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Grandparent using gesture to silence child


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#26 Silverstreak

Posted 29 December 2019 - 08:22 AM

View PostVVV, on 29 December 2019 - 06:57 AM, said:

No, not at all. She could be colouring quietly, or watching tv in a zombie like state and he’ll say her name call her over and make the gesture, that’s when she looks at me like wtf, and that’s the part that’s weirding me out. If he was doing it when she was banging on something, yelling, squealing etc I’d have no problem with it but to call over a quiet child and gesture for her to be quiet is what I find odd.

Just saw your update, yeah that sounds a bit off to me, like is he policing her behaviour, or have they got a secret and if so, what the heck is it. I would definitely be asking him about it.

#27 ~Jolly_F~

Posted 29 December 2019 - 08:23 AM

I would flat out ask him why he is shushing her.... I think it’s creepy and off especially as she is making no noise,

If I didn’t get a proper answer and the behaviour continued, he would not be welcome in my home again.

#28 BadCat

Posted 29 December 2019 - 08:25 AM

There's two reasons to shoosh people.

1. Noise
2. Keeping a secret

She's not making noise.

Creepy AF and I'd call him on it.

#29 Froyohoho

Posted 29 December 2019 - 08:33 AM

If it was about keeping a secret why would he repeatedly draw attention to it? It seems to me to be attention seeking behaviour.

Edited by Froyohoho, 29 December 2019 - 08:33 AM.


#30 lucky 2

Posted 29 December 2019 - 08:33 AM

Camp weird but only he knows why he is doing it, ask him.
What expression is on his face? Maybe it's a game? Maybe he thinks he's being funny?
Maybe dementia ( I see it everywhere now my dad is affected so ignore me).


#31 born.a.girl

Posted 29 December 2019 - 08:43 AM

View Postluckynutcracker, on 29 December 2019 - 08:33 AM, said:

Camp weird but only he knows why he is doing it, ask him.
What expression is on his face? Maybe it's a game? Maybe he thinks he's being funny?
Maybe dementia ( I see it everywhere now my dad is affected so ignore me).

You do start seeing it everywhere, don't you?

And given there's little to no logic in the behaviour or comments, it starts to do your head in.

#32 PhillipaCrawford

Posted 29 December 2019 - 08:57 AM

As Froyo said, if there was a secret he wanted her to keep he would hardly be making gestures where all could see.

you won't know until you ask - I would say if it is happening at quiet times he is doing it to keep the quietness going - eg giving attention to the behaviour he wants to continue.

#33 GingerbreadWoman

Posted 29 December 2019 - 09:12 AM

I think asking in a neutral way is a good idea.

View Postluckynutcracker, on 29 December 2019 - 08:33 AM, said:

Camp weird but only he knows why he is doing it, ask him.
What exp<b></b>ression is on his face? Maybe it's a game? Maybe he thinks he's being funny?
Maybe dementia ( I see it everywhere now my dad is affected so ignore me).

I was wondering about dementia too. I have a family member with dementia who often repeats an action or phrase, that may have been relevant at some point but isn’t currently.


#34 JomoMum

Posted 29 December 2019 - 09:16 AM

If it is a weird game he’s playing, he seems to have not included your daughter on the joke. You say she’s looking at you confused each time he does it? It’s not some reciprocal joke they’re both in on.

It doesn’t sound like it’s a game between the two of them. I would flat out just ask “can I ask why you’re shushing her? She’s not making any noise, is there another reason?”

And how odd that he calls her name for her to stop what she’s (quietly) doing, get up from her (quiet) activity, come over to him, and then he does it ...

Edited by JomoMum, 29 December 2019 - 09:17 AM.


#35 #notallcats

Posted 29 December 2019 - 09:19 AM

I wonder if his hearing is going and he can't hear where the noise is coming from.  My mum was like that, deaf in one ear, couldn't work out where noise was coming from and she couldn't tolerate loud noises at all.

#36 BeAwesome

Posted 29 December 2019 - 09:51 AM

Is he doing it to be funny? Pointing out that she's sitting quietly while most 3 year olds would be running around making noise.

#37 Jingleflea

Posted 29 December 2019 - 09:59 AM

I wouldn't sit fuming for 24 hours, I'd ask the next time he does it(when she's not making any noise) why he does it.

And then if he gets the grumps he can leave early.

#38 José

Posted 29 December 2019 - 10:04 AM

I'd absolutely ask, in a curious way. Which would be genuine, i really would be curious!

#39 MooGuru

Posted 29 December 2019 - 10:15 AM

View Post#notallcats, on 29 December 2019 - 09:19 AM, said:

I wonder if his hearing is going and he can't hear where the noise is coming from.  My mum was like that, deaf in one ear, couldn't work out where noise was coming from and she couldn't tolerate loud noises at all.

I was going to say the same thing. Also 2 people I know with hearing aids have said that the sound of drawing/colouring is like nails down a chalkhoard, their hearing aids really pick up and amplify that scratchy kind of sound more so than many other sounds.

I'd ask out of curiosity.

#40 Freddie'sMum

Posted 29 December 2019 - 10:26 AM

I would ask him the next time DD is sitting quietly (not making any noise) - and he shushes her -

"FIL you just shooshed DD and she isn't making any noise.  Why did you do that?"

See what his answer is and take if from there.  I am losing my hearing and can't hear our kids unless they actually speak directly to my face.

#41 ExpatInAsia

Posted 29 December 2019 - 10:31 AM

Does he wear hearing aids? My grandmother was very sensitive to any noise when she wore hearing aids.

While it is not the case in this situation, some posters have said a child should be able to be as noisy as they want in their own home. I don’t think it is a bad thing for children to understand that they need to consider others in the house, including guests. I don’t think it is ok for a child to be noisy or squealing, to the extent that it annoys others, just because it is their home.

#42 Heather11

Posted 29 December 2019 - 10:34 AM

Yeah.  I would probably ask out of curiosity not in a telling off or accusing way.

#43 Backtoschoolchef

Posted 29 December 2019 - 10:41 AM

OP since its your FIL, can you get your partner to ask why he is doing it?  What do they think?   Are there other kids in the house or is she being singled out?

I dont think it sounds creepy as such but maybe patronising?  Like I suspect from the OP that maybe he wouldnt do it if it were a boy?

Edited by MincePieMasterchef, 29 December 2019 - 10:42 AM.


#44 born.a.girl

Posted 29 December 2019 - 10:47 AM

View PostMooGuru, on 29 December 2019 - 10:15 AM, said:

I was going to say the same thing. Also 2 people I know with hearing aids have said that the sound of drawing/colouring is like nails down a chalkhoard, their hearing aids really pick up and amplify that scratchy kind of sound more so than many other sounds.

I'd ask out of curiosity.


Yep, could be.

I wear hearing aids, but not all the time.  Mine are because I have lost 80% of high frequency hearing, but my low frequency is fine.  That means we're just not used to hearing those high frequency noises.


Sometimes in noisy situations, when I AM wearing them, the background noise that I'm not used to, gives me sensory overload and I have to take them out.

Probably different for someone who wears them almost every moment they're awake.

Hearing conversations in the background is just ...background noise to me without them.  With them in, I'm actually also hearing what people around me are saying and it's overwhelming sometimes.

That said, I'm blindingly aware of all of this and deal with it myself, not assume someone else is making too much noise.

Edited by born.a.girl, 29 December 2019 - 10:51 AM.


#45 VVV

Posted 29 December 2019 - 10:59 AM

Thanks all - they left this morning so my window of opportunity has gone. I’m not sure my husband noticed what he was doing so I’m going to bring it up with him this afternoon and see what he says.

Yes, he absolutely is going deaf (the tv was regularly on volume number 32) and does not wear hearing aids.

To answer a previous poster, my DD is the only child in the house but yes I would suspect it would be different if she were a boy.

#46 LadyGreyTea

Posted 29 December 2019 - 11:22 AM

This probably isn't any help to you OP but I used to visit an elderly relative who seemed to glare at DD anytime she did anything innocuous like flip book pages or hum quietly to herself.  
It was only later that I found out that his loud, rambunctious grandsons often came to visit, so I figured he was afraid DD would ruin his peace and quiet even though he used to watch Chinese soap operas full volume

#47 Kreme

Posted 29 December 2019 - 11:37 AM

I think hearing issues could be to blame. My mum has to really concentrate to participate in a conversation or listen to a tv program and gets completely overwhelmed by background noise that the rest of us can’t even hear.

There is nothing wrong with kids learning to be considerate of others, regardless of whose house they are in. But next time I would just ask him about it and then you can explain it to your DD.

#48 Ozquoll

Posted 29 December 2019 - 11:37 AM

Perhaps he's just old and grumpy? My dad is frankly terrible with DS, always shushing him for nothing (he's a very quiet boy) and telling him off for really minor things as if he has done something worthy of a ten year gaol sentence. The rest of the time he ignores him 🤷. I put up with this because DS doesn't spend much time with him, but it would be a different story if they'd been in a house together for a week!



ETA - my dad also has hearing loss, so that could come into it too I guess 🤔

Edited by Ozquoll, 29 December 2019 - 11:38 AM.


#49 BECZ

Posted 29 December 2019 - 10:20 PM

My initial thought was stuffy old man who thinks that children should be seen, bot not heard, just like my fathers parents are/were.  The same people who would give you $2 (money wasn’t an issue) for your birthday and tell you not to spend it all at once.  Very different to my mum’s parents who were so laidback and spoilt us rotten, yet nowhere near as financially stable.

Seeing your updates makes me think that there’s something more to it.

It will be interesting to see what your husband thinks about it OP.

#50 lizzzard

Posted 30 December 2019 - 05:52 AM

View PostVVV, on 29 December 2019 - 10:59 AM, said:

Thanks all - they left this morning so my window of opportunity has gone. I’m not sure my husband noticed what he was doing so I’m going to bring it up with him this afternoon and see what he says.

Yes, he absolutely is going deaf (the tv was regularly on volume number 32) and does not wear hearing aids.

To answer a previous poster, my DD is the only child in the house but yes I would suspect it would be different if she were a boy.
With this update it seems most likely he can’t hear and is externalising the reason to your daughter. Yes that’s a bit odd but for some reason slightly illogical attributions around noise seem particularly common when people are in the process of losing their hearing. By the time he comes again hopefully he will have gotten hearing aids.




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