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Unreliable Grandmother...How to approach?
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#51 *MuchTooYoung*

Posted 26 February 2010 - 08:20 PM

QUOTE (belliebee @ 26/02/2010, 08:16 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
OMG Im never posting on this thing again...

So my husband DOES help me out but HE WORKS 6 days a week!! and I know I had this baby myself... I never said it was my mum responsibility but I just would of thought other mother out there would have at least 1 person to rely on for assistance when they needed a day to do something important to recharge batteries... like take a walk or something...

I havent done a grown up thing in a year and what you all are so perfect, you have support do you...

You know what????? next time you are enjoying a 5 min break without your screaming child.. remember me, who hasnt had a second to myself and has "F" ALL support...

thanks for listening u bunch of b**ches



WOW. You need to get some perspective. My husband was away for the majority of last year, deployed in Afghanistan. The year before that he was working 16/17/18 hours a day, 7 days a week for months at a time. I dont have family support as we live away from my family. You are not the only person in the world looking after a child with very little family support.
I had 3 kids, under 4, for MONTHS at a time by myself. LOTS of people do it.
If you find you're not coping, maybe put her in day care one day a week, or get a babysitter. It sucks that your mum isnt there for you more, but thats life.
You really sound like you're struggling, and could do with a break. If your mum isnt going to do it, look elsewhere.
I feel quite sad for you and your daughter right now, you seem really unhappy. But I think you need to look for solutions other than your mum.

#52 Guest_Rainbow Bright_*

Posted 26 February 2010 - 08:21 PM

It sounds like you really need a break. If you don't want to get your husband to give you a hand maybe you should look into childcare? Family day care, or something.

FWIW my partner works 7 days a week, the only time he gets off is if he's sick.

#53 EssentialBludger

Posted 26 February 2010 - 08:21 PM

QUOTE (belliebee @ 26/02/2010, 07:16 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
OMG Im never posting on this thing again...

So my husband DOES help me out but HE WORKS 6 days a week!! and I know I had this baby myself... I never said it was my mum responsibility but I just would of thought other mother out there would have at least 1 person to rely on for assistance when they needed a day to do something important to recharge batteries... like take a walk or something...

I havent done a grown up thing in a year and what you all are so perfect, you have support do you...

You know what????? next time you are enjoying a 5 min break without your screaming child.. remember me, who hasnt had a second to myself and has "F" ALL support...

thanks for listening u bunch of b**ches



LOL. I wonder why your mother doesn't want to spend any time with you? Grow up.

What do you think single parents do? Defence families? Wives who's partners do FIFO? You're not the only person in the world with little support. Some have it alot worse than you. Be thankful you actually have your husband home every night and one day week.

You don't get 5 minutes to yourself? Is your child awake 24/7?

#54 WhatWouldBuffyDo

Posted 26 February 2010 - 08:24 PM

QUOTE
QUOTE
You know what????? next time you are enjoying a 5 min break without your screaming child.. remember me, who hasnt had a second to myself and has "F" ALL support...


OMG!!! How rude are you?!?!

People were being rather supportive i thought. Like JP said, there are plenty of single mothers, FIFO and defence families that are in the same boat as you.
My DH works 5 days a week on a normal week. Sometimes he doesnt come home at night as he has guard duty. Sometimes he has to go away for excercises and courses and isnt home for weeks or months at a time. The last time he was away, he was gone for 6 months. I have 3 children, we live in Darwin and our families live in rural NSW... pretty sure i know what it is like to have no family and no support so NO i dont feel sorry for you!!

#55 justpeppermint

Posted 26 February 2010 - 08:27 PM

Look it's a valid vent, I never said it wasn't.

I resent her you have no idea what it's like tone thats all.

Because there are a heck of a lot that do. Some made suggestions on how to remedy it and all they got back was youse are all b**ches. Of course I'm going to be snarky.

Take advice or don't but do not ask for it and then get nasty because you don't like the advice you got.

#56 Chelbean

Posted 26 February 2010 - 08:28 PM

In regards to the hair cut situation going on within the thread, I have never taken my DD to a haircut, not because she wouldnt stay in the pram or would cry or would be difficult...mostly because getting your hair done is meant to be nice! Its one of the only times I get to just sit...to me it would be like taking my DD to a massage with me lol  rolleyes.gif

OP - Harden up. You posted this topic, and while some responses may not have been what you were looking for, most are valid and MOST are saying that they do understand where you are coming from. It seems you were looking for us all to say shes a crap grandmother?

FWIW I do understand as well, about not having any support. When DD was 4 months old we moved to Brisbane. I was a mess. I didn't know anyone, DP worked 6 days a week and I was on my own with a baby and no support. I had my fair share of meltdowns, but DP was great. I understand your husband is working, but what you are doing is working as well. On his day off, can he not take his daughter for a walk in the pram, or to see his family while you just have half an hour?
Your mum has a life as well, and while it would be frustrating to book her in advance only to have her always cancel, it is her progative. Its not like you are paying her. If you want a babysitter, pay for one, or ask a friend who is willing to help. Or pop your DD in daycare for half a day a week.

Other suggestions:

- Look at Playgroup Australia, they have playgroups everywhere and it would get you out of the house.
- Take your DD to swimming lessons, again just to get out of the house, i also met some great friends through this and we started our own little regular playdate group.
- Look into some gymboree type thing.
- Use occasional care for when you need to get out or need a break.

It does really suck having the baby all the time and never being able to just breathe, but (and although uve denied this is the problem) having a DH/DP that helps, even just for an hour takes her away or does something with her, can really help.

As I said i feel for you, but i would stop asking your mother and just deal with the fact she doesn't want to babysit. Its not her duty, shes raised you and now shes living for herself, which is what she should be doing. I would cease contact with her as well, you might find if you don't ring her so much she might offer to babysit more often and come over to see her granddaughter.

Whatever you do, calm down about the responses in this thread, you asked for opinions and you got them, just because they were not the ones you were looking for don't act like a 5 year old calling us all names.

I hope you can work something out.

Rachael



#57 mischiefmaker

Posted 26 February 2010 - 08:33 PM

Here you go OP.  http://www.findababysitter.com.au/

Now stop complaining.


#58 fairymagic

Posted 26 February 2010 - 08:41 PM

Perhaps it is time to consider 1 day of childcare or family day care per week so you can have some "me" time. I understand you being upset at your mother's apparent lack of support or willingness to help out but that is her choice and there really isn't much you can do or say about it. If you do say something, she may change but she may do that only because you said something and not because she wanted to change the situation. Maybe if you look into childcare for your DD and in passing, mention it to your mum, she may react differently. If she questions why you made the decision, then you could calmly put it to her that you needed to be able to get things done and with DD along, it made it nearly impossible. If she asks why you didn't ask her, tell her.

You may also find that some of the childcare workers may be available to babysit on the rare occasion you have something on. Again, if you ask someone like that a couple of times and not ask your mother, she may question why and you can tell her.

#59 zibble

Posted 26 February 2010 - 08:46 PM

I haven’t read all the responses cos some of them have just been awful!

My mum and I are also close and soon as I had DS she went all nervous about coming over. I was also shocked but it just took time (months). DS is nearly 13 months and now my Mum is having a lot more confidence about being with him. She did look after DS when I had a few short appointments but I realised early on that she was just too nervous about looking after him as he wasn’t an easy baby. Maybe your mum is the same?? Maybe she is doesn’t have any confidence about how to interact with babies. I was really disappointed in the lack of support but I just talked to my mum and said I needed her. None of my friends have babies either and I’m a very shy person who isn’t keen on going to mother’s groups. What really helped me was going back to work and putting DS in childcare for two days a week. Maybe consider childcare one day a week? Otherwise try going shopping with your mum or getting her to come with you while you have an appointment(maybe not a hairdresser appointment) to look after DD? Does she live far away? Can you drop DD off for a short amount of time or maybe just spends some time at your mum’s? My mum felt heaps better with DS while she was in her own home so I made some extra visits (40 minutes away)
Good luck and I hope things get sorted.


#60 DolphinKisses

Posted 26 February 2010 - 08:51 PM

I could have written your OP word by word, except my mum has had DD once whilt me and DP went to see a movie. DD screamed hysterically the whole time we were gone cause mum didnt have a clue what to do (well didnt wanna try anything with her) Its so sad cause I too was so close to mum before getting pregnant, I dont know what to say really, just wanted to let you know your not alone

QUOTE
1 person to rely on for assistance when they needed a day to do something important to recharge batteries... like take a walk or something...


I am lucky though as my DP gets up to DD on saturday mornings and if I ever need a break or just want to go get my hair done (did last week) he will take her and loves spending time with her (he works long nightshifts so doesnt get to see her that much only on weekends) So I am pretty spoilt and love my weekends lol

Edited by DolphinKisses, 26 February 2010 - 08:59 PM.


#61 ateljo21

Posted 26 February 2010 - 08:54 PM

OP I agree with you and I think that your mother is being selfish. I would sit her down and ask her why she doesn't babysit on occasion. My DH and I have 3 kids and we might go out without them once a year, but if I needed my parents or inlaws to look after them, they would not even question it.

#62 amaza

Posted 26 February 2010 - 08:56 PM

The fact that you posted originally in Daycare, Babysitters and Nannies section says it all really. This isn't about your mother, this is about your lack of babysitters. Daycare is good for that.

#63 justpeppermint

Posted 26 February 2010 - 09:02 PM

Oh geez louise I didn't even realise what section it was. NOICE.

#64 billso

Posted 26 February 2010 - 09:02 PM

you could look at the responses in this thread as a positive and realise that your not the only mum in the same position.

I agree our expectations on our mums can be so different to reality, but its something you have to deal with.   Both our parents live interstate and overseas, we always get excited when they come to visit with expectations of babysitters, it has taken until DS was 18mths for our grandparents to be confident and comfortable with DS.  So like many others i would say forget about using your mum as a babysitter.

Your DH should obvisouly take on parenting duties and should never be asked to babysit, as with many others i find this really bad.   Without the support of my DH i wouldn't get my hair cut (yep no more monthly blonde highlights) but 6 weekly cuts.   But more importantly is that my DS & DH have a fantastic bond and the benefits that DS will have from this far outway any need for my time alone.

There are things you can do to get involved and meet people as 10 mths is not too old.  
Mums group, there is no reason why you can't join in with a new mums group, most mums would understand that its hard at the start to get out.
MOPS, most cities have MOPS groups where your kids are looked after in a creche giving mum 2 hours with other mums to have morning tea, group chats and craft.
Meeting other mums and networking is another thing you need, join a Gymboree, playgroup, swimming class, music class & make a big effort to invite other mums for a coffee or playdate.

Daycare etc, we have DS in Daycare for 1/2 day once a week when we can go to appts, do the shopping etc etc.  I make a effort of spending 30 mins to a hour at the centre when i pick DS up, he never wants to come home as is having too much fun, so i get to chat and meet other mums, which has helped as so many are in the same situation and we now help each other.

So yep its hard and disappointing, but your DH needs to start parenting and you need to make a big effort to get out.

#65 longwayhome

Posted 26 February 2010 - 09:06 PM

Maybe look for some occasional care places in your area.

We have one in Sydney where you pay $7 an hour and can leave your child for a few hours. It is a lifesaver if you have an appointment and don't have anyone to babysit

#66 duedec

Posted 26 February 2010 - 09:08 PM

OP I agree with most of the other posters.  Grandparents are not there to primarily be babysitters.

What about having a chat to your mum and asking her whether she actually wants to babysit?  My MIL helps me out at times, but I have always given her the out to tell me if it doesn't suit / she doesn't want to etc.  And at times it doesn't suit her, (for whatever reasons) and I respect that choice and make alternative arrangements.

I think you might do well to consider some alternatives, like find a babysitter, occasional care, regular daycare.   I have had difficult children too, so I know it can be hard to leave them in the care of others, but at 10 months, hopefully you might be getting to the point of feeling more comfortable leaving them.

Also agree that your DH perhaps needs to step up a bit.  Spending time with your child and giving your partner a break is pretty important too.

Edited by duedec, 26 February 2010 - 09:09 PM.


#67 mmk

Posted 26 February 2010 - 09:15 PM

QUOTE (zibble @ 26/02/2010, 09:46 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
My mum and I are also close and soon as I had DS she went all nervous about coming over. I was also shocked but it just took time (months). DS is nearly 13 months and now my Mum is having a lot more confidence about being with him. She did look after DS when I had a few short appointments but I realised early on that she was just too nervous about looking after him as he wasn’t an easy baby. Maybe your mum is the same?? Maybe she is doesn’t have any confidence about how to interact with babies.



I was thinking along the same sort of lines as zibble...  My mum I was quite happy to leave DS with at 6wo (MIL too!), but mum was like I've never seen her before!  She was worried about doing the 'wrong' thing, changing nappies, giving him EBM etc (even though my brother & I were 100% bottle fed!) etc.  The whole 'baby' thing just threw her because it had been 30 years.  She was so unconfident it wasn't funny!  She's fine now, but she really struggled early on.  She was happy to help out because she knew I needed her, but she didn't realise that whatever decision she made for DS was the right one because she was the only adult there at the time.  It took A LOT of telling her that for it to get through.  There's every chance that your mum is the same, and given a bit of time she'll happily help out through the toddler stage etc where she's feeling more confident.

I put DS into LDC 2 days a week at 9mo.  I NEEEEEDED that time for myself (& study), and I have a very good DH that helped where he could (also working 6 days a week).  It's the best thing I could've ever done!  DS has no separation anxiety at all, and is now in LDC 5 days a week because we're both working.  I would seriously look at even 1 day for yourself, because I was going nuts without it and I could imagine you are too if your DH is 'never' there.  It's been so good for his social skills, and also for us being able to leave him with any family member & he knows we're coming back.

If I was in your situation I'd be looking into care for 1 or 2 days a week, and somehow getting your mum to visit as a visitor to see how easy it is to care for a baby (or visiting her).  My parents can't get enough of DS now, whereas dad wasn't ever that keen when he was younger.  Hopefully your mum is just not feeling confident with a baby...

#68 eggma blowtorch

Posted 26 February 2010 - 09:15 PM

QUOTE
1 person to rely on for assistance when they needed a day to do something important to recharge batteries... like take a walk or something...

You have this - your husband.  If he isn't giving you the help and support you need, then crack the whip on him.  It's not your mother's responsibility, it's his.

For the record, I didn't get any help off my mother, either.  She's dead.

#69 hannahbannah

Posted 26 February 2010 - 09:40 PM

QUOTE (belliebee @ 26/02/2010, 08:16 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
OMG Im never posting on this thing again...

So my husband DOES help me out but HE WORKS 6 days a week!! and I know I had this baby myself... I never said it was my mum responsibility but I just would of thought other mother out there would have at least 1 person to rely on for assistance when they needed a day to do something important to recharge batteries... like take a walk or something...

I havent done a grown up thing in a year and what you all are so perfect, you have support do you...

You know what????? next time you are enjoying a 5 min break without your screaming child.. remember me, who hasnt had a second to myself and has "F" ALL support...

thanks for listening u bunch of b**ches


WOAH settle petal. Not every PP was being rude to you, most gave you advice and sympathised with you.
At first I was agreeing with you 100% but after that outburst I am starting to see why your mother doesn't want to help you much.

BTW, if your DH works 6 days what about the 1 day he has off? Why can't he have your DD then while you get your hair done and have some "me" time?

#70 2~gorgeous~boys

Posted 26 February 2010 - 10:08 PM

WOW!  I agree, read all the responses before replying.

You do not have the worse situation out there.  There are people worse off.



#71 jules363

Posted 26 February 2010 - 11:56 PM

Another one who read your OP, and was nodding and sympathising, and getting ready to give some advice and support.  Then read on and saw your incredible and un-justified rudeness to abeni, and subsequent tantrum.

You are lucky to have a mother.  I don't have one, or a mother-in-law, or a father, or a father-in-law.  I do have two sister-in-laws, who are both approaching 70, who will come and mind the kids as a team.  And a partner (who also works very long hours, 60 - 70 per week) who doesn't think of having charge of his kids as "baby-sitting" them.  So I guess I am "luckier" than you.  But you are certainly luckier than some.  My hat is off to single mums and FIFO mums, and those who have no family support.

My two younger kids go to daycare 2 days a week.  I work for the family business on one of those days, and on the other, I acknowledge that I need some time out, and have no one whose responsibility it is to provide it, so I pay for it.  Maybe you could consider that.  I am not without sympathy for your situation, but you have been very rude to people who for the most part, were trying to support you.  You sound like a 5yo.

Edited by jules363, 26 February 2010 - 11:58 PM.


#72 C-Dub

Posted 27 February 2010 - 07:46 AM

op.......cup full of crazy



I havent seen a tantrum like that on EB before original.gif I think I might stick around!



edited to say: I DID feel sorry for you, until I read your responses

Edited by *jcr*, 27 February 2010 - 07:53 AM.


#73 cinnabubble

Posted 27 February 2010 - 08:00 AM

OP, did you think that you and your mother would be bringing up your daughter while your husband went out to work???

Seriously, poutiness like yours is why we're meant to wait until we're grown ups before we procreate. You're the mother now. You need to act like an adult.

#74 Sammysmummy

Posted 27 February 2010 - 08:13 AM

Although its not your mums job to babysit it would upset me if my mum didnt want to be around my DD (whether that be at my place when I'm there or if she was to babysit her).  Maybe your mum feels left out or something since the baby being born...anyways who knows, I hope it works out re your mum BUT..........................

I can not help but say, your husband needs to step up to the f'ing plate!!!!!!!!!  ARGHHHH husbands who think spending time with THEIR child is babysitting annoys the crap out of me!!!!!!!!!  If you feel you dont have one ounce of support and you are married to and live with the father of your baby then there is a SERIOUS problem!  My husband works 6 days a week too.  I work on a Sunday (his day off) and on his day off he spends the whole day with 1 year old DD, takes her out to the beach, zoo, into the city etc oh AND on the two days I work during the week he picks her up after he finishes work and brings her home, takes her to the park, feeds and baths her untill I get home AND NO he does not consider this babysitting, he is her freaking father!

You need to have a one to one with your husband!

ETA - Sorry I just re-read my post and realised that it was quite harsh re your DH and I wasnt trying to rub it in your face what a husband should do...but in all honesty I think that it is normal for a husband to do those things and think its important that you realise it so that maybe you can change the dynamics in your household as it seems that clearly you are unhappy.

Edited by newmummy2009, 27 February 2010 - 08:30 AM.


#75 zibble

Posted 27 February 2010 - 08:22 AM

I think wanting her mum to babysit is only part of the problem here so complaining about DH isn’t going to help. I could be wrong I think it’s more about being upset and disappointed in how her mum so showing no interest her granddaughter especially when they were so close before. This would be really hurtful.  I can’t believe people are saying that there are others worse off and get over it (I hate this argument as you can say it about ANY situation). Where is the sympathy? No wonder OP reacted like she did. Having Grandparents babysitting isn’t always about allowing you to do what you want but for the kids and grandparents to establish a relationship together. I think this is really important. How is this going to happen if the Grandparents rarely see them or take an interest in them?




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