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#51 Ferelsmegz

Posted 08 January 2020 - 03:39 PM

View Postmarple, on 08 January 2020 - 02:38 PM, said:

Mother of girl sounds odd ( I am feeling  violated)
Mother of boy sounds odd. ( What are you doing about the evil girl who led my son astray).
That's the biggest stand out for me.

Kids seem normal

YES!!!

View PostYippee-Ki-YayMF, on 08 January 2020 - 02:32 PM, said:

I am not sure what a punishment would achieve. When I discovered my DS was having sex, I sat him and the girl down and we frank discussion about safe sex, respect and sexual health.

It's an age during  which many teens explore their sexuality and I think it's a parents job to guide and protect, so information and a safe environment seems reasonable to me.

And yes - this is literally the first thing that came to my mind.

These - and if she is going to punish her DD is should be for the sneaking in of the boy and going behind her mums back - not for having sex - consensual sex is not wrong and people shouldn't be punished for it as it just sets the tone for it to be taboo and bad thing when its completely normal.

#52 Dadto2

Posted 08 January 2020 - 03:42 PM

d

Edited by Dadto2, 08 January 2020 - 03:46 PM.


#53 EsmeLennox

Posted 08 January 2020 - 03:44 PM

Are these parents living in the current decade, or is this some kind of time-warp situation.

The reaction seems enormously overblown.

I’d be a bit cross as either parent because of the safety aspect *for the kids*, so I’d be having a conversation about that more than anything - in relation to both the movement at night alone and in terms of sexual health and safety.

I wonder why the kids felt they had to sneak around...

Edited by EsmeLennox, 08 January 2020 - 03:46 PM.


#54 eilca

Posted 08 January 2020 - 03:46 PM

View Postseayork2002, on 08 January 2020 - 03:35 PM, said:



So the BF sneaks out to the GF's house, the law is laid down 'this has to stop' are they going to say to each other 'hhmmm we can't have sex anymore here' or are they going to both sneak off and do it is random places or his place or wherever?

I'm sure they will continue to have sex whenever and wherever they can.  

I'm saying that I can understand that the parents felt shocked about finding out that the boyfriend was able to enter and exit freely. To me it would appear that some if his visits may have occurred "after hours" and this would be a wake up call about security. A scary feeling to know you didn't hear anything!

#55 Ruf~Feral~es

Posted 08 January 2020 - 03:46 PM

View Posteilca, on 08 January 2020 - 03:32 PM, said:

I think sex is a normal function and have no problems with the idea of teens having sex. But I do think a parent has the right to know who is in the house. And I do think a parent has the right to stop the teens having sex in the house if they are against it.  It's not about shaming the teens, more about parents feeling comfortable about decisions of who is in the house at any given time.

I agree totally.

However my point is that the over-blown language being used about the situation is only going to have the effect of shaming the teenagers, instead of helping them to look at the issues rationally and make better or different choices in the future.

#56 EsmeLennox

Posted 08 January 2020 - 03:49 PM

View Posteilca, on 08 January 2020 - 03:46 PM, said:



I'm saying that I can understand that the parents felt shocked about finding out that the boyfriend was able to enter and exit freely. To me it would appear that some if his visits may have occurred "after hours" and this would be a wake up call about security. A scary feeling to know you didn't hear anything!

Why is it a wake up call? If the girl opened the door/window for him to enter, that’s not a security issue.

#57 born.a.girl

Posted 08 January 2020 - 03:51 PM

I doubt we'd be getting the same response/s from the parents if it had been a girlfriend from school who'd snuck in for a few hours after theoretical lights out.

Perhaps I don't feel that strongly about it because our daughter's friends were always welcome here, and I simply can't imagine the need for any of them to sneak in a window.


This IS about them having sex, make no doubt.

#58 eilca

Posted 08 January 2020 - 03:51 PM

View PostEsmeLennox, on 08 January 2020 - 03:49 PM, said:



Why is it a wake up call? If the girl opened the door/window for him to enter, that’s not a security issue.

I think we like to think that we can hear anything at night!  So it's a wake up call to know this is not true.

#59 ~Jolly_F~

Posted 08 January 2020 - 03:56 PM

View Postborn.a.girl, on 08 January 2020 - 03:51 PM, said:

I doubt we'd be getting the same response/s from the parents if it had been a girlfriend from school who'd snuck in for a few hours after theoretical lights out.

Perhaps I don't feel that strongly about it because our daughter's friends were always welcome here, and I simply can't imagine the need for any of them to sneak in a window.


This IS about them having sex, make no doubt.

Agree....

This is how it is at my house also.

I have a 16yo DD and I can’t fathom the reaction this mother is having, it seems ridiculously over the top to me.

If you are banning sex from the house you are shaming your kids for their decisions. You might like to think you aren’t but ultimately you are saying if you have sex you aren’t worthy of the safety and security of your home to do it in.

To be honest if this occurred at my place I would be taking a good hard look at the relationship I had with my children, if they didn’t feel they could be open and honest about this, I would feel I failed them and would want to  hanger that going forward.

#60 EsmeLennox

Posted 08 January 2020 - 03:58 PM

View Posteilca, on 08 January 2020 - 03:51 PM, said:

I think we like to think that we can hear anything at night!  So it's a wake up call to know this is not true.

Yeah, I guess,  but not much to be done about that except staying awake in shifts.

#61 PatG

Posted 08 January 2020 - 04:01 PM

View Post~Jolly_F~, on 08 January 2020 - 03:56 PM, said:

Agree....

This is how it is at my house also.

I have a 16yo DD and I can’t fathom the reaction this mother is having, it seems ridiculously over the top to me.

If you are banning sex from the house you are shaming your kids for their decisions. You might like to think you aren’t but ultimately you are saying if you have sex you aren’t worthy of the safety and security of your home to do it in.

To be honest if this occurred at my place I would be taking a good hard look at the relationship I had with my children, if they didn’t feel they could be open and honest about this, I would feel I failed them and would want to  hanger that going forward.

At what age does the teenagers will have sex, let them do it at home, kick in?

#62 Chaotic Pogo

Posted 08 January 2020 - 04:01 PM

View PostKirralee2015, on 08 January 2020 - 03:39 PM, said:

Thank you everyone for all your replies.

I have used my girlfriend's words in my OP.  That's how she feels, I will not dismiss those feelings but I hope your responses give her a different perspective.

The having of consensual, safe sex is not the issue, it is very much the sneaking around, the lack of respect and betrayal of trust, having someone entering her house in the middle of the night unbeknown to her, the potential dangers of the boyfriend being out and about at that time - the list of what upsets both parents goes on.  I haven't been in their shoes, nor have I done what the children have done, it's all new ground to me.  I have no idea what, if any punishment, I would dole out.

Thank you again for your perspectives.

See, the kids wouldn’t be sneaking around about it if the having of safe consensual sex was NOT an issue in at least one if the families.  

The parents need to acknowledge that. Their house, their rules, but don’t conflate the issues, it’s gaslighting all involved.

#63 eilca

Posted 08 January 2020 - 04:06 PM

View Postborn.a.girl, on 08 January 2020 - 03:51 PM, said:

I doubt we'd be getting the same response/s from the parents if it had been a girlfriend from school who'd snuck in for a few hours after theoretical lights out.

Perhaps I don't feel that strongly about it because our daughter's friends were always welcome here, and I simply can't imagine the need for any of them to sneak in a window.


This IS about them having sex, make no doubt.

Can I say that my first response was based on my experience of my then then 15yo daughter sneaking in and out of our house. When we found out my husband I were in disbelief that we had been so oblivious. We could not believe that she was able to go up and down the stairs, in and out front door without us hearing a thing. I truly could not understand that we were unaware. It happened numerous times.  I can imagine the mum involved felt shock and disrespect.

Some of us are not agreeing with punishment or consequences but are acknowledging we can see why the mum felt "violated". I would not personally use this word but I can understand her feelings.

#64 ~Jolly_F~

Posted 08 January 2020 - 04:11 PM

View PostPatG, on 08 January 2020 - 04:01 PM, said:



At what age does the teenagers will have sex, let them do it at home, kick in?

For us it’s dependant on many factors, no hard and fast rules, we are open to the discussion and our kids know that, as it’s staring to happen.

EFS

Edited by ~Jolly_F~, 08 January 2020 - 04:13 PM.


#65 magic_marker

Posted 08 January 2020 - 04:12 PM

Identifying so deleted.

Edited by magicmrkeronashelf, 08 January 2020 - 06:27 PM.


#66 Ruf~Feral~es

Posted 08 January 2020 - 04:25 PM

View PostPatG, on 08 January 2020 - 04:01 PM, said:

At what age does the teenagers will have sex, let them do it at home, kick in?

My DD doesn't have a boyfriend and hasn't had one to date, so I haven't really come to a decision on that one.  

I think it will be dependent on the length of time of the relationship, and the level of respect and love I see between them.  I wouldn't be encouraging one night stands, or promoting her to take a relationship to the next level if I thought that either one of them was not in it completely. For example, if I saw DD treating her boyfriend with the sort of disdain she shows her younger brother, then I would not be encouraging them to get further emotionally involved, no matter what age.  But if they had a close and respectful relationship where they were committed to each other and respectful of the other - then I'd be guiding it not banning it.

For me, guidance about sex with a boyfriend is more around their emotional readiness, not just years.

And any rules I put in place would be more around reducing the risk of I or her younger brother walking in on them - I'm not ready to see that!

#67 JRA

Posted 08 January 2020 - 04:44 PM

Violated?  Really?

#68 seayork2002

Posted 08 January 2020 - 04:46 PM

View PostRuf~Feral~es, on 08 January 2020 - 04:25 PM, said:



My DD doesn't have a boyfriend and hasn't had one to date, so I haven't really come to a decision on that one.  

I think it will be dependent on the length of time of the relationship, and the level of respect and love I see between them.  I wouldn't be encouraging one night stands, or promoting her to take a relationship to the next level if I thought that either one of them was not in it completely. For example, if I saw DD treating her boyfriend with the sort of disdain she shows her younger brother, then I would not be encouraging them to get further emotionally involved, no matter what age.  But if they had a close and respectful relationship where they were committed to each other and respectful of the other - then I'd be guiding it not banning it.

For me, guidance about sex with a boyfriend is more around their emotional readiness, not just years.

And any rules I put in place would be more around reducing the risk of I or her younger brother walking in on them - I'm not ready to see that!

I was very i my 2 bed unit till i read this thread! I am telling DH we are moving!

#69 Hollycoddle

Posted 08 January 2020 - 04:56 PM

View PostMooGuru, on 08 January 2020 - 02:36 PM, said:

Part of me questions whether the level of feeling of betrayal and that they need to be punished is part of the reason for the sneaking around?
Punishment is only going to make that worse would be my guess.

Exactly. The girl obviously knows her parents (at least her mother) very well as it seems she's correctly anticipated what the reaction would have been even if she'd been open and honest.

#70 Chocolate Addict

Posted 08 January 2020 - 05:01 PM

What time of night are we talking about? How was the boy accessing the house? Did the girl leave a door unlocked or let him in via a window? Or did she meet him at the door and sneak him in?


Not sure why the boys mum thinks the girls needs punishing, she didn't drag him to her house, did she?

Talk about safety of roaming the streets alone late at night, talk about not being sneaky about he coming over, talk about safe sex.

Do these women remember what they got up to at that age? lol

#71 #mocha

Posted 08 January 2020 - 05:27 PM

I’d be looking at why the daughter felt like she couldn’t talk to her Mum.

Also why wasn’t the Mum talking to her daughter about sex, consent, protection, being emotionally ready.  

Yes they are uncomfortable conversations.  Would you rather she had sex at the beach, park, cars ect or the safety of her home?

Teenagers have sex, I do know some choose to abstain.

#72 Hands Up

Posted 08 January 2020 - 05:52 PM

View PostMooples, on 08 January 2020 - 02:22 PM, said:

So 2 consenting teenagers are having sex? I’m not sure why everyone is so shocked and upset?
Because they are sneaking around?

#73 Ellie bean

Posted 08 January 2020 - 05:56 PM

View PostMooGuru, on 08 January 2020 - 02:36 PM, said:

Part of me questions whether the level of feeling of betrayal and that they need to be punished is part of the reason for the sneaking around?
Punishment is only going to make that worse would be my guess.
Yep exactly.
Would she feel less violated if they were, say, having sex in a park? The whole “violation” thing is weird...
Now is the time for open non judgmental discussions NOT punishment imo

#74 aace

Posted 08 January 2020 - 06:03 PM

Any punishment doled out will pretty much guarantee that they will never tell the parents anything again. They will just get better at sneaking around. Any opportunity to model a respectful relationship with your teen and one where you teen can come to you for non judgemental advice will be lost.
Teenagers shouldn't be punished for having sex.
The reaction is totally OT and you are setting children up for having issues around having positive and healthy sexual relationships as well as breaking down the relationship between teen and parent.

#75 #notallcats

Posted 08 January 2020 - 06:04 PM

Violated might be a strong word to use but we have no idea of the background.  Having a male in the house, with no knowledge of it, could definitely be a violation.  Putting aside any personal history,  many people sleep naked, walk around the house with nothing on,... they have the right to know who's there.  

Some of these replies are really quite disingenuous.  You know no-one who doesn't want their teenagers having sex?  I'm going to put my hand up and say I'm probably not going to allow "sleep-overs" at 15.  And even if I did, what if the other parents didn't allow it?  So then sneaking is probably going to go on, unless you over-ride the other parents' decision.  It's not a reflection on the child's relationship with the parent, that comment seems OTT to me.




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