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Funny pregnancy/birthing stories??

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#201 Pompol

Posted 29 December 2011 - 10:54 PM

I loved reading these when I was pregnant !!

My second labour went very quickly. Everyone seemed to think the baby was about to be born, but I had only been 4cms less than an hour earlier and their expectation was annoying the HELL out of me as I "knew" I had hours and hours to go.

At the same time, I had pressure like I needed to poo, which I had told the midwife, and she told me to push. I vaguely remember snarling at her "are you ***ing serious? if I push now, I'm going to hurt myself. I'm NOT pushing until you examine me and you're sure I'm 10cms". She refused to do the exam as it was pretty obvious to her I was ready to go, gave me some more gentle coaxing, there was more me refusing to push, more me feeling like I REALLY needed to poo now, more me getting more and more irritated with her thinking she knew best even though it didn't make sense.

After a few minutes of this I decided I'd poo on her just to shut her up.

Two easy pushes later DD was here. Best poo I ever had ! wink.gif

#202 MummaLis

Posted 04 January 2012 - 01:48 PM

During stage 1 of labour, after every contraction i burped! i remember the doctor coming in to examine me and saying (after a particularly loud burp after a particularly strong contraction) "well, thats a new one".

Dr went to do an internal and my damn legs wouldnt stop shaking and i was scared my knees were going to knock him out they were shaking so much

After 19 hours of labour (no gas, can only blame this on exhaustion and labour hormones rolleyes.gif ) Dr went to examine me again. i told him "if its 10cm, just get the vacuum cleaner..."

#203 Mummy-2-1boy

Posted 28 January 2012 - 01:34 PM

My husband was completely shocked by the whole labouring experience... My little man was about to come out & the midwife grabs his hands & says 'are u ready to catch him dad?' my husband was so shocked he couldn't answer & 2 seconds later he has this slimy little boy in his hands... 'it's a little boy!' he says as little man pees all over him - welcome to fatherhood - he basically throws the baby at me 'it's peeing on me!' he says. So the little one finishes his pee all over me & THEN he poos that lovely merconium all over me! Welcome to motherhood! I barely noticed at the time but now I look back & think....
It's completely defining of motherhood, we put up with all the s*** but love them so much we dont notice!

#204 Soontobegran

Posted 28 January 2012 - 01:47 PM

So many I could tell you about things people have said but for me I think the memory of my Obstetrician and my DH sitting in the delivery room eating fish and chips (that my DH had ducked out to buy) from the paper because my doctor knew me well enough that if he stuck around for ten minutes he'd be delivering baby#5.
Apparently it is the 'noises' I make unsure.gif  He was right BTW.

#205 crazytash

Posted 29 January 2012 - 12:50 PM

When I had DD1 I was induced for medical reasons at 39 weeks. DD was well and truly evicted from the premises!
So 8.30 ARM is done and I'm bawling. That bloody hurt! And within 5 mins I had my 1st traceable contraction which was all posterior. I was off that bed so fast it wasn't funny. And from then on it was 4 contractions in 10mins all lasting at least 40 sec. So no lead up to it, just wham bam bloody hell ma'am.

I lasted until 11.30 like this but couldnt stand up anymore due to exhaustion. I basically hadn't eaten or slept in the past 6 weeks because I was so ill, and DD was too big for me meaning I had no room to put food in my squished stomach without trying to send it back out again. So I was knackered before labour even began! So at 11.30am the middy says she wants the synto drip because the contraction won't doing anything at which point I said "fine, you get your drip I get my epi". All were happy with this arrangement and once it kicked in I had a little snooze and all was good.

2pm comes and they decide to do an internal before the shift change. What do I care? I numb as. Middy says "great we have a show and you're about 5cm." I started to cry coz the contractions are going like mad on the monitor and I'm only half way? Then I had the thought as they hung the 3rd bag of fluids " hey guys, I'm numb so will I know if I need to go to the loo?". They assure me I will but I remind them 2L of fluids have gone in since my last toilet trip so they do a quick 'in-out' catheter and I let go of 1.5L of wee. The next contraction I'm 9cm. By now I'm abit tired and silly and say 'oh no the baby's head is gunna have a big dent from being stuck behind all my wee! Poor DP didn't know where to look!

7.20pm and I've been pushing for 20mins when I just have a tanty and roar " just pull this f@$&ing thing outta me". Nobody does. 7.39pm DD is born and I check yes she is a she and say "Happy birthday Lillian", and then it occurs to me she's very quiet so I panic and say "is she breathing?" only to be assured she was. And that was just about the only time she wasn't screaming for the next 4 months! I always knew she was breathing then! LOL

Me 32
DH 41
DD1 08/04/02
DD2 born sleeping 19/09/06
DS 17/02/10

#206 Freddie'sMum

Posted 29 January 2012 - 01:14 PM

Mine aren't especially hilarious but it kept me going.

With DD#1 - the whole labour and birth was very short - waters broke at 3am and she was born at 7.30am.  We got to the hospital at 5am and my OB arrives around 6am.  At one point in the proceedings - I say to the OB "do you want to swap with me??" and he says that only I can do this.  

I get fed up with the pain and say that I am going to "run away" (yes, I know it's nuts but I really wanted the pain to stop), my OB replies that I wouldn't be able to make it to the carpark - I joke back that I wouldn't be able to make it to the door !!

At another point he says to DH "come down here and see this" - DH had been standing beside my head / shoulders and he walks - very reluctantly I might add - down to the 'business end'.

With DD#2 - I have started labour and am at the hospital.  My mobile phone rings and there's a woman from a recruitment agency who I had registered with over a year ago offering me a job !!

I say to her "actually I'm in the hospital right now giving birth"

She says: "oh - well do you know anyone else who would be interested in this job"

Me: (puffing) "no sorry I have to go now".

I also plotted to kill DH when I was giving birth to DD#2 - the midwife was going to help me kill him and hide the body  biggrin.gif

#207 GenWhy

Posted 29 January 2012 - 01:15 PM

In labour with DD2. It was a VBAC and I'd never been in labour before. When I got to the hospital I'd already been in labour for 26 hours and wasn't impressed the midwife wanted to call the surgical team (apparently they didn't 'do' VBAC at that hospital). I promptly locked myself in the toilet and refused to come out until she apologized and agrees to leave me alone. An hour or so later DD2 was born and the surgical team arrived. My GP who delivered her said "Looks like VBAC is alive and well here after all". I helpfully shouted out " so nerrrr".

#208 prettypenny

Posted 29 January 2012 - 01:16 PM

When my DD crowned the midwife exclaimed "Oh, there's a lot of hair!"
I wasn't entirely sure if she was referring to DD's full head of hair or my lack of grooming in the nether regions!  ohmy.gif

#209 PinkSurvivor

Posted 29 January 2012 - 06:14 PM

When in labour with DS2 an OB came in to check how dialated I was.

When he walked in he looked 7 feet tall and had hands like Shaquille O'Neil.

MY response as "can I get a doctor with smaller hands?"

I got the reply "You're about to push out a baby my hands are nothing:  blink.gif

Yikes lol

#210 mojo11

Posted 30 January 2012 - 10:45 PM

Bumoing !!!

These are hilarious hopefully I can add mine in 6 months !!!

#211 ZCE

Posted 31 January 2012 - 10:09 PM

After birth the Dr was stitching back together my four (!) tears. During this bubs was getting her injections and gave a little cry. The Dr promptly exclaimed "oh no". I said are you referring to bubs or do i now have to get worried? We collapsed into laughter and we were joking about how "oh no" is about the last thing you want to hear when someone is stitching your nether regions back together!!!  biggrin.gif

#212 Cantankerous

Posted 30 March 2013 - 05:56 PM

I know this is an old thread but its worth the laugh to bump it back up and add mine.

In labour with DS XH was asleep on the couch at the hospital after a big night on the p*ss. The midwife offered to draw a penis on his head I was so angry at him for resting when I couldn't.

DD labour being induced I really badly needed to wee so monitor and all 2 midwifes come with to loo, nope can't do it so back to be bout hour later pushing stage and midwife said to push harder so I did and proceeded to wee everywhere! I was mortified and kept saying sorry and i promise I won't push anymore
The midwife had to keep explaining baby won't come if I don't push but I didn't want to invade I wee'ed everywhere again.

Now with #3 I dread to think how this one will go lol.

#213 boyohboyx2

Posted 12 May 2013 - 11:07 PM

This thread has kept me laughing for hours...
Bub no 1 - ill never forget the look of horror on my DHs face when my water burst and made a loud pop sound and landed all over his favourite new thongs
Bub no 2 - not funny at the time but I still remember him trying to race me to the toilet in heavy labour as he dry heaved after my water broke again.
Again with bub no 2 - during a very hard and fast drug free birth I screamed "my feet are freezing hurry up and get me some socks" 30 seconds later he still hadn't found them cue me yelling " where are my f%^king socks" DH finally found them and puts them on only to have me rip them off and throw them and my blankets across the room because I was so hot.  oh transition is so much fun lol
Bub no 3 - poor DH is so scared of having a home birth because i labour so fast he ran through 3 red lights on the way to hospital and managed to do a 30 min drive in 20!

Edited by boyohboyx2, 12 May 2013 - 11:09 PM.

#214 libbylu

Posted 12 May 2013 - 11:23 PM

I didn't get to deliver #1 as labour ended in emergency c-section.
#2 was a quick labour and as I was pushing him out the midwife held a mirror down and said 'look, you can see his head right there' to which I yelled loudly and emphatically "That doesn't look like a head!!!!".
No one said anything at the time but the midwife and DH had a laugh about it with me afterwards.

#215 ToddlerWrangler

Posted 16 May 2013 - 03:03 AM

DD came via emergency c section, but i tried everything before being defeated by exhaustion. I dont remember much but i this:
When we got to the hospital i wanted to try the birthing Pool, when i got in DH said i looked like a floating whale and proceeded to make whale noises while i was having contractions....


Edited by Eurp, 16 May 2013 - 03:04 AM.

#216 Agnetha

Posted 16 May 2013 - 01:14 PM

It took me a day to realise my labour had started, I thought I had a tummy ache from the volcano pizza I'd eaten.
OB told me I was the only woman he'd come across who mistook labour pains for irritable bowel syndrome.
I realised later it was a bit odd that my dodgy tummy was waking me exactly every hour.  
After the birth and he'd stitched me up, he asked how old I was , and told me to get jiggy with it if I wanted another baby.  Sex? With that part of my body? Ever again?

#217 Amanda2186

Posted 11 June 2013 - 12:25 PM

These are hilarious! I'm sure I'll be adding some early next year original.gif

#218 Cacti

Posted 11 June 2013 - 12:50 PM

QUOTE (agnetha @ 16/05/2013, 01:14 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
After the birth and he'd stitched me up, he asked how old I was , and told me to get jiggy with it if I wanted another baby.  Sex? With that part of my body? Ever again?

After the baby had arrived (very long labour, no sleep for 40 hours,etc, etc) we were taken up to the floor and the midwife doing the handover said, "Oh is this your first baby?" and we said yes, she then asked, "And how many more are you going to have?" "NONE", I said very firmly. All three midwives/nurses around us then started giggling - "You have no idea how many only children we meet up here!" they said. I got the feeling they asked all first time parents that question and laughed at their reactions.

#219 InterestingTimes

Posted 23 June 2013 - 09:06 PM

The following comments are why I am not allowed near happy gas anymore:

When the OB walked in, "Hey, he looks like Noddy!"

When the anesthetist arrived: "Who is this? Where did she come from? She has nice hair...."

During the epidural: "Who painted my toenails? Who did this? Shiny...."

In transition: (throwing a hot water bottle at drowsing DH) "Wake that b@st@rd up!!!"

Being wheeled backwards onto the ward:
Nurse: "Watch your back.."
Me: "Are you threatening me?!?"


#220 Jayellebee

Posted 24 June 2013 - 01:30 AM

About a week before my edd my poor partner had worked a 16 hour day and then gone to pick up a spare freezer for me as I had cooked meals to freeze without having the space (nesting) After he had gone to bed my waters broke and I tried to wake him up he rolled over and said "don't worry babe, it's just a bit of discharge" and went back to sleep again. I start getting my bag together and calling the hospital when my first contraction comes and my legs kinda give way with me falling onto the bed. He then rolls over and says "what's wrong with you? Just go to sleep!" I eventually managed to wake him up properly and convince him to drive me to hospital. So he gets up and gets dressed but can't find a pair of socks that match, he's spending a long time fussing around looking while I'm yelling at him to hurry up. He eventually finds a pair and we head off. Fast forward several hours as I'm in the transition phase I kept yelling at him "do your eff ing socks matter now? Noones looking at your bl oody socks!"

#221 elizabethany

Posted 24 June 2013 - 02:55 AM

When my DS was born, the MW said "congratulations, it's a boy!" and I said "are you sure?"

#222 Baroness Bubbles

Posted 19 June 2014 - 07:47 PM

Old thread is gold thread... bumping back to first page

#223 Autumn2013

Posted 19 June 2014 - 08:05 PM

During dds birth I have two.
First one a little tô much info but its funny. My doc told me to push and so I did, along with the push came some blood that landed on doctors face, I looked up to see her wiping her face and under the influence of no sleep for three days and heavily intoxicated on gas I called out "I don't have aids" every one in the birthîng suit burst out laughing, it was rather funny.

#224 twilightangel

Posted 07 July 2014 - 12:02 PM

I read this thread just after having DD2. I have since had 2 more boys and am expecting again.

I have just reread the whole thread again. Thank you again for the laugh and sharing the lighter side of labour.

#225 Lunafreya

Posted 07 July 2014 - 08:06 PM

I asked DH to change his shirt as he had been eating a mandarin earlier that day and I can't stand mandarins.

When he gave me water the straw was "noisy" and I asked him to get me a "less noisy straw".

I also said I wanted a new body and someone else could have this baby.

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