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How would you feel - told no phone use at family event - early UPDATE


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#226 ~Jolly_F~

Posted 24 December 2019 - 03:39 PM

What a c*ckhead...

Is said c*ckhead attending the new event? (I may have missed you saying that, sorry if I did).

I am glad you managed to pull something together last minute.

#227 .Jerry.

Posted 24 December 2019 - 03:46 PM

No, original host not coming now, nor are the children, so that is a loss for us. :(  We really only see them once a year and them not coming does leave a hole in the family.
We were willing, to an extent, to suck it up and live by the rules - except for the leaving phones in car.  We could have maturely, quickly and quietly checked our messages without causing a scene.  We could have sent our teens on a walk if they were desperate to do a video of each other.  But the phones in the car was unreasonable.

I do think that anxiety is playing a part in the rules.  Doesn't mean that we all have to buckle.  We could compromise.
Generally though the person does disapprove of how a few in the family (me included) parent our children -  we allow technology, send them to school, allow photographs without too much thought to it, let them play with commercial toys and watch TV, Youtube etc.    So I think that these beliefs are becoming extreme currently and impacting on not only their children, but the wider family.

#228 seayork2002

Posted 24 December 2019 - 03:48 PM

View PostPabloS, on 24 December 2019 - 03:29 PM, said:



really though? Why does this have to be the default analysis? Is it possible that Jerry’s IL is just a t*at, rather than suffering MI? It is a thing. These posts invalidate the OP.

jerry it’s lovely that another rellie is offering their home as I’m sure it’s really important to have a family get together considering the situation with your dad.

No offense to the op of this thread but we all only have any ops version of a situation, we don't know the other side

#229 Riotproof

Posted 24 December 2019 - 03:50 PM

That sounds very extreme, Jerry.

Sad for you that you won’t see them, but it may be for the best. Don’t let it tarnish your Christmas.

#230 VigilantePaladin

Posted 24 December 2019 - 03:53 PM

View Post.Jerry., on 24 December 2019 - 03:46 PM, said:

No, original host not coming now, nor are the children, so that is a loss for us. :(  We really only see them once a year and them not coming does leave a hole in the family.
We were willing, to an extent, to suck it up and live by the rules - except for the leaving phones in car.  We could have maturely, quickly and quietly checked our messages without causing a scene.  We could have sent our teens on a walk if they were desperate to do a video of each other.  But the phones in the car was unreasonable.

I do think that anxiety is playing a part in the rules.  Doesn't mean that we all have to buckle.  We could compromise.
Generally though the person does disapprove of how a few in the family (me included) parent our children -  we allow technology, send them to school, allow photographs without too much thought to it, let them play with commercial toys and watch TV, Youtube etc.    So I think that these beliefs are becoming extreme currently and impacting on not only their children, but the wider family.
Your IL doesn't by chance happen to homeschool and are religious ie. Lighthouse CC ? Wonder if your IL is my ex best friend....

#231 .Jerry.

Posted 24 December 2019 - 04:04 PM

Does homeschool.  Not religious.

I will let it all go  for now.   Clearly they can live their life how they want to.   I don't hold grudges, so will reach out to them in a week or so to see if DD can visit with the kids.

#232 AprilEthereal

Posted 24 December 2019 - 04:37 PM

So original hosts have cancelled and now they're not going to the newly decided hosts? Because they are inflexible?  Their rules means more than  their ability to accept that people are  different but let's all enjoy a family celebration.  Wow. I'm sorry Jerry. I'm sorry your Dad will miss out on those family members but people show their priorities/values in strange ways some times. I hope it is nevertheless a lovely day for those of you attending and I do hope it is not your Dad's last Christmas.

Edit to say, they are hurting their own children because I'm sure they'll be upset not being with their cousins etc.

Edited by AprilEthereal, 24 December 2019 - 04:41 PM.


#233 SplashingRainbows

Posted 24 December 2019 - 08:25 PM

Jerry I am sorry if my comments invalidated your vent. I had hoped my statement that it is annoying and inappropriate would convey that I felt they were in the wrong and you certainly don’t need to accommodate them on this matter.

In my mind I’d seen the possibility of support as a separate matter at a separate time if it was even on the mark.

Apologies again. I’m glad you’ve found another venue and will be able to see most of your family.

#234 Hollycoddle

Posted 24 December 2019 - 09:51 PM

Phones in a hot car probably isn't a great idea either. The host obviously didn't think of that.

#235 IShallWearTinsel

Posted 24 December 2019 - 11:02 PM

Oh wow that's terrible on their behalf! Who won't allow technology for emergency reasons?!

#236 Literary Lemur

Posted 26 December 2019 - 07:58 AM

I'm also feeling for your relative who is partnered to the IL. It seems they are being isolated from your family. Is there any reason why they couldn't have come with the kids at least for part of the day?

#237 Charli73

Posted 26 December 2019 - 08:20 AM

What if a relative had a job that required on call work? I know heaps of work colleagues that take the work phone home in case of a job coming in....

I get not having your children on social media but to push your beliefs onto others is rude and selfish.

#238 .Jerry.

Posted 26 December 2019 - 08:28 AM

Y

View PostLiterary Lemur, on 26 December 2019 - 07:58 AM, said:

I'm also feeling for your relative who is partnered to the IL. It seems they are being isolated from your family. Is there any reason why they couldn't have come with the kids at least for part of the day?
Yes, Feel this person is caught between the IL spouse and the rest of us.  We just want to celebrate the day as we always have.  The person needs to follow what their spouse wants.   None of them are coming to event today. :(  Bit sad about that.

I do feel quite insulted that the IL doesn't think we can act like adults and use devices as needed, discretely.  This branch of the family actually hosted the event last year and we struggle to see what went wrong at last year's that prompted this strong reaction this year. :(  

Oh well, off I go today to see rest of family. :)

#239 *Spikey*

Posted 26 December 2019 - 09:24 AM

Have a lovely day Jerry.

#240 CallMeFeral

Posted 26 December 2019 - 10:21 AM

View Post.Jerry., on 26 December 2019 - 08:28 AM, said:

I do feel quite insulted that the IL doesn't think we can act like adults and use devices as needed, discretely.  

It sounds like one of those situations where this is about their issues, not yours. I know it's hard to not take it as a judgement about you, but from what you've described it's really all about them.

#241 EsmeLennox

Posted 26 December 2019 - 10:22 AM

Wowsers! Hope you had a good day, Jerry.

#242 BECZ

Posted 26 December 2019 - 10:47 AM

Hope you all have a lovely day .Jerry.!

#243 MooGuru

Posted 26 December 2019 - 11:30 AM

I know you said religion isn't involved but as per a PP this behaviour is really similar to how my best friend behaved and it started after joining a church that I think is almost cult like.

With my friend the change was sudden and massive. Think never having mentioned church to getting messages that we were all going to hell if she couldn't convert us.
Home schooling, tech bans including no mobiles, Internet or tv in the house were implemented and visitors expected to adhere to it.
Also anyone not adhering to their rules is "persecuting Christians" and "going to hell" "do YOU want to be responsible for the people you love going to hell?" etc.

So it may not be anything that happened last year or anything to do with your family at all.

#244 lizzzard

Posted 26 December 2019 - 12:02 PM

I hope your day was good after all that Jerry!!

My internet random observation is this person sounds like they’re in a bad place. I know when my anxiety has been at its worst, my need to control everything was also at its highest....it was so tough for everyone else and I look back in embarrassment at some of my behaviour which I now know was the result of extreme stress and anxiety. Cancelling the event because they couldn’t control everything is something I can understand doing in this context. At the time my irrational behaviour seemed normal to me 😔 if this is the cause, I think it’s right not to give in to the control - in a way if people pander to it, the strange behaviour becomes legitimised and this can make it harder to realise they aren’t coping.

#245 .Jerry.

Posted 28 December 2019 - 07:27 AM

Event has been held.
All went well.

People generally kept their phones in their pockets or bags ;) except to take photos of the kids tearing about and having good old-fashioned fun (that includes the teens).  Seems the original IL host was catastrophising assuming we would all be glued to our devices instead of chatting and having fun.

The family photos are missing some people though, but that was their choice.




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