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So -now- he wants a third!

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#1 Caribou

Posted 07 December 2019 - 06:17 AM

We got pregnant last year with #3 By accident which unfortunately ended in a miscarriage at 8 weeks. I took it much harder than my previous m/cs. This one I think I was looking really forward to considering it a happy mistake.

Anyway, at the start of 2019 DH and I agreed that we’d not have any more kids even though I wanted a 3rd he didn’t and I wasn’t going to go along with the ‘if it makes you happy...’ plan knowing he wasn’t 100% on board. I requested he get the snip so there couldn’t be any more accidents.

Every three or so months I’d prod him to get the snip, and he’d mumble something about being busy and yes he’ll
Book the GP next week.

Now. Last night I prodded again. And said PLEASE get the snip! I’ve been literally withholding sex to make a point. And he confesses actually he wants a 3rd!

Now, I’m upset. Why when I wanted a 3rd it wasn’t ok/suitable/not what he had in mind? To get over my desire to have a third, I literally moved on with my life. I mean literally.

- Lost over 15kgs
- Started a freelance business which is going exceedingly well
- Joined social committees

I did all above bc I’d always put these things on hold because, kids! And I decided no longer!

I do want a third. I’d love a third. But far out! If I have a third, my freelance business would take a hit. I’d gain a lot of weight again, and I’d have to bow out of social committees.

Why is he presenting this option to me now when I in order to get over my desire for a third and going pretty damn well, now?  

I’m just grumpy. For the first time in 9 years this year, I put
Myself ahead of the whole family, to heal a lot of hurt, to avoid falling into another bout of depression, accepted that a third wasn’t on the table, and moved on. I didn’t want to get hung up on my wish for a third.

And now he puts it back on the table? How am I supposed to deal with that?

#2 Bam1

Posted 07 December 2019 - 06:43 AM

Could it be that its the snip he is trying to avoid? Having a third may be just an avoidance tactic, and he might not even  realise this himself.

#3 born.a.girl

Posted 07 December 2019 - 07:01 AM

Men (wild generalisation) don’t have the same considerations women do in terms of fertility.  I suspect most of them never give it a thought.

Until they have to.  Then it scares them just as much as it does women who know that their fertility falls off a cliff at some point.

Agree with Bam.  Might be worthwhile testing the waters of seeing what he says if you suggest having your tubes tied after another pregnancy.  If he readily agrees, I’d be suspicious about his motives, especially if the weight of the parenting will fall to you.

#4 Silver Girl

Posted 07 December 2019 - 07:20 AM

What changes is he prepared to make if you have a third? For example, can he go from full time to part time hours? You shouldn't have to make all the sacrifices.

#5 Manicmum

Posted 07 December 2019 - 07:27 AM

Probably because you’ve moved on and become more independent so he feels less responsibility.

#6 JomoMum

Posted 07 December 2019 - 07:33 AM

I can’t help but think he may just have changed his mind.

Heaven knows women waver and do it all the time ... he has that right too doesn’t he? As bad as the timing may be for you right now.

This might be how he felt earlier this year when you wanted another and he didn’t?

Sorry you’re going through this. I know how hard it is to be in different places about this kind of thing.

#7 Freddie'sMum

Posted 07 December 2019 - 07:37 AM

Genuine question OP - how much kid wrangling does he do now with your current two kids?  

Does he do the hands on stuff ?  Does he do the mental load stuff ?  Has having kids impacted his job / career ?  Does he do the drop offs and pick ups ?

Because I will bet the house that everything I have said above, has impacted YOU.  And your life has changed beyond recognition by having two children.   So, why now, does he want a third child?

#8 Lucrezia Bauble

Posted 07 December 2019 - 07:42 AM

I’d tell him you’ve moved on, you like your life the way it is now. you’ve got your body back, your career. if he wants a project, get a puppy (that can be his sole responsibility).

#9 NeedSleepNow

Posted 07 December 2019 - 07:44 AM

I completely feel for you, as both DH and I are indecisive on this issue!
While it is totally ok for your DH to have changed his thinking around a third, it is also completely ok for you to decide that you have worked through your feelings around the issue and have ‘moved on’ with your life. If you have made changes to your lifestyle and work and don’t want to take a step back due to another baby then that’s totally legitimate! If you really do want another baby, then I’d recommend sitting down and working out how you can maintain your momentum while having another baby. Get him committed to some work and lifestyle changes that enable you to do regular exercise while pregnant, and ensure you can continue working, even if it costs a lot financially, the long-term gain of continuing your business is generally worth it.

#10 MooGuru

Posted 07 December 2019 - 07:52 AM

I don't think it's uncommon to have ups and downs with wanting children. Something like getting a vasectomy would have you thinking about whether you are ready to take that step.

Is it "I want a third" or "I want the option to think about a third" - one is about having a baby, the other about not having a vasectomy.

I wonder whether seeing you like this now having made so many positive changes for you makes the thought of what if less scary. If you were to have another mc you can get through it better than before so the fear of what may be is less?

It's really crappy and hard when you aren't both on the same page.

#11 PoolsideMasterchef

Posted 07 December 2019 - 08:09 AM

Sorry for your loss OP

My question would be how much is he able to do to facilitate you to do the things you still want to do if you have a 3rd.  Can you find a way to keep your business going?   Could you set aside one night a week to be your night for committees etc if you choose?  (maybe not in the first few months, but long term I mean). Can he cut down work hours or do more pickup or drop offs for example?  

Regardless of whether you have number 3 or not the losing weight is great for your health (assuming you were overweight) so dont ever feel like that is wasted.

#12 rosie28

Posted 07 December 2019 - 08:24 AM

It seems to me like he just changed his mind. If you still want a third child then I’d talk to him about how he is going to help you achieve that without you having to give up your business or social commitments. I can’t see why having a baby means you have to leave your committees? And perhaps he can alter his work hours or put other supports in place to keep your business going.

Edited by rosie28, 07 December 2019 - 08:24 AM.

#13 crankybee

Posted 07 December 2019 - 08:40 AM

View PostSilver Girl, on 07 December 2019 - 07:20 AM, said:

What changes is he prepared to make if you have a third? For example, can he go from full time to part time hours? You shouldn't have to make all the sacrifices.

This, 20000%
He can make some sacrifices now.

#14 Mrs Claus

Posted 07 December 2019 - 08:49 AM

It’s also been a year and your children are a year older which can make a huge difference

#15 123Tree

Posted 07 December 2019 - 09:07 AM

View PostManicmum, on 07 December 2019 - 07:27 AM, said:

Probably because you’ve moved on and become more independent so he feels less responsibility.

Or OP has moved on and he feels threatened by her semi independence.

#16 Silverstreak

Posted 07 December 2019 - 09:16 AM

Argh how frustrating! They do say life is what happens when you're making other plans!

Honestly, if you really deep down want a third child and he's on board I'd say go for it.

That being said, DH would like lots of kids. Hell, when I was pregnant, he said he wanted five! But the reality is that for us, things are difficult with one, let alone five. Children are so delightful and it's easy to daydream of adding more kids, but yeah, they do complicate life.

As PP have said, if you go ahead and have a third, make sure he's on the same page re ensuring you get time to continue to build your business, attend committees etc.

#17 Ellie bean

Posted 07 December 2019 - 09:54 AM

I totally get how you feel. I’d be furious too!

#18 Amica

Posted 07 December 2019 - 09:58 AM

Some of the comments, gee wizz!

Men can change their minds just as women can change their minds. I know I did. Doesn't mean you have to have a baby, it just means that he's feeling 'clucky'. Give him the reasons you have now changed your mind and have a discussion.

#19 PoolsideMasterchef

Posted 07 December 2019 - 10:20 AM

View PostAmica, on 07 December 2019 - 09:58 AM, said:

Some of the comments, gee wizz!

Men can change their minds just as women can change their minds. I know I did. Doesn't mean you have to have a baby, it just means that he's feeling 'clucky'. Give him the reasons you have now changed your mind and have a discussion.

I agree I don't think theres enough info in OPs post to assume her DH is trying to keep her under the thumb

View PostMrs Claus, on 07 December 2019 - 08:49 AM, said:

It’s also been a year and your children are a year older which can make a huge difference

This is true.  When my kids were 2 and 3 I thought a 3rd was out of the question but I have 3 now.

#20 IamtheMumma

Posted 07 December 2019 - 10:21 AM

I'm in two minds. The kinder of the two options is life has moved on a bit and isn't so hectic so he's changed his mind.

The less than kind option is he can see the changes the OP has made to her life and knows a baby would upset that new found happiness. His offer isn't genuine and he expects her to say no to a third. If she ever says she wants a baby later on, he can then say "Look I offered and you said no, too late now"

A really mean way to look at it would be that, again, OP has moved on and he's not happy with the new changes as they're impacting on him with more family responsibility. If she was pregnant, she'd have to stay home and his life would return to what it was. Like I said, the mean way to look at it.

As others have said, you don't have to give up your new life to have another child. Your DH can pick up the slack at home. Reduce his hours at work so he can be parent when you're on your committees (I'd reduce those down to one or two though).

#21 Riotproof

Posted 07 December 2019 - 10:21 AM

My gut feel is that he doesn’t really want one. He just is scared of the next chapter.

But it actually doesn’t matter why he’s changed his mind. He has, and so have you. I would not accept any reassurances that he will be more involved, cut back hours etc.

I would explain why you don’t want another baby, and then I would manage the contraception myself. If he doesn’t want to get the snip, that’s fine, it’s his perogative.

Edited by Riotproof, 07 December 2019 - 10:22 AM.

#22 Veritas Vinum Arte

Posted 07 December 2019 - 10:21 AM

I agree talk together about why your positions have changed.

I took awhile to get agreement from DH about a third. Then nature took its time so TTC #3 was taking longer than expected. I actually had to say to DH I will continue trying until x date and if it doesn’t happen by then, I am out of trying for #3 as the gap will be too big for me (ie to get my life back). I conceived #3 at the last cycle.

#23 Ellie bean

Posted 07 December 2019 - 10:27 AM

I’d leave him alone with the 2 you have for say 7-14?days and see how he feels after that...

#24 gracie1978

Posted 07 December 2019 - 10:36 AM

View PostEllie bean, on 07 December 2019 - 10:27 AM, said:

I’d leave him alone with the 2 you have for say 7-14?days and see how he feels after that...

Yup go to a retreat xx

#25 Caribou

Posted 07 December 2019 - 12:01 PM

View Postgracie1978, on 07 December 2019 - 10:36 AM, said:

Yup go to a retreat xx

LOL it's funny. I'm actually in a library right now trying to finish off my current client project because with the kids on holidays the house has been so disruptive. my time tracker looks like a serious of song tracks on a album. 1.25mins 5mins. 3:49mins 23mins.

Anyway! Yes, I agree he's allowed to changed his mind. Well within his rights to. I'm more upset he couldn't reconcile with this earlier in the year. He knew how upset I was about not having a 3rd and the mc.

I didn't blame him for refusing it. It's challenging. Our Eldest is gifted and possibly autism and the youngest looks not far off from the gifted category, without the autism.

DH is also gifted. I'm not. So this business venture has really helped me feel less like a fish out of water being surrounded by people who are seemingly smarter than me, even the 2.5yr old!

FWIW, Dh does do his fair share of parenting, but yes, the majority of it falls on me. I've got him doing all the after school activities for the kids now and he's very supportive of my business. I've been offloading more and more onto him as my business grows, I'm trying to reach 60/40 in parenting (where I still do bulk, but he does more than just 20% of it). I've arranged for DS to move to preschool 3 days a week in the new year and DD is already in primary school. I will still be doing most of the drop off/pick ups, appointments etc as my work is more flexible than his in terms of school hours. but he is flexible to do the after school stuff.

He is unfortunately the main bread winner and while my business pays well, it won't pay in the excess of his wages any time soon.

A third would be lovely, but I feel like the ship well and truly sailed (for me at least) at the start of the year. I didn't want to be all 'what if,/if only....' I wanted to be happy. and i needed to be happy without a third in the picture. So I did exactly that.

The status quo of who does the bulk of parenting wouldn't change. It would still fall on me to do the ups and downs at night. I will say he tries, but there comes a time where it's just easier and quicker that I do it myself, you know?

Anyway, I am having a glorious 5 hours of uninterrupted peace in the library and loving it. I think I need to do these more often. I did it last week and DH came home utterly broken by the 2.5yr old's behaviour. I think he thought I was exaggerating when I said DS is stubborn and difficult. DH crashed out in bed early that night. :lol:

I think we can't do a third. I am just not willing to give up my business. It's on a momentum and it's a good one. I guess I'm sad now I have to say, no. It's too late for me. I'm done. I moved on.

Edited by Caribou, 07 December 2019 - 12:02 PM.

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