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(Vent) New buddy group for those with annoying, insensitive In-Laws
Those who suffer from uncontrolable 'rub your nose in it'


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18 replies to this topic

#1 paulagirl

Posted 04 May 2010 - 10:43 AM

VENT:   rant.gif my SIL and MIL!!!!!   Grrrrrr!   They don't miss a single opportunity to rub my nose in it (and keep in mind that DH and I have been very honest and open about all our treatments and struggles):

Exhibit A:  Two days before my birthday; during the time that DH and I are going through heavy counseling to deal with multiple m/c's and the possibility that we may never complete our family.  SIL rings me to say "Ummm, like, I'm late for my period and, umm like, I took some antibiotics a few weeks ago and that.  So, umm like, I went to the doctor and I did a pg test and, like, it said it was positive.  Like, WHAT DO YOU THINK THAT MEANS???"

Exhibit B:  MIL asks me: "So, is there much history in your family of not being able to mother children?"
- "No.  Your son and I view as a combined fertility issue - not my 'inability to mother children'."
- "Oh.  I would have thought that you'd want to find out where your problem lies.  I mean, we all know how fertile our family is! and DS is so healthy and strong.  It just can't be HIS problem."

Exhibit C:  One day before the b'day of our baby in heaven.  SIL says completely out of the blue "Like, I'd totally be, like, your surrogate after I am through with this pg and that."  

Exhibit D:  Two weeks after the b'day of our baby in heaven.  SIL TEXT messages me. "I think I may have missed the anniversary of your m/c (?)  Sorry if I did and I hope you had a good day."
MIL forgets completely.

Exhibit E:  Two days after my laparoscopy which resulted in me losing both my FT.  My SIL says: "OMG! Like, my friend 'Jane' is pg again....  Like, sooooo unlucky!  She's like having twins, but one of the twins is suck in her tubes and that (ectopic).  But she is like so totally determined to keep them both!  Totally!"

Exhibit F:  At a family BBQ; DH cousin's wife asks me if we are going to have another baby.  MIL shouts out from the other side of the park "Oh, God! - don't ask her that!".  Thanks.  Really needed a flashing neon sign on my forehead "barren".

Exhibit G though to XYZ:  EVERY time I come across them, the same topics are raised; "babies, such and such is pg, nappies, breast feeding, etc."

ENOUGH!!!!!  Let's change the subject, pleeeeeeeease!!!!!!  

Thanks for letting me vent on this forum...  I really needed that!  Please feel free to unload your own baggage.




#2 Guest_bunjibing_*

Posted 04 May 2010 - 10:48 AM

That's atrocious! Some people can be so self centered! How do you respond when they say these things?

#3 ~nikki~

Posted 04 May 2010 - 10:49 AM

Im sorry you have to go through this some people are just so rude and thoughtless.

#4 ~Panda~

Posted 04 May 2010 - 11:14 AM

Hi original.gif

I'm so sorry you have to put up with such horrible, thoughtless comments. I can completely understand as both my SIL's do this and my MIL. My MIL does not know I have started IVF because she has said and done some horrible things to me in the past and I know she would say something only to upset me which is the last thing I need when starting this journey.

Just to give you a quick two examples.

Number 1. I was flown to a bigger hospital in the air ambulance from my home town when I had my first m/c. I was in hospital for nearly 3 weeks, lost so much blood for 50 days (covered the whole bed most days), went into labour, my hormones kept climbing (hcg was about 250,000 and going up) I had 4 D&C's, x-rays, MRIs, BTs daily, hooked up to fluids daily, you name it. The hospital I was flown to was 10 mins from my MIL. She did NOT call once or visit yet I had friends drive hours to visit but she rang DH and said "when are you shouting me out for a seafood dinner?" And she knew I was having major complications with the m/c.

Number 2. SIL said once that she would be my surrogate, then recently pretty much said she wouldn't. I never asked her to be a surrogate, but the fact she offered then has taken it back is distasteful in my eyes. She should have never offered in the first place. She also complained and got upset when she found out at her 20 week u/s she was having another DS. I was furious. She needs to thank her lucky stars she can have children. And what is worse is she complained because it took her 3 months to fall pregnant.  rant.gif

That is honestly just the beginning. It gets a lot worse but I find the more I talk about it the more upset I get.

Is there some way you could distance yourself from them a little more? These type of people can be toxic. When it is someone who is nice and doesn't mean to say the wrong thing you don't mind as much, but when it is family who just keep saying insensitive things over and over there is really no excuse.

Big hugs to you. PM me if you ever need to vent more.

Edited by ~Panda~, 04 May 2010 - 11:18 AM.


#5 Spock

Posted 04 May 2010 - 11:31 AM

hi there,

i understand what you are going through and i agree with panda's post, you really need to get away from your sil and mil. does your partner know or understand how toxic they are being? i hope he would be supportive of you needing to stay away from them. i'm a bit lucky i guess in that my sil is interstate so don't see her much.

it may cause a family rift but right now, you have to prioritise your emotional state and they are not helping you at all.

#6 gettin my fance on

Posted 04 May 2010 - 11:38 AM

I'm so sorry for how they are treating you.

Any possibility of you DH declaring himself a born again orphan?

#7 paulagirl

Posted 04 May 2010 - 11:40 AM

QUOTE (~Panda~ @ 04/05/2010, 11:14 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
SIL said once that she would be my surrogate, then recently pretty much said she wouldn't... She should have never offered in the first place.
Who offers to be a surrogate when not asked?!?!  Mind you that at the time that my SIL offered, it was unclear whether our fertility problems stemmed from male or female factors - I was so offended that it was assumed that the problem was me!!!  

QUOTE
She also complained and got upset when she found out at her 20 week u/s she was having another DS.
I hear you, sister!  Like having a gorgeous, healthy, bouncing baby boy is such bad news!  Why don't they have the tact to keep those comments to themselves!

QUOTE
How do you respond when they say these things?
  Well, as you can probably tell from my 're-enactment' that my SIL is not the sharpest crayon in the box.  She really has no clue what she is saying.  She once said "Like, I don't mind homeless people, but, like, why do they have to smell so bad?"  Not a clue!  
With my MIL, I have to be very careful.  She is a very calculating woman.  I call her 'the bank', because everything you say or do that she doesn't approve of, she'll deposit it in her 'memory bank', and once she has enough deposits, she'll bring out her 'statement of accounts' and make you PAY!.
So I take my mother's advice:  just smile and nod - then punch the bejeesus out of your pillow.  Oh!  And have a good b**ch on EB! biggrin.gif


#8 Wacky Wobbler

Posted 04 May 2010 - 01:01 PM

My MIL has been very supportive (she is the only person on DH side that knows) up until the other day.
My DH has been left some money by his great aunt (he is the only person in his family to be left any money - we do not know why) and my MIL told me that the money should be through soon. We have roughly worked out that this will pay for our first IVF attempt and maybe another one. My MIL asked if we could halve the money and give some to his sister. DH told his mother what we would be using the money for and she had a hissy fit and said that we had to give his sister hlaf the money as she has 4 kids and we would have no idea what that feels like.

You think? I have told her that she can half the money but i in no way want the MIL to be part of our baby making process.

My parents have offered to help us out finacially if needed as they know how much a baby is wanted, MIL has never offered anything.

#9 Guest_senecio_*

Posted 04 May 2010 - 01:51 PM

I am lucky to have mainly sensitive people in my life, apart from my MIL, though she isn't as bad as the people that many of you describe.

She wrote us a letter about two weeks after my miscarriage in which she described the scone she had for morning tea and pondered whether she could trust her cleaning lady with a key to the house, but did not ask once how we were coping through our difficult time, or say "sorry to hear your news" or similar.

Edited by senecio, 04 May 2010 - 01:52 PM.


#10 paulagirl

Posted 04 May 2010 - 02:36 PM

QUOTE
...she had a hissy fit and said that we had to give his sister hlaf the money as she has 4 kids and we would have no idea what that feels like.
Ouch, puffsgirl11!!!  I don't know what to say...  That's.... geez...  I'm lost for words....  

QUOTE (senecio @ 04/05/2010, 01:51 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
She wrote us a letter about two weeks after my miscarriage in which she described the scone she had for morning tea and pondered whether she could trust her cleaning lady with a key to the house, but did not ask once how we were coping through our difficult time, or say "sorry to hear your news" or similar.
senecio, that's tough!  At a time when you grief is all consuming...  I'm lost for words again...

It sounds like lots and lots of us have really insensitive in-laws!

QUOTE
Any possibility of you DH declaring himself a born again orphan?
biggrin.gif  That cracked me up!  The thought has crossed his mind - many times!  he he he!  Yes, DH is very supportive, but he also needs to be careful of 'the bank'.  he's not immune to his mother's toungue.  Believe me, he cops it too!
We do avoid frequent contact with the in-laws, but they don't miss a single opportunity!  They are consistent!

#11 amberlee

Posted 05 May 2010 - 01:25 PM

Aargh!!!!!  What is it with MIL's?  I had to call mine this morning to ask her to babysit my little girl while I have my EPU next Monday.  The 'Oh my's' and 'Can they do it another day, I'm Sooooo busy' when on and on and on.  Then I found out she was soooo busy wanting to go shopping with my SIL, because they haven't done it for a couple of weeks together.

Geez, i wish I was that 'Busy'.!

#12 HappyHB

Posted 05 May 2010 - 01:42 PM

My mother sounds similar - if you tell her something one day she'll use it against you. I've learnt not to tell her anything of any significance or importance - I never tell her if Im sick - and I certainly didnt tell her about my recent m/c.  I dont tell her if I've ever lost anything, or pretty much anything else, unless its mundane and trivial.

It sounds harsh, but really its the best thing I can do to preserve my sanity, and still keep a relationship (of sorts) with my mother. Otherwise its me that ends up getting upset at the eventual conversation - her "innocent" response is along the lines of "you're so sensitive", or you'll understand one day, you havent had kids yet, etc.

Good luck with it - I know you're frustrated.


#13 Drop Dead Fred

Posted 26 May 2010 - 03:26 PM

sad.gif  I just came across this thread

I'm so sorry for all of you who have been treated this way when you're going through a very invasive, emotional and physically draining time in your life.

I use to get people telling me they were late for their period and thought they had another "woops" when they knew what we were going through, it was such a kick in the guts  sad.gif

bbighug.gif

Edited by ~Mia~, 26 May 2010 - 03:26 PM.


#14 faithy

Posted 26 May 2010 - 06:19 PM

Can I join in? lol. Mine isnt as bad as all of yours, but I feel the need to vent as I havent told anyone how i was feeling at the time. I really feel for every single one of you who has to constantly put up with such insensitive people.

My DH has 2 brothers (BIL1 & BIL2), only #1 has any children and he's gone on and on about how much he wants nieces/nephews which is really sweet - I just put up with his constant 'when are you having a baby' tirades as he didn't know we were having difficulty so just put it to his excitement and usual family pressure to 'hurry up'.

When we had our m/c (after our first cycle of clomid) DH called his brothers and let them know and mentioned to back-off a little bit on the comments as it hadnt been an easy road for us. He mentioned that I was finding the m/c tough because of this too.

Anyway it would have been a few weeks after I had my miscarriage that my SIL (from BIL2) announced she was pregnant. If that wasnt hard enough (I love my SIL and was excited for her but I felt gutted too as it reminded me of what I had lost and how hard/long it was taking us), she had gone to the recent baby expo and at a family dinner showed me all her goodie-bags and wanted to go through them with me. I wasnt up for it, but I couldnt say no - didnt want her to see how hard it was for me.

Having felt completely raw looking at all the baby-things and exhausted from keeping up the pretense that its-all-so-exciting, BIL1 arrives at dinner and says "finally someone decided to have a baby around here!" I felt like he said it so accusing as he looked right at me. It really really hurt.... I was thinking "ummm did you forget that I'd had a miscarriage and that the delay wasnt our choice, I would have loved desperately for me to be the one to first give you a niece or nephew!!"

I of course didnt say any of that and managed to keep it together. One of these days though I'm worried I'm going to snap!

#15 paulagirl

Posted 28 May 2010 - 08:53 PM

QUOTE
Having felt completely raw looking at all the baby-things and exhausted from keeping up the pretense that its-all-so-exciting, BIL1 arrives at dinner and says "finally someone decided to have a baby around here!" I felt like he said it so accusing as he looked right at me. It really really hurt.... I was thinking "ummm did you forget that I'd had a miscarriage and that the delay wasnt our choice, I would have loved desperately for me to be the one to first give you a niece or nephew!!"

OMG!  What an insensitive so and so!!!!  Geezz!  I'm like:  ohmy.gif

QUOTE
I of course didnt say any of that and managed to keep it together. One of these days though I'm worried I'm going to snap!
... and when you do, it's going to feel soooooooooo goooooood!!!!! dev (6).gif

#16 LeeBee8

Posted 13 June 2010 - 04:27 PM

Geeze!!! Why is it always the IL's that are so insensitive. My MIL, mostly just changes the subject if we talk about our m/c's, & my FIL has made it very clear to me that he doesn't want to hear about that kind of thing at all, he actually said when I began to tell him about a Dr's apt DH & I had "Oh, stop there, this isn't a topic for me, don't want to know about it"....its not like I was going to tell him how my last pap smere went FFS!!!!
My MIL has made a few shocking comments over the past 3 years, but 1 that stands out for me is.

I was reading an article in the paper about a lady who had suffered 2 stillbirths, 1 at 28wks & 1 at 39wks, she now has a baby girl. And the story went on to talk about stillbirths & m/c's. My MIL was sitting next to me, so I showed her the article & told her what I was reading. She said to me, "Oh thats so sad, that would almost be like losing an ACTUAL child. Different to you just losing a feotus" oomg2.gif
I just stared at her, I had no idea what to say, so I put the paper down & just walked away. I told my DH, he was stunned, I actually think he had a word to her, because she's been overly sensitive since. Now I just get the 'poor you looks'  and the "How are your doing's":huh:

Not that I expect them to understand what we are going through, but they don't even try. Even when we've tried to explain how we feel, she says "Oh you'll be right, your just need to relax & then it'll happen" aannoyed.gif



#17 Kahula

Posted 29 July 2010 - 08:31 AM

Sorry to hear about the IL comments. I thought i'd share my own.

I had an ET after 1st clomid cycle and lost my left FT at 10 weeks. I was in hospital for 3 days. The following weekend was my best friends baby shower. Although I was devastated at my own loss I was happy for her and so I sucked it up and went. I didn't keep it a secret and everyone knew what I'd been through.

We'd just played a game about the stages of pregnancy and I was getting a bit Emotional as they talked about the end of the first trimester as the "safe zone" my SIL noticed and said " don't worry B if you next cycle doesn't work out you can always borrow my hubby. He only has to look at me and I fall pregnant."

You could have heard a pin drop in the room before my MIL laughed and said "that's so true."


#18 Nala05

Posted 30 July 2010 - 06:53 AM

I am so sorry we are all going through this, what it is with in-laws (as well as others). My FIL thinks we should just forget about it and we will just fall pregnant! I have tried to explain it is just not going to happen and he told me I over think these things!! They have not been back to your house in 17 months (we have seen them other places for short amounts of time). Our lives are stressful enough without that type of attitude. My SIL is however the opposite and has read up on the treatments we are having etc so I am very thankful for her!

All the best everyone!

Nala05



#19 jorgo

Posted 13 September 2010 - 01:11 PM

sounds like my life with my IL's lol

to top it all off SIL#2 just gave birth this morning- to baby #2
and they started trying for the first 10 months after us.
I now have to go to the hosp and look happy about it ( i actually would be if they were nice - but they arent)

makes life wonderful having 2 pg SILs and MILs sister going for #2 and having to hear about it all.


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