I am the party that out of the 98% of the previous posts was forgotten about. I am the partner of Mel333.
There are several issues happening here and I'll try to cover them all.
1. Topic - the topic is "secondary infertility". Secondary infertility is almost a medical term, coined to represent the group of people who are not infertile due to natural causes. Thereby, it is to be expected people who have had children naturally would post. Someone has mentioned in one of the posts they did not want to see this or read about children. The reason this topic was started is so people could express their point of view, you do not have to click on this topic to read it. The choice is yours so you should live with it.
2. Infertility - Mel333 and myself fall under both categories. As she has mentioned previously I have problems with my sperm and thereby even if she did not have a TL we would not be able to concieve naturally.
3. Money - Mel333 did not make a distinction that money is in any case a driving force for IVF. Not from the parents side anyways - perhaps from the doctors. Yes, we are financially well off and we are able to afford IVF, if we weren't perhaps we wouldn't be able to do it, or perhaps we would work 3 different shifts just to scrape some money in for it.
4. Pain - a lot of people here have mentioned the pain is not the same. That is possible. But how can you really tell? Everyone experiences pain differently. Does a person that has lost a father experience the grief less than a person that has lost a very close friend? Can you really answer that truthfully
? I don't think so. Is the pain from not conceiving in SIF different from not concieving in PIF? Possibly. Possibly not. Who can tell? We all have our reasons for wanting children. When that reason is not satisfied who is to say whether it feels less or more painful than the next persons?
5. Children - yes, Mel has had 4 children already, but she has also had 3 miscarriages. She has experienced a great amount of pain. I have had no children. Sure, I love the 4 greatly and I am a father to them (even though they don't see it that way sometime
), but I have never experienced being in a theatre room with my partner, holding her hand, wiping the sweat of her forehead and telling her "It's going to be OK honey" while she struggles to deliver another life into the world. I never had the experience of looking into that baby's eyes and seeing myself in them and knowing my world there and then has changed forever and I have a world of responsibility on my shoulders now. From almost every post I was the forgotten one. When Mel and I get a negative result is my pain any less then yours because Mel had 4 children? I don't think so. Just because I have to take care of them, does not mean I don't wake in the middle of the night "hearing" a baby's cry and then end up crying myself, because I realised I imagined it?
I think, from what I've read, is that everyone is losing their way. Everyone is angry without even realising why they're angry. I get the impression that people are venting and they found a post they can get all their feelings out on, because a lot of the posts are completely illogical and lack reason. But that happens, it is to be expected with everything we all are going through. The experiences we all went through are varied. Nobody really knows what the next person is going through. The people that have posted comments seem to use the logic that "if you've had kids, IVF failure won't hurt as much". This logic is incorrect. You can apply same logic and say "You've lost your dad, so losing your mum won't hurt as much". Nobody can judge a person's loss or grief. Be it SIF or PIF, of any kind of abbreviation you can figure. A person's grief is a person's grief, and nobody has a say otherwise.
My opinion in all of this, is that people need to cool down. I know for a fact that Mel333 did not want to insult anyone. She was merely putting her experiences and her view on the board for a discussion as relevant to the topic. If people weren't sure whether insult was meant, they should ask instead of creating more havoc and conversation can flow with possibly some good in it.
This is my first and last post in this thread or any other. If people's opinions cannot be respected (whether they are valid or not) then websites like these should not be used.
I wish everyone all the best in their quest for parenthood, whether SIF or PIF, whether you're trying 1st time or for the 100th time, whether you're doing it naturally or through assisted conception. It is a long hard road whichever way you look at it. There is pain and there is sorrow and I hope soon enough you'll all experience the happiness of a child.