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No son? You're a FAILURE!


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#26 Julie3Girls

Posted 21 July 2010 - 09:50 PM

3 girls here.
And yes, lots of comments. "Are you going to try again to get a boy for your husband", "Oh your poor husband, all those girls", "aww, what a shame you didn't have a boy for your husband"
The "Oh dear, are you going to try again for a boy?" when DD2 was less than a day old and I was trying to recover from 17hrs of labour and an emergency c-section in the middle of the night ....

Do we want a boy? Sure a son would have been nice. A break from the pink. A different experience. I know DH would have loved a boy to take to boy scouts and do boy stuff with. Yes, I KNOW you can do this sort things with girls as well, but we have really really girly girls.  So instead of going on scout camps, dh is attending 5 hour long ballet concerts once a year original.gif  But his girls also sit and watch the car racing with him .. along with their barbies and other assorted dollies. original.gif

Did we ever have a baby to "try and get a boy" ? ... no of course not.  We had babies because we wanted a baby, a child. With #3, we talked, I asked dh if he wanted to try timing methods etc, to improve our chances of getting a boy and his answer was pretty much "why?"

"Are you going to try again for a boy?"  ... dh's answer ... why? we makes such fantastic girls!

#27 Tremkema

Posted 22 July 2010 - 09:10 AM

I have 3 sons, when I was pregnant with my second everyone said Oh I hope its a girl, we then had 7 miscarriages and were told we would never have another baby when I gave birth prematurely to another boy.  Comments such as "were you disappointed it was a boy" "I'm sorry it wasn't a girl" were many.  No we weren't disappointed it was a boy and yes it was always my dream to have a daughter but do I feel less fulfilled.  No way, nor would I change things.  I hope one day for granddaughters!

#28 anon60

Posted 22 July 2010 - 09:16 AM

QUOTE (2boys2cute @ 21/07/2010, 08:09 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Yep, it gets old after a while doesn't it - having 2 boys ourselves (the youngest being 15 months now) we are constantly copping the "are you having any more? You have to go for the girl!" etc. Its really starting to annoy me.

I also agree its sad how subsequent babies of the same sex as their older siblings seem less worthy of flowers/gifts/cards etc...when DS1 was born, I received about 10 bunches of flowers, streams of gifts and countless cards.  When poor DS2 was born we received 3 bunches of flowers, hardly any gifts (because "you'd already have heaps of boy stuff anyway") and about a 10th of the number of cards that arrived after DS1 was born.  Even now I think to myself poor little guy, I wonder if he'll ever ask why he has less baby cards than his big brother has.

Your daughters are incredibly blessed to have you as their Dad, as are you blessed to have them.


No, that's more  to do with "another baby?". Our 4th was our only girl, yet I received the least flowers and hospital visitors with her - and I was in hospital longer with her than the middle 2.

Edited by anon60, 22 July 2010 - 09:18 AM.


#29 Hunch

Posted 22 July 2010 - 09:29 AM

Just wanted to say I agree with anon60 - I wouldn't be offended with less fuss made because of the same gender, it is definitely just beacuse they aren't the first baby IMO.  We had a DD and then a DS and such fuss was made over DD, however DS got less visitors, less flowers, less gifts......just less everything!

#30 charlienat

Posted 22 July 2010 - 09:30 AM

We have three little girls, and I am pregnant with another (I presume and hope that it is a girl!). I too get comments like "better luck next time" and "you poor thing", as well as the comments on my bravery for having a "big" family, and the ruder comments about me overpopulating the world single-handedly, especially since my eldest is not yet 5 so I often have all three with me as well as the bump. To be honest, there are days when I choose to stay at home just to avoid the comments!
My husband would love a boy, and does dream of having something to contribute to a footy team. But that doesn't take anything away from his love for his girls.
He would like our fourth to be a boy, but I would much rather another girl, although I don't think I will be excited about spreading the news if it is another girl. My mother in law is very outspoken on the subject, and last time she mentioned it I said 'yes, it would have been better if you were a boy too', in the hope that she will now be more reluctant to bring it up.  She has bought presents during my last two pregnancies just in case a boy pops out, but of course the presents are too good for my little girls who have their sisters hand-me-downs...
Frankly, hardly anybody is very excited about our latest pregnancy except ourselves- my sister being a notable exception.

#31 laur1

Posted 22 July 2010 - 11:16 AM

I liked Harry's comment from the first Sex and the City movie on the birth of his second daughter - "It's my lot in life to be surrounded by beautiful women!" This is a great blog topic - it highlights the fact that people should think twice before making comments such as this. It really is tactless and rude and implies the children you already have are somehow not enough.

I'm sure my dad would have loved a son. Although he was repeatedly asked over the years, he always said he preferred his girls. Dad was a keen rugby player and it would have been nice for him to have a son who played down at the local club. But even if my parent's did have a son he may well have hated rugby. Instead most Saturday's Dad would take my sister and I down to watch a match at his local club and although both of us were "girly" girls it was fantastic. Some of my best childhood memories are of going to the rugby with Dad, playing with the other girls and getting to go back to the clubhouse in the afternoon for a lemonade and chips. And then telling Mum when we got home that we only had half the amount of junk food we actually did consume. Fast forward 30 years and I am married to a man whose own father was never around. I am grateful that he now has Dad for a father in law. The two of them are great friends and are constantly going off to watch sporting events together.



#32 Laney

Posted 22 July 2010 - 01:54 PM


I love that our last bub was a girl after two boys, especially as we lost identical twin girls 7 years ago.  But I was just happy to be having another baby after a long and painful journey to create our family...

I still get a bit miffed when people say 'you finally got your girl'...  I just wanted at least 3 kids, and that they be healthy.

Being able to parent both genders is just  a bonus :-)

#33 Small Potatoes

Posted 22 July 2010 - 06:56 PM

I have two beautiful boys but I went to a party the other day and all of the parents there had a pigeon pair except me (all had boys the same time as me) and then girls abit later.  And someone said "aren't we all clever having a pigeon pair" and I went "not me" and then got "oh well maybe next time". WTF like I am some sort of breading failure that needs to be pittied for having two boys.

#34 7girly-girls

Posted 22 July 2010 - 10:00 PM

As my user name suggests we have 7 daughters - aged from 17 years to 5 months! No boys here besides my husband and our pet male dog.
We have heard just about every comment you could imagine - from borderline offensive to good natured. Comments used to bother me way back when I had 3 girls but I am way past that now and couldn't care less what people say or think. I find most people positive and fascinated, and of course some who feel quite sorry for my husband (gosh sometimes I feel sorry for him!). When pregnant with our new baby my husband and I  always watched with great amusement when strangers asked if we knew what we were having ....we had people shrieking, doubling over, gasping in disbelief etc etc when we confirmed a 7th girl. It was all pretty good natured and funny.
We just love the way our family has turned out and will happily point that out to anyone.

#35 Dons

Posted 26 July 2010 - 10:00 PM

After my lovely DH had a vasectomy, I had to pick him up and due to a lack of babysitters I had to take my 2 beautiful girls.

The nurse looking after my Dh said 'Didn't you want to go back for the boy'

She then told us how she had and didn't regret it and as she walked off and said 'what a pity'

so I politely said to her 'You do the maths, 7 pregnancies, 2 babies do you think I should be upset for having 2 girls no I am grateful'

Shuts ppl up everytime original.gif

Edited by ~*Dons*~, 26 July 2010 - 10:01 PM.


#36 kadoodle

Posted 26 July 2010 - 10:05 PM

My grandmother still considers my mother a failure for only having daughters.  She's the only person I know IRL who cares one way or the other though.

#37 jrdd

Posted 28 July 2010 - 10:47 AM

I have 3 boys and get the same all the time, interestingly from people who have one of each.  The people who are rude enough to imply I'm missing out on something by not having a daughter behave as if they are somehow superior to my husband and me because they 'have it all' and we don't.  I also notice that it's the women who tend to point these things out more than men do.  A form of female rivalry, perhaps??? I like to respond with, "Oh, and you *only* have one of each."  Bugger it!  If they're going to be rude, I will too.  They too miss out on something; they DON'T have it all.  They miss out on seeing their kids interact with a same-sex sibling.  It's a very special relationship their kids won't ever have.

#38 2boys2cute

Posted 28 July 2010 - 11:16 AM

QUOTE (jrdd @ 28/07/2010, 10:47 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
The people who are rude enough to imply I'm missing out on something by not having a daughter behave as if they are somehow superior to my husband and me because they 'have it all' and we don't.  I also notice that it's the women who tend to point these things out more than men do.  A form of female rivalry, perhaps???


I have a few "friends" who have one of each, and yes I totally agree with you that there are a select few who do act as though they have it all and love to flaunt it.  I like your come back, I will have to remember that next time a comment like theirs comes my way!

I also agree though, there is something extra special about the relationship between two or more same-sex siblings.  I only have a sister, and we are extremely close now and I feel incredibly blessed to have her...I'm sure I would have loved her just as much if she was a brother, but there are just somethings I couldn't imagine sharing with a brother that I share with a sister.  I can only hope my 2 sons are a close when they grow up as what my sister and I are.

#39 MystyDays

Posted 28 July 2010 - 01:26 PM

QUOTE (whatthehey @ 21/07/2010, 06:43 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
When some 'friends' of ours asked us if we cared we said we weren't bothered if it was a boy or girl. They replied that they had felt the same way until they had a boy and now they realise they would have missed out on so much if they only had girls. Hmph! I wonder what their daughter thinks of that! We're just happy we have 2 lovely healthy children.



With friends like that who needs enemies! That's awful! Every child is special. My husband and I both have girls from a previous relationship, so when we found out we were having a boy together both of us then admitted to secretly hoping that would be the case (but by god until we found out we would never had admitted that wink.gif) - but I can honestly say if we were having a little girl we would have been just as happy and loved her just as much (of course!).... only difference is i would be left thinking "should we go again" as I always wanted a son... i don't think I can deny that feeling would be in my heart. p.s I am one of 3 girls, and love love love having 2 sisters in my life bbaby.gif



#40 MystyDays

Posted 28 July 2010 - 01:42 PM

QUOTE (7girly-girls @ 22/07/2010, 11:00 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
As my user name suggests we have 7 daughters - aged from 17 years to 5 months! No boys here besides my husband and our pet male dog.
We have heard just about every comment you could imagine - from borderline offensive to good natured. Comments used to bother me way back when I had 3 girls but I am way past that now and couldn't care less what people say or think. I find most people positive and fascinated, and of course some who feel quite sorry for my husband (gosh sometimes I feel sorry for him!). When pregnant with our new baby my husband and I  always watched with great amusement when strangers asked if we knew what we were having ....we had people shrieking, doubling over, gasping in disbelief etc etc when we confirmed a 7th girl. It was all pretty good natured and funny.
We just love the way our family has turned out and will happily point that out to anyone.


LOL - wow what a fantastic story! After 3 girls my dad had a test and found out he only had a high chance to have girls (something to do with a sickness he had when he was younger that lowered his ability to have boys) - so they stopped at 3 wink.gif But I am thrilled i have 2 sisters. You are lucky to have a wonderful girly family original.gif
We must remember - some people can't have kids at all and would be crying to think we dare to worry/complain over which 'type' we get... the miracle of life is the only 'real' relevance.

#41 TK421

Posted 30 July 2010 - 09:52 AM

We have one boy, and our second baby is due in September which is a girl (so the ultrasound indicates), so we're luckty to have a pigeon pair I guess. We have friends that have all girls and friends that have all boys as well, and they always want the gender they didn't have, so I presume it a perfectly natural want, but TBH, as long as our kids are healthy and happy and loved, then they are the biggest concerns to us as parents, be they boys or girls.

#42 blessed4

Posted 31 July 2010 - 08:15 AM

My first blog, just had to join, great topic!!! Being pregnant with our 4th child after 3 sons, boy, did those comments fly! Everything from "did you try for the girl?", "you must be praying for a girl!" to "you better be having a girl after those 3 boys. I have one son and he drives me crazy, I can't imagine 4!" What made me REALLY angry was that STRANGERS would say all these comments in front of my sons. On a few occasions my boys (at the time they were 9, 7 & 4) would ask: "Mum, do you really want a girl? Will you be sad to have another boy? Did you wish I was a girl?"  sad.gif

People just don't think when they make these comments. I don't believe they mean harm, but one, they should question whether their opinion is even desired and two, how will the recipient feel? Why is it that people feel the need/right to share their prejudiced views with complete strangers?!?! I won't even get started on the comments from the in-laws who after 2 sons and 4 grandsons were "...so hoping this will be a Christina rather than a Christopher!!!"  

I can still feel the anger bubbling inside me as I type away, in defense for my 3 beautiful sons!!!  mad.gif

To be honest, we did desire a daughter, but we TRIED for a 4th child, knowing we would love a son just as much as we already loved our three boys. And in the end, we did have a daughter. Mind you, at one, she is basically another boy in pink! Active, fiesty and fun! And what surprised me after she was born, was the fact that her being a girl faded into complete insignificance compared to the joy of holding another healthy baby in my arms. Her gender was secondary.  yyes.gif

Ironically, one of the joys in having a girl has been the fact that I haven't had to face the "you poor thing, 4 boys.." comments. What a world! Sorry for babbling!



#43 oneforme

Posted 31 July 2010 - 08:48 AM

I have one lovely healthy daughter and I used to get the comments of 'when you have a son...' from my in laws, not so much now because our daughter is 8 years old and we've been TTC for almost 5 years and suffered 2 miscarriages. I'm not sure that we'll be lucky enough to have another child. I think it's possibly because of how sensitive we are to our own concerns that certain comments people make get under our skin. I've had my fair share of rude comments from people assuming that it's been our CHOICE to have only one child, they assume we must be selfish people who don't enjoy having children as much as someone who has 3 or more kids. Comments like - 'Oh, just the one? Oh, she'd love a little brother or sister' like I'm some selfish witch who doesn't like kids enough to have a second. Sometimes I feel like saying rather abruptly 'actually we've had 2 miscarriages, not that it's any of your damn business.'
So everyone please be aware that just because people have had one child doesn't mean that they're then able to have another one at the drop of a hat, infertility and miscarriage does happen after a first child.

#44 Guest_Cali~_*

Posted 31 July 2010 - 08:53 AM

I was congratulated by an Indian woman for having 4 sons and told that I would be very honoured in India.
Knowing the female infanticide statistics i didn't know how to respond to that.

Incidentally I always imagined I'd have 1 daughter, an only child, like I am. LOL.



#45 EsmeLennox

Posted 31 July 2010 - 03:57 PM

QUOTE
I was congratulated by an Indian woman for having 4 sons and told that I would be very honoured in India.


I has this exact experience. I was kind of horrified by it!

On the other had, yes, I have experienced all the 'you poor thing' sentiments for not having a daughter... yyawn.gif

I just don't get it?

#46 Guest_jaderuby_*

Posted 31 July 2010 - 04:08 PM


We have 3DDs, our youngest only 9 weeks old.  Today at my oldest daughter's soccer match her coach (a female) came over to congratulate us on the birth of our daughter.   All was lovely and then she said 'you must try for number 4 now to get a boy'.

I wasn't offended or anything and had a laugh and said no way we are happy with our 3 beautiful girls.  She then lent in really close to me and said that I would be much happier if I had 4 kids and get a boy next time and then gave me the 'trust me'.

This time I was offended and I said no thank you our family is complete and we are thrilled.  She looked at my husband and told him to keep working on me and he would get his son in the end.

ARrrhhhhh.  I smiled as she walked away, but in my head I was giving her a piece of my mind...



#47 Z-girls rock

Posted 31 July 2010 - 04:15 PM

QUOTE (*alpharuby* @ 21/07/2010, 02:08 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Is gender really as big an issue as what EB would have me think?


I actually think it is a big deal to people and it surprises me.

My DH and I are adopting, and I have been surprised by the number of people who have asked "can you chose the gender?" my reply is always "why would you want to?"

I mean we are looking at something like a 33 month wait for our future son or daughter to be allocated to us (after already undergoing an 18 month process of being approved to adopt) - we will just be thrilled to be parents and love him/her with all our hearts!

#48 Maeli

Posted 30 October 2010 - 05:13 PM

We had 3dd's before we had our first ds, & I can honestly say that I was horrified by what people thought was 'ok' to say to us.  Ranging from the minor 'You must really want a boy' rubbish, through to 'doesn't hubby have it in him.'  And not just occasionally, it felt like someone said something EVERY time we left the house.  Quite frankly we loved having little girls, & when someone would ask Dh if he wanted a little boy he'd say 'No'. (That said of course he loves our DS's, he was just VERY defensive of our girls!)

When we brought dd3 home from the hospital we stopped in the local deli to get something.  A woman looked into the capsule & said to me 'Another girl?'  I smiled & replied 'Yes.'  She then shook her head & said 'What a shame.'  I think that my world stopped for a second. I didn't know whether to bite her head off, or let the post birth hormones drag me to the floor in front of everyone to ball my eyes out.  I was just gobsmacked that ANYONE could call my beautiful healthy baby girl a 'shame.'

With TTC no.4 we umm'ed & arr'ed about whether we should 'go again', but not because we weren't sure whether we wanted another baby again (which we did,) but because I was already SO defensive of this 'potential' little girl & how cruel people would be if baby 4 had indeed been another girl sad.gif

Amazingly it doesn't seem to matter what gender mix you have, people will still give you what for about it.  Whilst pregnant with no.5 a woman stooped down to DS (who was 4 at the time,) & said 'I bet you really want a little brother, don't you?'  Geez thanks for that!  And people commented (like MIL!) that the baby 'had' to be a boy to give our DS a brother.  Like seriously??!!


#49 sam_gamgee

Posted 01 November 2010 - 02:51 PM

"What a shame" - incredible.  There are a lot of normal-seeming weirdos out there.

#50 nessrose

Posted 02 November 2010 - 05:18 PM

I can completely understand.

We have 4 daughters.  biggrin.gif

People seem to assume that we will keep on going until we get a boy. We may have another. We may not. Although a boy would be lovely, it will not be the deciding factor in us having another one. My DH has 3 sisters and it seems to be culturally important in his family to have boys. It saddened me a little when we had DD4 when one of MIL's first comments was along the lines of 'maybe next time'. Almost as though Michaela didn't matter. Although I try not to take things to heart.

To me, it doesn't matter what we have. They give me the greatest joy and I can't imagine my life without them.

Some people do amaze me with their comments though.

Edited by nessrose, 12 November 2010 - 05:24 PM.





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