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How on earth do you cope with more than one child?

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#51 witchesforest

Posted 12 November 2009 - 10:08 AM

re having to be an older mum to post here - this seems a bit petty because it can be quite subjective what is considered 'older'.  back in the 70s, my mum had me at 27 (first of 4 babies) and had 'elderly primagravida' written on her file in the hospital!  

who's to say younger mums don't have anything to add?  it seems crazy to cut people out of conversations because of some arbitrary age limit.  you never know, they might have another perspective or some useful advice.

#52 Jahbee

Posted 12 November 2009 - 03:25 PM

ladies a reminder to please stick to the topic here and no personal attacks.  We do not police who posts here.  This is the forum for Older mums but that does not mean it is compulsary to be over 40 or whatever you consider an older mum to post and read here.  We welcome all our members to read and contribute here so please keep that in mind.  Thankyou.
Mod of Older Mums

#53 seepi

Posted 13 November 2009 - 03:26 PM

Reading this I just keep coming back to the daycare thing.

Putting my DD into daycare one day a week was the best thing I ever did. Instead of being with her 7 days a week, 24/7 and falling into that never-ending drudgery mindset, I was away from her one day a week, and I got to do my own thing - hair cuts, mop the floor, whatever, and I looked forward to picking her up sooooo much, it re-freshed our entire relationship/

I do believe in finding the very best daycare centre you can,. and putting your name down - it can take 6 months to get a spot at he good centres. It is more relaxing to start them while you aren't working - you can start them with short days or keep them home if you have something on etc. and they get used to it, so they aren't stressed when you do go back to work, or anxious when they do start pre-school.

I know some people really can't face the idea of daycare - a friend in mother's group enrolled her daughter but used to stay all day with her as she just couldn't leave her there. She eventually got a nanny 2 days a week (even tho she was at home), but the nanny didn't last long - they said they wanted full time work, but I wondered if they didn't like being watched all day.

Anyway - you don't sound that happy as things are, and daycare or a nanny is one obvious way to take a bit of the pressure off you.

I think another is to join heaps of playgroups, where at least you get to have a cuppa and a chat to people without too much difficulty.

#54 Wahootifandango

Posted 24 November 2009 - 02:33 PM

I have not read all the replies - but thought I would add my personal experience (and for the record I had my children at 37 and 39 - hope that is ancient enough  biggrin.gif ).

I am also a professional - and believe the key to being able to raise your children the way you want, still have a fulfilling career, and whatever else is important to you, is flexibility and compromise.  

I took off six months with each of my children and went back to work 3 days a week moving to 4 days a week after 12 months (well I will when DS2 is 12 months.)  My DH has been able to reduce his work to 4 days a week as well.  This way, our children are only in daycare 3 days a week (though DS1 wants to go every day!), I still am able to maintain a great career in which I can continue to advance, and my DH gets to be a home husband one day a week.  It works great for us and we are so lucky to have this flexibility.

These days most professional employers are keen to be seen as family friendly so these types of  arrangement are becoming more common.  

It is not necessary to look at everything as black & whilte - 2nd child v career.  I think you may regret giving up the idea of a second child more than you would, say, putting your kids in child care just a few days a week.  You obviously are not ready yet though, give yourself some more time.

As far as child #2 goes - I have 2 years between - and am just loving it!  However, I have only been back to work for one week so I may change my mind!  

For the record - the term "I prefer to raise my children myself" IS highly offensive regardless of its intent.

#55 *MissMelissa*

Posted 16 December 2009 - 12:19 PM

Wow...juicy posts!

Love it when it gets a bit firey on here!

Thought I'd add my bit, figured ...what the hell, I'll join in too.

I am an older Mum(37) pregnant with my 6th! I have 10 month old twins so in a few months I will having 3 under 16 months.

I think I am probably the maternal type...LOVE having children and my work has been in early childhood. At the moment I am studying primary education while being a SAHM.

Ok, so thats my background now on to the issues raised here.

Basically my opinion is, if in doubt ...don't! If your heart is questioning whether you should have another then the time simply isn't right for you. Give it a few more months...or years even and then decide. Start to enjoy the beautiful baby you have now.....the next year to 2 years is going to be amazing while your little one begins to wake up and discover the world ...its really my favourite time. The newborn stage can be a shock to the system for any first time Mum, and it may not be evidence of you not coping in the future. But more children will pose more challenges (believe me...lol) and unless your heart is open to that perhaps its best just to see what happens.....time is an amazing thing!

Now onto the whole childcare debate.

I've worked in childcare previous to having my babies. However I did make the decision not to put my own children into childcare, not because I didn't believe in the product, but more because I wanted to be with them and watch them grow...and because I was able to work at home by becoming a family daycarer. My decision suited myself and my family. I firmly believe a mothers decision to use daycare or to SAH....is simply a personal opinion. Like everything in parenting each person has their own beliefs...and is entitled to that.

Some parents do not like their children watching TV at all....while others don't mind. Some feed their children solely organice produce....while others do not. We all have our own ideas of what we want for our children.....and thats ok. I was involved in Steiner education for many years, and I can tell you there is soo many opinions in how to raise a child...its countless. To plastic toy or not to plastic toy..that is the question!!!! hehehe

OP....you are entitled not to believe in childcare for your babe, you may change your mind over the next few years.....and that will be fine. To all those of you who use childcare.....you have made the right decision for your family, childcare is not the "bad" thing that many sprout it to be, infact good childcare can be incredibly beneficial to children and families....providing support to families and stimulating environments for youngsters.

Theres a saying..."it takes a village to raise a child", unfortuately our western society isolates mothers and families. In days of old, grandparents, aunties ...etc, would all lend a hand in supporting mothers with young children. This simply isn't possible in our culture, and that is where childcare can step in...and be the sarrogate family to supppot mother and babes.

My advice...follow your heart on deciding for another; and finally we all have our vision for our children, whether it be not using childcare....not giving our children plastic toys... breastfeeding over formula...... fast food over no fast food...tv v's no tv.... Geeez to many to count.

At the end of the day if we love our kids,......thats all that matters

Cheers all.

Mel original.gif

#56 localyokel

Posted 18 December 2009 - 10:21 PM

Wow what a lot of opinions.  So i might as well join in!   biggrin.gif I was 37 when i had twins.  They were 4 when i had dd.  I do agree with the posters who have said - its just not like a job - you cant organise them, offer incentives for making deadlines etc.  You cant just say 'well i'm not cut out for this career and walk away'  well not very easily anyway.  But i do think that trying to make things absolutely top notch can take some of the joy out of having more than one child.  Not only do you get better at the baby bits, but when they go to school by the time you get to numbers 2 and 3 you have the schooling issues well sorted.  
As for childcare - like many things it is entirely up to how you view it, but also like many things you can start out with one opinion and end up with a different one when you have a bit more time 'on the job'.  Getting a nanny and going back to work is a reasonable thing if work is what you want and need.  But i thought the OP was asking about having more children not going back to work.
I agree about having a little more space between children, you do need to get some sense of sanity back;  as for one child sending you to counselling, good on you for taking that step and doing something constructive.  You will probably have learned quite a few strategies to help you thru a lot of life's turbulence by doing that.
And lastly, with spacing...............remember that if they are close enough in age they will be going thru the teenage years almost simultaneously  ffear.gif and even worse..................you will be teaching them to drive one after the other..... ffear.gif ddoh.gif ffear.gif   Ali  hands.gif

#57 junipertree

Posted 11 February 2010 - 07:23 PM


Edited by junipertree, 24 August 2012 - 08:26 PM.

#58 jamie78

Posted 11 February 2010 - 07:35 PM

Hey Junipertree, Glad to hear getting things off your chest has helped you. This thread has been really interesting.

I'm a mum to a 2 1/2 year old and only in the last few months have I seriously considered another child. I just don't do well with babies (though fingers crossed my second will like sleep a bit more!)

Now DS is a bit older, he is such a delight. The chatting is what I love most...so that will just increase  wink.gif
I told everyone we were going to be a one child family. I knew we wouldn't ever TTC, it's just not us, but #2 is on its way as a surprise, hehe.

DS will be over 3 when bubs is born, even better IMO.

All the best, the first year is CRAZY DIFFICULT in my opinion. Not for everyone but it was for me.

ETA I had counselling for my birth trauma, it was amazingly helpful. What an angel she was. I put things to rest and my relationships with DS improved from then on.

Edited by jamie78, 11 February 2010 - 07:43 PM.

#59 chocymoose

Posted 15 May 2010 - 08:11 PM

Just dropped in,  thanks for all the tips!

#60 BetteBoop

Posted 16 May 2010 - 03:32 PM

QUOTE (lady*of*thelake @ 24/10/2009, 03:03 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Regardless of not meaning to offend, that is a pretty offensive comment. I guess you're planning on homeschooling then, as you can't have a school "raising your child", can you? wink.gif

My DD is in childcare and I don't think this is an offensive comment. It's her opinion and if she never puts her child in daycare or even formal schoo, then that's her choice and not a personal criticism. I'm not bagging other mums by putting my child in child care.

OP, I would love a second baby but I can't. Either way, I wanted to wait at least 2 years before TTC again because I read a lot to suggests that this is the best gap for the development of the kids and to reduce sibling rivalry. It's all a moot point because we will be a 'one and done' family. My first point is this - you aren't bound by law to have another child. The birth rate in Australia is 1.8 kids per child. Small families are becoming more common and 1 child families are around 15% right now.

Another option - can you wait another 6 months before moving ahead?  I know you don't want to be too old but you are pretty old now so what is a few more months going to do?

Reading your post, you have some pretty firm attitudes on what it is to be a good mother. I imagine in your paid work role you had a great attention to detail and were a bit of a perfectionist.

Being that type of person myself, I think it's harder for us to realise that you won't wreck your baby by dropping your standards slightly. A day or two of daycare a week for your oldest could be a sanity saver. Happy mum = happy kids.

It's okay if you didn't particularly enjoy a newborn. Lots of women don't and that's okay. They get through that time and enjoy parenting later on. Ease up on yourself and you might see that there isn't a perfect mum anyway. We're all flawed in some way. Some of us love newborns (guilty as charged) but find toddlers kind of annoying. That doesn't mean I'm a better or worse mum than you.

If you have a second you could also look at reducing the 'groundhog day' factor which you talked about in previous posts. Returning to work part time earlier than you wanted with your second might help.

I think you are putting a lot of pressure on yourself to be a certain way. If you just muddle through the first couple of years, then that's okay. Children are resilient. You don't have to be perfect and they will still love you anyway.

I wish you the best of luck in making this decision.

#61 Sophie11

Posted 16 May 2010 - 05:44 PM

I think a 2nd child is the greatest gift you can give your 1st child.  My 2nd smiled and continued smiling every time it saw my 1st child....he has never stopped smiling... they just love each other and life is so easy as they just keep other amused day in and day out.  Thats just my opinion.  

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