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Son hitting others at daycare- they want to reduce days


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#1 bluemama

Posted 20 January 2020 - 07:31 PM

My DS3 does sometimes hits and pushes other kids, I get told on the days he acts up and daycare has been trying to implement different strategies to help him,he doesn't always play up there are days where there is no issues and he is really good and then there is one day where it goes bad

They have said he doesn't like to share toys and gets possessive over toys and can get jealous sometimes if he sees his fav carer, and he does have a fav carer,hugging other kids.

Now I know he can be rough and I'm not excusing him but I think one of his biggest trigger is language and expressing himself when he can't he gets frustrated and hits. This behaviour happens at  home as well but lately he's starting to say sorry more to me and his sister when he does hit

Today at pick up daycare suggested to drop his days from 5 days to 3 and see how he goes,and if I could I would do it without any hesitation but I'm a working single mum with no family or support,no-one to look after him,I'm already working reduced hours at work and they won't approve for more reducing of hours

When they told me that I nearly burst into tears,I'm trying so hard with him and he has improved at home but at daycare on some days he has a bad day what more can I do

#2 VVV

Posted 20 January 2020 - 07:37 PM

Sorry to hear you are going through this. My DD 3 recently went through a period when she was getting quite frustrated. Every time I would say to her can you tell me why you’re upset - can you tell me why you’re sad, I understand that you are feeling upset is that because x and y etc. She now will voice to me that she is upset or angry and why without me even having to ask her now and it means that we can talk about it together and the frustration dissipates. Do you think this is something you can try?

#3 gigihopeful2016

Posted 20 January 2020 - 07:40 PM

Wow that is such a tough situation.
I’ve just started DS at day care so I’m feeling some heightened emotions at the moment.
I think I would go straight to GP, discuss situation, referral to child psychologist?
Speech therapist?
Would day care be happy if you shared that you had seen your GP and or psychologist and You had a plan of action
But I guess doing this will also require leave from work etc
So tough doing it on your own, I can’t imagine doing it all on my own.
? Would changing centres be even harder on him?

Edited by gigihopeful2016, 20 January 2020 - 07:42 PM.


#4 daybreaker

Posted 20 January 2020 - 07:48 PM

I hate it when daycare/preschool try to cut hours rather than help the child. My DS has ASD and could be difficult at preschool and I had to pick him up early the 1st year and then thee 2nd year I said no. He had language difficulties too and couldn't express his frustrations so would sometimes hit.

I think the best thing to do is model the right behaviour. So if he gets upset show him what to do rather than hit e.g. "we say no if we don't like it" or "we share the toy and hand it over." It might be worth getting a child psychologist (expensive I know) to come in and observe and then give her suggestions to the carers about what to do as well.

Although I wonder why carers don't know how to handle these issues better, or at all, as not all children are angels. I've seen failures with other children too at other preschools.

#5 bluemama

Posted 20 January 2020 - 08:00 PM

They have tried to distract him,telling him to be kind and hitting is not nice and it's like it's everyday it happens when it's a good day they say he is so helpful and likes to pack up and wants to help but also has days where he gets frustrated.

Today at home he told me other kids hit him this is the first time  he has said anything like that now I know he might not have meant it but considering he starting to speak and lately is developing more language and talking more to me maybe that's a good thing

He is just a really sweet and affectionate boy that is also cheeky,likes to see if he can push boundaries I'm hoping he can come through this, there is no other issues apart from this

#6 PocketIcikleflakes

Posted 20 January 2020 - 08:08 PM

It may be worth asking the daycare if anything is different on the hitting days.

Could it be something he eats that gives him a sore tummy and makes everything harder. A particular other child? A carer? Is there any correlation with a late night or early morning?

Is it particular days of the week or days that the centre is busier or noisier etc?

#7 José

Posted 20 January 2020 - 08:23 PM

If you think it's tied to language it would be worth getting a language assessment done.
A psychologist can also help with strategies.
And if daycare can see how proactive you re being in seeking help
They might feel more able to keep having him attend full time.
Do they have any access to anyone who can come and do observations and make recommendations? Or access to funding for additional support?

#8 Daffy2016

Posted 20 January 2020 - 08:41 PM

OP, I’m very sorry you’re in this difficult spot. I really feel for you and your little boy.

My DD is two and had a kid who was very physical at her previous daycare. He was about the same age but a bit bigger than the others, and he would hit, push, throw things at other kids, shove them etc.

After he scratched DD quite badly on the face I spoke to daycare about what they could do to support the carers. They were working on what triggered him and had some professionals coming in to observe him. But ultimately they really needed another carer to shadow him and didn’t have the funding to do so, being daycare rather than school.

We left shortly after because we moved house, but I think they had also moved the boy into the older room where he was more challenged and the kids were a bit bigger.

#9 Ocean waves

Posted 20 January 2020 - 08:46 PM

I’ve been pushed around my teachers and school in my time and looking back I wish I had the confidence to speak up and question the advice to collect early or stay home days or miss “special event” days. Your child needs to be well supported during the day. He needs structured and help, if they can do that for three days, why can’t they do that for 5? What else is going to be achieved by skipping 2 days? If daycare bullies you about it then start looking for a new one. I’ve cried more tears than I should of over teachers with crappy advice who didn’t have the skills to help my child but instead of saying they didn’t the skill set to help, they made me feel like the worst parent. Work with them to help your child but you can’t give them an instant fix any more than they can. Avoidance/exclusion isn’t a solution, it’s a cop out.

Another suggestion to reduce frustration is closed choices? Instead of saying open questions like are you hungry? What do you want to eat? Try closed questions like do you want an apple or a banana?

I think a trip to your GP or health clinic nurse might be beneficial so they can advise you if further action is required or not.

#10 Prancer is coming

Posted 20 January 2020 - 08:56 PM

This sounds hard.  It is really easy to get emotional, so is it worth sending the daycare an email?  I would advise that I need to work time, that you acknowledge that hitting is not appropriate behaviour and triggers you have noticed.  I would advise that you are working on the issue at home and feel it is a stage linked to limited language, but ask if they think there is something else going on.  Advise them that you are happy to consult with a specialist if they feel it is warranted and would like to work with them to ensure your son is successful at daycare.

i figured the educators are qualified?  It is really hard to know if they are not experienced and don’t know how to manage your son, or they may have further valid concerns.

#11 Islander

Posted 20 January 2020 - 09:07 PM

Could you ask daycare if inclusion support is an option for supporting your son? Such a hard place to be in, given you really don’t have other options. I’d see if you can make a meeting with the director to look at everything you both can do to help your boy be less frustrated, if they have anyone they can call in to assess him or write up a behaviour support plan, if they can create any sensory play zones that help him regulate (We all have things that help us calm), whether ‘filling his cup’ with some targeted time with his favourite educator helps, all that kind of stuff. Good luck.

#12 PuddingPlease

Posted 20 January 2020 - 09:11 PM

View PostOcean waves, on 20 January 2020 - 08:46 PM, said:

I’ve been pushed around my teachers and school in my time and looking back I wish I had the confidence to speak up and question the advice to collect early or stay home days or miss “special event” days. Your child needs to be well supported during the day. He needs structured and help, if they can do that for three days, why can’t they do that for 5? What else is going to be achieved by skipping 2 days? If daycare bullies you about it then start looking for a new one. I’ve cried more tears than I should of over teachers with crappy advice who didn’t have the skills to help my child but instead of saying they didn’t the skill set to help, they made me feel like the worst parent. Work with them to help your child but you can’t give them an instant fix any more than they can. Avoidance/exclusion isn’t a solution, it’s a cop out.

Another suggestion to reduce frustration is closed choices? Instead of saying open questions like are you hungry? What do you want to eat? Try closed questions like do you want an apple or a banana?

I think a trip to your GP or health clinic nurse might be beneficial so they can advise you if further action is required or not.

That seems unfair, presumably the kinder has suggested reducing days because they believe that he is experiencing fatigue and struggling with so many days in a row and would benefit from more down time. It's possible that it might help but as it is not a viable option for the OP and her family, it would be unreasonable of them to push this option further.

I'm a bit unclear on exactly what was discussed though, the original post makes me think that it was just an option suggested by a staff member but some of the comments read like the centre is insisting on reduced hours. If it was just a suggestion then I certainly wouldn't consider it bullying.

#13 bluemama

Posted 20 January 2020 - 09:28 PM

Daycare said they will be reducing days as of next week I told them it's not possible for me due to me working the staff member said she will speak with the second in charge of the centre who acts on behalf of the director

They only told me today at pick up I felt like I was cornered and backed into a corner just casually mentioned it as of next week he should drop hours also believe there must be a trigger somewhere at the centre otherwise he would act up everyday consistently?

I'm not going to give up on my son and I will continue to work with him at home and keep updating the centre with what I'm doing, just makes me feel guilty and feel like I'm letting my son down feel silly but I'm in tears right now

Thanks for reading sorry for the essay

#14 Prancer is coming

Posted 20 January 2020 - 09:37 PM

Can you have a read of their policies (hopefully on their website, otherwise ask them for them) around excluding?  Telling you they are dropping days with less than 1 week’s notice would be really stressful and unhelpful.  I would think they are hoping you will agree, but unsure if it can be enforced.

i only have kids in after school care now, but there are clear steps, including meetings with centre manager, before a child can be excluded.  Our centre can also get extra funding to assist too.  If there was a critical incident with him really hurting someone I could understand it, but from what you are posted it does not sound major.  Pretty common for little ones to go through hitting stages I would have thought.  Makes me wonder if there is a vocal parent upset that her child got hit.

#15 PuddingPlease

Posted 20 January 2020 - 09:39 PM

View Postbluemama, on 20 January 2020 - 09:28 PM, said:

Daycare said they will be reducing days as of next week I told them it's not possible for me due to me working the staff member said she will speak with the second in charge of the centre who acts on behalf of the director

They only told me today at pick up I felt like I was cornered and backed into a corner just casually mentioned it as of next week he should drop hours also believe there must be a trigger somewhere at the centre otherwise he would act up everyday consistently?

I'm not going to give up on my son and I will continue to work with him at home and keep updating the centre with what I'm doing, just makes me feel guilty and feel like I'm letting my son down feel silly but I'm in tears right now

Thanks for reading sorry for the essay

Oh you poor thing, that sounds awful!

Ignore my previous post, I had no idea. What on Earth do they expect you to do?

I have no suggestions but I think Prancer's one about an email outlining everything is a good one.

Do not feel guilty, it sounds like you are doing everything that you can to support your boy!

#16 Heather11

Posted 20 January 2020 - 09:41 PM

Is it possible to source family day care?  Even for just the days that LDC wants to reduce.

It will be quieter and probably less demands placed on him in FDC.

Edited by Heather11, 20 January 2020 - 09:43 PM.


#17 Grrrumbles

Posted 20 January 2020 - 09:41 PM

Even if you had agreed this with the Centre as a strategy to trial, not many working parents would be able to implement this change within a week.

You should be dealing directly with the Director on something so significant. Many Centres do not have experienced room leaders, qualified yes, but sometimes they struggle to retain staff so people are elevated to leadership roles they are not equipped for.

I would refuse to implement this until a meeting occurs with the Centre leadership. They should be seeking advice from either government or paid consultants if they cannot develop strategies for your child’s needs.

Have you been happy with the Centre up until now? Now that he is 3 there may be some alternatives nearby, even an ELC of a private school or stand alone kinder.

#18 blimkybill

Posted 20 January 2020 - 09:47 PM

View Postbluemama, on 20 January 2020 - 09:28 PM, said:

Daycare said they will be reducing days as of next week I told them it's not possible for me due to me working the staff member said she will speak with the second in charge of the centre who acts on behalf of the director

They only told me today at pick up I felt like I was cornered and backed into a corner just casually mentioned it as of next week he should drop hours also believe there must be a trigger somewhere at the centre otherwise he would act up everyday consistently?

I'm not going to give up on my son and I will continue to work with him at home and keep updating the centre with what I'm doing, just makes me feel guilty and feel like I'm letting my son down feel silly but I'm in tears right now

Thanks for reading sorry for the essay
Oh goodness that is really not fair on you. They shouldn't just reduce his days because they are finding him hard. And even if you did agree to reduced days, they should give you a lot more notice.
I suggest asking to meet with the director ASAP. Tell the director you are not happy about this and that you can't just stay hoe with him those days, you need to work. Also ask them why the reduced days and why those days. Is there someone else at the centre on those days that he clashes with perhaps?
If at the end of the day they are not willing to help you, I would consider either finding another daycare, or doing a few days at daycare then using family day care 2-3 days a week. The smaller quieter environment of family day care might result in less stress for him and therefore hitting. but of course you need more than one week to organise this.

#19 Backtoschoolchef

Posted 20 January 2020 - 09:56 PM

View PostPuddingPlease, on 20 January 2020 - 09:11 PM, said:

That seems unfair, presumably the kinder has suggested reducing days because they believe that he is experiencing fatigue and struggling with so many days in a row and would benefit from more down time. It's possible that it might help but as it is not a viable option for the OP and her family, it would be unreasonable of them to push this option further.

Depending on the situation they could also be asking because they only get funding for additional aides for a set number of hours and they need to shadow him more closely but don't have the staffing.

#20 magic_marker

Posted 20 January 2020 - 10:05 PM

Just popped in here quickly to say is it at all possible you could try the empathy route.
Talking about your feeling and expressing them to him.
It could give him more language to express himself.
I have heard this is used as a strategy.
Sorry you are going through this. Sounds tough.

#21 lumack

Posted 20 January 2020 - 11:00 PM

Call a meeting with the director and room leader. Ask to see the records and incident forms detailing the problem behaviour. They should have been tracking it, and noting down any potential triggers/what happened before the event, the event, and then what happened immediately after the event.  If they don't have these records look for a new centre asap.

Ask them what they are doing to support your child, and if they have any suggestions on ways you can furthet support him.  Ask them about inclusion support. If it were my child, i would follow up on the speech problem by getting a hearing test done and booking a speech therapy appointment.

I wouldn't let them drop the days unless they have been flagging the behaviour for a while and have valid reason. Check the policies of the service so that you know what their behaviour management strategies are. I would also insist that they give the same amount of notice you are required to give to them in order to change hours eg if they expect you to give 4wks notice that you intend to dtop 2 days, they should also give you that notice.  Hpnestly though, unless he is a danger to the staff, othet children or himself, i can't see what would be achieved by forcong him out those 2 days.


#22 PhillipaCrawford

Posted 21 January 2020 - 06:28 AM

Is this the first time they have mentioned they are having difficulties with him?

I hate the idea of dropping days and have never suggested it to any of my parents but I wonder if there is something else going on.

#23 bluemama

Posted 21 January 2020 - 06:34 AM

This morning at drop off the carer said when kids bump into him he gets a little frustrated but doesn't hit right away I said to her maybe he gets provoked as kids can do which might cause him to act out I'm not excusing his behaviour as he is in wrong but I feel like there are other factors

Don't know about spreadsheets but they say they keep observing and keeping an eye on him,parents have said something so I assume this is why they suggested this apart from hitting there is no issues at hand

Is excluding him really the answer here I told them I'm working on him at home and reinforcing that he shouldnt touch others and hands to himself etc

#24 bluemama

Posted 21 January 2020 - 06:56 AM

I looked up their policies and there was a mention of them access to KU inclusion support which they can apply for if things don't get better maybe that could be an option

How would it work? Has anyone had experience with this?

#25 newmumandexcited

Posted 21 January 2020 - 07:20 AM

I am not really experienced in this area, but what I will say is that I would not accept the dropping of days ‘next week’ - life doesn’t adjust that quickly. I’d ask for way more notice.




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