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In-laws untrained dog


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#26 Hands Up

Posted 31 December 2019 - 04:58 PM

You are talking about a baby that doesn’t exist! I hate badly trained/behaved dogs too but seriously you are going next level.

Do not mention your potential future baby unless you want them all to think you are bat sh*t crazy.

#27 ljmcco

Posted 31 December 2019 - 05:29 PM

<p>

View PostJosé, on 31 December 2019 - 07:44 AM, said:

So.its BIL dog and it's been staying with your in-laws, as have you?

How often does this happen, that you all stay together.?
If the dog bugs you can you just stay elsewhere in future?

Is this what you're hoping will happen- you : DH and I are trying to fall pregnant. BIL, your dog needs to be trained. If you don't train your dog we won't visit with our future child.
BIL: sure, ill boom puppy school right away.

Seems unlikely that it would go like that.

Yes, happens maybe twice a year or so. At Christmas, my DH and I would stay for 2 weeks, while my BIL would do one week here and one with his wife's family. So at present, my husband and I are here with my parents in law and the dog.
No, not really in a position to stay elsewhere as we live in a different town, as do my BIL/SIL. When we are here, my BIL lives near enough that there is an expectation that they will come up to have a family lunch, and that now brings the dog.
No, what I'm hoping will happen is that he will reply with "we won't bring the dog to see you". I don't have, nor should I have, any say in whether the dog is trained.
What I should have is an option to say "the constant barking is bothering me, could the noise stop OR could the dog be put in a different room". This is what I don't have at present, and it has been made very clear that no negotiation will be entered into.

I have retreated into our bedroom, but my being in there on my own has caused some awkwardness now, so this is not a long term solution now either.
To be clear, I packed on Christmas night, ready to get the hell out of here. But there were no trains on Boxing Day, and if we didn't travel together it was going to cost an extra £250 pp to get home.[/unquote]

#28 *Spikey*

Posted 31 December 2019 - 05:42 PM

Why would it cost an extra 250 pounds each, when one of you will be returning using the original ticket?

#29 born.a.girl

Posted 31 December 2019 - 05:43 PM

View Postljmcco, on 31 December 2019 - 05:29 PM, said:

<p>

Yes, happens maybe twice a year or so. At Christmas, my DH and I would stay for 2 weeks, while my BIL would do one week here and one with his wife's family. So at present, my husband and I are here with my parents in law and the dog.
No, not really in a position to stay elsewhere as we live in a different town, as do my BIL/SIL. When we are here, my BIL lives near enough that there is an expectation that they will come up to have a family lunch, and that now brings the dog.
No, what I'm hoping will happen is that he will reply with "we won't bring the dog to see you". I don't have, nor should I have, any say in whether the dog is trained.
What I should have is an option to say "the constant barking is bothering me, could the noise stop OR could the dog be put in a different room". This is what I don't have at present, and it has been made very clear that no negotiation will be entered into.

I have retreated into our bedroom, but my being in there on my own has caused some awkwardness now, so this is not a long term solution now either.
To be clear, I packed on Christmas night, ready to get the hell out of here. But there were no trains on Boxing Day, and if we didn't travel together it was going to cost an extra £250 pp to get home.[/unquote]

As they say, you can't change other people but you can change your response to them.


Is there no public accommodation near your PIL?

If there is, at least you limit the amount of time you spend around the dog.

If there's not, or if that's even too much for you, you don't go.


Awkwardness or not, you can only go with the acceptance of what will happen, or not go.

#30 ljmcco

Posted 31 December 2019 - 05:49 PM

View PostLallalla, on 31 December 2019 - 08:40 AM, said:

It sounds like the new dog is a grown up? So is it a rescue?

I am sure I read somewhere it takes months for a rescue dog to feel safe, then to get used to the new routine and then to feel at home.

The dog turned 1 on Christmas Eve, they've had him since about February, i.e. long enough that he really should be being reprimanded for things but not necessarily obeying the command every time.
They bought him from the breeder.

When we met the dog in July, stopping by on our way back to the airport, it was at the bite-y puppy stage. But no attempt was made to reprimand the dog for biting either. It got me several times, not hard but aggravating and never rebuked beyond telling me "he's just a puppy". It got me on the webbing between my thumb and forefinger, so I closed my hand such that I had control of it's lower jaw without exerting any pressure and made it verbally (firm, but not angry or aggressive) clear to everyone in the room that I would not be a pushover with this sh*t, and let it go. No one said anything, but there was a kinda shocked pause.

To be completely fair, it has grown out of the biting, and is magnificently well toilet trained. Which is what is making me think that I'm fighting an uphill battle here. He's been trained such that he won't inconvenience my BIL, and my parents in law are besotted with the dog. I'm not really thinking that anything will change, but I do want to make it clear that I will not be tolerating this behaviour around kids.

What I am trying to step around very lightly is saying "we won't be coming if the dog is here", because that will be construed as a family splitting line in the sand, and I don't want to force my husband into a wife Vs family decision.

#31 PocketIcikleflakes

Posted 31 December 2019 - 05:51 PM

So the dog is now being cared for by your in laws as bil can't take it to his in laws? Eek.

I think all you can do is stay as you are if you can't afford the extra cost of travelling separately and your dhwants to stay.

Don't worry about dog and baby now, you'll have an entire pregnancy to work out where things stand with the dog. For the record there were certain dogs I would not be around while I was pregnant. No way was I going to be around dogs that jumped on me while I was pregnant. Same went for babies.

If it's a puppy they may calm down by then or your in laws may get sick of the barking and jumping and do training.

Eta because I typed and missed your post. I don't think in these dynamics lightly stepping around stuff works. Certainly in my experience is used as an excuse to ignore requests and claim the requests are not made. We needed bluntness and to wait out the fallout I'm afraid.

Next time you visit ask about if the dog still jumps and barks. If they say no and that's a lie that's on them. You find alternative arrangements. If they say yes, be prepared to make alternative arrangements. There's not really much else you as individuals can do.

Edited by PocketIcikleflakes, 31 December 2019 - 06:00 PM.


#32 ljmcco

Posted 31 December 2019 - 06:03 PM

View Postborn.a.girl, on 31 December 2019 - 05:43 PM, said:




Is there no public accommodation near your PIL?

Awkwardness or not, you can only go with the acceptance of what will happen, or not go.

There is, but we are not in a financial situation where that would be viable at the moment. We're not really in a financial situation where we could afford the tickets here either, but it was expected.

My MIL and I both come from families where there are siblings who no longer speak to each other, and I know that she really doesn't want something like that happening between her sons. Us leaving would be taken very badly.

I'm 100% ok with never coming back when the dog is here. What I don't know how to do is explain that without starting an almighty fight.

#33 ljmcco

Posted 31 December 2019 - 06:06 PM

View Post*Spikey*, on 31 December 2019 - 05:42 PM, said:

Why would it cost an extra 250 pounds each, when one of you will be returning using the original ticket?

Because we bought a ticket that is only valid if we travel together.
The return ticket is a both together or neither option.
Open ended return, but we both have to travel together.

#34 *Spikey*

Posted 31 December 2019 - 06:12 PM

The only way that you can avoid future fights is to stump up for separate accommodation in future visits. Or not visit when the dog is going to be present.

You are an adult. Adult. This isn't about a future baby, it's about you, not liking this dog, right now. Say so. Say it to your husband. It's okay not to be a dog lover. Loads of people don't like dogs.

Trying to foist responsibility onto the dog  and your future unborn child is just blame shifting. You don't like this dog, and that is okay. Just keep away from it.

View Postljmcco, on 31 December 2019 - 06:06 PM, said:

Because we bought a ticket that is only valid if we travel together.
The return ticket is a both together or neither option.
Open ended return, but we both have to travel together.

What train service is this?

#35 PocketIcikleflakes

Posted 31 December 2019 - 06:19 PM

You are not responsible for the Relationships of other people though. It takes two people to cause a rift. If you'd be ok with the dog of it didn't jump up then I think it's ok to explain that the issue is the jumping not the dog. Saying you'd stay elsewhere except you can't afford it is ok. Then the choice is on them if they expect you to put yourselves in financial strain in order to come to a get together you'll not be able to enjoy. That's not them being reasonable.

Child safety is a different issue in my opinion.

Edited by PocketIcikleflakes, 31 December 2019 - 06:22 PM.


#36 born.a.girl

Posted 31 December 2019 - 06:27 PM

View Postljmcco, on 31 December 2019 - 05:49 PM, said:

The dog turned 1 on Christmas Eve, they've had him since about February, i.e. long enough that he really should be being reprimanded for things but not necessarily obeying the command every time.
They bought him from the breeder.

When we met the dog in July, stopping by on our way back to the airport, it was at the bite-y puppy stage. But no attempt was made to reprimand the dog for biting either. It got me several times, not hard but aggravating and never rebuked beyond telling me "he's just a puppy". It got me on the webbing between my thumb and forefinger, so I closed my hand such that I had control of it's lower jaw without exerting any pressure and made it verbally (firm, but not angry or aggressive) clear to everyone in the room that I would not be a pushover with this sh*t, and let it go. No one said anything, but there was a kinda shocked pause.

To be completely fair, it has grown out of the biting, and is magnificently well toilet trained. Which is what is making me think that I'm fighting an uphill battle here. He's been trained such that he won't inconvenience my BIL, and my parents in law are besotted with the dog. I'm not really thinking that anything will change, but I do want to make it clear that I will not be tolerating this behaviour around kids.

What I am trying to step around very lightly is saying "we won't be coming if the dog is here", because that will be construed as a family splitting line in the sand, and I don't want to force my husband into a wife Vs family decision.


You can probably put it more gently by making yourself the problem rather than the dog.

You shouldn't have to, but if you could say something along the lines of 'I don't know what it is, but the level of barking makes me feel ....... and I can only tolerate it for so long'.

Words to that effect.  Stress that he's a lovely dog, it's just the barking (and jumping on you).


Your husband needs to be 100% with you on this though - if he tries to minimise the effect on your, or defend what they're doing, he's your problem too, not just the dog.

#37 Grassisgreen

Posted 31 December 2019 - 06:28 PM

Ok sorry op I completely understand and it would drive me bonkers too but I just want to understand.

At the moment the problem is the barking and jumping on you. But you mentioned the noise a few times. To the point you wanted to leave.

Can I pose a scenario for you to think about. In a few years when you hopefully have your child, it may be making endless noise. From crying during the day and night, keeping the whole house awake. To banging on toys and talking non stop as it gets older. To having terrible table manners, making it impossible to sit together to all have a meal together or conversation for longer than five minutes.

BIL and wife may be annoyed, so irritated by the noise that they want to leave. They think about talking to MIL but she is besotted by the baby.

Now, I know a dog and a baby aren’t the same. But it’s all a bit about being tolerant of one another and our families coming together. So I wonder if for these few weeks a year you can be accepting of the ILs and their different choices to having their dog.

If it posses a threat to your child in the future then of course raise it. But before then and I don’t think it will go down well. I think it’s ok to make a statement or have a conversation, ie I am really having trouble with the noise the dog is making and the barking etc. you could also in this statement say, I feel uncomfortable with the dog jumping on my body during meal times (or whenever) during those times can we put the dog in a different room.

I’m not saying it’s easier, I’m just aware that I know others put up with a lot by having my children around.

I also wonder, because I think I would feel this way, whether if you have been trying for a baby for awhile then seeing MIL fuss over the dog could bring up some emotions. Personally I would feel a little jealous they weren’t fussing over my baby and sad I didn’t have a baby.

#38 Hollycoddle

Posted 31 December 2019 - 06:32 PM

View Post#notallcats, on 31 December 2019 - 01:10 PM, said:

I'm not a dog person, and the whole think sounds pretty annoying, however I think you have been a bit rude and definitely shouldn't say anything further.  It's their house, the dog sounds young (or new to the household at least)... one day you may have a noisy child who screeches or cries a lot, imagine how you'd feel if someone in your own house, told you to lock the child away.  Right or wrong, someone people think their animals are their children.  If safety isn't a concern, and it is their house, then I'd just leave it.  It's early days, they will probably start training it soon.

Except that animals aren't children. There's no comparison.

#39 Hollycoddle

Posted 31 December 2019 - 06:41 PM

View PostGrassisgreen, on 31 December 2019 - 06:28 PM, said:


Now, I know a dog and a baby aren’t the same. But it’s all a bit about being tolerant of one another and our families coming together. So I wonder if for these few weeks a year you can be accepting of the ILs and their different choices to having their dog.


Child and dog are totally not the same. You can make other arrangements for a dog but not for a child, surely you can see that?

OP in your last post did you say the BIL only comes for lunch as he lives closer than you do? Can't they leave the dog at home for the day or even the night? I know you said it's not something you feel you can argue with but it just seems stupid that they need to take the dog there at all.

Edited by Hollycoddle, 31 December 2019 - 06:44 PM.


#40 *Spikey*

Posted 31 December 2019 - 06:46 PM

Hollycoddle, there are plenty of points of comparison. Of course they are not "the same", that does not mean they are different in each and every way.

GIS has a point about noisy children. It isn't a dog, but a baby crying is pretty distressing when it won't stop.

#41 Hollycoddle

Posted 31 December 2019 - 07:53 PM

View Post*Spikey*, on 31 December 2019 - 06:46 PM, said:


GIS has a point about noisy children. It isn't a dog, but a baby crying is pretty distressing when it won't stop.

Yes it can be distressing but you can't remove a baby to another room yet you can do with a dog. And, shock horror, it won't hurt the dog in the slightest. The dog problem is easily solvable by removing it but unfortunately the OP's family don't seem to be very receptive about it.

Edited by Hollycoddle, 01 January 2020 - 12:56 PM.


#42 lozoodle

Posted 31 December 2019 - 08:29 PM

This is not a conversation to be had about a baby that doesn't exist.

Wait for it to happen. Cross the bridge when you come to it.

#43 IShallWearTinsel

Posted 31 December 2019 - 08:38 PM

I would just not visit anymore and not allow the dog at my house.

#44 marple

Posted 31 December 2019 - 09:02 PM

DIdn't you say this was only once a year?

#45 #notallcats

Posted 01 January 2020 - 12:05 AM

View PostHollycoddle, on 31 December 2019 - 06:32 PM, said:

Except that animals aren't children. There's no comparison.

I never said they were, and I actually agree with you.  However some people will fiercely disagree, and since it's not the OP's house, she should respect that.  

There is no safety issue here, the OP should just suck it up.  Especially since she's an in-law.

#46 Bam1

Posted 01 January 2020 - 12:35 AM

View Post*Spikey*, on 31 December 2019 - 05:42 PM, said:

Why would it cost an extra 250 pounds each, when one of you will be returning using the original ticket?

An extra ticket for the future baby who will become a future adult?

#47 MooGuru

Posted 01 January 2020 - 01:03 AM

Could you say that you are scared of the dog? That when it barks / jumps up it seems aggressive and you are fearful that you will be attacked.
Makes it about you but also maybe highlights concerns that the dogs behaviour isn't acceptable.

#48 Sancti-claws

Posted 01 January 2020 - 06:17 AM

We don't have a dog, but a dog-mad daughter exists and therefore we got to watch the WHOLE SEASON of Dogs Behaving Badly.

I think this should be bought as a gift for the dog owner - and perhaps if they ignore the training for their pooch, you could train the in-laws.

Dog starts to bark/ in-laws ignore dog - "No".  Heap praise when they all stop and look at how crazy you are.  Rinse and repeat.

Edited by Sancti-claws, 01 January 2020 - 06:17 AM.


#49 **Xena**

Posted 01 January 2020 - 06:49 AM

I love dogs but I find it sad that they are putting the dogs comfort above yours in this situation. I think at this point you might just have to get through this visit and then consider in future staying for a shorter time and/or going less. It's not fair on you but unfortunately you can't change how they treat the dog but you can choose which situations you want to be in.

I wouldn't bring up any future child. That is just going to cause resentment as though you're trying to emotionally blackmail them. You shouldn't need to talk about future children, your own discomfort should be enough for most people.

Given the OP said pounds I imagine it's a European train line.

#50 SallyJay

Posted 02 January 2020 - 11:45 AM

Yeah dog sounds annoying but its the dog's home not yours so I guess its up to you to leave if you don't like it.




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