Jump to content
Lonely after m/c and D&C
8 replies to this topic
Posted 29 November 2006 - 01:07 PM
I guess I just need someone to talk to... we lost our 3rd bub this month and and although everyone was great, it seems that now time is passing everyone else is moving on and I feel like I'm expected to be ok already. I had a D&C two weeks ago today and it feels like yesterday. My hospital holds a memorial service for babies under 20 weeks once a month and the service is today at 2pm...
I'm not sure if I can cope with going today because it all feels just so fresh, but at the same time maybe it will help?
We have a beautiful boy, now 19mths and my husband has been able to move so quickly on because our precious son is right here and he never really had a chance to accept our pregnancy as being real. We found out I was pregnant just over 4 weeks but I started bleeding at 5 1/2 weeks, and the scan we had booked for 6 wks only confirmed our fears even though all the doctors said not to 'write it off yet'. I think it was then he just switched off. It wasn't quite that easy for me... m/s started the day after the bleeding and continued throughout the next 2 1/2 weeks while we went for BT's and finally another scan, and it wasn't till after the D&C that my pg symptoms disappeared. Now I am struggling with so many conflicting feelings and a need to grieve but feel trapped in this life right now that says I have to go back to normal...be a good wife, a good mum, a good DIL, a good sister, a good daughter - especially at christmas.
We had 2 m/c before our son and I am feeling the hurt and pain flood back as I try to cope with our new loss... I feel guilty about my grief at times because we have managed to finally have a baby but now there a new feelings I just don't know how to deal with...
I guess I just want to know I'm not alone...
Thankyou for listening to my heart.
Posted 29 November 2006 - 02:07 PM
I had a D&C 2 weeks ago today. It was my first miscarriage and I now understand what people go through when it happens.
I am not really sure of what to say but just wanted to let you know that if you need to chat about it or have someone to listen feel free to pm me.
We went to QLD only 2 dayas after my D&C for a wedding that was already planned and we couldn't really get out of as DH was involved and it was the best thing in terms of healing for me - it almost took me away from what happened - not that I will ever forget. The bride was 5 months pregnant which didn't help but I managed to get through it. I still have good moments and bad moments, good days and bad days.
I am trying to take as much me time as possible to enable myself to heal a little.
Don't feel guilty - it is something that you need to deal with in your own way in your own time. And no you are not alone - I am right here if you need to talk
I too am having conflicting feelings - part of me wants to get pregnant again straight away, another part says never again and another part says give it a few months and then we will try again - I am sure it is normal.
Anyway I have rambled enough but just wanted to let you know that we are here if you need the support.
Take care and big hugs to you and your DH. Be kind to yourself too.
Edited by Pudma, 29 November 2006 - 02:07 PM.
Posted 29 November 2006 - 02:16 PM
firstly sorry for your loss. i too had a missed m/c in aug 05. fortunately we now have a beautiful 5 month old daughter. i still get upset thinkn about that dear little baby and i think i always will. i think sometimes men don't understand. i know my mum went through the same thing before i was born n still to this day my dad never really understood how my mum felt as he advised my dp to act upset even if he wasn't. i just think men deal with it differently cos sometimes it's too hard for them/they don't know how to feel iykwim.
the pain may never go away but i'm sure it will get better. maybe think about getting in contact with a coucellor/bonnie babes foundation so you can talk it through
hope u feel better soon,
dd 5 months
missed m/c 15 aug 05 at nearly 13 weeks
Edited by cal_h, 29 November 2006 - 02:19 PM.
Posted 29 November 2006 - 02:26 PM
I am so sorry for your loss! I too have been through similar to you. My M\C was in June but my heart still aches and not an hour passes that I don't think about my Babies (twins). My husband also moved on very quickly and does not understand that I am still hurting.
I think that everybody has to move on in there own time as we are all different. A friend of mine M\C last year and she says that she was so dissapointed that she just could not wait to be pregnant again and to hold a baby in her arms. A month later she was pregnant and now has a georgous baby boy.
I guess I am the opposite I am so scared to fall pregnat again as it would break my heart into a million pieces I don't think I could handle another M/C.
You have to take as much time as you need 2 weeks is still so soon. If the hospital holds the memorial service once a month there will be plenty of opportunity for you to go when you are up to it.
I want you to know that you are not alone and if you ever need to talk you can PM me. Be kind to yourself and give your little fella heaps of cuddles!
Edited by Rebecca1977, 29 November 2006 - 02:28 PM.
Posted 29 November 2006 - 09:51 PM
I'm so sorry to read about your losses.
I just finished reading your post and my heart aches for you, I wish I could make you feel alot better but I don't know how all I can do is reassure you that your not alone and that if you ever need a friend to talk to I am here for you as I am still trying to deal with my miscarriages aswell and also need someone to talk to that understands how i'm feeling. My partner doesn't seem to feel the pain that I feel every day, he tries but he just doesn't feel the way I do. It's my 3rd miscarriage but yet it's his first and he has two children from a previous marriage so he's never had to deal with miscarriages up into now, so this last miscarriage means something diferent to us both. He thinks we can just try again and makes it seem so easy but I just feel differently.
I think what makes it harder to deal with is because know one asks if your doing ok any more and know one asks if you need to talk about what your going through! after it happens, I know it's because they don't want to upset you and because they don't know what to say! but I feel because they don't it makes you feel worse, and makes you feel like your totaly alone and like you can't talk about it with your friends, family and even your partner. sometimes I feel like your just not aloud to talk about it, that know one really wants to talk about it with you, feels as though my partner just wants me to deal with it and stop crying because all I do I is cry about it and talk about it and try to understand it and cope.
Posted 30 November 2006 - 07:18 AM
I found out that I had had a missed miscarriage on Tuesday last week and had a D&C last Friday. It was my first pregnancy. I am really wanting to try again but my partner has a balanced translocation of chromosomes and I am so scared that this will keep happening. I waited so long to find the right man to have babies with and we found each other and then after some time together, we started TTC, and all of our hopes seem shattered right now.
I was probably feeling stronger last week than I am this week. I went back to work but that was hard as lots of people say something and they mean well but they just don't really understand. Others say nothing and you know they don't want to upset you, but I kind of want them just to acknowledge that something has happened.
I feel like if I talk about it that I am being a drama queen. My partner's brother had a blood test to see if he has this chromosomal thing too and his blood test results came back normal and I was telling my partner's parents and I said that my partner's face just fell when he read the results - not that we wanted his brother to have this thing - but in a way, the family were all hoping he did as they have three healthy kids and this would have been better news for us to keep TTC naturally. I think that my partner felt a bit of 'why am I the (un)lucky one, to have this thing' (we only just found out about this chromosomal thing a short time ago, after I fell pregnant)...and I said that to his dad and his dad snapped at me and said, "Well he should just think himself lucky, he could have much worse things."
I know that his dad was right - my partner could have much worse things affecting him, and I know that and am grateful for that...but right now, this is pretty raw for us, and we are so worried about our chances of having a healthy bub.
The D&C was pretty awful - the hospital staff were all lovely and very caring - but it is still a gut-wrenching experience, isn't it? I knew that our bub had no heartbeat anymore and had stopped growing and that this had to happen, and it was kind of this mixed feeling of not wanting to say goodbye to our little bub and a feeling of knowing that they had to take my little bub out of me now.
I will be thinking of you today - I know how fragile you can feel and how so many things can set you off thinking about the little one you have lost...you see pregnant women everywhere, babies everywhere, things on TV, at the shops....my heart just aches so many times a day at the moment. I hold it together at work as it is so busy and mostly I hold it together at home but there are times that I just have to have a little cry and try and pick myself up again.
hugs to you....I guess it is good to be able to come on here and talk to others who understand some of what you are going through.
Posted 30 November 2006 - 11:31 AM
All the pp have really said it so well. You are not alone. There are so many of us who have been, or still are, in the same place you are right now. It's a sad, tragic, horrible place but you are definitely not there alone. We are all here with you.
I had a m/c in September (first pregnancy) and since then have had a d&c and hysteroscopy. I was absolutely devastated by our loss, and my heart just aches for you, especially as you have had to go through this twice before. You poor, poor thing. Life really is crap sometimes. I also found that my DP didn't really feel the same as me. He was totally crushed when I miscarried but after a week or two life went back to normal for him. I think men have a hard time for several reasons - firstly because society expects them to get over it and get on with it and secondly because as they are not suffering any of the physical aspects of the pg or the m/c, they do not experience it emotionally in the same way.
Anyway, I hope that as time passes you will start to heal. This has happened for me - I am now eight weeks on from my m/c and feeling a bit more like my old self every day. I will never, ever forget about our angel, but I can see that there is light at the end of the tunnel. I hope soon you will too.
Please take care of yourself. We are all thinking of you.
Posted 30 November 2006 - 02:43 PM
Oh...I hardly know what to say...
Thankyou all so much...I have just cried my way through all your lovely replies and offers of support...I was just overwhelmed by it all...
I didn't go to the memorial service yesterday as DS slept till it was too late to go, and I think I was glad to have the decision taken out of my hands. It all seems so final, they sprinkle the ashes under a tree to give us all a place to come... and I'm not sure I'm ready to let go just yet...The next service I can go to is in january now and I think we will make every effort to get to that one. I spoke to DH last night and he want's to go too which I'm so so glad of!
Each of you has touched my heart and thankyou so much for sharing your experiences, hurts and healing...it means so much
I have so much I want to say to each of you... writing/talking/sharing is making such a difference... I can cry and not feel like I'm making anyone uncomfortable...right now I just want to say again thankyou...
1 user(s) are reading this topic
0 members, 1 guests, 0 anonymous users
Top 5 Viewed Articles