoneanon, on 06 December 2019 - 10:02 AM, said:

You're right to stand up for yourself. It was wrong. But I think sending that email and not giving the chance for the club to do the right thing is going to bite you and your kids in the a*se.

I kind of agree, but it did sound like she was giving them some time after the receipt of the email to issue an appropriate response.

Agree a formal complaint might be more effective though.

#65 got my tinsel on

Posted 06 December 2019 - 06:57 PM

View PostCallMeFeral, on 06 December 2019 - 09:19 AM, said:


Why did she not give a reason?

Why should OP's DD give a reason?

'Hi, OP's DD we have a spot we need filled, can you fill it?'

'No. I have no interest in playing for XYZ club'.

That's a reason in itself.

#66 got my tinsel on

Posted 06 December 2019 - 07:01 PM

View Postsomeoneanon, on 06 December 2019 - 10:02 AM, said:



You're right to stand up for yourself. It was wrong. But I think sending that email and not giving the chance for the club to do the right thing is going to bite you and your kids in the a*se.

Just how long should the club be given?

I would think that their first opportunity came and went when the powers that be witnessed the abuse and did nothing.

By the sounds of things, a few days have passed now and still no contact.  OP may have blocked the abuser's phone, but as OP has been very involved in the club for many years, I'm sure they have her email address that they could send her some kind of communication.

#67 annodam

Posted 07 December 2019 - 07:22 AM

Well let’s see, the abuse happened Wednesday night, no apology on the spot, they’ve since had their meeting which was Thursday night, all day yesterday, we’re now heading into Saturday & still nothing.
I think under the circumstances, I have given them plenty of time to respond.  
I will now wait until Tuesday when the Team is scheduled to be announced & send them my complaint.
I don’t expect rude woman to apologise, but the Club as a whole (via the President) who was present, should’ve stood up to her right then & there, yet he just continued flicking through his paperwork...



#68 Tokra

Posted 07 December 2019 - 02:01 PM

View Postsomeoneanon, on 06 December 2019 - 10:02 AM, said:

Hmmm...I've been reading this thread and mulling over this. I think you should not send the email. In fact, I think you should continue to volunteer for the rest of the season. I've volunteered for a long time now, and am familiar with sports club situations. I agree that you shouldn't be treated that way, but quitting on the club sends the wrong message IMO. Particularly as you have not given the club a chance to deal with the situation.

So what I think you should do is make a formal complaint to the club via the channels they would stipulate in their manual/ rules of conduct. Most clubs have these. I would do so by quoting what was said to you and how it contravenes the sports club's rules.

If you quit and leave them in the lurch, they will learn nothing and you will solely blamed. They have no impetuous to change. If your son is going to be involved with the club from here you will be creating a negative situation for him. Showing loyalty to the club will help show that you are not just being a flaky whiney person (not what I think but covering the situation).

You're right to stand up for yourself. It was wrong. But I think sending that email and not giving the chance for the club to do the right thing is going to bite you and your kids in the a*se.

The president was THERE when it happened. If should have been shut down in the moment. That was their chance to do the right thing.

#69 Hollycoddle

Posted 07 December 2019 - 06:14 PM

View Postsomeoneanon, on 06 December 2019 - 10:02 AM, said:

Hmmm...I've been reading this thread and mulling over this. I think you should not send the email. In fact, I think you should continue to volunteer for the rest of the season. I've volunteered for a long time now, and am familiar with sports club situations. I agree that you shouldn't be treated that way, but quitting on the club sends the wrong message IMO. Particularly as you have not given the club a chance to deal with the situation.


They had a chance to deal with the situation.  FFS the president was there when the abuse happened - right then and there would have been the time to deal with it.

The OP owes this club no loyalty. The issue isn't so much the abuse from that one person but the betrayal that occurred when everyone else stood by and did nothing.

#70 ImperatorFuriosa

Posted 07 December 2019 - 06:30 PM

View Postsomeoneanon, on 06 December 2019 - 10:02 AM, said:

Hmmm...I've been reading this thread and mulling over this. I think you should not send the email. In fact, I think you should continue to volunteer for the rest of the season. I've volunteered for a long time now, and am familiar with sports club situations. I agree that you shouldn't be treated that way, but quitting on the club sends the wrong message IMO. Particularly as you have not given the club a chance to deal with the situation.

So what I think you should do is make a formal complaint to the club via the channels they would stipulate in their manual/ rules of conduct. Most clubs have these. I would do so by quoting what was said to you and how it contravenes the sports club's rules.

If you quit and leave them in the lurch, they will learn nothing and you will solely blamed. They have no impetuous to change. If your son is going to be involved with the club from here you will be creating a negative situation for him. Showing loyalty to the club will help show that you are not just being a flaky whiney person (not what I think but covering the situation).

You're right to stand up for yourself. It was wrong. But I think sending that email and not giving the chance for the club to do the right thing is going to bite you and your kids in the a*se.

Are you for real??? *facepalm

#71 Percival

Posted 07 December 2019 - 06:38 PM

View PostLou-bags, on 05 December 2019 - 10:46 AM, said:

I don't know if I'd resign or not, but I think I would make a formal complaint to the President and executive, in writing, either way.

Has anyone from the committee contacted you to apologise? Does your committee have a code of conduct document and/or a policy for behaviour at all?

I absolutely agree with asking the president or executive to address it. This behaviour is unacceptable and I assume contradicts your code of conduct. If it doesn’t your policies need a review.

#72 Tokra

Posted 07 December 2019 - 07:54 PM

View PostMollycoddle, on 07 December 2019 - 06:14 PM, said:

They had a chance to deal with the situation.  FFS the president was there when the abuse happened - right then and there would have been the time to deal with it.

The OP owes this club no loyalty. The issue isn't so much the abuse from that one person but the betrayal that occurred when everyone else stood by and did nothing.

Exactly.

#73 JustBeige

Posted 07 December 2019 - 08:30 PM

Honestly, I would walk away immediately and I would be looking at encouraging my kids to play for a different club next season.

I would send a personal letter to the president and let him know why.

If people ask, you just state you dont believe that the current executive committee is not the place for you and you no longer want to be involved.

That way you arent spreading gossip or naming and shaming anyone personally - so your child shouldnt be penalised for it.

#74 IShallWearTinsel

Posted 07 December 2019 - 08:49 PM

I would quit, but I'm petty so probably just wouldn't show when they next expected me and then say 'i assumed after the way I was spoken to that the club no longer needed my services'.
I'm stepping down from p&c as I just  don't have the energy

#75 annodam

Posted 07 December 2019 - 09:38 PM

Well, the trials are over & my son felt he did OK, so fingers crossed he makes the cut come Tuesday.
I did receive some communication from the Club today via e-Mail.  Unfortunately it was the Minutes from the meeting I excused myself from, nothing noted in that so...

Still a little apprehensive going to the game tomorrow & facing my sons Coach.
However, I am thinking I might take Basenji with me.
That way, I can occupy myself with him by going for a walk during the hour warm up & not have to face them.
I think rude woman is scheduled to score tomorrow morning so having the dog there will at least keep me busy.




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