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Surprise present fail


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#1 Hypnic Jerk

Posted 09 January 2020 - 11:15 AM

I bought DD11 and experience for Christmas, but I tee'd it up with another mum for her DD to do the same and for them to go with my mum (while us Mothers dined in style).  All good.

I also asked the mother of another friend of hers.  So it's the 3 girls plus my mum.  Turns out 3rd girl and DD aren't the friends that I thought they were.  DD has screwed her nose up at the mention of her name and when queried said "we haven't had a fight, we just aren't friends.  She's just another person at school".  I'm taking DS out with me this arvo and tried to offload DD.  I suggested this girl and she said 'no', and sounded like she's suspicious I am trying to push them together.  

So DD and 2nd girl have been together and have not twigged that they are going together, despite knowing they are going on the same day.
The plan was to arrive at the train station together and....SURPRISE!!

Not sure weather to give her the heads up on it, to give her time to mentally prepare.

#2 laridae

Posted 09 January 2020 - 11:21 AM

Is girl 2 friends with girl 3? If so it could still work. If not, I think it's going to be awkward all around. Maybe give her a heads up on the way to the station.

#3 EsmeLennox

Posted 09 January 2020 - 11:24 AM

Why would the 3rd girl’s mother agree if she wasn’t also under the impression that they were friends? Are you sure there isn’t something more going on?

#4 Hypnic Jerk

Posted 09 January 2020 - 11:25 AM

2 and 3 are friends, but I'm getting the impression it's less than I thought.

To make it worse there's a possibility I may not be here on the day, though if that's the case I will get DH to take the day off work.  Flashy dining has been cancelled due to Mum 2 double-booking.

#5 Hypnic Jerk

Posted 09 January 2020 - 11:27 AM

View PostEsmeLennox, on 09 January 2020 - 11:24 AM, said:

Why would the 3rd girl’s mother agree if she wasn’t also under the impression that they were friends? Are you sure there isn’t something more going on?

This was organised back in  Nov/Dec.  And no, I'm not sure there's nothing more going on.  If I push DD she will bunker down.  It's always been very hard getting anything out of her.

#6 laridae

Posted 09 January 2020 - 11:32 AM

Is she likely to be rude or mean to girl 3 if she goes? Giving her a heads up could mean she doesn't want to go,  or it could give her a chance to get used to the idea and still be nice to her, even if they aren't friends.
I think girl 3 is going to be worse off out of the 3 of them.

Edited by laridae, 09 January 2020 - 11:33 AM.


#7 EsmeLennox

Posted 09 January 2020 - 11:33 AM

Oh yeah...I get it. Difficult situation.

#8 Feral-as-Meggs

Posted 09 January 2020 - 11:35 AM

Life lessons about surprise presents and being gracious I think.  

I’d sit her down and explain that you were trying to make a nice surprise, but now you aren’t sure, so you want to give her a heads up.  

Ask if there’s a specific issue with the girl(s) or they just aren’t friends.  Does she still want to go and be pleasant, or would she rather have a diplomatic illness?   Just like adults do when invited to an event where another attendee isn’t a favourite person.

#9 seayork2002

Posted 09 January 2020 - 11:53 AM

I would not surprise this on my son (now) I would explain to him as although your intentions were good of this is meant to be a nice present for your child then they should have full say on what happens now (just IMO).

#10 EsmeLennox

Posted 09 January 2020 - 11:56 AM

Feral-as-Meggs said:

1578533708[/url]' post='18543720']
Life lessons about surprise presents and being gracious I think.  

I’d sit her down and explain that you were trying to make a nice surprise, but now you aren’t sure, so you want to give her a heads up.  

Ask if there’s a specific issue with the girl(s) or they just aren’t friends.  Does she still want to go and be pleasant, or would she rather have a diplomatic illness?   Just like adults do when invited to an event where another attendee isn’t a favourite person.

A diplomatic illness is a bit tricky when the OP’s mother is the one taking them.

Edited by EsmeLennox, 09 January 2020 - 11:56 AM.


#11 magic_marker

Posted 09 January 2020 - 11:58 AM

2's company 3's a crowd.

Edited by magicmrkeronashelf, 09 January 2020 - 12:00 PM.


#12 José

Posted 09 January 2020 - 12:02 PM

View PostEsmeLennox, on 09 January 2020 - 11:56 AM, said:



A diplomatic illness is a bit tricky when the OP’s mother is the one taking them.

Yeah, i dont see a diplomatic illness working here!
It's the OP who has organised it all and arranged her mum to transport and supervise.  
It's not a large gathering organised by an outside party that would be easy to avoid.
You'd have to cancel the whole thing and then re-schedule without the 3rd girl. Who may then find out she wasn't invited to the rescheduled event. She might be ok with that or might not!
Or cancel and miss out on the experience gift altogether.

I think the OP needs to let her daughter know what's been planned and take it from there.

#13 K.heather

Posted 09 January 2020 - 12:03 PM

Is anyone else wondering what the experience is? Or am I just too nosy lol.

#14 Ivy Ivy

Posted 09 January 2020 - 12:07 PM

I'm team talk with your daughter and let her have time to think about it and decide what she would prefer to do.  Especially now you and she have had conversations about girl#3.

How terrible OP after all the organising work you've done for this!

But girl friendships change so fast at this age.

#15 K.heather

Posted 09 January 2020 - 12:09 PM

Ivy Ivy you are always wise with words.

#16 Hypnic Jerk

Posted 09 January 2020 - 12:32 PM

Allocated seating.  There is no exit plan available.  I'll be speaking with DD I feel.

And yes, my concern is 100% for girl 3.  Who is lovely.

#17 SarahBelle48

Posted 09 January 2020 - 12:48 PM

View PostK.heather, on 09 January 2020 - 12:03 PM, said:

Is anyone else wondering what the experience is? Or am I just too nosy lol.

Concert maybe? Probably Jojo Siwa, everyone seems to be going to that lol.

#18 Feral-as-Meggs

Posted 09 January 2020 - 01:28 PM

I was suggesting OPs daughter stay home if she can’t stand the other girl for a few hours  - not that OP cancel the other kids.

#19 Prancer is coming

Posted 09 January 2020 - 01:39 PM

If it is a concert or something else similar, the girls won’t really be doing a lot of interacting in the show, and the thrill of getting to go might take the focus off who else is going.  Or does she already know about the event, and just not who is going?

i feel a bit for your mum.  Is she hands on and on top of all this stuff?

#20 Tinky Winky Woo

Posted 09 January 2020 - 01:50 PM

It's an event, if it is allocated seating then there will be very little interaction between the 3 girls.  Tell them to suck it up and enjoy the experience, not the company.

And yes I would do this and yes I have done this to my own kids.  You don't have to like or even be friends with everyone but tolerance is a great thing and everyone deserves to be tolerated at times - even if they do not deserve it.

Don't ruin the experience for any of the girls, no one should miss out.

#21 got my tinsel on

Posted 09 January 2020 - 01:51 PM

I would tell your daughter, and explain that as there is no 'issue' with the other girl, just not someone she is a friend of, it's unfortunately time for your daughter to learn that sometimes to get what you want, you need to suck it up.

They may not be friends, but that doesn't give your daughter the right to be unkind or rude to girl 3.  It could simply be that your daughter and girl 3 haven't had a lot of interaction before to know whether they could be friends or not.

#22 got my tinsel on

Posted 09 January 2020 - 01:52 PM

Snap Tinky Winky Woo.

#23 Kreme

Posted 09 January 2020 - 01:53 PM

I think I’d be focusing on briefing grandma even more than your DD! Sounds like you might have to gift her a fine dining experience at the end of this!

For the future - avoid groups of 3 at all costs. It rarely works.

For now - scrap the surprise and tell your DD. But if this girl is lovely and hasn’t done anything to deserve being shunned then I’d want a promise of best behaviour. There’s nothing worse for a tween than suddenly finding yourself on the outer for no apparent reason.

#24 Dianalynch

Posted 09 January 2020 - 02:26 PM

yeah i'd give her a head's up, ask her to be gracious as a favour to you, and point out if it's a concert or similar there won't be much interaction anyway, and that you won't put her through a meal afterwards or anything

#25 EsmeLennox

Posted 09 January 2020 - 02:43 PM

View PostFeral-as-Meggs, on 09 January 2020 - 01:28 PM, said:

I was suggesting OPs daughter stay home if she can’t stand the other girl for a few hours  - not that OP cancel the other kids.
.

And who’s taking them? That’s leaving the other parents in the lurch...unless the OP’s Mum is ok with taking two random kids!

I’d be talking with my DD about it and encouraging her to make it a positive experience for all of them... who knows it might be a way for the friendship to recover or blossom (depending on what the actual situation is).




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