Jump to content

9 almost 10 yo boy gets angry easily


  • Please log in to reply
23 replies to this topic

#1 3rd time lucky

Posted 10 February 2020 - 03:57 PM

Hi....

My 9.5 yo DS gets so cranky... mainly when he’s tired, hungry, getting sick etc.

He has always had a short fuse by nature, which has gotten better with age. And this last year we’ve been thinking how great it is that he seems so much happier and less prone to cracking the sh&#s.

But just recently he seems to be getting short fused again.

I wondered if others had experienced this at this age.. is it a pre puberty thing, with hormone (testosterone) surges etc!??

My DD at 11 just got her period, and I noticed mood changes in her from a similar age. It’s just seemed normal to understand he moods were often hormone based.
So, I wondered if a similar thing happens with boys???

Thanks.

#2 CrankyM

Posted 10 February 2020 - 04:17 PM

Maybe going back to school is making him a bit more short tempered? Some kids can take a bit to get back into the routine. In saying that my 9.5yr old is a grumpy cat at the moment. The tantrums over silly little things and when he doesn’t get his way. He’s not an angry kid though. Mine is also in year 4 and the transition to being part of the senior school and with higher expectations in behaviour, independence and signing up for different responsibilities is playing a part. We just make sure to talk and hug and let him know that we don’t take our feelings out on others but that it’s ok to feel that way. That everyone is emotional at times and big feels can be overwhelming. And when we don’t want to feel like this here are some ways we can process the emotion until we feel better.

#3 3rd time lucky

Posted 10 February 2020 - 04:31 PM

Yeah - he was delightful over the holidays.
I’m thinking it could be tiredness from back to school??

Also, my DD has just gotten over a cold, now I have it... perhaps it’s brewing for him, making his tolerance low?

#4 3rd time lucky

Posted 10 February 2020 - 04:32 PM

That’s great tips and advice Maya the Grinch! I’ll save it for when he’s happier and calmer to talk sense with him!

#5 Lady Monteagle

Posted 11 February 2020 - 08:52 AM

Another short-tempered just-turned-10-year-old here, who has got wayyyy worse this last year (i.e. as a 9 year old).  I feel like mayyyybe he's getting a liiiiiitle bit more able to talk about it now, and even moderate it if we catch it in time?

No hot tips sadly.  Just "yes us too".

#6 EsmeLennox

Posted 11 February 2020 - 12:06 PM

Yep, I can relate, too.

They are growing, they are turning into their ‘own person’ and beginning to forge their own identity more solidly. This, combined with pre-puberty stuff, leads to various moods. And you know, some kids are just crankier than others, I reckon.

One thing I have found useful is to talk ‘around’ the issue...rather than directly saying ‘you’re really cranky and you need to x,’ I’ve found it useful to engineer an opportunity to talk about managing my own feelings and moods etc, or find an opportunity in a TV show or book to talk about a character’s behaviour.

At the moment, I have one who is a bit of a couch potato. I’m doing a lot of talking ‘around’ the issue, in terms of the importance of keeping active etc etc... So last night, the child in question brought up his plan for being more active. He is a bit older than your child, but I’ve found this method of giving them something to think about to be quite useful. They often process it in their own time and then come up with a solution.

#7 CrankyM

Posted 11 February 2020 - 12:59 PM

Esme we also talk around the problem as well. I know my kid is particular it is around him not eating enough food or getting quality sleep... both ongoing issues.

#8 3rd time lucky

Posted 11 February 2020 - 04:37 PM

Thanks for the replies ... parenting is so hard, and it’s nice to know we’re not alone (although of course I don’t wish anyone else a hard time!!).

As with most things... it’s a phase. I must remember- this too shall pass, so enjoy the good, and try to survive the bad.

#9 CrankyM

Posted 11 February 2020 - 04:45 PM

View Post3rd time lucky, on 11 February 2020 - 04:37 PM, said:

Thanks for the replies ... parenting is so hard, and it’s nice to know we’re not alone (although of course I don’t wish anyone else a hard time!!).

As with most things... it’s a phase. I must remember- this too shall pass, so enjoy the good, and try to survive the bad.

In all honesty it does get better or it becomes different. And being honest, I much prefer this age over the non-sleeping baby, the feral toddler and the possessed pre-schooler years :lol:

At least a 9yr old I can mostly talk too, annoy them with random hugs and cuddles and irritate them by telling them how much I love them and get a somewhat human response. I do a lot of love-bombing to get them out of the dumps though. It's an awesome feeling to hug a kid and tell you how much you love him until he whines muuuuuuuuuuummmmmm and cries mercy. He finds it embarrassing but my older child laps it up (and so does the 9yr old if no-one is watching) ;)

Edited by MayaTheGrinch, 11 February 2020 - 04:45 PM.


#10 3rd time lucky

Posted 28 February 2020 - 03:53 PM

Op again here.

So we’ve had another bad afternoon with my DS.

He was so angry after school. Short version - he’s angry at me because there has been a misunderstanding between what I said at a parent teacher interview, and what has gotten back to him from the teacher. Still not entirely clear what happened, as he wasn’t making much sense. His teacher is great - and I’m confident it is a misunderstanding. I’ll chat with her next week to figure that out.

Anyway - during his anger he was saying awful things - he hates me, I’ve ruined his life, he wants a new family, he wants to change schools - you get the drift. Very extreme emotions and statements.
I know it’s anger / frustration etc talking, so I don’t take it personally. I just reiterate that I love him, and he is allowed to feel angry, but he should still speak kindly.

Anyway, after time in his room, he’s come out to snack, drink and watch tv to relax (at my prompting)... and within 15 mins he has calmed, told me he loves me, tells me I’m allowed to touch his favourite teddy again (ha ha - during his tantrum I wasn’t allowed to touch his things).
I will talk to him further over the weekend when he’s calmer.

But honestly - the emotions are just so intense!
He can be a moody little kid, but he’s been so so good recently I thought he’d grown out of it.

Please tell me this is a phase / hormone stage...??  Gah!
He’s so lovely when he’s in control of his emotions. And even he acknowledges that he feels bad at the time. He said he felt like he was going to die because he got so worked up.
Poor darling.

#11 BusbyWilkes

Posted 28 February 2020 - 04:46 PM

While it may be a phase, it may also be who he is. Some kids are able to regulate their emotions and behaviours more easily than others. Even if it’s prepubertal testosterone surges that are contributing to the issue, these will continue well into his teens....

As someone who now has an older boy who was like this at 9, I would look for support now. This doesn’t mean there is something “wrong” or that he needs to see someone. It may just be you touching base with a psych/counsellor/OT for a couple of sessions to get strategies that you can use to help him.

It’s much easier to support him now before this way of reacting becomes more of a habit. Good luck.

#12 José

Posted 28 February 2020 - 04:48 PM

View Post3rd time lucky, on 28 February 2020 - 03:53 PM, said:

Op again here.

So we’ve had another bad afternoon with my DS.

He was so angry after school. Short version - he’s angry at me because there has been a misunderstanding between what I said at a parent teacher interview, and what has gotten back to him from the teacher. Still not entirely clear what happened, as he wasn’t making much sense. His teacher is great - and I’m confident it is a misunderstanding. I’ll chat with her next week to figure that out.

Anyway - during his anger he was saying awful things - he hates me, I’ve ruined his life, he wants a new family, he wants to change schools - you get the drift. Very extreme emotions and statements.
I know it’s anger / frustration etc talking, so I don’t take it personally. I just reiterate that I love him, and he is allowed to feel angry, but he should still speak kindly.

Anyway, after time in his room, he’s come out to snack, drink and watch tv to relax (at my prompting)... and within 15 mins he has calmed, told me he loves me, tells me I’m allowed to touch his favourite teddy again (ha ha - during his tantrum I wasn’t allowed to touch his things).
I will talk to him further over the weekend when he’s calmer.

But honestly - the emotions are just so intense!
He can be a moody little kid, but he’s been so so good recently I thought he’d grown out of it.

Please tell me this is a phase / hormone stage...??  Gah!
He’s so lovely when he’s in control of his emotions. And even he acknowledges that he feels bad at the time. He said he felt like he was going to die because he got so worked up.
Poor darling.

You describe this as a tantrum.
I recommend dan siegel and Tina Payne Bryson book The whole brain child where they distinguish between an upstairs and downstairs brain tantrum.
Also, if you're not familiar with the term flipping your lid.  Google it.

I'd course he doesn't enjoy feeling like this! I'd seek support from a psychologist

#13 3rd time lucky

Posted 28 February 2020 - 05:10 PM

That book sounds interesting - I don’t feel it’s a tantrum ie he doesn’t do it on purpose, he’s losing control of his emotions.

Just been a wearing few weeks.

#14 3rd time lucky

Posted 28 February 2020 - 05:14 PM

Thanks BubsyWilkes - I’m open to that advice. Actually auctioning it may take time ...
Do you have any tips on regulating anger that worked for your son, in the meantime?

#15 3rd time lucky

Posted 28 February 2020 - 05:22 PM

Actioning - not auctioning

#16 mandala

Posted 28 February 2020 - 05:27 PM

One thing we had going on was anxiety dramatically revving up all negative emotions - so frustration became anger, anger became a tantrum. In fact, if it weren't for a lovely GP suggesting it, I wouldn't have even noticed that he was anxious, just that he was angry.

Something worth ruling out, as until we addressed the anxiety he couldn't even hear our suggestions to address the anger or regulate his emotions.

#17 SplashingRainbows

Posted 28 February 2020 - 05:32 PM

View Postmandala, on 28 February 2020 - 05:27 PM, said:

One thing we had going on was anxiety dramatically revving up all negative emotions - so frustration became anger, anger became a tantrum. In fact, if it weren't for a lovely GP suggesting it, I wouldn't have even noticed that he was anxious, just that he was angry.

Something worth ruling out, as until we addressed the anxiety he couldn't even hear our suggestions to address the anger or regulate his emotions.

Anxiety fuels anger here too.
Have changed schools and have a dramatically different kid.

#18 BusbyWilkes

Posted 28 February 2020 - 05:35 PM

View Post3rd time lucky, on 28 February 2020 - 05:14 PM, said:

Thanks BubsyWilkes - I’m open to that advice. Actually auctioning it may take time ...
Do you have any tips on regulating anger that worked for your son, in the meantime?

Zones of Regulation is a good program for that age. Either a psych or OT could help with this. Or Cool Kids might also be good.

The books Jose said too would be useful in the mean time. Your library probably has them if you don’t want to/can’t buy them at the moment.

#19 3rd time lucky

Posted 28 February 2020 - 05:41 PM

I also think at the moment, he’s being irritated in class (short version- a couple of extremely disruptive kids in his class this year) and holding it in all day, to then let it out once he’s safely home.

#20 Not Escapin Xmas

Posted 28 February 2020 - 07:16 PM

We have a bit similar with DD who is 8. I find that she is starving hungry after school. If I can feed her straight away (like pick her up with food in hand) that really helps the situation. Might be worth a try?

#21 José

Posted 28 February 2020 - 07:27 PM

View Post3rd time lucky, on 28 February 2020 - 05:14 PM, said:

Thanks BubsyWilkes - I’m open to that advice. Actually auctioning it may take time ...
Do you have any tips on regulating anger that worked for your son, in the meantime?

What is it about getting a referral to a psychologist that will take a while?

#22 BusbyWilkes

Posted 28 February 2020 - 11:57 PM

View PostJosé, on 28 February 2020 - 07:27 PM, said:

What is it about getting a referral to a psychologist that will take a while?

perhaps saving the money to pay - that is what stops most people who need clin psych support accessing it IME. Allied health is expensive but psychology is next level - and generally massive waitlists in the public system.

or there may be other work, health, relationship issues being dealt with. OP wants to help her child make changes - psych referral is one way to do this, but not the only way (as a first step).

#23 a letter to Elise.

Posted 29 February 2020 - 05:59 AM

View PostBusbyWilkes, on 28 February 2020 - 11:57 PM, said:

perhaps saving the money to pay - that is what stops most people who need clin psych support accessing it IME. Allied health is expensive but psychology is next level - and generally massive waitlists in the public system.

or there may be other work, health, relationship issues being dealt with. OP wants to help her child make changes - psych referral is one way to do this, but not the only way (as a first step).

yep. I got psychological help for my son when he was 9, for his past and anxiety. It was tremendously helpful, and he’s a thousand times happier. He’s now building some great friendships (now that he’s not so unpredictable). It was a life saver. BUT, it was $300 a week, and the rebates didn’teven cover half, or last very long.

his behaviour was escalating, and as he was getting bigger, his ability to hurt other people or himself was increasing. I can see how with kids who can’t get that intervention, things can spiral out of control, and you get serious ongoing behavioural issues.

one of the things that helped my son the most, was learning to recognise when his anxiety was starting to build, and how to calm himself down. We also looked a lot about how his behaviour can escalate, and lead to unhappy consequences.

For example, he feels upset about the way a game is going, he feels funny in the tummy, and is breathing hard. He can acknowledge those feelings, and take some time to do something to calm down, or he can react and yell at people. If he chooses to yell, they might yell back. Then he gets more upset. Then he might push someone, or they might push him. Then he gets in trouble, which he doesn’t like, or he hurts someone, which he doesn’t want to do. etc.

#24 CrankyM

Posted 03 March 2020 - 01:37 PM

I also think it might be benefical to talk to the school if there is issues in the classroom causing emotional meltdowns. It's not fair on him or the class.

Psych support might be able to be accessed through the school or privately. It's expensive to do it privately though, even if you manage to get the mental health care plan. I cringe every time I pay my older chid's psych bill even though most of it is covered by NDIS due to his diagnoses.

And OT can do zones of regulation. It's a good program. We've also done the Alert Program which is a bit different but similar enough. it's about developing an awareness of how you are feeling and using tools to lessen the load before it hits that overwhelming point.




6 user(s) are reading this topic

0 members, 6 guests, 0 anonymous users

 
 
Advertisement
 

Top 5 Viewed Articles

 
Advertisement
 
 
 
Advertisement
 
 
Essential Baby and Essential Kids is the place to find parenting information and parenting support relating to conception, pregnancy, birth, babies, toddlers, kids, maternity, family budgeting, family travel, nutrition and wellbeing, family entertainment, kids entertainment, tips for the family home, child-friendly recipes and parenting. Try our pregnancy due date calculator to determine your due date, or our ovulation calculator to predict ovulation and your fertile period. Our pregnancy week by week guide shows your baby's stages of development. Access our very active mum's discussion groups in the Essential Baby forums or the Essential Kids forums to talk to mums about conception, pregnancy, birth, babies, toddlers, kids and parenting lifestyle. Essential Baby also offers a baby names database of more than 22,000 baby names, popular baby names, boys' names, girls' names and baby names advice in our baby names forum. Essential Kids features a range of free printable worksheets for kids from preschool years through to primary school years. For the latest baby clothes, maternity clothes, maternity accessories, toddler products, kids toys and kids clothing, breastfeeding and other parenting resources, check out Essential Baby and Essential Kids.