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Taking 17 month old toddler to a funeal?
18 replies to this topic
Posted 15 November 2007 - 10:28 AM
I'd really like to go to the funeral of a dear family friend, but I'd have to take my toddler who's that age where they don't do being cuddled or sitting in a stationary pram for very long.
(He'd be trying to squirm out and run around)
I'm leaning towards staying home and babysitting my niece who can be quite loud and disruptive so my mum who's babysitting her can go to the funeral without her.
I feel bad for not going as this man was very kind and generous to my family and I thought a lot of him.
He even used to buy my mum and I chocolates out of the blue for no reason at all.
What would you do?
I'm thinking I could send a card and a gift for his wife and sons family with my mum.
Posted 15 November 2007 - 10:31 AM
If it was me, I wouldn't go. My DS is 18 months old at the end of the month, and he's such a wriggly monkey... I think sending a card would be appropriate if you can't get a babysitter. HTH's
Posted 15 November 2007 - 10:42 AM
Can you get a friend to come with you and take your DS and niece for a walk during the actual service (or at least entertain them outside)?
Posted 15 November 2007 - 10:46 AM
I took my toddler to my grandmother's funeral. If I had had ANYONE to mind DS I would not have taken him, but as it was everyone I knew in the town was at the funeral. There were a dozen babies and toddlers and the service did not go for long. I took a silent toy and he was ok.
Personally though, I found it really hard emotionally as I wanted to cry but was trying to shield DS from that.
I think it's lovely for you to be offering to mind your niece. And you should go to the wake if there is one, with both kids.
Posted 15 November 2007 - 10:51 AM
I also took my kids to my grandmother's funeral. DD was a little older than your son, but she was fine, mainly due to the stickers I took with us.
Same with Alice on the crying though - that was really hard.
Great idea on looking after your niece, and that's an excellent suggestion on taking them to the wake.
Posted 15 November 2007 - 11:53 AM
My DD was about that age when we took her to DH's Grandmothers funeral. She danced in the aisle and sang along during the songs!
Not that this was a problem as Nan loved her grandchildren & great-grandchildren to bits so all the family felt it was quite appropriate.
I guess it depends on how close you where as to whether or not it is appropriate. But bear in mind that toddlers are unpredictable!
Posted 15 November 2007 - 11:53 AM
Thanks heaps for your replies.
They'll help greatly with my decision. I'm still in two minds what I should do.
If my husband can get time off work (unlikely) he could take our two and my niece for a walk, but other than him I can't think of anyone else who could do it.
I know my stepfather will need my Mum's support at the funeral as it was his best friend's dad who passed away, so it's important for me to help out with my niece.
Posted 15 November 2007 - 11:58 AM
If I were you, personally, I wouldn't go! I would show my respect to him, and his family by staying home with the chn. You could send a nice bunch of flowers and card with your mum.
Posted 15 November 2007 - 12:20 PM
Seriously, Where do you live? I'd look after your kids while you went to the funeral, I know what it's like not to have anyone around when you need someone desperately.
Posted 15 November 2007 - 12:26 PM
butterfli, I do feel that it would be disrespectful to the deceased and his family to take my children to the service, which is why I'm leaning towards staying home.
Edited by *iris*, 15 November 2007 - 12:26 PM.
Posted 15 November 2007 - 12:41 PM
I took my then 2 year to my grandfather's funeral and she didn't really want to sit still. There were a couple of other kids there, one was a little younger, the other a little older.
Both of us mums of these kids ended up right at the back of chapel entertaining the kids and missed out on the service.
It's nice if you could go but it may make it awkward for other people and you may not really be able to focus on the service, so like you're not really there anyway.
It's different if the child is either asleep or one of those kids that's really happy to sit still at times.
Posted 15 November 2007 - 01:15 PM
I wouldn't hesitate to take a child along to a funeral for someone that had been fond of them - most people are very tolerant if those children sing/dance/fiddle around (have had plenty of positive comments on how much grandma/aunty would have loved to have seen the (not-too-disruptive) antics). Most of my family funerals have the children in the family there too though so we're used to it.
I wouldn't take a child to a funeral if the person had not been very close to them though, i.e. not family or very close friend.
Posted 15 November 2007 - 03:04 PM
We took DS to a funeral with us a couple of months ago now and they had a sound proof room to the side which you could see and hear the ceremony and you wernt disrupting the whole service. DS was just getting to the point where he wanted to babble all the time so it was perfect that we were able to go and pay our respects and didnt have to worry about keeping him quiet.
Im not sure which state you are in but this was in WA at Pinnaroo. They also have funeral webcasting. Maybe you could see whether this is something they have.
Posted 15 November 2007 - 03:23 PM
Do you have a mother's group? I'm sure someone from there, even someone you don't know very well would be happy to look after him for you? People would bend over backwards to help out in that sort of circumstance, and even someone you don't know well is bound to be more than happy to help
I've got my uncle's funeral on Monday and I've decided not to take my 16 month old becuase I don't want to disrupt the service.
Adri76 - do you know if the webcasting is available on all funerals at Pinnaroo? My uncle's funeral is there on Monday and we have family in the UK who are unable to make it, so I would love to investigate this further.
Posted 15 November 2007 - 03:58 PM
mumofterrortwins, Thank you, it's so lovely that you would offer.
I don't have a mothers group.
I wouldn't ask any of the playgroup mums as either I wouldn't feel comfortable with leaving DS with them, or they work, have a newborn etc and I wouldn't want to impose on them.
(I hope that doesn't sound stuck up. DS was bitten badly by one of the children at playgroup for example, so I obviously wouldn't be leaving DS there).
It's the same with everyone else I know.
(DS has never been babysat, and DD only when absolutely necessary eg: giving birth to DS and getting a 3 hour GTT 6 weeks after having DS).
I've decided just to stay home as it's a really inconvenient time for DH to take time off, although his boss said he could if he really wanted.
Posted 15 November 2007 - 04:45 PM
I used to work in childcare, and have seen some pretty scary things.
I've also left it too late as the funerals tomorrow.
One day I'll probably have to put my youngest in childcare, but I haven't quite got my head around that yet.
***I know there are many great child care workers and carers out there, but there's also lots that aren't so great, and I admit I'm overprotective when it comes to my kids.
Posted 15 November 2007 - 06:29 PM
i have taken my dd to a funeral when she was around that age. it was at a child's funeral so a lot of kids were invited and they all sat together at the front holding balloons, chatting and generally ebing kids. it was what the parents wanted.
have you asked the family concerned about their feelings on this matter?
also if all else fails you stay at the back of the place and leave if things get too hairy...juts take some food etc and no noisey toys to entertain them with and you should be ok
Posted 15 November 2007 - 10:56 PM
If it is in a church do they have a parents room? This is a sound proofed glass room where the parents can participate in the service while the children play and the service isn't disrupted.
Maybe you could call the church and find out before making your decision.
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