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Did you worry about your partner being too old when considering children?
86 replies to this topic
Posted 09 February 2020 - 12:27 AM
After a few years of truly being undecided about wanting another child, my heart has really settled on wanting another. My DH however turns 44 this year and I am petrified that if all goes to plan he’ll be 55 when the child is 10, 65 when the child is 20 etc. I feel like I would be letting the child down by not having young parents, and by letting my DH down in not having decided on this earlier (my DH is doesn’t mind either way.) Any experiences of overcoming these worries? I guess I feel panicked and like I’m damned if I do and damned if I don’t. Also, DD is almost four so we aren’t the youngest of parent anyway.
Posted 09 February 2020 - 12:35 AM
In the 40's, no I wouldn't worry about that at all. Plenty of parents having kids in their 40's.
Posted 09 February 2020 - 02:05 AM
We had our third and final last month. Dh is 45 today and I'm 30 atm. It's easier if you look at the family as a whole. While dh may be older, the kids will have siblings, aunts, uncles, friends etc of all ages and once you're both healthy, it's not really a that big of a factor.
Posted 09 February 2020 - 05:43 AM
Not really, but DH is my age and at 36 I was worried that I was getting too old! Personally I wouldn't be worried about a 40 something father of a newborn being too old.
If both of you are on board with having another child, go for it. You'll have a nice age gap where your eldest will be at school / able to be more independent during the day.
Posted 09 February 2020 - 05:49 AM
It wouldn’t be a concern for me in the 40’s.
Having said that - a male work colleague is 62 and he just announced to the office that he and his wife are having their first baby mid this year. Whilst I am thrilled for them - the thought of dealing with teens in my 70’s on a full time basis did make me inhale quickly. I am sure for them it won’t be an issue based on their personalities.
Edited by MarciaB, 09 February 2020 - 06:26 AM.
Posted 09 February 2020 - 06:15 AM
My impression is that parents in their 40s is relatively common now. Are you younger than your DH, since you do not mention your age as something you are concerned about?
Posted 09 February 2020 - 06:35 AM
45 would probably be the cap for me for DH. if we desperately wanted another. That’s DH’s age now with a four and five year old. He says he wishes he was younger.
Posted 09 February 2020 - 06:42 AM
From teaching perspective that isn't unusual these days. I am in my 50's teaching preschool and am now having parents my age.
yes it would be easier younger - on you and him.
But it is a different conversation about going back for 5 or 6 compared to number 2.
I wouldn't hesitate
Posted 09 February 2020 - 06:47 AM
It would not have stopped me if I wanted another child, but it is worth bearing in mind that sperm quality does decrease with age. Not just number, but gene mutations that have been identified as risk factors for developmental disorders such as ASD and ADHD.
Gene mutations are also implicated in the maternal line, but unlike men, egg dna doesn't mutate through the mothers life.
Of course, the particular genes may not mutate, or be inherited, or expressed in any particular child.
Posted 09 February 2020 - 07:03 AM
No. Our last son was born when I was 38 and DH was 47. His brother had his only child at 58!
Posted 09 February 2020 - 07:18 AM
Um... well, we were 39 (me) and 53 (DH) when our youngest was born, and 37 and 51 for his older sister, so I guess we've let them down. Look at it this way... either if you could die young and let them down with or without an age cap (wtf?) As an older parent, with a partner who is easily old enough to be our younger two's grandfather (and has actually been mistaken for their grandfather despite being very fit and healthy for 55), you're all sounding a bit ageist. And I know, I know, legitimate concerns blah blah blah, but still... deciding that someone is too old to have children is not cool.
Posted 09 February 2020 - 07:57 AM
DH was 56 for our first and 58 for our second. I was 27 and 29. Our regrets have nothing to with his age.
Posted 09 February 2020 - 08:02 AM
My DH was 43 and 45 (I was 35 & 37) when our children were born.. we don’t feel like we’ve let them down but sometimes think what it will be like as the kids grow older.. for us, it is what it is - I wish we’d met each other younger, married younger, didn’t struggle to conceive for so long etc but at the end of the day we have a beautiful family and hope to stay healthy as they grow older
Posted 09 February 2020 - 08:06 AM
I wouldn’t in our 40s...50s it would cross my mind.
it’s not unusual for first time parents to be in the 40’s these days. 50’s.....hmmm, it’s getting on. i think there is a point at which you are too old to have kids.
Edited by Lucrezia Bauble, 09 February 2020 - 08:24 AM.
Posted 09 February 2020 - 08:19 AM
In my own, personal situation, my DH and I would be too exhausted to have kids in our 50s. That said, DH was 39 when our twins were born. We did have a bit of a "clock is ticking" type of attitude due to DHs age - we have a 12 year age gap though, so my fertility wasn't really an issue. He also has male factor infertility, so we just got on with IVF when we found that out.
If I were considering children now, at this age, when DH is about to turn 50, and life has worn is both out, I'd probably think again. But that's us, not indicative of how I view other couples and their decisions regarding when to start their family.
I just know that I'm not even 40 and I'm already worn out 😕 but that's probably more to do with raising twins, both with special needs. I'm sure my opinion and energy levels would be different if I was childless. So I guess my answer is pretty pointless.
Posted 09 February 2020 - 08:22 AM
Hell no, it wouldn't have been a consideration at that age.
If my health had permitted it (and I was late to menopause, so not unrealistic) I'd have had a second and third in my early forties, and him mid forties.
Given my age now, (67) what I see around me are a few people with partners more than 15 years older than then, being carers for them. Two would not be able to live at home without their much younger partner being a carer.
In one case it also means the early twenty something sometimes has to do the shift of someone else being at home, which is something the mother tries to avoid. She wants them to have only the same responsibilities other people their age have.
There are no guarantees in life, but there are probabilities.
Posted 09 February 2020 - 08:45 AM
I was 38 when DS16 was born and almost 43 when DS12 was born.
I doubt DP considered my advanced years at all, and I don’t feel any real issues unless I dwell on it.
Posted 09 February 2020 - 08:51 AM
It entirely depends on the person, their health and their preferences.
I know 60 year old men with young children who do a much better job than some 30 year olds.
Posted 09 February 2020 - 08:56 AM
I agree with the other PPs. Mum or Dad being in their 40s is common nowadays.
I personally would not want to be starting or adding to a family after the age of 50, but that's just me and my level of tiredness and trying to juggle kids / work / home.
Posted 09 February 2020 - 09:07 AM
We had our eldest (12 this year) at 27 (me) and 32 (DH), and are typically at 10 - 15 years younger than most of the other parents in the area.
I'm an ECT, and most of the parents of my 4 year olds are still a little older than me, and shocked I have a kid starting highschoool next year.
Posted 09 February 2020 - 09:09 AM
It was one of my considerations in stopping TTC. Not my partner's age, but my own as he's 7 years younger than me.
That said, it's purely a personal choice.
Posted 09 February 2020 - 09:11 AM
I was 34, husband 40 for no 2 and 36 and 42 for no 2.
No issues for us now we our 18 and nearly 17 year old. Much banter about us being old farts, but zero issues.
Posted 09 February 2020 - 09:17 AM
For us, we agreed we didn’t want children late in life. We wanted the option of early retirement without the responsibility of minor children. Of course, conception doesn’t always work to plan, but we were lucky to have a small gap (to condense the hard years) in our late 20s to early 30s.
We have both experienced unexpected ill health since becoming parents. We are so grateful we had the kids when we did because waiting until our 40s would’ve probably meant we would be childless.
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