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3 year old refuses to share & possessive


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#1 bluemama

Posted 22 January 2020 - 01:38 PM

For the last two months, my DS3 is refusing to share toys with other kids and can be possessive over them.

i always explain to him that he must take turns with his friends and needs to share but he always says no and refuses to do so.

At home i've noticed with his 5 year old sister, he seems to be better at sharing and playing along with her on most occasions without much problems. From  feedback received at daycare, it sounds like with other kids attending he refuses with them in their words is territorial with toys/equipment.

what other things can i do to help him at home other than modelling right behaviour/explaining the right actions.

daycare is currently in the middle of developing and implementing a reward system

#2 Lou-bags

Posted 22 January 2020 - 02:02 PM

Unpopular opinion: I don't make my boys share their own toys, not with each other and not with other visiting kids. They do share them, but I allow them to do it on their terms.

And I do, however, tell them that it's unkind to play right in front of someone with a toy they won't share so I will ask them to move away from each other if they won't share.

Shared/communal items is different, of course. But sharing is a tricky skill to learn.

With my kids, I don't make them give up the shared item too quickly (so they get a proper turn and don't feel like they have to defend their time with it so to speak), and I also work on encouraging the other one to wait. My 3yo is pretty good but is quite funny when he hogs something and yells at his older brother "You have to be patient!". Another thing I've found helpful is talking to each of them about how the other might be feeling, how hard it is to wait, and how hard it is to stop doing something fun etc.

If they don't give it up in a reasonable time, then I 'help' them by physically intervening.

(or I drink wine/coffee/both alone in the kitchen and shout out "just be nice to each other, please..."- this method is not effective at all).

#3 Apageintime

Posted 22 January 2020 - 02:16 PM

I too have never made my child share personal toys, especially with rando kids at play grounds and such.

We talk baout how its kind to share, and taking turns etc and at 5 now he's really good with it, but at 3... not so much.

I think its just something you keep talking about and then they get better at it as their impulse control gets better

#4 PuddingPlease

Posted 22 January 2020 - 02:41 PM

I could be wrong but I don't think the toys in dispute are his. If the centre has (for example) a play kitchen and cooking set and he is angry when the other kids go near it then that will need to be resolved. Even if he doesn't have to share at home to the same extent.

OP, is it all toys he won't share or are there one or two things that he likes to have to himself? I am presuming that these are toys which belong at the centre, not toys he is bringing in from home.

#5 Luci

Posted 22 January 2020 - 02:46 PM

IMO sharing can be a difficult concept for little ones to get their heads around. It seems simple for adults but for a 2 or 3 year old to understand the idea of two people claiming equal ownership over a coveted item - can be disaster.

OP I don't have any great ideas except perhaps as mentioned by a PP the idea of sharing - you can play for a while then X can play for a while. Then you can have another turn later.  The penny does eventually drop. Hang in there.

#6 José

Posted 22 January 2020 - 02:48 PM

View PostPuddingPlease, on 22 January 2020 - 02:41 PM, said:

I could be wrong but I don't think the toys in dispute are his. If the centre has (for example) a play kitchen and cooking set and he is angry when the other kids go near it then that will need to be resolved. Even if he doesn't have to share at home to the same extent.

OP, is it all toys he won't share or are there one or two things that he likes to have to himself? I am presuming that these are toys which belong at the centre, not toys he is bringing in from home.

This is my understanding too. And the OP i think has posted about daycare wanting to reduce his days due to his behaviour there.

I do agree it's ok to have some  special personal toys you don't have to share. However, these shouldn't be taken to daycare.

A social story might be useful. As well as modelling and practicing at a time when everyone is calm and fresh. Eg we will all go outside and play and take turns with xx toy. Maybe use a timer. Either you get one turn then it's someone else's turn or use a timer and when time is up it's someone else's turn.

Praise. Over the top whenever he shares. Even if under your guidance.

#7 Lou-bags

Posted 22 January 2020 - 03:40 PM

View PostPuddingPlease, on 22 January 2020 - 02:41 PM, said:

I could be wrong but I don't think the toys in dispute are his.

Perhaps my PP lead to your confusion on this one, as I did speak about this (thought the bulk of my post did deal with shared items). I only mentioned it as OP was asking for ideas to support her child learn to share and take turns at home, and I thought it was relevant to make the distinction between how I deal with personal belongings vs shared belongings.

Like Jose, I don't think kids should bring in personal items they are not prepared to share (comfort items excepted) to childcare or school. I'd even argue that even items they are happy to share would be better left at home.

#8 Mmmcheese

Posted 22 January 2020 - 03:55 PM

For 3 year Olds, daycare should have multiple copies of the same toys to avoid this. 3 years are still learning, so they should be down at his level working with to model and guide. Reward systems are usually ineffective for this kind of thing. Often, children need to mature developmentally before they can share and turn take. You can practice with him at home and help him to see the benefits of turn taking (someone to play with!). Something like taking it in turns to build a tower with blocks. You build a tower then hand him the blocks and say 'your turn' then 'my turn' when you build one. It takes time, but the centre should be well equipped to handle this normal developmental stage.

#9 Caribou

Posted 23 January 2020 - 05:18 AM

My nearly 3yo isn’t a fan of sharing either. We’ve tried educating him on it but he’s damn good at twisting it back onto him. Like: if he wants his 8yo sisters LEGO which he’s naturally not allowed to, he will tell his sister she has to share! Never mind we’ve explained about personal toys and she’s not allowed to play with his toys unless he says ok too.

Point is, there will come a time he’ll start sharing. It’s just going to take time. From memory boys tend to develop maturity slower than girls. Keep reminding him sharing non personal toys and practice handing a toy back and forth to show he does get it back after a couple mins if he shares as well as encouraging him to enjoy the toy he has while he waits for the other to come back.

I wouldn’t stress about him not getting it. It does sound like a phase. Not a fun one but it will pass.

#10 PhillipaCrawford

Posted 23 January 2020 - 07:13 AM

I would have thought this was normal

And not something that should be 'corrected' with a reward system.
is there another day care you can use? Reduced hours, rewards for sharing? This lot don't seem worth it.

#11 newmumandexcited

Posted 23 January 2020 - 07:26 AM

It’s really an age thing - all my three sons have been like this. Why would they want to share? They don’t understand the social benefits at this time.

#12 Not Escapin Xmas

Posted 23 January 2020 - 09:00 AM

OP, is this when your son is hitting other kids? That would explain why daycare is looking at a reward system...




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