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#1 Kirralee2015

Posted 08 January 2020 - 02:17 PM

Deleted at parents'request.

Edited by Kirralee2015, 08 January 2020 - 10:02 PM.


#2 ECsMum

Posted 08 January 2020 - 02:20 PM

Sorry I am a little confused - what age are the people that are having sex?  And are they related in any way?

#3 seayork2002

Posted 08 January 2020 - 02:21 PM

I am willing to admit I am a bit old fashioned with my thinking with this BUT I don't really think punishment will do anything other than make them sneak around away from home now.

All I can suggest is the parents all calmly talk to their kids.

I gather he is 15 so under age so they could call the police technically I guess but what would that achieve?

#4 ECsMum

Posted 08 January 2020 - 02:22 PM

If it's two unrelated kids (15 & 16) then I would ground whichever one was mine.  Assuming that there was consent between the both of them.

I am not so sure I would feel violated etc - if DD let the boy in that is.

#5 Kirralee2015

Posted 08 January 2020 - 02:22 PM

View PostECsMum, on 08 January 2020 - 02:20 PM, said:

Sorry I am a little confused - what age are the people that are having sex?  And are they related in any way?

The ages are in the post - 16 year old girl and 15 year old boy.  Not related.

#6 Mooples

Posted 08 January 2020 - 02:22 PM

So 2 consenting teenagers are having sex? I’m not sure why everyone is so shocked and upset?

#7 Kirralee2015

Posted 08 January 2020 - 02:25 PM

View PostECsMum, on 08 January 2020 - 02:22 PM, said:

If it's two unrelated kids (15 & 16) then I would ground whichever one was mine.  Assuming that there was consent between the both of them.

I am not so sure I would feel violated etc - if DD let the boy in that is.

My girlfriend feels that her home has been violated, not her body or her daughter's body (the acts were all consenual).  She is wondering what grounding or any punishment will actually achieve and is at a total loss as what to do.

#8 seayork2002

Posted 08 January 2020 - 02:27 PM

View PostKirralee2015, on 08 January 2020 - 02:25 PM, said:

My girlfriend feels that her home has been violated, not her body or her daughter's body (the acts were all consenual).  She is wondering what grounding or any punishment will actually achieve and is at a total loss as what to do.

I am not sure what the connection is between her home being violated and them having sex, but other than talking to them what else can she do?

#9 Kiwi Bicycle

Posted 08 January 2020 - 02:27 PM

I think it's  more the sneaking around at night that's more the problem. Did the guy have a curfew he broke by doing this?

#10 ECsMum

Posted 08 January 2020 - 02:28 PM

The DD has invited the boy into their home.  

If she feels violated (over reaction I would have thought) then she needs to take that up with her DD.

#11 IamtheMumma

Posted 08 January 2020 - 02:31 PM

Is the boyfriend's mother looking to go to the police or is happy to stick to being angry for the deception?

I'd be the same as your girlfriend. Having trust broken is a hard one because there isn't really a punishment for that. I guess I'd express hurt and disappointment that she felt this was an appropriate way to conduct a relationship and that not being open with it (in limited context, no sex in the family lounge) shows a real lack of maturity. Then I'd talk to her about safe sex, protection and the morning after pill.

Edit - posted at the same time. I guess she could look into providing stronger security measures around the home, including an alarm that her DD doesn't have the code too. But I think that is overkill.

Edited by IamtheMumma, 08 January 2020 - 02:33 PM.


#12 marple

Posted 08 January 2020 - 02:32 PM

Did he come through the window??
Sorry I've got nothing - I have the situation in reverse - the girl sneaking in. Been going on for years.


That is the  extreme, if they are just average normal kids who are desperate to see each other then I wouldn't panic.
My bf snuck in a couple of times when I was a teenager - it's not unheard of - I am a normal nice person in society.

If he is crazy - move house and don't give the address - though I highly doubt this.

Why is your friend feeling violated? That seems odd. As a mum of a teenager she needs to get used to them coming and going . Good luck to her trying to stay awake every time her child has friends over. The vast majority are lovely people who will grow up to be the future adults in our society.

#13 Yippee-Ki-Yay

Posted 08 January 2020 - 02:32 PM

I am not sure what a punishment would achieve. When I discovered my DS was having sex, I sat him and the girl down and we frank discussion about safe sex, respect and sexual health.

It's an age during  which many teens explore their sexuality and I think it's a parents job to guide and protect, so information and a safe environment seems reasonable to me.

#14 hills mum bec

Posted 08 January 2020 - 02:34 PM

View PostKirralee2015, on 08 January 2020 - 02:25 PM, said:

My girlfriend feels that her home has been violated, not her body or her daughter's body (the acts were all consenual).  She is wondering what grounding or any punishment will actually achieve and is at a total loss as what to do.

Why does she feel that her home has been violated?  Because her teenage daughter had sex?  Teenagers will have sex if they want to have sex.  If they feel that they can't have an open conversation with their parents about it then they will either sneak around doing it (as has happened) or they will have sex somewhere else, like the back seat of the car or at a local park.  I sure know where I would prefer to have my teenagers having sex.  I'm not sure why the mother of the boy feels like she has a right to know how the girl will be punished, if she is going to be punished at all.

#15 PuddingPlease

Posted 08 January 2020 - 02:36 PM

I can understand her confusion, though I agree with PP's that the idea of a home being violated is harder to fathom. It sounds as though she is under pressure from the other family to crack down hard on the girl, particularly as she is the older one. Personally I think I would be more concerned, from a safety point of view, if my kid was the one sneaking out and travelling at night than the one leaving the door opening but remaining in the home.

I think it would be perfectly reasonable for your friend to decide to address it in her own way. Everyone seems to agree that the sex was consensual and they are almost the same age so it is unlikely that any crime has been committed. The more important question is what happens now, they are hardly the first young couple to have sex so ensuring that in future this is engaged in safely and in an environment that family can cope with (ie not after sneaking out at midnight) would probably be my priority.

#16 MooGuru

Posted 08 January 2020 - 02:36 PM

Part of me questions whether the level of feeling of betrayal and that they need to be punished is part of the reason for the sneaking around?
Punishment is only going to make that worse would be my guess.

#17 marple

Posted 08 January 2020 - 02:38 PM

Mother of girl sounds odd ( I am feeling  violated)
Mother of boy sounds odd. ( What are you doing about the evil girl who led my son astray).
That's the biggest stand out for me.

Kids seem normal

#18 seayork2002

Posted 08 January 2020 - 02:42 PM

View Postmarple, on 08 January 2020 - 02:38 PM, said:

Mother of girl sounds odd ( I am feeling  violated)
Mother of boy sounds odd. ( What are you doing about the evil girl who led my son astray).
That's the biggest stand out for me.

Kids seem normal

There is that, if I was asked about punishment for my child over this I would politely telling them to mind their own business.

#19 kyrrie

Posted 08 January 2020 - 02:43 PM

What would I do with my 16 yr old DD?

talk to her about these
- it’s not safe to sneak around at night and that I’m disappointed that she helped her boyfriend to do so without his  parents permission

- her boyfriend is underage, make sure she understands what this means and encourage her to wait until he is 16

- make sure all the protection messages are well understood and get her a sexual health check up

- and with that last one sort out birth control since my DD is not on any currently

i wouldn’t punish her. But that’s my DD with her history. I’d be pretty impressed with her skills getting a boy in and out of our house without detection. I think that would be quite impossible in our home.

What someone else should do is impossible to say when I don’t know the maturity levels or past history of behaviour. I don’t see it as a violation but if the child knew that her mother didn’t want people in the house without her knowledge that’s a breach of trust and needs to be dealt with. If the child did not know that was an issue then she’s not at fault and needs it made clear. This isn’t a rule for my family so not an issue, my kids can have people over, although they are both considerate and let me know even if they didn’t have to ask.

#20 magic_marker

Posted 08 January 2020 - 02:45 PM

In your original OP you said the boys mother wants to know what consequences the girl will face.
That is none of her business.
Deal with your own child (15)
I would be uncomfortable with anyone letting someone in my home without my knowledge.

#21 Prancer is coming

Posted 08 January 2020 - 02:46 PM

I would try and help your friend get clear on the issue.

Is she upset that her child had sex?
Is she upset that her daughter invited a boy in to the house without her permission?
Is she concerned what messages the younger siblings might be getting if a boyfriend stays over?
Is she feeling under pressure to do something because the boyfriend’s mother has asked about a consequence?

i would also encourage some time to process.  Sounds like the  news came as a shock to her.  Maybe taking some time to think about it all will help, as I don’t think the situation is a disaster.

i am not sure how punishment would help?  I don’t like the idea of my 15 yo having sex, but if she has consented and is safe, I am not sure what I can do about it.  Sure, you can ban them from seeing each other, but not sure how that would help and would probably result in them having sex in somewhere not that great.   Bit too late to stop it!  Maybe some rules around permission when inviting guests around.  My kid is 13, but I actually don’t think I have spelt out that she is not let her boyfriend in her bedroom window at night without telling me first!  

Her daughter is trying to establish Independence, so you need to be careful around enforcing rules just for the sake of showing you are in control.  Have an open discussion around safe sex and her wanting to invite her boyfriend over.  It does not need to be a shameful situation.

#22 seayork2002

Posted 08 January 2020 - 02:50 PM

A bit OT but one thing I will be saying to DS when the time comes (and a daughter if I had one) is 'sure take all the precautions you want but what are you going to do if you a pregnancy happens?'

#23 too tired to care

Posted 08 January 2020 - 02:50 PM

Two teenagers having sex, well there is not much to do.

I would sit down with both of them and discuss the precautions they are taking to ensure safe sex and that they both understand consent.

I am pretty sure that the age gap is small enough that it does not breach consent laws, but i would double check to make sure and discuss this with them also.

In terms of the violation, it depends what house rules were broken and whether these rules were spoken about previously. If ground rules had been established prior then the consequences should have also been discussed.

If there was no previous discussion all they know is that parents wouldn't be happy (hence the sneaking), but with what exactly?
In terms of sex, the talk mentioned above and some ground rules about when and where is appropriate. Asking them what they think and then working it through with parents would be good.

Regarding sneaking, this would be the thing i have the most problem with.  One ground rule would be no sneaking, come in through the front door at reasonable hour- set a time that you are happy with.

I would actually ask them what consequences they think they should face, and see if what they come up with a reasonable answer. Quite often teenagers will come up with harsher consequences than you can think of.

Also other parents have no say in what consequences the DD faces.

#24 Lady Gray

Posted 08 January 2020 - 02:52 PM

View PostMooples, on 08 January 2020 - 02:22 PM, said:

So 2 consenting teenagers are having sex? I’m not sure why everyone is so shocked and upset?

Second this!  I mean it’s not cool that he’s been sneaking into the house but otherwise it seems like a dramatic overreaction.  

If it was me, I’d make it clear no sneaking into the house  if they want to have sleepovers they just need to let the respective parents know.  Also ensure they’re being safe and using protection.

#25 #notallcats

Posted 08 January 2020 - 02:53 PM

Why are people being so obtuse?

The mother feels violated because her child has been lying/deceiving her AND someone has been in her house during the night, without her knowledge.  Her rules,respect and  privacy have been violated.

It's not a term I would use or feel, but it's not difficult to understand.




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