Jump to content

Favourite worst jokes!


  • Please log in to reply
97 replies to this topic

#26 Gemstone

Posted 15 January 2006 - 04:54 PM

I was just thinking of posting the deer with no legs one!

I love the fish in the tank!

#27 Shainala

Posted 15 January 2006 - 05:05 PM

What's the difference between an elephant and a grape? A grape's purple.

What did Tarzan say when he saw the elephants coming over the hill with sunglasses on? Nothing, he thought they were grapes he didn't recognise them with sunglasses on.

What did Tarzan do when he saw the elephants charging over the hill? He ran to the nearest tree, made a trunk call and reversed the charges.

What did Tarzan do when he saw the elephants coming over the hill? Put up his umbrella.

Why did the mouse cross the road?  It was nailed to the chicken.

What's green and turns red at the flick of a switch? Kermit in a blender.

How do you get him out?  Through a straw.

Why do dogs lick themselves? Because they can (was a bit ruder but cleaned it up)

Haves tons and tons more but can't remember them ATM!!!

#28 ShinySpecialOne

Posted 15 January 2006 - 09:07 PM

What's red and shaped like a bucket?

A red bucket.


What's green and shaped like a bucket?

A red bucket in disguise.


#29 Chelli

Posted 17 January 2006 - 11:58 PM

Once there was a little boy named Billy who was born with just a head. No arms, legs, body, only his head.

Every day his mother used to sit him on the windowsill to watch the children across the street play in the park. How he longed to be able to join them. Every night before bed he would wish upon falling stars to miraculously have a body when he woke up. Day after day, week after week, year after year Billy wished with all his might.

Then finally, one Spring morning, it had happened. Billy had grown a whole body. He was so exctied he jumped out of bed, found some clothes, got dressed, ate his breakfast, went out the door and................


































Was squashed by a bus on the road  blink.gif

Moral of the story?

Quit while you're ahead  tongue.gif

#30 ~mimo~

Posted 18 January 2006 - 09:57 PM

How do you make a dog go "Meow"?
Pass it though a band-saw.

How do you make a cat go "Woof"?
Douse it in petrol and light a match.



Deer jokes for Gemstone;

What do you call a deer with no eyes?
No idea. (no eye deer)

What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?
Still no idea.

What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs having sex?
F*cking still no idea.



What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs sitting on your doorstep?
Matt.

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in the ocean?
Bob.

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs sitting on a stage?
Mike.

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs being cooked by a canibal?
Stu.

#31 Ducky*Fuzz

Posted 18 January 2006 - 10:05 PM

What do flies wear on their feet?
Shoos.

Why did the baker rob the bank?
He kneaded the dough


Where do you find a dog with no legs?
Right where you left him.





What do flies wear on their feet?
Shoos.

Why did the baker rob the bank?
He kneaded the dough


Where do you find a dog with no legs?
Right where you left him.

#32 ~mimo~

Posted 18 January 2006 - 10:11 PM

taxi driver pulled over to a 3 headed, no armed, 1 legged man.

"'ello, 'ello, 'ello, you look pretty 'armless, 'op in!"

#33 ShinySpecialOne

Posted 20 January 2006 - 02:37 PM

What's the first thing the cannibal did after he dumped his girlfriend?


Wiped his @ss.


#34 bbk

Posted 20 January 2006 - 08:38 PM

wacko.gif
My brothers favourite
Why did the skeleton burp?
Because he didn't have the guts to fart.
wacko.gif

#35 tokenfemale

Posted 20 January 2006 - 08:46 PM

I have tears in my eyes from these. The fish tank one is great! My contribution as follows -

Q. What has two legs and bleeds a lot?
A. Half a dog.

#36 Nut

Posted 21 January 2006 - 07:28 PM

- What do you call a guy with a shovel in his head?
Doug

- What do you call a guy without a shovel in his head?
Dougless

- What do you call a guy with a rabbit up his bum?
Warren

- Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows?
They're making headlines!

- What's Mary short for?
She's got no legs

- A guy went to a psychiatrist. "Doc," he said, "I keep having these alternating recurring dreams. First I'm a teepee, then I'm a wigwam, then I'm a teepee, and then I'm a wigwam. It's driving me crazy. What's wrong with me?"

The doctor replied, "It's very simple. You're two tents."

- Why did the baker rob the bank?
He needed the dough.

- What did the dolphin say to the whale when he bumped into him?
I didn't do it on porpoise.

- Two strings walk into a bar. The first tries to order something. "I don't serve strings in this bar," the bartender says roughly and throws him out.

The second ruffs himself up, ties his ends together, walks in, and orders. "Hey, didn't you hear what I told your buddy?" the bartender says.

"Yeah," the string says.

"Aren't you a string?" the bartender says.

"I'm a frayed knot," the string replies.

- Marge, Tina, and Cindy had made plans to attend the premiere of Madonna's film Evita. All three looked forward to the event, but at the last minute an unforeseen emergency at work prevented Cindy from going with them. Feeling bad for Cindy's sake, the other two sniffled and wept. But Cindy consoled them: "Don't cry for me, Marge and Tina."

#37 ~mimo~

Posted 28 February 2007 - 07:59 AM

Why do girls wear make up and perfume?

Because they're ugly and they stink! ohmy.gif




tongue.gif
(bump)

Edited by ~mimo~, 28 February 2007 - 07:59 AM.


#38 Moooo

Posted 01 March 2007 - 12:44 AM

Am lovin' these....

What's pink and fluffy?

Pink fluff.


What's blue and fluffy?

Pink fluff holding its breath. (of course! tongue.gif )

#39 *~Bee~*

Posted 01 March 2007 - 12:06 PM

Where do you find a dog with no legs?
Right where you left him.

What do you call a dog with no legs?
Nothing, he won't come anyway.

#40 Midwitch

Posted 02 March 2007 - 10:10 PM

What's invisible and smells like worms?

Sparrow fart.

#41 vickidolphin

Posted 02 March 2007 - 10:48 PM

Why did Jim fall off his bike?

Jim was a fish

#42 ashayden

Posted 03 March 2007 - 10:08 PM

These are so lame. They are great.

Q- What's the last thing that goes through an insects mind when it hits the windscreen?

A- It's bum.

#43 auntiesocial

Posted 16 March 2007 - 07:28 AM

Why did the elephant fall off the tree?
Cos it wanted to.  laugh.gif

Why did the second elephant fall off the tree?
Cos it was following the first elephant.

Why did the third elephant fall off the tree?
Peer pressure.

Why did the tree fall down?
It thought it was an elephant. PMSL!  laugh.gif

#44 caszoander

Posted 16 March 2007 - 04:35 PM

This is a real "bad" joke -

How much do pirates pay to get their ears pierced.










.............. a Buckaneer (buck an ear)!!!!



Sorry where is the groan smiley.

#45 ~strawberry~

Posted 16 March 2007 - 05:12 PM

QUOTE
Why did the tree fall down?
It thought it was an elephant.


I thought it was because the elephants forgot to let go tongue.gif

#46 ~Sophie~

Posted 20 March 2007 - 02:27 PM

My Dad bought me a wood whistle, and it would not whistle.

Then he bought me a steel whistle, and it still wouldn't whistle.

So then he bought me a tin whistle, and now and tin whistle.

(you gotta have a lisp)!

Soph

#47 spring-chicken

Posted 24 March 2007 - 05:59 PM

PMSL!  biggrin.gif  In the same vein as "Matt", "Bob", "Mike" and "Stu":

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs under a tree in Autumn?

Russel!  (Rustle)

#48 KylieY

Posted 27 March 2007 - 01:43 PM

What happened to the bum?
It had a fart attack!

I PML at this when I was 10. Literally!!  wub.gif

#49 2blondies

Posted 28 March 2007 - 12:01 PM

What's big, red, furry, and knocks you over?


Tackle me Elmo laugh.gif

#50 Anyway...

Posted 31 March 2007 - 01:04 AM

A fish was swimming around having a great old time when suddenly he hit a wall and went Dam!

How do you weigh a whale?
At a Whale wiegh station! (railway station)




0 user(s) are reading this topic

0 members, 0 guests, 0 anonymous users

 
 
Advertisement
 

Top 5 Viewed Articles

 
Advertisement
 
 
 
Advertisement
 
 
Essential Baby and Essential Kids is the place to find parenting information and parenting support relating to conception, pregnancy, birth, babies, toddlers, kids, maternity, family budgeting, family travel, nutrition and wellbeing, family entertainment, kids entertainment, tips for the family home, child-friendly recipes and parenting. Try our pregnancy due date calculator to determine your due date, or our ovulation calculator to predict ovulation and your fertile period. Our pregnancy week by week guide shows your baby's stages of development. Access our very active mum's discussion groups in the Essential Baby forums or the Essential Kids forums to talk to mums about conception, pregnancy, birth, babies, toddlers, kids and parenting lifestyle. Essential Baby also offers a baby names database of more than 22,000 baby names, popular baby names, boys' names, girls' names and baby names advice in our baby names forum. Essential Kids features a range of free printable worksheets for kids from preschool years through to primary school years. For the latest baby clothes, maternity clothes, maternity accessories, toddler products, kids toys and kids clothing, breastfeeding and other parenting resources, check out Essential Baby and Essential Kids.